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EVANSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY

92

0071

7 7478

640 Hoffm.J
Hoffman, John, 1965-

The Art & Scien

The art & science of
dumpster divina /

c 1 993 . AUB

L, V/JL

1991

Dumpster Diving

by John Hoffman

with an Introduction by Jim Broadstreet,
Author of Building With Junk

and Original Comix by Ace Backwords,
Creator of Twisted Image

Loompanics Unlimited

Port Townsend, Washington

EVANSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY
1703 ORRlPfGTOH AVENUE
EVANSTON, ILLINOIS 0)201

All persons, places and events in this book are fictional. Any relationship to real persons, places or events is
purely coincidental This book is sold for information purposes only. Neither the author nor the publisher will be
held accountable for the use or misuse of the information contained in this book.

Jr

The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving
© 1993 by John Hoffman

Introduction © 1993 by Jim Broadstreet

Comix © 1993 by Ace Backwords

Ail rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or stored in any form whatsoever without
the prior written consent of the publisher. Reviews may quote brief passages without the written
consent of the publisher as long as proper credit is given.

Published by:

Loompanics Unlimited
P.O. Box 1197
Port Townsend, WA 98368
U.S.A.

Loompanics Unlimited is a division of Loompanics Enterprises, Inc.

Cover by Ace Backwords, Colored by Barbara Williams

Illustrations by Kevin Martin

Photos courtesy of John and Tina Hoffman

ISBN 1-55950-088-3

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 92-074645

Contents

Introduction by Jim Broadstreet 1

1. Dumpster Dinner 3

2. A Realistic Path to Self-Sufficiency 7

3. Just Gimme Some Space! 17

4. Is the Wealth Really There? (Yes!) 29

5. What the Well-Dressed Diver is Wearing 37

6. Diving Techniques Illustrated 43

7. The "Big Three" Dumpster Hot Spots 63

8. The "Lucky Seven" Dive Spots 85

9. Converting Trash to Cash 99

10. More Dumpster Doings Ill

1 1 . Recycling Programs and Other Obstacles 119

12. Information Diving 127

13. From Novice to Master 145

14. Trashy Treats 151

About the Author

John Hoffman has been a dumpster diver since childhood. He is a third generation dumpster diver.

In addition, he has worked as a psychiatric behavior counselor, a printer’s assistant, a security
officer, a pizza cook/delivery person, live bait salesman, newspaper editor/reporter, a historical
research assistant, a hotel clerk, and has done a bit of poaching... among other things.

His formal education includes a degree in English Writing, magna cum laude, from a private Lutheran
college in Minnesota. He has written numerous newspaper articles, opinion columns, poems, short
stories, and has contributed to local history books.

He recently embarked on a "five year plan to self-sustaining wealth." He is also writing a science
fiction trilogy which emphasizes personal evolution and liberty.

A Note from the Publisher

We found this manuscript in the trash. Honestly. It was at the bottom of a very tall
pile of unsolicited manuscripts. We were slashing through the pile when we opened this
up, looked at the cover letter and said, "Who's going to buy a book on dumpster diving?"
Since it wasn't accompanied by return postage, we threw the manuscript in the trash.

Then we saw the photos. Pictures of a guy surrounded with grocery-store abundance.
Pictures of a guy with flowers from the dumpster. Picture after picture of piles of
garbage-picked wealth and trashy entertainment. It was amazing and, best of all, it was

real.

We pulled the manuscript out of the trash and read the first chapter. We were hooked.
You will be, too.

4

1

/

Introduction 1

Introduction
by Jim Broadstreet
author of Building With Junk

Have you noticed a change taking place in
America lately? Not just that we have become
the most indebted people in history but all the
other stuff that goes with it?

Does it ever occur to you that your children,
and theirs are not going to enjoy everything that
we have? Indeed, they are going to be paying
the tab which we have run up, and which we are
adding to, continually and with reckless aban-
don, as if we don't give a damn — as if there will
be no tomorrow.

If you, the reader, were "bom with a silver
spoon in your mouth" you have been lucky. If
you were and you assume that you will hold on
to it — that things will just naturally remain
easy and comfortable, with minimal effort on
your part, then you are living with a terribly
false assumption — one that could lead to hor-
rendous disillusionment, even personal disaster!

We no longer populate a "land of milk and
honey" from which all of our needs and desires
will be automatically fulfilled, regardless of ef-
fort and thought expended.

The "survival of the fittest" concept of life al-
most died with the spiraling affluence which
spread across this country after World War II.
That spiral has topped out. Now, as we slide out
of our position of global pre-eminence, those of
us with cunning, ingenuity and some daring are
going to "survive" better than the rest.

"Almost" died, I said above. In this land of
enormous diversity there are always exceptions.
We who are fortunate enough to have come
upon this book, The Art & Science of Dumpster
Diving, have the advantage of being able to
leam from someone who is, along with his
wonderfully different family, an exception from
the norm — big time!

John Hoffman’s family, as you are about to
leam, were almost destined, by virtue of cir-
cumstances well beyond their control, to be re-
cipients of welfare. With welfare would prob-
ably come low self-esteem and the myriad
problems associated with it. Not only did that
not happen but every member became, not just
"productive," but super productive!

2 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Not only did the Hoffmans "carry their own
weight" in their community, they were leaders
in it. They were, and still are avant-garde in
environmental action. And now John Hoffman
has given us this gift — this compilation of
knowledge assembled for us to use to our great-
est benefit. All we need do is cast off some of our
societally implanted and destructive codes of
behavior to allow us to become members of the
"chosen tribe." Not only will we be ahead of the
pack in adjusting to the coming new American
way-of-life, but we will be leaders in changing
society’s attitudes concerning consumption,
waste, negligence, and sloth.

Now, if the above words have led you to as-
sume that this is a book of heavy reading — one
that would have to be struggled through for the
sake of learning what you may, or may not, be
able to use — well, not so!

John Hoffman has seen a lot in his day! His
experiences have been, as with all of us, every
thing from mean and ugly to joyous and fun. He
has the ability to see the funny in almost every-
thing and, fortunately for us, to pass that humor
on in his written words.

Then too, Hoffman and his family, friends and
cohorts have developed what you might
find to be some rather bizarre philosophies-of-
life! It is certainly not necessary to agree with all
of these but it is a lot of fun to see how some of
them developed and to be fascinated by the tan-
gents taken by this creative mind which was,
seemingly, never discouraged from pursuing
any avenue.

Reading The Art & Science of Dumpster
Diving will provoke you to laugh a lot, cringe a
little, feel some sorrow for our society, get a little
angry and, perhaps, change some of your deeply
instilled concepts of what life is all about — and
how it might be lived a whole lot more sensibly.

Dumpster Dinner 3

TWISTED IMAGE

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OLD DONUTS AND THE
POST-DATED YOGURT"

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Chapter 1
Dumpster Dinner

Some weeks ago, I finished a nice hot shower
which happened to include dumpster-salvaged
soap, dumpster-salvaged shampoo, a dumpster
salvaged towel and a dumpster-salvaged bath
mat.

I slapped on my wife's favorite cologne,
which came from... yes, a dumpster. And then,
naturally, I shaved. My job at the hospital re-
quires meticulous grooming and cleanliness.
Now, it's true I purchased the razors, but the
shaving cream came from a dumpster. I also
purchased the deodorant, but in the past I've
salvaged deodorant from trash bins.

That's right, deodorant from trash bins.

Checking my watch (a freebie from the
dumpster) I hurried into the kitchen and sat
down at the table. The dinner table was also a
freebie, as well as the chairs. We sold the table
we had before this one for $25 and paid the elec-
tric bill with the money.

I noted that my wife had her "food science"
textbook on the kitchen counter. She has a de-
gree in Biology, but "food science" was an elec-

tive she studied at our private college. I also
have a college degree.

"Something special?" I asked.

"Wait and see!" she smiled.

While waiting, I watered our half-dozen or so
plants. All but one came from dumpsters. I sat at
the table again, and my wife set a steaming plate
down in front of me.

I noted that she was wearing the 1920s ster-
ling silver "butterfly" pin that I had dumpster
dived a week earlier... only two hundred yards
from our apartment, swear to God. And that
wasn't all I found that time.

"Looks great, honey!" I said, meaning the
food.

My wife, Tina, had prepared steamed arti-
chokes, vegetable-beef stir fry, rice, and fresh-
baked bread from instant dough. For dessert, an
assortment of fruit. Only the beef in the stir-fry
did not originate in the dumpster. Oh, yes, and
the soy sauce. My wife always grabs several
packets of soy sauce whenever we have the "egg

4 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

roll special" at the local mall. The dinner plates
were a wedding present, but the silverware
came from a dumpster.

"What do you want to drink?" Tina asked.
"Milk? Orange juice? Iced tea?"

"Just water, " I answered. "All this food is
making me so fat."

Both the milk and the orange juice originated
in the dumpster. The tea, however, came from
the hospital cafeteria. I never eat there, but
whenever I escort a patient, I grab several bags
of tea.

"Don't forget to take those magazines to the
hospital," my wife said.

"I'm still reading the Rolling Stone," I
answered.

"That reminds me," Tina said.

Hopping off her chair, she turned on the
television (from a dumpster) and turned the
channel to MTV. At the moment, MTV was
featuring a music video from a very popular
(and rich) singer/movie star. I won't mention
her name, but let's just say she often causes con-
troversies over "censorship versus art.”

"You know," I told my wife, "she used to be a
dumpster diver."

"I know she posed nude," my wife replied,
"before she hit the big time."

"She ate stuff from dumpsters, too," I said.

Ironically, I had read that in a magazine ob-
tained from a dumpster. This certain pop star,
while still an anonymous face in the crowd, had
posed nude and scavenged food from trash cans.
Now, obviously, she didn't proceed to launch a
multi-million dollar career in recovering food-
stuffs and recycling soda cans. Using her brains
and talent, doing whatever she had to in order to
survive, this young woman never wavered in the

pursuit of her dreams and today she is a
millionaire pop star.

Yes, her talent and her brains made her a star,
but dumpster diving gave her a vital Darwinian
advantage. How many other young, talented
men and women have shared apartments,
worked in hamburger joints, pounded the
streets day and night in pursuit of their elusive
life’s dream? Instead of success, most encounter
only closed doors, rip-offs, poverty and hunger.
As long as possible, they struggle for their
dreams, they keep believing in themselves.

Why? Why do people fight and fight and fight
for their dreams? It's a rhetorical question. You
know the answer. Because it's your dream. It's
your life. The universe as you know it revolves
around your eyeballs, the things in life that
matter are the things that matter to you. You
have, so far as we know for certain, one life. You
have one opportunity to do, to be, to experience,
to create.

However, you're in competition with a lot of
other highly-motivated individuals. Like you,
these people are intensely goal-oriented, utterly
devoted to their own dreams, careers, or
families. The world is like the jungle, the woods,
the sea... in our society's "economic ecosystem,"
very little drops to the ground or washes up on
shore without becoming food or fertilizer for
something. And that something is right there,
waiting, mouth open.

Look around you — try seeing economic ac-
tivity in terms of nature. For every opportunity,
every windfall, every resource, every niche-
something is already sitting there, making a
living, getting a cut, earning interest, drawing a
percentage, running the action. Only the leanest,
the hungriest, the smartest, the most motivated
and calculating and utterly devoted will achieve
their dreams. Only the most able deserve their
dreams.

It has been said that "all the world is a stage."
Well, most people never get beyond the cattle
call... or the casting couch. Most of the time

Dumpster Dinner 5

when the world offers you a "big break" it is, in
fact, offering to screw you and never return your
phone calls.

You need an edge...

Consider that hungry, highly-motivated pop-
star-to-be. Do you imagine that while seeking
stardom she lived under bridges and in
homeless shelters... slept in a cardboard box...
wore a baggy overcoat and Army boots? That
she smelled bad? That she washed her hair in
public restrooms? That she ate out of a dump-
ster?

Dumpster diving is no longer the action of last
resort. Dumpster diving, in fact, can be your
edge, your vital Darwinian advantage.

Dumpster diving — an activity pioneered by
bag ladies and homeless ex-mental patients — is
becoming more and more practical and profit-
able. So profitable, in fact, that it can make the
vital difference between attaining your
dreams.... or returning home on a borrowed bus
ticket to work at Daddy's hamburger stand.

Dumpster diving does not mean scavenging
amid somebody's kitchen scraps, consuming
half-rotten, half-eaten chicken legs ala Hefty
Bag. Yes, some people do that — and those peo-
ple need a hot shower and mental health care,
badly. Those people commune regularly with
the Space Brothers.

Your modem dumpster diver, in contrast,
may be a full-time student, an apartment
dweller, a semi-rural seeker of self-sufficiency,
or a young, educated professional — like myself.
A modem dumpster diver may be somebody
who chooses to work less and spend more time
in pursuit of dreams, goals, activism, art — like
that pop star.

Which brings us to an explanation of our title.
The Art and Science of Dumpster Diving.

What is "art?" Obviously, I can't answer a
question in a couple of paragraphs when the

question can't begin to be answered in volumes
of books and hours of discussion. But consider
this: painting pictures is, without a doubt, art.
But so is photography, architecture, and pottery.

So, it turns out, something can be functional
and be an expression of creative self.

Now, I've heard medicine called "the healing
art." I've also heard cooking, writing, and wine
making called arts. These things are often more
functional than expressive, but are still con-
sidered "arts."

Art is quite a broad topic, no? Think about
this: once an artist, always an artist. What does
that mean? It means this: a writer is not only a
writer when he writes. You are an artist, a crea-
tive being, twenty-four hours a day.

When you cook, when you drive, when you
speak, when you labor, when you do whatever
it is you do, you are still expressing yourself,
pioneering ideas, concepts, movements, style.
Whose creative goals do you want to triumph?
Your goals, of course. Whose dream is im-
portant? Your dream. Why? Because it's YOUR
life and the whole universe is at your fingertips
for YOU to experience, for YOU to change as
YOU see fit. After all, you're an artiste.

You deserve to triumph. You deserve your
* dream because you want it, because you refuse
to live a life of quiet desperation, because you're
lean and hungry and right there on the cutting
edge of Darwinism. YOU are tomorrow's domi-
nant life form. You will attain your goals, be-
cause you're willing to fight, willing to do any-
thing within the bounds of YOUR rules, YOUR
reason — even pick up the book called The Art
& Science of Dumpster Diving.

Good move.

And, I might add, you're in good company.

If you have preconceived notions handed to
you by society, suspend those notions for a little
while. The lid is lifting, you're about to enter a

6 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

whole new universe as you learn who dumpster
dives and what they discover.

Welcome, diving comrade. Welcome, to the
art and science...

A Realistic Path to Self-Sufficiency 7

TWISTED IMAGE b y Ace Backwords ©!■»«

MAYBE So, YUPPIE-BOY.... BUT
IT SURE BEATS WASTING MY

) \

Chapter 2

A Realistic Path to Self-Sufficiency

7 GARBAGEFIELDj I'M DISGUSTED N

8Y HOW YOU'VE DEVELOPED A
SELF-SUFFICIENT LIFESTYLE BY
ROOTING AROUND IN DUMPSTERS.^

Ah... memories. Most individuals carry
around pleasant, idealized remembrances of the
fun they had as children. I probably have more
of these golden tinted memories than most
people, since I spent so much of my childhood
digging around in dumpsters.

Yes, digging around in dumpsters. Oh, to be
six years old again and feel the thrill of finding a
big ol' box filled with my favorite snack food...
or a bike, needing only minor repairs... or even
mundane items like a stylish jacket for school
wear. As an adult dumpster diver I have located
food, furniture, even valuable antiques but very
little matches the sensation of "Christmas every
week" that I felt as a youngster.

Perhaps you think I’m kidding. Maybe you
think I had a terrible, impoverished childhood
and what I’m saying has a sarcastic, bitter
undertone. I’m not joking, however. I had a
wonderful childhood, wise and kind parents,
and the family activity I enjoyed the most
(besides fishing) was dumpster diving.

Thanks to this pursuit, our family lived
happily with abundance while families in

similar circumstances barely scraped by and
destroyed their own flesh with fighting,
screaming, drinking and worse. I will always be
thankful that my parents were pioneering
masters of the fine art. For decades, members of
my family kept the knowledge contained in this
book a closely guarded secret. We protected this
secret more carefully than some families protect
ancient recipes and knowledge of horrible
crimes.

And it was because of our secret source of
abundance that I can look back and say, "ah,
memories" while most of the kids on my rural
school bus route experienced misery and now
have miserable families of their own.

Poverty. Miserable poverty. Humiliating lack of
material goods. Our neighbors had all that and
much, much more. Supposedly alcoholism,
incest, and physical/ emotional abuse can strike
families across the socioeconomic spectrum.
However, when a family is blessed with abun-
dant resources it is not likely that the children
will go to school unwashed and hungry... even if
the father is an alcoholic. Not so with poor
families. Let's face it: material resources can take

8 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

the sting out of a hell of a lot of weakness and
vice. But our neighbors didn't have material
wealth — far from it.

The Bembenek kids... the Kietzer twins... the
whole Ruben clan. No, these are not real sur-
names. I will not take the risk of humiliating the
actual families. But humiliation was a daily
experience for their children.

They were always late for the bus. They'd
come dashing out of their poorly painted, run
down houses when the bus driver leaned on the
horn. Their clothes were unwashed, tattered,
and familiar — the same clothes they wore all
week. Their lunch — if they had one — was
hardly enough to satisfy a small dog. These kids
were gaunt. They smelled bad. Their hair was
unwashed, uncombed and they had poor
complexions. They had plenty of broken bones,
sprains, stitches and periods of prolonged
"illness." Needless to say, these kids did poorly
in school. They didn't have the self esteem,
concentration or energy to get decent grades.

These were the children of the "rural poor."
Their parents had measly parcels of land which
they tried, halfheartedly, to plant with crops or
use for livestock. Most of their income, however,
came from jobs in the nearby town. And, on
paper, my family had no more wealth than our
neighbors. In fact, we appeared to have less on
paper.

We had about five acres of land with small
farm buildings constructed in the 1930s. My
father and mother married when he was fifty-
eight and she was thirty-eight and promptly
proceeded to have three children. Our "visible
income" consisted of veteran's disability checks,
social security, and whatever government
giveaways one could obtain by filling out a form
at the local courthouse. From time to time my
father and mother would work at a wide variety
of jobs if we wanted cash for a major purchase.

Many of our neighbors had more land and/or
more formal education, and did not carry
around a souvenir of Leyte Gulf in their spinal

column. However, these other families were
constantly distressed about "making ends meet."
We had all our ends met and a surplus, besides.
Why? You know why... the fine art...

Maximum Diving Lifestyle

For approximately two decades, my family
lived what I will describe as a "maximum diving
lifestyle." This does not mean we obtained all
our income and possessions from dumpsters.
Rather, what I mean by this is that we enjoyed
the most benefits that can, in all likelihood, be
derived from dumpster diving. If we had not
enjoyed so many "perks," if we were only now
and then dumpster dippers, I would never
consider writing a book telling others how to
gain by dumpster salvage. However, as it turns
out, we enjoyed a lifestyle that can only be
described as "idyllic" while families in similar
circumstances damn near perished. The only
difference between us and them was a little bit
of common sense, a little more innovation, and a
lot of good stuff that we salvaged from trash
bins.

So why am I telling YOU? Why not keep all
the goodies for myself?

As I stated, we did exactly that for a long
time. Through dumpster diving. "Willard and
Vemie" Hoffman managed to abundantly
provide for three children. Now all of us kids are
grown and have productive, happy lives.
Willard has gone to his reward and my mother
is in comfortable circumstances. Dumpster
diving is still an important part of my life and
the lives of my brother and sister. But, thanks to
our parents and our own motivation, we have
obtained valuable, moneymaking skills. Our
schoolmates, in contrast, are even more
miserable than their parents. Some are in jail,
mental institutions, or dead.

I’m not doing this out of pity, however. I'm
writing this book to line my greedy pockets.
And I'm going to spill the beans, all the beans,
so I can make as much money as possible. It’s
time to take the "secret recipe" to market and
start selling the sauce.

A Realistic Path to Self-Sufficiency 9

What’s so great about the fine art? Let me tell
you about those "golden memories."

F-O-O-D. My god, did we have food. We had
two huge freezers stuffed with frozen yummies.
We had a root cellar filled to bursting with
canned goods and produce. We had cupboards
and closets and a fridge stuffed with chow.
Sometimes Dad would open a closet and jump
back to avoid a cascade of cans. We had
emergency stashes of goods in the attic, the
bam, and carefully buried in the yard, "just in
case."

Outside, chickens ran around — laying eggs,
cackling, awaiting their fate as "chicken ala
Vemie" or soup. Or both. Waste not, want not.
Sometimes we had a pig, a goat, ducks, geese or
other livestock. We favored chickens, however.
Less work and fun to watch. Animals are a lot of
responsibility and we often preferred to spend
our time fishing, hunting, reading, or engaged in
productive personal hobbies.

We had a huge garden. Orchards. Herb
planters. A strawberry patch. Raspberry bushes.
Gooseberries. For a few years we had hundreds
of rabbits, but then we went back to chickens.
We tried mushrooms, too. Every year we tried
some of the "unusual" produce advertised in
some comer of the seed catalogs. Experimenting
with different plants and livestock was some-
thing we had the time and ability to pursue.

Those of you who are interested in "self-
sufficiency" but think it is out of reach — keep in
mind that we managed all this on a "visible
income" that most people couldn't use to
provide for two people, let alone two older
adults, three teenagers, assorted cats, dogs,
parakeets, tropical fish and livestock. Dumpster
diving was the secret.

We had so much food we traded it for stuff.
Even in unexpected circumstances we never
lacked food and, frequently, made deals with
neighbors that saved other families from desper-
ate times of need... and provided us with their
skills or certain goods. Our biggest problem
with food was concealing the fact that we had so

much. This was particularly a problem when
our "visible income" qualified us for food
stamps, which we accepted and used.
Remember, when something good is being
thrown out or given away grab as much as you
possibly can. That was how I felt about the
thousands of dollars I received as an
"impoverished" student striving toward a
college degree.

Ah, memories. We had birthday parties that
were the envy of the whole neighborhood. Each
of the Hoffman kids had a bike, and frequently
we had several bikes until we made trades. We
had a respectable stash of firearms and
ammunition. We had more good, decent clothes
than we could wear. Once, as a first grader, I
told my mom that the new teacher's aide had
asked me if I had "a pretty scarf for every day of
the month." It turned out that I did, indeed, have
more than thirty scarves.

And all the Hoffman kids excelled in school.
This was partially because of our parents' help
and encouragement, but I believe a great deal of
it was due to the fact that we had several thou-
sand books in the "library room," hundreds of
various record albums, and a number of musical
instruments. We had an endless supply of
drawing paper and materials for art and science
projects. We had the time and means to pursue
various extracurricular activities.

And, throughout everything, my parents
engaged in various forms of activism and fought
battles of principle against organized idiocy in
all its many forms.

Some neighbors thought God had blessed us
because my mother was devoted to Him. Others
thought my father, a veteran of the Pacific Island
hopping campaign and the Pearl Harbor attack,
had some kind of incredible survivalist secret.
The worst of our neighbors — the shrieking,
hysterical, pity-seeking neuro-bitches — thought
it was simply because the Hoffmans had three
kids who were smart, hardworking, and "didn't
break their mother's heart like worthless, no-
good assholes!"

10 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

The "Big Secret," however, was that Mom and
Dad, and the three kids spent a little bit of time
every day digging around in dumpsters. If God
blessed our Mom, it was with an ability to see
the value in discarded items. Dad's "survivalist"
abilities consisted not only of skillful poaching,
but to a greater extent, skillful dumpster
salvage. And, as much as we kids excelled in
academics, there was one honor for which we
only competed with each other... and that
competition was fierce.

We all wanted to be "Master Diver."

Abundance And Self-Sufficiency

As a child, I never realized that our lifestyle
was incredible. It just seemed natural that we
had abundance and happiness while other
families did not, despite similar income and
circumstances. If I ever asked a question about
our good fortune, I was informed that the
Hoffmans were simply a little more careful and
didn't waste so much. It seemed reasonable to
me. And I was told again that I must never, ever
tell anyone about our dumpster diving. If we
told, the other families would simply get there
first and grab all the goodies. We didn't even use
the expression "dumpster diving" but called it
"looking behind Jerry's." Even when the school
bus bullies taunted us that the Hoffmans weren't
so smart, after all, we never told The Secret.
Once, my little brother, Jedediah smiled and
said, "Oh, yeah? Well, I've got a secret."

"What is it?" asked a big, smelly member of
the Bembenek litter.

At that moment I and my sister, Rebekka,
gave little Jed a look that made him turn pale.

"Nuh-nuthin." Jed stammered. "I guess I don't
have a s-s-secret, after all."

The amazing thing was that plenty of people
actually knew we scavenged dumpster ma-
terials. But if anyone asked what we were doing
in the alley behind Jerry's Food Mart, my mother
would remark casually that she "needed a few
boxes" and change the subject. Nobody knew

that we were tapping an incredible source of
wealth and we damn sure didn't tell them.

If YOU happen to be one of the "rural poor"
or a person dreaming of a little piece of land and
self-sufficiency, boy, is this the book for you!
However, if you are an apartment dweller, a
student, a struggling homeowner, an activist, a
radical, a starving artist or even a "modem
nomad" in a van or RV, this book can teach you
vital skills that can save your ass — and your
dream.

Diving Is Believing

"If the stuff is so good, why did somebody throw
it away?"

This is a question I encountered many times
when I first began to share my experiences. And,
years later, I still don't have an answer. I've
provided facts, figures, and my own anecdotal
experience to show the wealth is, in fact, there.
Why is another matter.

Why has most of America forgotten the bitter
lessons of the 1930s?

Why do people experience unemployment
and malnutrition while surrounded with oppor-
tunity and food sources?

Why do people spend money they don’t have
to buy things they don't need? Why does the
government print money to give away to Third
World ratholes while oppressing its own citi-
zens with productivity-hindering taxes, laws
and regulations?

I don't know. But I can tell you this: THE
UNITED STATES IS FULL OF IDIOTS
DISCARDING PERFECTLY GOOD MATERIAL
WEALTH.

It's a diver’s market. Don't ask why, just dive,
baby, dive.

Dumpster diving is like having a generous
uncle with lots of stuff. You drop by your uncle's

A Realistic Path to Self-Sufficiency 11

place and say, "Hey, Unc... nice chair you have
there."

"You want it?" Uncle replies. "Take it off my
hands."

"Thanks, Unc!" you reply, and toss it on the
back of the truck.

"How about twenty frozen gourmet entrees
and a brass planter?" Uncle inquires, politely.

"Sure!" you reply. "I'll eat the grub and sell
that brass planter."

"Well, as long as you’re selling stuff," Uncle
says, thoughtfully, "I have, somewhere here... a
crystal candy dish and a whole box full of
perfectly good videotapes. And a small end
table. By the way. I've got a nice shirt that would
fit you. Oh, how about all these old picture
frames?"

"Thanks, Unc!" you exclaim. "I'll drop the
stuff off at the consignment store. I'm sure the
money will buy me a couple of tanks of gas.
Now I can afford to take my girl out this
weekend."

"Hey," Uncle says, with a wink. "I've got three
dozen Playboys from the 1970s packed in acid
proof plastic — in sequential order."

"Whoa!" you exclaim. "You're the greatest.
Uncle!"

"Think nothing of it!" he replies. "And please,
come by tomorrow and take a few more things
off my hands."

Everybody should have a kind and generous
uncle, don't you think? Better yet, YOU should
have one. Everything I named in that little
vignette was stuff I've actually found in
dumpsters... this month. I've made tens of
thousands of dives in a variety of locations and
circumstances, but every week I find something
that intrigues and amazes me. I'm convinced
that, sooner or later, just about anything will be
thrown out.

Whatever your concern, whatever your
interest, somebody is probably tossing out
something you can use right this minute.

Food. Lots and lots of good, usable food.
Clothing. Tools. Building materials. Every kind
of household furnishing. Toys. Repairable and
working appliances. Craft and hobby materials.
Sports equipment. Books and magazines... by
the ton. Valuable scrap metal. Live plants,
planters and all. Informative documents and
papers. Stuff suitable to feed livestock. Compost-
ing material and things suitable for fertilizer by
the ton, by the truckload, mountains of it, neatly
bagged for transport.

And much, much more. Scary stuff. Firearms.
Human bodies. Live babies. Drugs. Money. Yes,
money. Identification. Credit cards. Uncashed
checks. Blank checks. I found five books of blank
checks just the other day, within a block of my
residence. Letters suitable for blackmail. Porno-
graphy. Pictures of your neighbors having sex.
"Survivalist" books... like this one. It's hard for
me to believe, and I've been doing this for years.

The other day I found, beneath a pile of
personal papers, a bag with over a hundred
coins in it. Most of the coins were relatively
unimportant pieces from European countries.
However, there were two Kennedy halves and a
silver "liberty head" half dollar, condition "very
good," date 1914, mint mark "S." I frequently find
small amounts of change, unused postage
stamps, and books of blank checks. I pull in a
charge card or a book of checks at least once a
week. Naturally, I don't use these things for
fraud, but the potential is there.

Everything produced by our society is
eventually discarded by the same super wasteful
society. To think that in the 1930s andl940s we
were boiling bones twice to make soup. Today,
within the lifetime of that same generation, we
are discarding valuable property as though
every household had its own magic lantern...

This situation can not, will not continue
forever. But, today, you can cash in. Do you
want to achieve self-sufficiency? Freedom from

12 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

want? Freedom from coercion? Do you want to
aim your resources at your goals, and not
squander your financial firepower on day-to-
day needs?

Dive, brother.... and save your dimes for a
rainy day.

The Hard Realities

Friend, my intention is not to "b.s." you or
pull the wool over your eyes. When I say the
wealth is there, it's there. However, if I have
conveyed the impression that dumpster diving
is like going to a yard sale or picking up several
pricey items for free, or stopping by a supermar-
ket and loading your cart with food — well,
that's incorrect.

Gain requires some smarts and some effort.
However, considering the gain involved, dump-
ster diving requires less physical effort and less
cerebral expenditure than most activities. And,
this time, I can tell you why.

1. As mentioned previously, THE UNITED
STATES IS FULL OF IDIOTS DISCARDING
PERFECTLY GOOD MATERIAL WEALTH.

2. The United States is full of uptight
individuals who wouldn't dare poke around
in dumpsters because of vague fears about
"germs," "laws," "vermin," "socially un-
acceptable behavior," and other self-erected
mental prisons.

Done correctly, dumpster diving does not
have to be messy, embarrassing, dangerous or
time consuming. But it does require some will-
ingness to go against the norm.

Besides all the dumpster goodies — our focus
of concern, here — there's a lot of other crap you
don't want. The funny thing is that, many times,
what you don't want today you may want next
year, or somebody else may want it. To a great
extent, this book takes that into account and tells
you how to store certain items, make trades, etc.

However, at all times I am acutely conscious
of the effort versus benefits ratio. Damn near
everything has value to somebody at some time.
That doesn't mean, however, that it's always
worth your time to haul off a load of lumber
scrap — particularly if you live in a small apart-
ment and don't know anybody nearby with a
wood-burning stove. That's what's so great
about being a semi-rural dumpster diver.
Finding materials useful on a farmstead is about
as hard as falling off a log.

It's heartbreaking for me to live in an
apartment, drawing my wealth from a career in
the city, watching people discard perfectly good
lumber, cinder blocks, firewood, sheet metal,
glass, insulation, plastic piping, ferrous items,
animal feed, compost and fertilizer material. The
only thing worse is to watch people strive for
"self-sufficiency" by spending their hard-earned
money on commercially manufactured utility
buildings, greenhouses, planting boxes, animal
feed and fertilizer.

Rural living is great, but it's a lot of work, too.
Animals have to be fed, watered and kept in
good health, gardens tended, buildings kept in
good repair, firewood cut and stacked. Digging
up potatoes and butchering pigs is hard work.

There are plenty of advantages to urban
living, advantages that can be increased with
dumpster diving. I don’t have to mess around
sawing wood, stacking it, hauling it around,
lighting fires and keeping the fire going. Instead
of throwing all the firewood in the truck, I can
simply poke through it until I find — let's see —
a perfectly good bookshelf. I can turn up the
thermostat, sit back, admire my new bookshelf
and read up on a favorite topic. Urban or rural,
when you feel hungry from reading or chopping
wood, you can walk to the fridge and pull out
one of those frozen gourmet entrees.

Yes, everything has potential use and value to
somebody, somewhere. That doesn’t mean you
should save every cardboard box, plastic bottle,
and glass jar. And that's what dumpsters are full
of, frankly — packaging.

A Realistic Path to Self-Sufficiency 13

Books, shelf and tape case (with tapes) found in dumpster.

Changes In Society

Tons and tons of it, diving comrades.
Dumpsters aren't full of stinky refuse, dump-
sters are full of packaging. Boxes, bottles,
wrappers, jars, bags and tubes and you name it.
Everything purchased in a store is wrapped and
boxed once, twice, maybe three times and put in
a disposable grocery bag, too. Think of all the
time you've wasted in your life just unwrapping
crap.

Once upon a time people produced or traded
for most of the items they consumed. If they
purchased something in a bottle, crock, or can
they somehow used that container. I’ve seen
beautiful religious portraits produced from old
oyster tins, hammered flat, engraved and
painted. At old farmsites I've noted "Prince
Albert" cans used to patch buildings,
newspapers layered into walls for insulation,
boards from shipping crates hammered into
chicken coops and comcribs. Even in large cities,
one hundred years ago, "ragmen" collected and
sold household discards.

But that old way of doing things fell by the
wayside. People became more and more
detached from producing products for their own
use and consumption. Pretty soon even farmers
— once self-sufficient — became dangerously
specialized and relied more and more on mass
produced items.

Now, I’m not one of those weepy basket-
weaving types who pine for the day when
everyone had to pick their own berries and sew
together their own clothes. How would you like
to be back in the "good ol’ days" with polio and
chamber pots?

However, there’s a flipside to the present state
of affairs — massive waste. People have become
so specialized, so detached from the fabric of
society, so dependent on their own little niche,
so caught up in their own abstractions, they can
no longer see the value in an old piece of
furniture, slightly bruised produce or a pile of
lumber.

Maybe a highly-paid lawyer/ woodtick-on-
the-ass-of-society can afford to toss out his old
books, furniture, wardrobe and videotapes.
Maybe stores can afford to discard tons of usable
food. Yes, there's something wrong with all that
waste. But that's the way things are — why
shouldn't you benefit?

Profit From Stupidity

Digging in other people's garbage.

Take a good look at these words and think
about your gut reaction. My eager comrade,
dumpster diving is one of the great American
taboos. It's so taboo there aren't even organized
groups fighting against it — yet. Once I called a
live radio talk show and shared a little bit about
dumpster diving grocery stores. The host hardly
spoke a word — he just let me say all these
shocking, controversial things. I shared some of
my philosophy with the radioland audience,
stuff like "just because a box of food has seen the
confines of a dumpster does not render it unfit for
human consumption. The inside of a dumpster

14 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

is about as sanitary as the inside of a produce
truck — often more so.”

Call-in reactions were immediate and livid.
One particularly stupid individual wondered
aloud if I would sue the store if "tainted" food
made me ill. Probably one of those lawyer/-
woodtick types. Another idealistic dim wit said
hungry individuals should go to the "local food
shelf," not dumpsters. Who said I was hungry?
And who said I don’t already use freebie food
programs as often as I can get away with it?

The pro-waste mentality is a part of the very
fabric of our nation's true belief system. The
wealth is there, and everybody is afraid to grab it.
Afraid to look "poor." Afraid of "getting into
trouble." Afraid of "invading somebody's
privacy." Or just ignorant of the possibilities.

And that's precisely why the opportunities
are so great for the daring few. People like YOU.

Good Days And GREAT Days

I seldom if ever return home empty handed
after dumpster diving. Very few things in life
give you a freebie each and every time you show
up. Those rare times when I come home empty-
handed can usually be traced to one of the
following reasons.

1. I just didn’t look very hard or very long —
maybe I had other things to do that day and
only checked a few dumpsters on my
"trapline."

2. Somebody else was there first.

When my dad and I returned from fishing
empty-handed, my dad called it "getting
skunked.” All the same, it was fun to be out
fishing, netting or spearing. Dumpster diving
will leave you empty-handed more rarely than
fishing, trapping or gathering wild edibles. But,
like these activities, dumpster diving has a
certain innate appeal. "Living off the land” is
satisfying to the body and soul. Dumpster
diving, however, is more intense, more out-
there-on-the-edge. Dumpster diving is like a

series of quick thrills. It's not mellow, like
picking mushrooms. Dumpster diving is full of
"cheap thrills." It is , frankly, addictive.

When I talk about "coming up empty-
handed" I'm not talking about the years I lived
on the ol' Hoffman homestead. As I said before,
finding stuff useful on a farm is the simplest
thing in the world.

Let me describe a "good" day dumpster
diving. That is, a day which is "less than great."
Here's the likely haul, conservatively:

« Some food in the form of slightly bruised
fruits and vegetables, or "expired" dairy
products, frozen foods, bread and baked
goods. It’s about enough for one meal
serving six people.

• Some aluminum cans and/or aluminum
scrap. It's enough to pay for, say, the gaso-
line we burned up detouring for dumpsters.

» Some firewood, requiring minimal smashing
and/or chopping. It’s enough to provide,
say, one day of heat.

• Several magazines, newspapers, and/or a
few books. You'll find more than that, but
I’m only talking about the stuff you grabbed
because you wanted to read it.

• A few pieces of construction material. This
may be a couple sheets of plywood, a pile of
nice planks, maybe a few cinder blocks. The
"firewood," with more effort, could be used
for construction. Likewise, I've periodically
been guilty of using quality boards for
firewood.

• A "trade" item or "use" item. It's hard not to
find one great freebie, but it's difficult to
predict what that item might be. It could be
anything, ranging from an expensive article
of clothing that's just your size to a
mysteriously discarded brass candlestick to
a healthy potted palm. You name it,
somebody’s throwing it out.

A Realistic Path to Self-Sufficiency 15

o Animal feed and composting material. Tons
of this stuff is available for the taking. Eager
to head home, you grab only a two day
supply for twenty-five chickens, and a few
bags of leaves for winter insulation around
the foundation of the house.

Now keep in mind this is the "take" on a "less
than great" day. And keep in mind you only
worked one hour — on your own terms — to
acquire that stuff. The food alone would be
tough to purchase with an hour's wages —
unless you have a job that pays pretty good. But,
in addition to the food, you've acquired some
aluminum, firewood, reading material, con-
struction material, a "freebie" object for use or
trade, some animal feed and composting
material. (Here, the "composting material" does
double duty as insulation.) It's not a fortune, of
course, but try buying all that stuff with an
hour's wages — after Uncle Sam and the state
skim their share right off the top.

As I said, we're talking about a "less than
great” day of diving. I'm not talking about those
FANTASTIC days when you find a month's
supply of produce in one place, boxes and boxes
of paperback novels, a whole truckload of
lumber, or that one item you really needed and
were about to purchase — like a file cabinet or a
dinette set. Those are the days you yell
"whoopeeeee!" all the way home, eating big
mouthfuls of cheddar cheese "ala dumpster" and
washing it down with pleasantly chilled fruit
juice.

That’s why dumpster diving — like fishing —
is so addictive. The "big haul” is always just
around the comer. And, managed carefully, the
big haul can see you through the "dry spells"
when you don't find much. But with enough
skill and good territory, there's no need for you
to have "dry spells" at all. And, of course, you
can take the money you're saving and fix your
kid’s teeth, purchase a few more boxes of
ammunition, or skip a day waiting on tables to
try out for that part in a movie.

No, you didn’t win the Florida state lottery.
But compound this little advantage over the
course of a week, a month, a year. It starts to add
up. Pretty soon there’s a confident spring in
your step, a crafty gleam in your eye. People will
start to notice you're doing really well for
yourself.

Just Gimme Some Space! 17

TWISTED IMAGE b y AceBackwords ©m3

Chapter 3

Just Gimme Some Space!

Some people are poised to benefit more than
others. The three big "advantage factors" are as
follows:

1. Proximity to dumpsters.

2. Space (for example, a house versus an
apartment).

3. Land.

Proximity

The closer you are to the dumpsters, the bet-
ter. You’ll waste less effort and less gasoline if
the dumpsters are right around the comer. Of
course, it's not likely that you'll have a little farm
right in the middle of the city. A little less
proximity for a little more land and space is a
good deal. Our family farm was located about
nine miles from a small city, and we had
business in the city almost daily thanks to
extracurricular activities. Three to five miles
would have been better.

But proximity also means proximity to the
"right" kind of dumpsters. Not all cities are cre-
ated equal. The two extremes are the worst: very

small cities and very large cities. The town
where I learned much of my diving finesse had a
population of approximately 30,000. Some
would consider that woefully small, but it is
large enough for a maximum diving lifestyle.
Keep in mind the "official" population of a city
may not include heavily urbanized areas outside
arbitrary "city limits." As long as the city or
town in question has a good sprinkling of busi-
ness and residential areas, it has potential. I've
made some great finds in areas that consisted of
"two gas stations and a bait store," but obviously
you want as many dumpsters as possible.

The other extreme, however, is also very bad.
Very large urban areas attract vagrants and,
frankly, competition. I’ve seen grocery store
dumpsters in big cities where vagrants literally
sit around and wait for stuff to be discarded.
There is still plenty of opportunity in a big city,
but you can count on competition where food
and readily salable materials are concerned.
Some homeless individuals "migrate" south
during the winter, or check themselves into
mental hospitals, so you will note more or less
competition depending on the season. Fortu-
nately, suburban areas are just like small cities.
Homeless individuals tend to stick close to the

18 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

soup kitchens, blood plasma centers, and down-
town missions in the inner city.

The homeless aren't the only hungry hordes
that may provide competition. Towns devas-
tated by the loss of key industries will naturally
have more competition and more "interception"
of dumpster-bound wealth by, for example,
sharp-eyed store employees. (You'll learn how to
be one later.) In general, any place with plenty of
needy individuals spells C-O-M-P-E-T-I-T-I-O-
N.

Homeless "competition" is often no competition at all.

The U.S.-Mexico border, for example, is prob-
ably the most heavily dumpster dived area in
North America. Every day legions of Mexicans
cross the border — legally and otherwise — and
raid every available dumpster. Even dumpsters
in secluded, upperclass neighborhoods are re-
peatedly rummaged. Dumpsters several miles
from the border are fair game as the divers
range far and wide for gringo garbage goodies.
The dumps themselves are scavenged daily, as
well. The fruit of dumpster diving labor is
available for reasonable prices on both sides of
the border, in numerous flea mercados.

And, with the domestic oil market in a
shambles, the rest of the economy uncertain, the
border states full of lean and hungry Hispanics,
well, you can count on competition even

hundreds of miles north of the U.S.-Mexico bor-
der.

Also count on some degree of competition in
all the poorly-managed "goober belt" states. The
so-called "rust-belt" is an example of an area
devastated by the loss of key industries, also.
Count on competition in proportion to the eco-
nomic desperation in your particular area.

However, even in areas with lots of competi-
tion, dumpster diving can be profitable. I've
made some of the my best finds in one of the
largest cities on the U.S.-Mexico border, where
25% of the population lives below the govern-
ment's arbitrary "line of poverty." Italian made
leather jackets, paperback books, even that bag
of coins were dived in the very teeth of fierce com-
petition.

Any city with a sizable population of poor,
desperate people is going to have a lot of com-
petition. For example, there's one small city in
northern Minnesota that should be a dumpster
diver's paradise. It has a campus, an assortment
of industries, and plenty of middle class
residences. However, it's right next to an Indian
reservation. Enough said.

Diver friends in Alaska and Florida tell me
competition is fierce from native Alaskans, and
Cuban and Haitian refugees.

So, in general, a mid-sized city or suburban
area is best. It’s big enough to have an excellent
selection of dumpsters but small enough to
avoid a sizable population of homeless in-
dividuals. Be aware of the economic trends in
your area.

Plenty Of Opportunity

I'm addressing the issue of "competition" here
and now simply because I wouldn't want you to
become discouraged if you reside in a com-
petitive territory. So much potential wealth is
being discarded on a daily basis that it would
take an army to cart it all off. Even in a competi-
tive area, diving can be a profitable enterprise
with only a little extra effort.

Just Gimme Some Space! 19

There's a reason for this besides the fact so
much stuff is discarded. I call it my "Dumpster
Diving Is Like Crime Theory." It goes like this:
Crime doesn't pay because most criminals are
not very bright — merely desperate. If an
intelligent, careful person consciously breaks the
law the odds are he or she will succeed. Dump-
ster diving is the same way.

In short, "competition" from the homeless is
no competition at all. First of all, many homeless
people rely primarily on soup kitchens, pan-
handling revenue, and various freebie
"outreach" programs. What the homeless seek in
a dumpster, when they do scavenge in a dump-
ster, is less than what you seek.

Most homeless have no capacity for the long-
term storage of perishable goods. After all, there
are no freezers under bridges and sustained cold
weather drives the homeless southward or in-
side. So if they find some frozen t.v. dinners, for
example, they will probably take an armful and
leave the rest untouched. They aren't interested
in building up a surplus or making lots of
structural improvements to their shelter. They
don't have animals to feed except for, some-
times, a dog or cat. They can only carry off a
small amount of firewood. Sometimes a
homeless person will obtain a couch or chair for
their own use, but they won't carry off most
large items. If they find something they can
quickly sell, they'll obtain cheap alcohol, crack,
or glue to keep themselves up for a day or so.

In fact, most homeless people are so busy
drinking and dodging their own sad delusions
that you can discount any spirited competition
— except where aluminum cans are concerned.
Aluminum cans are easy to convert into cash for
the purchase of food and abusable substances.
I've lived and scavenged with homeless indi-
viduals while writing news articles, and I
watched in amazement while they ignored
household goods, books and blank checks, and
interesting documents in favor of aluminum
cans. Can collection is also favored by many of
the "marginally employed."

Yes, by the way, it's sad that some people are
homeless. Lots of things are sad. It's sad our so-
called "elected" government runs this country
like a maxed-out "Discover" card and has
regulated our once-vibrant economy into the
damned grave. That's sad. Look out for yourself
and your kids, not people who live in cardboard
boxes because they can’t cope with the cold,
hard universe.

A volunteer at a homeless shelter once told
me that some of their most loyal supporters —
people who went out and purchased boxes of
groceries and such — sometimes end up home-
less themselves. Something to consider. Today's
wealth is quickly squandered and tomorrow
brings unexpected changes.

The homeless are not a serious source of com-
petition except where they are numerous. There
is plenty of room for peaceful co-existence.
Sometimes you can even ferret out "hot" dump-
sters by noting the habits of one or two far-
ranging homeless individuals. Periodically I'll
arrive at a dumpster and a homeless person is
already there. Under certain circumstances I will
immediately move in to scavenge, too. If the
other person does not timidly leave, I’ll simply
smile and proceed to rummage. When I find
something I hand over a "cut" to keep the peace.
I determine the cut. Some homeless individuals
with bipolar mental illness are chronic packrats,
and will grab far more stuff than they can
reasonably use or even more than they can
carry. Hence the saving of "useless" plastic bot-
tles and cans by "crazy old bag ladies."

Some of the homeless are too feeble to climb
in the trashbin, and my assistance is welcomed
— sort of. You may not understand the "word
salad" of homeless speech. Don't worry about it.
Smile and "talk friendly." Don't attempt this,
however, unless you are reasonably confident of
your ability to defend yourself.

I'll explain more about "diving etiquette" in
Chapter Six.

20 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

In some ways the homeless are a dumpster
diver's best friend. As long as the stigma of
"desperate poverty" is attached to dumpster
diving, you won't have to share the goodies with
everyone else.

Here's the competition you should worry
about: people like yourself. People with big
dreams and an attitude of grim determination.
It's ironic that this book could put equally
deserving people in competition with each
other. Well, such is life.

At present, America’s dumpsters are like a
mountain of valuable minerals with only a few
wild-eyed prospectors picking at the edges. Best
of all, not everyone is looking for the same things.
There's plenty of room for more prospectors...
for now.

A True Life Example

Some months ago, I noted that the dumpsters
around my apartment complex were being re-
peatedly raided by individuals driving trucks
registered in the Chihuahua Frontera district of
Mexico. These were family groups. For example,
I noted a husband and wife, mother and two
kids, father and son. Their dress was not fancy
but certainly clean and adequate, their trucks
the same. They were after aluminum, household
items, clothing and primo quality building ma-
terials. They were selective and intelligent about
discarded food and other consumable items.
They grabbed books but turned their nose up at
most other printed matter. They spoke Spanish
and dived confidently, without embarrassment.
All the same, they moved with efficient haste
and wouldn't raid a dumpster while apartment
residents were standing in close proximity.

At different times, I approached each of these
dumpster divers with a friendly smile and of-
fered them some second-rate items I was plan-
ning to donate to the Goodwill. This was solely
for the purpose of obtaining information, NOT
to encourage them. While exchanging small talk
(I speak limited Spanish, they spoke limited
English), I took a good look at the back of those
vehicles. These people clearly knew what they

were doing. I figured I could learn a trick or two
from these divers.

Observing "the enemy" at close range, I also
learned their weaknesses. They preferred to dive
in the late morning or early afternoon. I sus-
pected they had children returning home from
school and, like most families, preferred to be
home in the evening. Also, the international
bridges are dangerous after sunset.

As a rule of thumb, most trash is discarded in
the evening. People take out the day's household
trash after supper. People start a cleaning project
around noon and toss out a pile of stuff in the
evening. Employees let discards pile up while
attending business and toss the stuff out at the
conclusion of their nine to five shift. Like most
rules of thumb, this one has limitations and nu-
merous exceptions, but you will do well to re-
member it and act accordingly. By diving a few
hours after sunset, I managed to secure "first
pickings" in a highly competitive dumpster
diving zone. In a few months I noted the com-
petition had "thinned out" by about fifty per-
cent.

We'll look at this issue a bit more in Chapter
Six. But, remember, if you are smart and moti-
vated, competition will not be a problem. CON-
CENTRATE ON WHAT YOU ARE DOING and
don’t play unnecessary paranoid games. Unless,
of course, you happen to find something like
"The Pentagon Papers." Then you should be
paranoid.

Space — The Near Future

Exciting things are happening every day in
space. Space is the future.

No, not outer space — human space. Every
day capitalists are making a killing selling space.
Rental storage areas. Little bitty apartments.
Parking spaces. Bus station lockers. Clever con-
cepts for shelving, stuffing, stacking and storing
human belongings. But sadly, space is often a
squandered resource.

Just Gimme Some Space! 21

Friend, I sometimes try to imagine where this
nation’s economy would be if we used our re-
sources wisely instead of foolishly discarding
our wealth. Not only does America throw away
megatons of potential wealth, but the parasite
government lets millions of acres of land remain
idle. I'm not talking about our beautiful park
system (better run by private industry), but
tracts of federal land people should be using for
profit. The government also allows tons of sub-
sidized agricultural products to rot in ware-
houses and gives away your bloodstained, sweat-
soaked dollars to backward, ingrate nations who
starve and torture their own citizens. These
things bother me. But another thing Americans
waste is space.

Personally, I like to fling my pants at the foot
of the bed where I can find 'em in the morning. I
despise people who alphabetize their clothes by
designer label or can't let a few dirty dishes sit
for a day. One the other hand, I despise people
who let the messiness of daily living pile up
waist-deep, with no attempt to organize.

Both extremes are bad. But, having closely
observed individuals on both ends of the spec-
trum, I draw this conclusion: an organized
creature is more likely to survive and thrive than
a disorganized creature. You're not going to ac-
complish a damned thing if you waste several
hours a day just looking for your stuff.

Confronted with their own messiness, most
people assert they don't have enough time or
enough space. Unfortunately, the less time and
space you have the greater your need for organiza-
tion. Americans waste their time and their space
in the same extravagant manner they waste their
stuff.

I won't address time here. I will quickly ad-
dress space, the dumpster diver’s best friend... or
worst enemy.

Case In Point

A few years ago, my wife and I went apart-
ment hunting after I secured a job in a new city.

We found a reasonably priced apartment com-
plex in a really nice area — only three blocks
from a minimall with excellent diving potential.

The apartment manager explained she had
one unit in our price range. The residents of that
apartment were paying a fee to slip out of their
lease and move to a larger apartment in the
same complex. "They just got married," ex-
plained the manager. "They received all kinds of
gifts and the apartment has become too small for
their needs."

Rather than examining a "simulated apart-
ment" (yeah, right) I insisted on viewing the
actual unit, warts and all. Eager to make the
sale, the manager called the residents at the "too
small" apartment and arranged a tour for us.
Possibly embarrassed by their mess, the couple
occupying the apartment dashed out for a bur-
ger while the manager ushered Tina and me
inside.

Yes, the apartment looked too small. Way too
small. A couch capable of seating a rugby team
battled for space with chairs, a coffee table, a
home entertainment center. Albums and video-
tapes were stacked and shelved and scattered
everywhere. Plants thrust themselves out of the
cracks between the battling pieces of furniture.
A half dozen lamps and track lights illuminated
the scene of conflict like flares. A distractingly
large bowl of fake wax fruit primped amid the
chaos like a M*A*S*H* unit "Klinger." Some-
where amid the bloody mess were knick-knacks,
baskets, vases, "coffee table books," a t.v. remote,
a cordless phone, and oodles of fragile-looking
female junk I could not readily identify.

The furniture was too big for the room, and
would have been better suited to a family with
kids. The couch, in particular, was too damned
big. But plenty of other space was wasted, as
well. Plants could have been attached to the
ceiling in hanging planters saving floorspace.
The videotapes and albums could have been
better organized, too. The space at floor and
waist level was a virtual traffic jam, but more
efficient shelving could have solved the prob-
lem. There were so many "decorative" items that

22 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

the actual stuff of daily living was pushed aside.
Delicate glass thingybobs staked out vast tracts
of choice shelf space while attractive leather-
bound books and nicely framed photos formed
squatters colonies on countertops. It was a
shame. Worse yet, when people like this obtain
more space they clutter that, too.

The kitchen, if anything, was worse. Every
device for perking, popping, straining, mixing,
blending and microwaving was jammed into the
kitchen haphazardously. I saw my wife's breath
stop as she noticed the biggest, prettiest, most
expensive spice rack she had ever seen. None of
the spices had been used, of course, and dirty
dishes in the open dishwasher were not ac-
companied by pots and pans. Decorative copper
pots and pans hung on the walls in a high state
of shine. All these expensive kitchen gadgets
served the same purpose as those knick-knacks.

"What are you doing?" asked the manager, as I
pulled out a small, powerful flashlight and pro-
ceeded to look under the sink.

"Checking for water damage, rodents, ter-
mites, things like that," I replied, with a friendly
smile.

She gave me a tight smile and a look of
grudging respect. How could she, an apartment
manager, resent a tenant who was careful and
conscious of property?

I proceeded to inspect all the cupboards and
comers in the kitchen. I ran the faucet and the
garbage disposal, inspected the fridge and
pushed a few buttons on the dishwasher.

"A dishwasher!" my wife said, giving me a
secret look.

I knew what that look meant. While the man-
ager babbled about the wondrous efficiency of
the dishwasher, I give my wife a wink. Later we
would ask to have the dishwasher removed
(obtaining a receipt) and would establish a little
pantry in the space, instead. A dishwasher does
the following: 1) wastes energy, 2) wastes water,
3) wastes detergent, 4) never gets dishes totally

clean, anyway, 5) eliminates a task which is, in
my opinion, kind of relaxing, 6) requires much
more space than it's worth.

Think about it. Two feet by two feet by three
feet is twelve cubic feet of valuable kitchen space.
Some models are even larger. And for what?
That water-wasting, soap-swallowing, space-
squandering Maytag monstrosity doesn't save
you more than twenty minutes a day — and you
lose that in water, electricity, soap and repairs.

Even as I examined every foot of that apart-
ment for potentially unpleasant post-lease sur-
prises, I couldn't help but notice the poor use of
space by the current residents. Mentally, I was
rearranging things — putting up a space-saving
rack on the inside of a cupboard door, for ex-
ample, and removing foodstuffs from their
bulky packaging.

The small bedroom of that apartment was
worse than the living room and kitchen
combined. Boxes of personal records spilled out
of closets crammed with out-of-season clothing.
Sports equipment, hunting gear and an exercise
bike occupied precious living space. (An exercise
bike, by the way, makes a dishwasher look like
survival gear.) I peered under the bed and found
empty space — except for a few sex toys.
Bookshelves, adorned with more prissy
decorative objects, lined the walls with
thousands of volumes. Why, I wondered, didn't
the young couple just sell some of those books?

"Well, that's about it, I suppose,” the manager
smiled.

"Not quite, ” I replied.

Standing on a chair, I removed a ceiling panel
and inspected the crawl spaces above the
kitchen, living room and bedroom. And my eyes
just about popped out of my head. No, I didn't
find a nest of rats. I found another three rooms.

Up to this point, I had also considered the
apartment too small. But, I figured, we would
organize our possessions and survive, until we

Just Gimme Some Space! 23

could afford a better place. But these crawl If you can't control yourself, how can you

spaces were three feet high. Subtracting the space hope to have control of the world around you?
occupied by pipes and heating ducts, there were What good will it do to increase your wealth by

still hundreds of square feet of neglected space. 25% if you waste it and need more? If your kids

hate you? If your wife leaves you? Consider the
My mind exploded with the possibilities. lotus which grows from the decaying muck of a

Shining my flashlight around, I imagined an swamp, deriving its beauty from that muck. The

"herb" garden, complete with hydroponics and lotus is an example of perfect design. Be like the

ultraviolet lights. I pictured a hiding place for lotus, Trashhopper. First dive within yourself. •

urban freedom fighters, a production center for X,

radical anti-establishment propaganda, a smug-
gling operation, and various other covert
activities.

As it was, we used the extensive crawl space
the way the previous occupants should have
used them. We stashed personal records there,
always careful to keep the area free of paper-
chewing vermin. We used it as a storage area for
out-of-season clothing, firearms, recreation
equipment, and "sensitive" items we wouldn’t
want to leave, say, under a bed. But most of all
we used it for the storage of bulky dumpster
dived articles until we had enough stuff for a
trade or sale to a consignment store. We man-
aged to keep more stuff in that apartment than
the other couple, without being crowded.

Finding Vour Own Space

Why all this talk about space? You must be or-
ganized and efficient, or a deluge of dumpster
dived goodies will be more of a bane than a
blessing. You must be intelligent and practice
self-control, or you'll simply be a much poorer
and more tired pack rat.

Ask yourself if dumpster diving is really for
you right now — or could you benefit more by
organizing your current resources, budgeting
your money more wisely, and controlling your
habits? I've met fairly efficient divers who spend
their dumpster derived wealth on alcohol and
compulsive gambling. Their kids will grow up
to curse them. One day their kids will be sitting
in some state hospital, attending group therapy,
and they'll say, dramatically, "My father made
us eat out of garbage cans. Boo hoo hoo."

Do yourself a favor. Read a book on time
management instead of watching the Disney 3-
Channel. Time is money. And consider these
ideas for better use of space. Space is money,
too.

• Crawl spaces, attics, and basements. Working
just an hour a day, listening to the radio in-
stead of watching t.v., you can convert these
spaceSintoefficTenfstorag^ areas.

• Garage. Park the car in the driveway with a
tarp over it and your favorite anti-theft de-
vice. Make that garage a workshop or den.

• Yard. Build a subterranean cinder block
storage facility. You'll still have a whole
yard, only there will be a small, hidden
building there, too. When you think about
digging, you'll see you have more space than
you ever imagined. (Remember, however,
that underground utility pipes and cables
can kill you.)

• Under the bed, beneath the couch and chairs, and
in the space where you used to have a dish-
washer. Consider hooking things to the
ceiling. Install racks on the back of cupboard
doors and other neglected spaces. Obtain a
used bunkbed for each of your kids and con-
vert the whole "lowerbunk" area into storage
space. College kids call this a "loft." It works
for mature individuals, also. As times get
tougher I predict we'll see lofts become more
popular. Beat the rush and start a trend in
your area.

• Other people's spaces. Consider all the places
you might "borrow." Once, I had a complete
garden on somebody else's property. And I

24 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

once knew an individual who lived in a ter-
ribly small apartment but did a lively trade
in various types of discarded property. He
simply used space at a building owned by
his employer. Brain storm a bit about the
space around you and how to access it. You
may find yourself tunneling into your city’s
concrete guts.

• Car trunk. You should drive a truck with a
removable "topper," but we'll discuss
"equipment" later. All day long we haul
around empty space in the trunks of our
cars. Load up that space with lightweight
items you wish to sell. Does this cost you
gasoline? Hey, you don't calculate the "extra
gas" when you have a 180 lb. passenger.
Riding your brake and revving your engine
is how you bum up gas.

• Rooftops. Weather is a factor here, as well as
pollution. But consider the possibilities for
gardening, your own instant "deck," etc. Pry
those windows open and walk in the sun-
shine. Don't fall through a decayed roof,
however. As times become tougher, cities
will appear greener and greener at the sky-
line.

Hopefully, you've started thinking about
your own space. The more space you have, the
better, particularly where messy items like car
batteries are concerned, or bulky items like
aluminum siding. If you live on a farm or some-
thing like a farm, you're in luck. You can salvage
and store lumber until you have enough to sell
for some quick cash. You can drag home a big
piece of plate glass and store it somewhere for
years until you need it. The more space you
have, the more you can profit by dumpster div-
ing.

And, remember, when it comes to dumpster
goodies: convert, convert, convert. Don't leave
the stuff sitting around like Federal Reserve
Notes stuffed into a mattress. Put your wealth to
work for you. If it's not part of your personal
stash of items for future use, convert it. Even
using the cash to buy soda pop and pay the
cable bill is better than letting boxes of dumpster

loot sit around, crowding you out of house and
home.

I once met a women who saved all her
magazines and her children's old toys, among
other things. She showed me some antique
guides, once, and pointed with pride how much
her old toys and old Life magazines were worth.

However, she crowded her own children out
of house and home with her crap collecting. She
even demanded space in their little rooms for
long term storage of moldy old clothes. Years
later, the mere mention of her habits can set
those children off in explosions of scarlet-faced
rage. They are defiantly wasteful of material
possessions, tossing out a shirt and matching
pants, for example, rather than fixing one but-
ton. (I love diving their trash.) And the old
woman died damn near penniless from an in-
fected tooth, still surrounded by thousands of
dollars worth of rusting, moth-eaten "antiques."
She was still waiting. I'm told, for "hard times."

Land, Ho!

Once, everyone was directly dependent on
what he or she could hunt, grow or gather from
the land. After a while some people became
more dependent on their own ability to produce
— let us say — arrowheads. These people be-
came "once removed" from direct dependency
on the earth. Nowadays, the majority of Ameri-
cans are six or seven "times removed" from
direct dependence on the earth for their own
livelihood. Blizzards, droughts, and crop
failures come and go with little noticeable im-
pact on our lives. And that's good.

However, sometimes we are so far removed
from the land that we become abstract idiots.
Americans have become like domestic turkeys,
who allegedly look up in the sky and drown
during a rainstorm. But, a funny thing has hap-
pened. Even as our civilization becomes more
advanced than any preceding civilization,
people long for contact with the land. People
wish for "a little farm," and "old fashioned
values," and "self-sufficiency."

Just Gimme Some Space! 25

What's weird about this primal urge to return
to the soil is that people approach it the way
they approach most city problems: they attempt
to "purchase" self-sufficiency. And once they
look at the retail price of garden seed, tools,
livestock, fertilizer, building materials, and so
forth, they turn pale and drop the whole idea.

This doesn’t need to be the case. Dumpster
diving can be your cheap ticket to self-reliance.
Everything your self-sufficient, organic little
heart desires can be found, eventually, in
dumpsters. And plenty of the stuff in those
dumpsters can be converted to cash or bartered
for the things you need. Take 50% of that money
you were going to spend on garden seed,
building supplies and tools and put it in your fa-
vorite investment.

So, next to proximity and space, land is another
factor in the maximum diving lifestyle. Take
food refuse, for example. On the ol' Hoffman
homestead, we kept a substantial number of
pigs, chickens, goats and rabbits happy and well
fed with discarded food. You should see how
pigs go hog wild for cold pizza. The money we
saved on animal feed was immediately invested
in stuff like dental work.

Some purists would argue this is not "really"
self-sufficiency, since you are "dependent" upon
things discarded by city dwellers. Don't worry
about it. When the Eventual Economic Collapse
(EEC!) hits, you’ll have a huge supply of mate-
rials socked away, and the "purists" will be
weaving their damned birchbark baskets.

In the not-too-distant future, I believe small
scale farming will take place in the very heart of
the city. Encouraging developments are also
taking place with hydroponics and other
"futuristic" methods. Perhaps the day will come
when all those crawl spaces are filled with ultra-
advanced home hydroponics modules. In the
meantime, however, the only plants worth
hydroponics and ultraviolet lights aren't exactly
legal for human consumption.

Finding your own land to plant is similar to
finding your own space to use, only planting

onions and potatoes here and there is consider-
ably less obtrusive than storing piles of lumber
on somebody's vacant lot. A "compost pile" or
"compost box" may be rather obvious, but it all
depends on your own situation. And, done
right, it doesn’t need to be time consuming. The
point of "guerrilla gardening" is to produce food,
covertly if necessary, not to create a symmet-
rical, weedless little plot for display purposes.

Of course, this is an activity which carries no
absolute guarantee. Once, I had a delightful
garden started near a house I was renting for the
summer. Everything was going perfectly, and I
figured a bumper crop of veggies would reward
my efforts. Then — rabbits! All I managed to
produce that summer were pears and a few
flowers. Fortunately, I ate enough rabbits to jus-
tify the "bait" I had planted.

Knowing that I can produce my own food in
the midst of unforeseen circumstances gives me
a priceless sense of security and self-worth. In
peacetime, armies practice for war. Likewise,
you should "practice" for unforeseen circum-
stances. When you need a garden it's too late to
plant one — or leam how.

Once, I decided to try a "self-sufficiency ex-
periment." For one month, I ate only those foods
I could hunt, trap, grow or gather. I continued to
dumpster dive and to "intercept" food at my
place of employment, but I didn't consume it. I
simply "stockpiled" the salvaged food. I even de-
veloped an elaborate system of labeling, making
sure I consumed only "experiment" food.

And what did I leam from my experiment?

1. A garden can save your ass.

2. You may think you know wild edibles when
you see them, but there are more than you
imagine. Leam about wild edibles before
hunger becomes your motivation.

3. If you see some animal you can eat, kill it
and throw it in the freezer. Leam how to
skin a squirrel now, before you have three

26 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

hungry, wide-eyed kids watching your con-
fused efforts.

Yes, dumpster diving is a great food source.
However, a dumpster based diet is full of proc-
essed foods and pesticide treated produce. Even
in the middle of the city, you should explore the
possibilities of trapping fresh meat, gathering
wild edibles, and growing your own produce.
Dumpster diving can help you obtain the mate-
rials or cash to engage in these efforts.

For example, some people like to drive to the
country and pay to "PICK YER OWN APPLES."
Some people even pay for a garden plot in the
country. I know. I’ve rented these plots. The auto
mileage and effort sometimes costs more than
the value of the produce. However, these ac-
tivities look downright profitable compared to,
let us say, a local amusement park. It's more
memorable, too.

Remember, kids raised on a steady diet of
television, amusement parks, Nintendo and pro-
cessed food will not change readily. Be patient.
You raised 'em. The apple doesn't fall very far
from the tree, so to speak. Sometimes the child
who cries and screams to visit "Boffo Funland"
will turn into a kid who begs to go work in the
garden. Let them plant things, pick things and
"shoot” the water hose. This is much more satis-
fying than watching Ninja videos with them.
Point out pretty growing things, big things, un-
usual things, don't critique their every little
move. And wean 'em off television. It fries their
brains.

Plant something. It’s a life affirming act of
defiance, and it will do you good. If you learn
something, if you eat the fruit of your labor, so
much the better. And all the fertilizer and com-
posting material you need is in dumpsters.

Consider these "alternative" farms:

• Backyard. Consider raising a few chickens or
rabbits. If you are itching to fight city hall,
this is a great way to provoke the bureau-
cratic bastards. But, if you are keeping a low

profile, consider a garden. Even the narrow
strip of dirt around the house is suitable for
cultivation. Improve the soil with compost
and consider sunlight, moisture and
temperature conditions before planting.

« Look into root vegetables. Sure, it would be
great to show off a big squash, but squash
require lots of soil, space, water and sun-
light. If a rabbit or groundhog gets near it,
wave bye-bye. (Young groundhog, gopher,
and woodchuck, by the way, taste like pork.
Try it.) With root vegetables, you can figure
out that the Rodentia are conducting raids be-
fore extensive damage takes place.

» Vacant lots. You may think somebody would
come along and grab your veggies, but that
isn't usually the case. Carrots, onions, and
potatoes look just like weeds to most people.
Improve the soil and use foundation rem-
nants for composting. Look for city water
hook-ups to water your crop. Check care-
fully to insure hazardous chemicals haven't
been dumped on the lot.

« Right-of-ways, grassy medians, ditches, under-
utilized public land, and so forth. Obscure laws
exist in some areas which allow you to plant
gardens or harvest hay and certain wild ed-
ibles openly and legally on some "public
lands." Deadwood, or even standing trees
can be gathered, cut or transplanted legally
if you ferret out the correct procedure. (Don't
take the word of the very first paper-pusher
you encounter — in anything.) But why
bother? Just go ahead and do it.

Be careful that your compost can't be mis-
taken for garbage and somebody busts you
for dumping without a permit or some other
hocus-pocus law. Plant some flowers and
fruit trees. This will make you look real good
if you encounter a legal hassle or wish to
provoke one.

• Somebody else's land. Simply look for
"private" land which isn't closely watched
and can be used without hassle. Empty
homes with large yards, for example, or

fust Gimme Some Space! 27

vacant commercial sites. You don't have to
reside near the garden, either. I once knew a
meter reader who planted veggies at homes
which were vacant. Some of the homes were
occupied by the time his veggies came to
maturity, but he always had a fairly large
crop in the fall.

• Somebody else 's farm can be your farm. Once,
my mother was planting "windfall" squash
seeds on semi-cultivated areas around our
farm buildings. These are seeds we saved
from rotten squash we found in dumpsters.
A huge gust of wind scattered some of the
seeds in the neighbor's field, where he had
just planted soybeans. We later discovered
several hundred pounds of squash amid the
soybeans. We figured the squash plants were
not consumed by the rabbits because we
hunted the rabbits constantly. After that, we
made a point of planting squash amid our
neighbor's crops, grateful for his tilling and
irrigation.

Plant something. It's anti-establishment.

What's In It For Me?

We have been examining the relative advan-
tages of proximity, space, and land. You know
your own situation best, and you can adapt ac-
cordingly. But, in addition to the three previous
factors, an all-important "fourth factor" can
change the whole picture: YOU.

Are you intelligent? Are you motivated to
work for your own interest? Would a big box of
food make you happy to the point of delirium?
You may have a few diving advantages, or every
advantage, but whether or not you benefit de-
pends completely on YOU.

Some people are poised to benefit more than
others, and I have previously described these
people as the "lean and hungry." Whatever the
world hurls at them they manage to adapt,
overcome, survive and, ultimately, thrive. And
when the lean and hungry have something
valuable thrown their way, by God, they do
something clever with it. Introduced to the tre-

mendous windfall of dumpster wealth, the lean
and hungry find ways to use unexpected dump-
ster dived objetsd'art.

Somebody who is not one of the lean and
hungry might look in a dumpster and say,
"Duh... let's see here. Cans of fluorescent spray
paint. Nylon rope. Crash helmet. A box of road
flares. And a female department store manne-
quin? Aw, shucks. I was hoping for porno mags.
Now what can I do with this crap?"

The lean and hungry individual, however,
feels the hair stand up on the back of his neck.
No, he isn't sure what he can do with the stuff,
but he knows immediately that he'll think of
something. The lean and hungry individual
senses the tremendous potential, if not the exact
application and value. He or she will grab what
life issues him or her and use the hell out of it.
By God, the lean and hungry will adapt and
overcome.

Oh, What A Feeling!

Before I set out to dive dumpsters, a tremen-
dous feeling of excited anticipation makes me
tingle from head to toe. You never really know
what you'll find. I've recovered a box of Soviet
medals, military skills manuals, a fossil collec-
tion, war mementos, hundreds of old National
Geographic magazines, walrus tusks, autograph-
ed photos of movie stars, two-headed baby pigs
in jars of formaldehyde, sets of encyclopedias,
and so forth. Needless to say, I've found several
kitchen sinks. Another exciting thing I fre-
quently find is information, to which I've de-
voted Chapter Twelve. Take, for example, a list
of fire safety violations at my least favorite local
business. An anonymous letter here, a photo-
copy there, and next thing you know some-
body's whole week is ruined.

Was I looking for this stuff? Not specifically.
Did I make use of the stuff when I found it? You
better believe it. I used it, sold it, bartered it,
and/or stockpiled it as I pleased. And you can
do the same.

28 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Your ability and, more importantly, your
LEVEL OF MOTIVATION to adapt and over-
come is the all important "fourth factor." Ulti-
mately, it all depends on YOUR brains, YOUR
will, and YOUR initiative.

Military gear discarded in an apartment complex,
including live ammo and bullet-pierced Iraqi
license plate. All this was picked up in one dive.

Is the Wealth Really There? (Yes!) 29

TWISTED IMAGE Ace Backwords ©«3

)

MAN// ISN'T
THAT PITIFUL . 1

JUST look HOW THAT
PATHETIC bum is EAGERLV
DIGGING THROUGH THE TRASH
To FIND VALUABLE, DISCARDED
I OBJECTS WHICH HE THEN TURNS
INTO CASH AND MATERIAL WEAL"

Chapter 4

Is the Wealth Really There? (Yes!)

Material possessions are easy to take for
granted until you don't have something you
need and can’t acquire it. I grew up elbow to el-
bow with people who experienced stark pov-
erty. I saw little kids develop pneumonia for
lack of a warm winter jacket. Even for the well-
to-do, property represents safety, health, well-
being... LIFE. For example, I could hock my
television to buy my wife medicine. So even
"non-essential" property contributes to your
overall well-being.

But many Americans don't have a "safety net"
of property... they have debts. Amazingly, they
discard their goods and tenaciously accumulate
debts.

Dumpster diving clears your head of a lot of
bullshit. Just as I rarely go diving without find-
ing something, I rarely return without learning
something. Mostly, I learn people are dis-
satisfied, confused, and waste a great deal of
energy. The average American's head — I'm
convinced — is a lot like his dumpster. There is
some good stuff in there. But there's a lot of crap,
too. Your average American can distinguish
between good stuff and crap — but just barely.

He gets all confused sometimes and discards
some of his good stuff, believing it to be crap.

That's where YOU, the extraordinarily clear-
headed dumpster diver, enter the picture. Every-
thing you salvage — whether for personal use or
sale — adds to your stockpile of wealth, com-
pounds little advantages to your personal econ-
omy.

Is the wealth really out there? Yes, yes, YES!
Americans represent only six percent of the
world's population, yet we produce almost half
the world’s waste. And I've chosen the word
"waste" deliberately. It's wasted Wealth.

I've searched for statistics on American gar-
bage and found most to be confused, cloudy,
and contradictory. The government is more con-
cerned with counting other things. But here's my
best summary of TOTAL WASTE.

• Ten to fifteen pounds a day for every man,
woman and child. That's almost two tons a
year. So if two dumpsters sit outside an
apartment complex containing three
hundred and sixty five, every day each of

30 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

those dumpsters will "represent" the yearly
waste of your average apartment resident.
Now, do you suppose that over the course of
a year the average person throws out one or
two things you could use? Well, every day
one or two useful items are sitting out there
is those dumpsters.

• Half the waste is packaging, mostly plastic
and paper. So, by basically ignoring this
crap, half your work is done right there.

• Of the remaining fifty percent, thirty percent
is "organic" in nature, i.e. food waste,
Christmas trees, lawn trimmings, dead
parakeets, etc. Good to eat, good to feed
animals, or good for fertilizer. But we choose
to bury and bum the stuff like it's mutant
ooze. METAL makes up roughly ten percent,
and another ten percent could be considered
MISCELLANEOUS. For example, framed
pictures, still-working Christmas lights,
boxes of telephone equipment.

Of course, that is a very broad overview of a
complex and beautiful mountain of stuff. A gro-
cery store dumpster, for example, is about
twenty percent organic and about eighty percent
plastic and paper. A bookstore is almost ninety
percent paper, in the form of discarded books
and cardboard boxes. A restaurant is a mix of
"paper" and "organic," in widely-varying ratios,
while an appliance repair shop could be almost
fifty percent miscellaneous. Still, there are plenty
of times when the grocery store dumpster is full
of discarded sheetrock, or the bookstore dump-
ster contains the discarded remains of an em-
ployee potluck dinner.

Quality varies considerably. I wouldn't con-
sider personally consuming ninety percent of
residential food waste. But I would consume
almost fifty percent of grocery store waste.
Looking at the broad statistics establishes that a
lot of stuff is out there, but provides little detail.

For detail, ask a dumpster diver. I'm telling
you the discarded wealth is enough to make you
weep. I have brought people along on my diving
forays and made them converts in a single night.

The question which always comes out of their
mouths is, "How could somebody just throw
this stuff away?"

Let's explode a stupid myth. Here is the myth:
People throw things away because the stuff isn't
good anymore.

WRONG. People throw things out for a vari-
ety of convenient reasons. They are moving and
can't pack all the "junk" they saved in closets
and attics. Somebody died and left a house full
of "crap" to dispose of quickly. Somebody gave
them a gift they didn't want. Somebody broke
their heart so they threw away a whole box of
"bad memories.” People throw away clothes
which are "out of style" or which they have
"outgrown" or which have one little spot or tear.
People toss out items which are nicked, scratch-
ed, bruised, dented, or otherwise "damaged."
The reasons people discard things are as com-
plex as the reasons people purchase things.

Here's another stupid myth: If the stuff had
any value it wouldn't be discarded.

Yeah, tell me that while I jam fifteen dollars
"cash money" in my pocket. I've seen people
throw out boxes of clothes that have been
washed, pressed, and neatly folded. I've ac-
quired music tape collections in perfect condi-
tion. People throw things away mostly because
they happen to be idiots.

One of the biggest reasons dumpster diving is
so profitable involves the American obsession
with "cleanliness." You'd think we were all
raised in oxygen tents. Most Americans won't
purchase a "blemished" vegetable and most
stores won't attempt to sell one. Americans seem
to believe they'll puke their guts out and die if,
God forbid, they should be forced to eat bread
with a little mold on it, food from dented cans,
or a slightly wilted vegetable. (Never mind the
fact that we are all eating ground up insects, rat
droppings and manmade poisons in all the per-
fect-looking food.) If I could take the food I sal-
vage from American dumpsters and sell it in
Russia, I'd be a millionaire. And you can bet the

Is the Wealth Really There? (Yes!) 31

Russian housewives wouldn't bitch about a
bruised vegetable or a dented can.

I’ve been eating dumpster dived food my
whole life, and I have never been seriously ill as
a result. I’ve never had food poisoning, and I've
eaten from cans that were so bloated they looked
like squash. Two years ago I jumped jobs and
had to pass two rigorous physical exams
(including a PT test) within a space of two
months. I passed both with flying colors and
was declared "in perfect health." Oh, I'm sure I
encounter more germs than the average person...
since I work in a hospital.

Being a proficient dumpster diver provides
me with a priceless sense of security and confi-
dence. As a teenager, I would ride my bike all
over the midwest, not bothering to bring food or
money. I knew very well I could take care of
myself.

Recently, I found a coupon for a free oil
change. It appeared that somebody had been
cleaning out their desk before Christmas
vacation, and the coupon was discarded amid a
lot of other papers. I was lucky to spot it; you
develop "diver's eye" with practice. The coupon,
as it turned out, would expire the next day
(December 31). So I had a small "window of
opportunity." I finished my "route" and drove
approximately one mile to the service station.

The deal on the coupon applied to only
members of a particular group, but I managed to
finesse my way through that part with the man-
ager. My clean cut appearance and sincere atti-
tude helped quite a bit. Besides, most managers
don’t give a damn. "Freebies" are for the purpose
of showing off a product or service, getting you
as a regular customer and convincing you to buy
"extras." The stores are usually compensated by
the home office and would gladly give
makeovers to winos if compensated at a slight
profit. The service station manager agreed to
"squeeze me in" some time in the next two
hours, then bored me for about five minutes
with a presentation about some "miracle" oil
additive. I played along by asking a few ques-
tions, grinned right through the "hardsell," ex-

pressed regret but gave a firm "no." I placed my
ignition key on the counter and told him I was
sooo happy he could "squeeze me in."

I figured I could kill two hours dumpster
diving in this unfamiliar neighborhood. It sure
beats "window shopping," though I like to
combine the two. Looking through a store's
dumpster after browsing the store is like seeing
your favorite actress without her makeup,
wearing tom blue jeans and eating fast food.
Dumpster diving is a brutally real way of exam-
ining the world.

The first three dumpsters I checked were in-
teresting, amusing little bins... but basically "dry
wells." However, the fourth dumpster, outside a
sprawling apartment residence, was "warm."
Somebody had received one of those gourmet
"goody baskets." You know, the kind with fake
grass and nicely arranged meats, cheeses, etc.
He or she had eaten all the meats, but had ig-
nored half a dozen individually wrapped
cheeses, a small box of melba toast, and a little
jar of apple jelly. I didn’t have room for the bas-
ket in my dumpster dived "Adidas" bag, so I
decided to just grab the food and throw the bas-
ket back. That was when I noticed half a dozen
current magazines, mostly women's magazines.

"My wife will like those,” I thought.

As I grabbed, one of the magazines slid out of
reach behind a discarded Christmas tree.

"Damn, " I thought. "What is that? A J.C.
Penney catalog?"

I pulled several pieces of plastic-wrapped
candy off the tree and sucked on one of them,
thoughtfully. Experience has taught me to
double check my dumpster assumptions. How-
ever, I didn’t want to rummage amid that dried
up pine tree for a lousy catalog. And I had ne-
glected to bring my "dive stick," a collapsible six
foot antenna off a portable citizens band radio.
Looking around, I spotted a broken pool cue. I
grabbed the cue and probed at the catalog.
Flipping it over, I saw it wasn't a catalog, but a
copy of Swank magazine.

32 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

"Well, flog me!" I breathed, and grabbed the
magazine.

As I brushed pine needles off myself, I no-
ticed that a utility building near the dumpster
was adorned by signs and stickers reading. "NO
TRESPASSING," "THIS PROPERTY PRO-
TECTED BY .38 SPECIAL," "NEVER MIND
DOG, BEWARE OF OWNER," and other macho
bullshit. I decided, however, not to test my luck.
About this time I was getting thirsty, so I walked
over to the Diamond Shamrock convenience
store. I wondered if I should break down and
purchase a bottle of Coke to wash down the
cheese and melba toast.

"Nah," I decided. "I'll scavenge a nice clean
container, scare up some ice inside the store,
find a faucet and drink water, instead."

As I rummaged through the Shamrock
dumpster for one of their plastic jumbo beverage
cups, my eyes popped out of my head. Amid
tom maps, tourist brochures, and empty candy
wrappers, somebody had discarded two cans of
Pepsi — still attached by a plastic ring.

If you dumpster dive for any length of time
you'll understand my excitement. I find books of
blank checks and porno magazines more often
than I find sealed cans of cola. This was a rare
treat.

"Thrill me!" I breathed, and grabbed the cans.

Perhaps the colas were warm and icky when
discarded, but that cool, shady dumpster had
chilled them perfectly. I retired to the shadow of
a large evergreen to drink my soda, eat my
cheese, and check out the skin mag. As I crossed
the intersection I noticed a homeless man hold-
ing up a sign.

"Hungry," read the sign, "Please Help."

Sampling my gourmet cheeses and checking
out "foxy boxing," I reflected on the past few
hours. I had acquired a free oil change, includ-
ing oil filter, air filter, fluid check and vacuumed
interior — retail value $21.99. I had obtained

lunch and reading material. And I had done it
all on my own terms, as I damn pleased.

I watched the man in the intersection beg
passing drivers for coins. Who was he? I won-
dered. Did he once have a family? An apart-
ment? Credit cards? Did he ever dumpster dive
in this neighborhood?

I couldn't help but think that he should have
learned how to dumpster dive before he was
"hungry and homeless." Maybe if he had saved
twenty bucks on an oil change, five bucks on
lunch, a few bucks on a magazine — well,
maybe he wouldn't be out in the intersection
humiliating himself.

Dumpster diving of your own free will isn't
icky or humiliating — it's invigorating! When
you make a great find you tell yourself, "By God,
I can survive and thrive ANYPLACE!"

Of course, actually sticking your head in a
dumpster is a big hurdle for a lot of people. I
have difficulty understanding that point of view
because of the way I was raised, and because I
know how much fun and profit there is to be had
in dumpster diving. But for those of you trying
to "jump off the diving board," consider the
following:

« You've been around dumpsters all your life.
You've opened them, closed them, and
looked inside. Some people make more
money than teachers working as "sanitary
engineers." They don't get sick or hurt all the
time. It's no big deal.

• If somebody offered you some food, or
clothing, or an appliance, and the stuff
looked o.k., you'd probably take the item off
their hands and thank them kindly. Even if
they said, "I'm ready to throw it out — but
it's still good," you'd probably do the same.
Well, dumpster diving is just a few more
steps up the ladder.

• Hey! I'm a college educated guy who is
smart enough to write a book. I have a good

Is the Wealth Really There? (Yes!) 33

job, a beautiful wife and a nice apartment. I
have very few debts, and several small
investments. I dumpster dive constantly and
it's fun, fun, fun!

Recently, I found a big box full of food sitting
next to the dumpster at my apartment complex.
Somebody had apparently moved and cleaned
out their fridge. Usually I can salvage three or
four items in a box like this, so I poked around
to see what I might find. That was when I
noticed the fridge wasn't the only thing they had
cleaned out — the bottom of the box was full of
dry goods and canned items.

"Jackpot!" I gasped. My leather gloved hands
were turning over cans of vegetables, an un-
opened bag of flour, bags of pasta, cooking
spices, powdered drink mixes...

Grab the stuff and run! I thought. When I find a
box that looks like it's filled with good stuff, I
don't stand there and pick through it — I split! I
grabbed the whole box and dashed to my
apartment. Then I went back to the dumpster to
see if there were more goodies. When I find
something good in a dumpster, I keep looking
until I'm sure there isn't any more left. Diving
luck comes in "streaks,” and you have to play
those streaks like mad. If I check twenty dump-
sters and find a big pile of good stuff, you can
bet that stuff was found in one or two "hot"
dumpsters. In a residential area the "hot"
dumpsters change day to day like the "hot"
numbers on roulette wheels.

I spent the next half hour sorting the stuff in
that box and carefully wiping some of it off. I
keep a lot of tom shirts around for cleaning up
my "finds." Where did I get the shirts? As if you
had to ask! I put that food away in my cup-
board, thrilling over each can of split pea soup
and box of macaroni as if I had just created the
stuff out of thin air. Of course, finding the stuff is
the biggest thrill, but I also enjoy cleaning the
stuff up, putting it away, calculating what I'm
going to do with it. I enjoy this like some people
enjoy putting wax on their car and making it
shine. I like putting my hands all over these
items and saying "You are mine, mine, all mine."

I don't become this excited when somebody
gives me a gift. Gifts come with strings attached;
when you find something in a dumpster it's
yours. Months later I might walk down the aisle
of a grocery store and say, "I found a can of soup
like that, once." Just as a haberdasher has a
"raised consciousness" about clothing, noticing
things a normal person wouldn't, dumpster di-
vers develop "diver's eyes."

When I walk through the produce section of a
store, I notice right away the cracked coconuts,
the bruised melons. I notice stuff nearing its ex-
piration date in the frozen foods section. But it's
more than that. Everything ends up in the dump-
sters. Dumpster diving raises your consciousness
of the world to a greater degree than a special-
ized profession in a small niche of the market-
place. The other day I found an odd item in a
dumpster. I didn't know what it was, but it
looked like something that came off a car. Well,
the next day I was sitting in my car at a stoplight
when I noticed that very item on the car next to
me. This happens thousands of times a year to
me. I'm not suggesting we build a belief system
around "dumpster based consciousness," but I'm
convinced dumpster diving teaches me more in
an hour than, say, waiting on tables.

Well, I put all the food away in our cup-
boards... except for one can of com, which I ate
right away. I took the useless items (messy, half-
used bottles of ketchup, spoiled hotdogs, etc.)
and tossed that stuff right back in the same
dumpster.

When my wife arrived home I showed her the
additions to our pantry. She squealed, delighted.
The staples like flour and sugar were an un-
usually good find. It happens, but not often
enough so you can count on it. Of course, the
more you dive the more it happens.

That evening my wife went to the grocery
store — to shop, not to dumpster dive. When she
returned she had only a small bag.

’’What's that?" I asked. It looked like a sur-
prise.

34 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

"Something special I bought," she said. "Since
we didn't have to spend anything on groceries
this week I figured we could afford a treat."

She pulled out a jar of caviar.

"Oh, boy!" I said.

"You like it?" she asked. "Had it before?"

"Never had it before," I answered. "Always
wanted to try it."

My wife consulted an obscure portion of her
food science book. She served the caviar chilled,
with cream cheese, on fancy (dumpster dived)
crackers. Dumpster dived celery and lemon
wedges served as a garnish.

Like most of my family. I'm crazy about fish. I
thought the caviar was terrific. I decided I
definitely wanted to incorporate this delicacy
into my life.

"You know," I told my wife. "I'm going to like
being rich."

You just never know what you might find. It's
like trying to guess the name of a gnome who
weaves straw into gold just for you. Guess from
here to kingdom come, you'll never guess
"Rumpelstiltskin." Only by sneaking up in the
dead of night will you know the correct answer
is, "three wool sweaters and a portable pet cage."
Dumpster diving is outrageously unpredictable.
You have to do it to believe it.

If you dive consistently and well, however,
there are a few things I can reasonably predict
you'll never have to purchase again. Here are a few
of those things:

Fresh fruit and vegetables... manila enve-
lopes... clothing... clothes hangers... boxes...
houseplants, including pots... Christmas deco-
rations... cheese... videotapes and audio tapes for
recording purposes... furniture... candles...
knickknacks... bread and bakery goods... most
toiletry items... books, magazines and newspa-
pers... low cost jewelry... and much, much more.

What would that do for your budget?

Naturally, I still purchase plenty of things. If I
don't find any artichokes in the dumpster and I
get a powerful hankering for artichokes. I'll buy
some. But the more flexible you are willing to be,
the more you can adapt yourself, the more likely
that your needs can be answered through
dumpster diving.

It's tough to predict what you'll turn up in
your area. I didn’t put "candy" on that list above
because it isn't commonly found. However, I
once found roughly half a year's supply of
assorted candy. Be flexible, and you will answer
many more needs. For example, if you aren't
particular what kind of shampoo you use on
your hair, great. If you just gotta have Pert Plus,
well, you're going to end up buying it and toss-
ing back a lot of perfectly good half-used bottles
of shampoo. You'll notice that I wanted a Coke
but was happy to acquire a Pepsi at the conven-
ience store dumpster.

Hey! I almost forgot something important!
When I dumpster dived those goodies nobody
challenged me. In fact, I haven't been verbally
confronted about dumpster diving for almost
three years. And, on that occasion, the old hag...
er, elderly lady in question told Jed and me to
"go dig in the neighbor's trash, not mine!" I don't
think she would have said anything, but we
were being rather loud and taking pictures, too.
So we went and dug around in the neighbor's
trash. And it was worth it.

When you dumpster dive, you become invisible.
People will walk right past you as though you
don't exist. No doubt they are afraid you'll ask
them for a handout or they don't want to embar-
rass you. It's worse when you don’t "look"
homeless. People don't know what to make of
you. Are you looking for something? Do you
work for the sanitation department? Are you
mentally deranged? Pity, fear and confusion
keeps them away. But the same thing keeps
them from calling the police. Avoid them,
especially when they need to deposit something
in the dumpster, and they will avoid you and try
not to think about the fact you even exist.

My little brother, Jed "Slash" Hoffman, calls
this phenomenon "ninja dumpster diving." He
loves to imitate the repressed, eyes-straight-
ahead look of the non-dumpster diving people
walking past. When I dive with him my sides
ache from laughing as he does his "ninja" thing
amid the boxes or does deadly accurate imita-
tions of old ladies.

"Don’t look, Rose!" he says. "My God, they're
in the dirt bins! What are they doing? Ooooh,
they found something. What is it? My God,
they're sniffing it! Don’t look, Rose!"

If these people knew I work in a local hospital
and sometimes eat the stuff I find with caviar
smeared on it, their heads would explode.

So what are you scared of, comrade? Cooties?
Thar's gold in them thar dumpsters.

What the Well-Dressed Diver is Wearing 37

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Chapter 5

What the Well-Dressed Diver is Wearing

The Right Stuff — Clothing

Let's start with the basics. You want to go
dumpster diving but what to wear, what to wear?

Well, dumpster diving is an informal event.
Don’t dress sloppily, but don't overdress, either.
You want to project the idea that you have a
home... somewhere.

Consider the weather, first. Wear layers of
warm clothing or rain gear if necessary. Don't
wear bright colors, weird hats, political buttons,
or anything else that will make you extremely
noticeable. On the other hand, don't dress com-
pletely in black with a stocking cap and gloves.
If you're skulking around an alley at night you
don't want to look like a damned burglar. Particu-
larly, I might add, since you will probably be
carrying such things as a flashlight and a knife
to cut plastic bags.

This may seem obvious, but don’t wear stuff
that identifies you as part of a group, business,
or organization. Don’t wear your "Pizza Dudes"
windbreaker or a sweatshirt with the word
"Army." You might think this is very clever if
you don't actually belong to the group whose

stuff you are wearing, but it just makes you look
distinctive. It ruins that image you are
projecting, makes people wonder what an em-
ployed person is doing in their dumpster. Avoid
this. Go for that look which says you’re a clean,
respectable person... but you might not be
employed. This produces the "ninja effect." Not
only will people ignore you, they will try to
erase you from their memory. You can't ask for
more than that.

The Wrong Clothing

My father used to drive a local taxi when he
wanted to pick up some extra cash. My mother
acquired a nice jacket for him to wear, perfect
except for a small tear in the back. She fixed the
tear and concealed the repaired area with a
patch that she had created. The patch featured
an image of a busy little taxi and the company's
phone number. The owner of the cab company
liked the patch so much that he paid my mom to
create several for him.

One day my father was scavenging behind a
local meat shop, picking up a week's worth of
scraps for our dog. Somebody saw him. Well,
about a month later we were having a discus-

38 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

sion in my fifth grade class about all the poor,
hungry people in our country. Tsk, Tsk. The
teacher pointed out that even the employed,
well-dressed people might be hungry, even if
they didn't look hungry. That was when Suzie
So-and-So spoke up and said her mother’s
friend's husband had seen a cab driver from
"Busy" taxi company rummaging in the dump-
ster behind Joe Blow's Meat Shop. Suzie said her
mother's friend's husband knew it was "Busy"
taxi company, because of the distinctive jacket
with a busy little cab.

I froze. I didn't say a word. My parents had
taught me a long time ago to be careful with in-
formation, and Suzie So-and-So had no way of
knowing that was my dad.

The teacher pointed out that, perhaps, the cab
driver was picking up bones for his dog. (Smart
teacher! I thought, but said nothing.) But, the
teacher continued, people who couldn't afford
dogfood were still poor, and wasn't that a
shame? Tsk, tsk. The discussion meandered into
the consumption of dogfood by little old ladies
and other bullshit.

When I arrived home I reported the whole
thing to my father in detail. He told me I had
handled the whole thing exactly right and
brought back "good intelligence." I swelled with
pride. After that he made a point of wearing a
more "obscure" jacket while dumpster diving.
And, "retiring" from the job for the season, he
gave the owner his jacket with the "busy little
cab" logo.

So DON’T wear distinctive clothing with let-
ters and logo.

Make sure your clothing is durable, won't
snag easily, and cleans with minimal effort if
soiled. Denim is excellent.

Mr. Clean — Dumpster Diver

By the way, you won’t be washing your
"diving clothes" every single day. People seem
to think dumpster diving is dirtier and sloppier
than it is. The majority of dumpsters are

relatively clean and dry, except on the very bot-
tom. People don't pour liquids in dumpsters,
you know. At least liquids aren't discarded
without a container. Even stuff like food waste is
usually packed in plastic bags.

Now, dumpsters from eating establishments
are messy. If you climb in or lean over the edge
you will probably get grease on your clothing. I
use a "dive stick" to avoid this. In any case, you
won't be getting grubby very often. But
accidents do happen, so wear something you
can clean or easily replace. I haven't ruined any
article of clothing for over a year, but it does
happen. Once I spilled ink all over a pair of jeans
which were a little "newer" than I would have
liked. Thank goodness I didn't pay money for
'em.

Remember, most stains can be removed or
hidden. This is particularly good to remember
when you find clothing. People are fond of dis-
carding stuff because of one little flaw.

By the way, don't wear military articles of
clothing. Even though the color is great, even
though the stuff is wondrously durable and
washable, it is bad for two reasons:

1. Too distinctive. Too closely associated with
"deranged" individuals. It makes you look
dangerous and ruins that "ninja effect."

2. It provokes authority figures, especially if
you leave the patches and insignias on the
clothing. Most police have a military back-
ground, as well as plenty of mid-level man-
agers with their anal retentive attitude
problems. Seeing the words "U.S.ARMY" on
some "dumpster diving punk" predisposes
them to being a hard ass with you.

We'll discuss dealing with cops in more detail
later. But as long as we're examining clothing, be
conscious of your appearance from the view-
point of an authority figure. Don't wear stuff
with sports insignia, it makes you look like a
"gang member." Don't wear flannel shirts with
combat boots, it makes you look like a
"skinhead" sympathizer. Avoid any "look” dis-

What the Well-Dressed Diver is Wearing 39

tinctive of skateboarders. Cops hate that shit. You
may as well wear a "Death to the Pigs” T-shirt.
Don’t wear skull rings, "peace” earrings, ankle
bracelets, "Harley" scarves, etc. In fact, if you are
male avoid jewelry, especially earrings. If you
have a "punk” haircut, wear a hood or a hat.
Don't wear sunglasses, it makes you look like
you're up to no good.

When you are not dumpster diving, feel free
to dress distinctively, provoke authority figures,
etc. I encourage you. But, while dumpster div-
ing, cultivate that "obscure" look and you will
do well. Don't worry about your "political state-
ment." Dumpster diving is a hell of a statement.

Footwear

What you wear on your feet is extremely im-
portant. Consider the temperature and be pre-
pared for rain. But most important is the thick-
ness of the sole.

The area around dumpsters is frequently lit-
tered with glass. And dumpsters are full of brok-
en glass — though not as much as most people
believe. I prefer "shoe style" hiking footwear,
though hiking boots which cover the shins will
keep you safer. I once purchased a pair of black
shoes with steel "safety" toes and thick, grease
resistant soles. The shoes were ideal for my job
at a printing plant but were also perfect for
dumpster diving.

Standard gym shoes or casual footwear
which encloses the foot will do if that's all you
have at the moment, but be extra careful.

Gloves

Truthfully, I don't always wear gloves. You
just don't enjoy the same sensitivity and dexter-
ity you experience with bare flesh. Something
comes between you and the dumpster experi-
ence, an artificial barrier. It's like showering
with a raincoat.

I know I should be responsible and wear
gloves. I mean, my God, there are AIDS infected
junkie needles out there. (Though I've never

seen a junkie's needle. My brother has found the
actual junkies a few times.) I'll bet that I won't
have a hard time convincing most novices to
wear gloves while dumpster diving. You can al-
ways take the gloves off. Most important, it will
help you avoid injuries from glass and keep
your hands free of grease.

Leather or plastic works best, because you
can wipe it clean.

Always wear gloves in subzero temperatures.
Dumpsters are made of cold, cold metal and
your hand can "stick." Ouch!

The Right Stuff — Gear

Dumpster diving doesn't require a great deal
of specialized equipment, but there are a few
items which help considerably.

Flashlight

Absolutely essential for diving at night.
During the day you can usually see fine.

Don't skimp in this area. You can use a small
flashlight, or a cheap one, but make sure the
batteries are good. Nothing is more frustrating
than shaking a dying flashlight, trying to make
it cough up more light, when you know that
dumpster is full of good stuff you can't see.
Carry spare batteries as often as possible, and
even a spare light is a good idea when you have
a vehicle.

I use a "periscope" shaped camping flash-
light, the kind used by the U.S. Army. I've
dropped it, stepped on it, used it as a "hook" to
pull stuff toward me. It just begs for more abuse.
Use what's available, save your money, but
when you do run out and buy a flashlight con-
sider investing in something durable. I hate to
sound like a commercial, but I think it's hard to
beat those Army flashlights. They even have a
red lens to reduce visibility, and a blue lens if
your mood changes.

Rechargeable batteries used to save me lots of
money, but recently I found that most of the

40 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

batteries in discarded appliances are still "good."
I have a drawer half full of batteries. I have a
favorite battery, but for that type of
endorsement I would certainly need some cash.

By the way, if you find a flashlight that
doesn't work, try changing the bulb. Don't run
out and buy a bulb, try the bulbs you have avail-
able first. Different flashlights take different
bulbs, and the bulb type is stamped on the collar
of the bulb. Most people will discard a ten dollar
flashlight rather than purchase two bulbs for
99 <t. And the batteries you find in the same box
or bag will probably be good, too.

NEVER use matches or a lighter to illuminate
a dumpster. Sure, you probably have enough
common sense and manual dexterity to avoid
torching the trash bin. Unfortunately, what you
are doing with that match may not appear to be
"rummaging" to paranoid passersby and bumt-
out cops. Once I was hassled by a cop while I
had a boxful of paperbacks sitting in the back of
my pickup — he was more concerned with an
outbreak of small fires in that neighborhood. If I
had been using a match to see what I was doing,
it would have been hard to convince that cop I
was not a pyromaniac.

Unfortunately, trash piles and dumpsters are
frequently the target of petty pyromaniacs, es-
pecially kids lacking proper upbringing. But the
worst thing about matches is that they just don 't
shed enough light. And you really could cause a
fire by accident. Don't even light a cigarette
while you rummage. All the paranoid house-
wives will see is that flaring match. DON'T use a
flame in any manner while dumpster diving.
People throw away all kinds of flammable stuff.
You could be standing in a puddle of turpentine,
lighting your Lucky. Use a flashlight, and put
that smoke off for a minute.

Dive Stick

A stick of some kind will save you a great
deal of effort. You won't have to climb into the
dumpster or lean into it if you can pull stuff to-
ward you or push it apart for visual exami-
nation.

Feel free to use whatever works best for you.
When I dumpster dive using a vehicle, I prefer a
broom handle with a nail "hook" at the end,
painted "garbage bag black" or wrapped with
electrical tape. Don't put a great deal of effort or
ornamentation into this thing, because if a po-
liceman or store manager challenges you the first
thing you'll do is leave that stick in the dumpster.
You don't want to look like a "professional."
More on this later.

When I don't have a vehicle, the last thing I
want to use is a big, heavy stick. Distinctive.
Dangerous looking. Some guy hanging around
the dumpsters in the dark with a big stick. But
you can get away with it using a vehicle.

As I mentioned earlier, I use an antenna from
a portable C.B. radio. It extends six feet but col-
lapses down to the length of a roll of Lifesavers.
I've modified the end with a small metal hook. I
can pull it out of my pocket, extend it and

What the Well-Dressed Diver is Wearing 41

collapse it in the dumpster. Nobody sees it.
Perfect. A small antenna will give you plenty of
extra "reach” until you find a big antenna. (And
these are easy to find.)

Remember, if somebody challenges you,
quietly drop that "dive stick." Don't drop it with
a suspicious "thunk." Knowing you may need
to do this, keep a few in reserve.

My maternal grandmother, who took up
dumpster diving late in life, used her cane in
this manner. But she could walk around with a
cane because she was a little old lady.

Loot Bag

I use a gray Adidas bag. The "Adidas" is al-
most worn off the bag. A bag of some type is
valuable for carrying off your finds if you are on
foot. Sure, you can use the boxes in the
dumpster. But if you find something good in a
rain soaked cardboard box, what can you use?
Besides, walking away from a dumpster with a
gray book bag is less suspicious than walking
away from a dumpster with a handful of maga-
zines, a metal Christmas tree stand, etc. Police
can't search the bag without your consent.
(Theoretically. They aren't called "pigs" because
they like to eat a lot.) Gym bags work well for
this. Small duffel bags are good. Avoid distinc-
tive, readable logos.

Bag Blades

A person can make a lot of great finds with-
out ripping or cutting open trash bags. But if
you want those extra good, hidden items, you
gotta slice open some trash bags. We’ll look at the
best way to accomplish this later, but right now
let's consider the equipment.

Think straight razor. You want something that
can slice one millimeter of plastic. You don't
need to gut a deer. Get something really sharp,
not thick but not flexible.

I prefer to use a small pocketknife with an
extremely sharp blade. A razor works better, but
I don't relish explaining to a cop why, exactly.
I'm carrying a straight razor in a dark alley.
Know local laws. Over a certain length a knife is a

"concealed weapon." Remember, this is another
item you must be prepared to abandon, so go
the cheap route.

Weapons

In two decades of dumpster diving I have
never been attacked by a stray dog, a wino, a
junkie, or anyone other than my dear baby
brother... but I still carry a chemical repellent.
That's for stray dogs. I'll try my "bag blade,"
flashlight and boots on any human attackers.
When I use a vehicle I carry a firearm, carefully
concealed. But that has nothing to do with
dumpster diving, just my general perception of
local conditions.

In my opinion, a dumpster diver needs less
protection than a vacuum cleaner salesman. Af-
ter all, who thinks a dumpster diver is worth
robbing? And most of the psychopaths who at-
tack vagrants only pick the drunk, helpless ones.
My greatest worry is that I'll be arrested for
violating some bullshit local ordinance and the
arresting officer will find my weapon.

Self-defense is a personal issue. Do what feels
right for you. But if you carry a weapon while
dumpster diving you should carry one all the
time. Don't pack a pistol because you're in-
volved in this "dangerous" dumpster diving.
Rummaging in dumpsters is no big deal.

Vehicles

A vehicle is an extremely valuable asset for
reaching primo dumpsters and hauling off large
items and/or large amounts. But don't overuse
your vehicle. If you are just checking out your
block, and you're in good health, walk. Vehicles
have license plates and mark you as a "pro-
fessional." Besides, walking is good for you.

A bike with a large basket is very valuable,
extending your range and saving effort.

"Hardcore" dumpster diving certainly re-
quires a vehicle. Trucks work best, but cars will
do fine if that's all that's available. A small truck
with a detachable "topper" is the perfect vehicle.
A van or an "El Camino" works well, too.

42 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Keep a few empty boxes in the back of your
truck. Not only are boxes handy while making
the haul, but they provide an alibi. The number
one dumpster diving excuse is, "We are just
looking for boxes." The boxes can also conceal
your loot. A few plastic bags are handy, too.

Back to the vehicle itself. Avoid distinctive
stuff on your vehicle like political bumper stick-
ers, Virgin Mother statues, yellow ribbons on the
radio antenna, etc. "Dive sticks" should be kept
out of sight behind the seat oi' in a closed truck
bed compartment.

Don’t bother trying to "shine your headlights"
into the diving area. All. you will see are long,
angular shadows and the blinding headlights.
You'll also light yourself up like a casino,
attracting attention from cops and passersby.

Bungee cords, ropes, tarps, canvas, etc. are
valuable for securing big loads, like furniture
during campus moving day. Keep a piece of
RED CLOTH handy if you haul off long planks
which extend past the end of your truckbed.
Rope is good for securing an overstuffed car
trunk, also.

Keep your vehicle in good repair so you don't
get stranded behind a store with a load of dis-
carded produce. Drive safely. Don't block your
rear view with a load of stuff. You may drive
just fine, but if a cop pulls you over he may fig-
ure out your game and decide to be an asshole.
The line between a policeman enforcing useless,
overly-intrusive laws and an asshole is a fine
line, indeed. BEWARE OF PAPER FLYING OUT
OF YOUR VEHICLE. Secure that stuff, or you're
asking for trouble.

Little Extras

Lots of things are not necessities, but make
dumpster diving more fun and pleasant. A
Thermos with hot drinks, for example, is really
great in the winter. I like to wear a Walkman
while strolling from one dumpster to the next. I
don’t wear it while rummaging, however. If
somebody is walking up while my head is in the
bin, I want to hear them approaching.

A First Aid Kit is a smart item to carry in your
vehicle. I found a nice first aid kit in a dumpster,
cleaned it up and restocked it with sterile gauze
from my hospital. Some months ago I treated a
badly injured motorist. He probably didn't care
where I acquired those smelling salts and road
flares. Suntan lotion should be worn to avoid
sunburn.

Don't pack for a safari, but feel free to have
fun. If you’re a real novice at this sort of thing,
just bring the basics at first. Once you get a feel
for dumpster diving, branch out a little and
bring more extras.

A notebook to record your finds after you get
home is invaluable. A personal computer could
be valuable, too. Take a picture of yourself and
send me a copy — don’t let some old lady see
you doing it!

Diving Techniques Illustrated 43

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Chapter 6

Diving Techniques Illustrated

Over the course of two decades of dumpster
diving, I have never been arrested or hurt seri-
ously. However, I’ve been hassled by police,
sustained several small injuries, and grabbed a
few things that I wished to God I had not. I’ve
missed some great opportunities, by being ill
prepared.

Fortunately, I've learned from my mistakes
and carefully examined the mistakes of others.
There's no reason you should have to endure
these unpleasantries if you will permit me to
show you the way.

Dumpster diving isn't hard and it isn't dan-
gerous... most of the time. I wouldn't want you
to think you’re going to be dealing with "broken
glass booby traps" or "aerosol land mines" fre-
quently. So don't act like you’re working for a
bomb squad. Just relax. Have fun. But keep
safety in mind.

Here are some "hard won" tips on keeping
safe, having fun, and maximizing your "haul"
without wasting time.

LOOK, LISTEN, SMELL, FEEL. Use common
sense and your other senses.

VISUALLY INSPECT the dumpster. Quickly
get an idea what's in there and how you're going
to approach things. (Or NOT approach. Most
dumpsters are "dry wells." If you want a good
haul, you have to hit a lot of dumpsters.) If it is
night, shine your light around, being careful to
keep it below the rim of the dumpster. This will
reduce your visibility to passersby, including
cops, dramatically.

Look for broken glass, gooey messes, heavy
articles that could slip around and crush your
feet, critters, anything you'd like to avoid. Look
for indications of "good stuff," such as boxes
sealed with tape, intact food containers such as
cans and boxes, and other indicators we’ll dis-
cuss later.

LISTEN. Listen for skittering noises, but
don't let the gentle rustle of plastic or your own
imagination make you believe you just stumbled
on the secret lair of King Rat. In tens of thou-
sands of dives I have seen one rat. That's right,
just one. Now, I dive some pretty nice neighbor-
hoods where good sanitation is practiced. There
are more rats in filthy, neglected areas. But the
common assumption that dumpsters are full of
rats just ain 't so.

44 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

RIGHT

Always keep your flashlight below the dumpster rim.

We don 't want to disturb the neighbors.

Yes, there are flies, but only in refuse contain-
ers where food is discarded frequently, or where
food refuse remains for a long time. In other
words, food refuse may be discarded in a resi-
dential dumpster but if trash pickup is frequent
the flies won't accumulate. Bees and hornets
love fruit refuse and sweet, sticky stuff. Exercise
care if you hear the little darlings. Cockroaches?
Practically non-existent. They like it under the
sink of a clean kitchen better. The idea that a
dumpster is full of roaches, maggots, rats and
mice does not hold up upon closer examination.

Behold! The modem dumpster is designed for
the purpose of keeping vermin out. With its lids,
vertical steel sides and smooth, featureless sur-
face it does an excellent job. The dumpster
where I saw the rat had been damaged by a ve-
hicle, allowing the rodent access. Ironically, it
was a bookstore dumpster filled with paper. The
only food in the dumpster was a half-eaten
burrito from some employee's lunch. The poor.

starving rodent ran past my hand, terrified, and
leaped off the rim of the dumpster. I had a bit of
a complex for about a month, but survived the
experience and learned something about dam-
aged dumpsters.

You could encounter rodents in the food re-
fuse littering the area around dumpsters, but rats
and mice are a pretty meek lot. Don't worry
about them. Besides, business and property
owners frequently use poisons to keep their
dumpster area rodent free. Like paranoid idiots,
they pour the majority of the poison into the
dumpster and sprinkle a little bit on the ground.
What a waste of perfectly good poison. No
wonder it takes more to kill the little darlings
every year.

Be aware of this if you see powder dumped
liberally over the contents of your favorite trash
bin. I'll discuss my encounters with the stuff
later.

Now, CATS are a different matter. I’ve had
plenty of cats come flying out of dumpsters, eyes
aglow, screeching, looking for all the world like
King Rat. I've never been bitten or attacked,
however. I happen to like cats, so I just laugh the
whole thing off and enjoy the "cheap thrill."

A few times I have found sleeping vagrants. I
would hate to see anyone crushed in a garbage
truck, something that happens from time to
time, so I take the initiative of calling the police.
My little brother. Slash, likes to rap them on the
head, flash one of his pseudo-official IDs, and
tell them he just implanted a microphone in
their skull. I don't recommend this kind of be-
havior.

Anyway, LISTEN, but don't let your imagi-
nation play games with you. Rats and mice in
dumpsters are a rare event.

SMELL has never helped me to locate any-
thing good, though it has helped me to avoid a
lot of dirty diapers and bags of discarded kitty
litter. (It has a powerful ammonia smell when
disturbed — I don't know how cats use the

Diving Techniques Illustrated 45

stuff.) People like to say smells are "good/' or
"bad," but really these are just smells.

My little brother has tried to use smell in an
interesting way. When he was ten years old he
found a live puppy in a residential dumpster.
Apparently, somebody thought this method of
puppy abandonment was more innovative and
humane than dumping the dog by the side of
the road. Anyway, Slash adopted the dog and
tried to teach him to locate food in dumpsters.
He figured the dog would be predisposed to this
sort of thing, since it had early experience with
dumpsters.

It never worked, however, despite Jed's fre-
quent claims of success. The problem is that a
dumpster is full of interesting smells. Dogs don't
find these smells offensive, but fascinating. Put
them in a dumpster and they go nuts. They can't
differentiate; given a choice between an old, ran-
cid piece of bologna and half a dozen cartons of
milk, they take the bologna every time. If a dog
could be taught to seek one thing, like cheese, it
might work. But what would be the point? It's
not like trying to locate cocaine in luggage. You
are free to tear everything in a dumpster apart
and look inside. Besides, the dog could get cut
by glass. Based upon experience, I would say
DON’T BRING YOUR DOG. It would be sheer
animal abuse to keep a dog locked in the truck
while he watches YOU rummage in dumpsters.

Use your sense of TOUCH with your other
senses. Poke a trash bag with your hands and
you will be able to determine rapidly if it is full
of paper, food refuse, clothing or miscellaneous
items. And, by the way, this becomes easier with
practice. Just as you develop "diver's eyes,"
you’ll develop "dumpster fingers." No, this isn't
a fungus. Dumpster fingers means you can poke
a trash bag, determine it is filled with pizza
boxes, and know immediately what brand.

But be careful that you don't jump to conclu-
sions all the time. TOUCH is a good way to
avoid opening bags that are full of slop, but it's
no substitute for slicing the bag open and hav-
ing a look.

Remember, these aren't things that require a
great deal of time or thought. Open the lid and
start poking around, using all your senses at
once. Every dumpster is delightfully different
and full of surprises.

#1 Problem — Glass!

One piece of advice will keep you safe ninety
percent of the time: WATCH OUT FOR GLASS!

Assume every dumpster contains razor sharp
pieces of glass. Even if it seems the whole
dumpster is full of violated, coverless paper-
backs and bubble wrap, all it takes is one
"Tropicana" drink bottle to slice you. Don’t for-
get, people use commercial dumpsters to dis-
card trash from their vehicles, and every place
has employees eating lunch. Even a paper re-
cycling bin will often contain broken bottles.
People throwing stuff away do funny things.
They might throw a broken mirror in a box and
toss a nice pile of clothes on top. Don't be para-
noid, just be careful.

The area around a dumpster is often littered
with small shards of glass. Don't sit next to a
dumpster while rummaging through a box —
squat! Don't place your bare hand on the ground
to push yourself up. Be careful of glass, and
most of the other stuff will take care of itself.

The Dumpster — A Wonder to Behold

The modem dumpster keeps garbage in,
vermin out. It has incredible capacity, which just
encourages people to fill it with stuff.

Dealing with dumpsters isn't dangerous if
you simply use common sense. Here are a few
things to approach with care.

LOOK OUT for those heavy metal lids sus-
pended in the "up" position. NEVER drape
yourself over the edge of a dumpster with the
heavy lid hovering over you. I've seen the wind
buffet those things and send them crashing
down suddenly. Informal experiments with
plastic pipe have lead me to conclude you could

46 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

break your hand or even your neck in this man-
ner. Use a dive stick, keeping one hand on the
lid so you know exactly where it is. If you must
get inside the dumpster, let the lid down or stay
below the rim of the dumpster, keeping your
hand on the lid so you know where it is. Having
a partner is handy in these situations.

"Two-holers" are frequently secured, but
access is allowed via the small doors.

LOOK OUT when lifting lids so that you
don't get your hand pinched. Remember, those
lids are abused by sanitation workers and are
frequently off center. In other words, if you lift one
lid the other lid would be off center and it will
rise, too. However, when you least expect it the
other lid will crash down very noisily — unless
your hand is under it. If you lift one lid and the
other rises, put down the first lid and start with
the other. Usually it will rise by itself.

BE QUIET with lids. You don’t want a noise
complaint. Toss a lid haphazardly and it can be
heard for blocks. However, don't be paranoid.
People make noise all the time. Citizens aren't
constantly poised over their phones, ready to
call the cops. So go ahead and toss those boxes
around or talk quietly to your partner. Nobody is
going to give a damn. If you do bang a lid noisily.

don't take off like a scared rabbit. It's no big deal
— most of the time.

Beware of dumpsters sitting off-center on platforms —
they can smash your feet!

Watch out for heavy lids suspended in the upright
position — they can break your neck!

Diving Techniques Illustrated 47

WATCH OUT for dumpsters that sit on raised
platforms. The dumpster can tip off the edge of
the platform while you lean into it. Make sure it
is steady. Watch out for dumpsters missing
wheels, too. You can crush your foot leaning
into a "three-legged" dumpster.

Watch out for sharp metal edges. Oh, and
watch out for rainwater collected on dumpster
lids. It's not dangerous, just cold and wet. Water
can collect inside some of these hollow plastic
lids once they are punctured, which happens
frequently. Again, don't be paranoid — just be
careful.

The classic dumpster pose. Position dumpster below
navel, not in your gut. Lean into that sucker!

Exploring Dumpster Depths

Don't get inside a dumpster unless you can't
avoid it. First, it draws a lot of attention to you.
If somebody walks to the dumpster to deposit
something you can't just walk away and do the
"ninja" thing. As much as possible, lean into the
dumpster or use a dive stick. Secondly, getting
inside a dumpster means a higher level of risk.
You may find yourself in the same metal box
with a terrified cat. Or, far more likely, you
could step on some glass.

There's a certain trick to leaning inside a
dumpster. I call it the "see-saw."

Most beginners are afraid they'll fall inside,
so they lean in a very conservative manner. They
position the rim just below their ribs or right in
their diaphragm. This is extremely uncomfort-
able and makes breathing difficult.

The "trick" to comfortable diving is to really
lean into that sucker. Position the edge of the
dumpster below your navel, so you are free to
breathe. Then simply use your legs to balance. If
you want to lean forward, raise your legs. If you
want to get out again, drop your legs and arch
your back. If you find something heavy in that
dumpster you may not be able to ease it over the
edge. Instead, you'll have to hang on to the ob-
ject and "ooze" back out. You'll have to do the
same for fragile objects, like boxes of glassware.
But this method allows you to toss out dozens of
light, non-fragile items without the need to re-
position yourself. But you do need to practice a
bit, or you'll fall into a dark, uncharted dump-
ster head first. Keep your balance — DON'T
DRINK AND DIVE.

You can "tunnel" your way through empty
boxes in this manner, looking for buried good-
ies. Finding stuff at the bottom with only your
flashlight to illuminate things, hanging in space
while listening for somebody to approach is a
rush. Remember when you do the "see-saw,"
that stuff in the dumpster can be used to main-
tain your balance or leverage your way out.

You might note that this position looks rather
like a person diving into water. I certainly didn't
invent the phrase "dumpster diving," though I’m
doing my bit to popularize it. The phrase prob-
ably came about because of this useful position,
the "classic pose" of a professional dumpster
diver. Don't do it unless you are reasonably
agile. Don't do it if you bruise or break bones
easily.

By the way, the edge of a dumpster can be
very uncomfortable, as well as dirty. Feel free to
grab a piece of cardboard to use as a "cushion."

48 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

This is especially useful on the dumpsters with
thin rims, thin being less than an inch.

That's not for lifting the dumpster — it's a foothold.

Note also that dumpsters have convenient
"footholds" which allow you elevated access.
This is even more tricky than the "diving swan"
position. One stiff breeze and you can topple
over into an uncharted dumpster. I prefer to put
my knee on those footholds rather than stand on
them, particularly since the foothold can be wet
or coated with grease. Kids, with their small feet
and shorter height, can often stand on those
little ledges. But the proper place for a child is
outside a dumpster, picking up articles and
keeping a look out. We’ll discuss kids more at a
later point.

Of course, there are plenty of times you need
to climb in the old bin. This may be necessary
with extra large dumpsters, or to secure articles
which are not boxed or bagged. For example, if
you see a box of cracked coconuts but the box
has decomposed in heavy rain, you may need to
get inside and find a nice waxed paper box or a
peach crate. You could probably do this in the
"swan" position, but that's a lot of blood rushing
to your head. More importantly, it would take

longer and increase your odds of being really
noticeable — more than a brief climb in the bin.

It's no big deal. Carefully climb in. Despite the
title of this book, never dive, leap, jump or
bound into a dumpster. Always assume there is
broken glass. Grab ahold of the sides of the
dumpster and carefully lower yourself.

Don't step where you can't see. If it is night,
carefully examine the area where you are going
to stand. Don't try to lower yourself and hold
the flashlight at the same time — it won't work.

Use a piece of cardboard when leaning over a thin
or dirty dumpster edge.

Step on a piece of cardboard, a board, or what-
ever relatively flat surface you spot. If you are
going to stand on the bare bottom of the
dumpster, toss a piece of cardboard or some-
thing on it. Even standing on a sour-smelling
milk carton or a sauce-splattered pizza box is
better than standing on the bare floor of a
dumpster. Like the floors of movie theaters, the
bottoms of dumpsters are coated with a myste-
rious sticky substance. The stuff is not danger-
ous, merely unpleasant and hard to scrape off
your shoes — like fruit scented tar mixed with
sour milk. I’ve seen exactly the same stuff on the

Diving Techniques Illustrated 49

floor of neglected walk-in freezers, so I conclude
it's composed mostly of fruit juice, soda pop,
grease and other sticky stuff. Fortunately,
dumpsters are seldom empty for long and you
will rarely confront the sticky bottom of a trash
bin.

So step on something reasonably flat. LISTEN
as you step, so you can determine if there is bro-
ken glass under your feet. Even if there is broken
glass beneath your feet, you probably won't
have a problem if you step slowly and carefully.
If you seek a better place to stand, grab the sides
of the dumpster again so you can ease yourself.
Don't commit all your weight at once. Whatever
you do, don't try to stomp down a protruding
surface. It could be the broken neck of a gallon
cider jug, a discarded hoe, anything.

Don 't walk around atop a pile of refuse in a big dumpster.
Peer inside and use a dive stick.

Once you find a good place to stand, stay
there and move things around with your hands.
Don’t prance around inside a dumpster. And
beware of freshly fallen snow. Most people
won't step directly on a broken bottle, but plenty
of dumpster divers will step on stuff they can't
see if a fresh coat of snow covers it. Snow won't

protect you from shards of glass. Use your dive
stick or whatever you can grab to clear snow off
the area where you intend to stand. Don't be
paranoid, but be careful.

THREE THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR,
based on my own hard lessons and those of fel-
low divers.

WATCH OUT if you feel a funny "pressure"
or springiness or sense of tension in your foot.
You could be standing on the thin slats of a
wooden crate, a dresser with a cheap fiberboard
back, a couple panes of plate glass suspended on
crates, all kinds of stuff that can give away sud-
denly and cut you, to boot. You could also be
standing on something sharp and protruding,
ready to stab through the surface you're stand-
ing on. When standing in a dumpster, never lose
track of what your feet are telling you.

I've never been seriously hurt in this manner,
though I've received nicks and scratches.
Usually I receive the scratches trying to step
back out again and getting caught up on jagged
edges. So if you feel your foot crash down sud-
denly, don't yank your foot out reflexively. Raise
the foot carefully, so you don't cut yourself on
the edges of whatever you just smashed
through. For god's sake, don't walk around on
ten foot mounds of garbage in those tall, super-
dooper dumpsters. That mountain of bags can
give way and hurl you into a pile of broken
glass. Use a dive stick, and enter a tall, over-
stuffed dumpster only after carefully assessing
the situation and exhausting other options.

SECONDLY, BUT WORST OF ALL, are those
damned aerosol cans. I've never been injured by
one, but on a few occasions those things have
scared the hell out of me. If you are standing on
top of one it usually won't go off — though I
certainly don't recommend testing your luck. By
walking around, however, you can jam some
object like a board with a protruding nail into
one, setting off the pressurized container with a
bang or a scary pssst! or a variety of other
noises. Once a can of FDS spray went off under
my feet with a loud FUDST! It was, I thought.

50 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

kind of like Garp's father in The World According
to Garp, saying GARP! right at the end of his life.

In any case, most stuff in a dumpster isn't ex-
plosive, and even pressurized cans are more of
an annoyance than a danger. I wouldn't want
pieces of metal in my eyes, however, so avoid
stepping on these things or crushing them acci-
dentally.

LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, watch out for heavy
articles. You can shift something in a dumpster
and send a discarded stereo speaker toppling off
a mountain of plastic bags right on your foot.
Watch out for heavy stuff suspended in a man-
ner which tempts gravity. This is the kind of
thing that happens more frequently when two
divers are working a dumpster. Be careful your
partner doesn't shift something unexpectedly, or
that you don't topple something on your com-
rade. In most cases it is more efficient to have
one person inside the dumpster and the other
person loading salvaged articles into the vehicle.
Have the more experienced person in the
dumpster, unless that person is physically frail
or disabled. In that case, have the stronger per-
son in the dumpster and let the more experi-
enced person give verbal guidance. My brother,
sister and I were frequently guided in this man-
ner by my disabled father, and it worked well.
But don't toss a kid in the dumpster just because
you are lazy. They won't be able to quickly
calculate what’s valuable. More on kids later.

In my experience, the majority of accidents
happen when people are excited over a
"bonanza." They find a month's supply of
canned veggies, get careless, throw things
around, step without looking, etc. That's when
people get loud and call attention to themselves,
also. When you find something great and you
just can't believe it, indulge yourself with a quiet
"YIKES!" or something. But DON'T yell, DON'T
get careless.

Loosen Up — Have Fun

There's nothing worse than some survivalist
wannabe who treats his fellow divers (especially
kids) like he's a squad leader wading around

Nam instead of a balding guy rummaging for
"mystery cans" behind SuperSaver. Feel free to
make jokes, play games, and so forth. Some of
the best times I've had while dumpster diving
were with my little brother, "Slash." He pretends
to be everything from an old lady to a ninja, a
pirate, a paranoid guy with delusions of "secret
service" grandeur, even a naive exchange stu-
dent from New Zealand.

Yes, kids do need supervision and guidance or
they'll get hurt. But twelve-year-olds and teen-
agers show a great deal of common sense if you
let them. After the age of twelve I showed my
parents a trick or two in the ol' bins. Besides
that, teenagers frequently have more energy and
more time on their hands than adults. After the
age of sixteen I was doing "the route" without
my parents, accompanied by Jed, who was thir-
teen. My mother and father helped us "process"
and sell the dumpster goodies. They would
praise me, Jed and Bekka extravagantly. We
were only kids and yet we were truly "providing
for the family." And we weren't doing it by
working some slave wage job, either. We were
doing it on our own terms, at times we found
convenient, and we were having fun.

Methods

Looking through a dumpster for useful
articles isn’t tough, but there are ways to maxi-
mize your take and minimize your time and ef-
fort.

First, go right for the good stuff. If you look
inside a big trash bin and one comer appears
promising, start at that comer. Don't save it for
later — you may have to leave suddenly. The
faster you remove the "good stuff from a
dumpster, the more room you’ll have to move
around. Also, removing one piece of loot will
frequently uncover a pocket of good stuff. It's
kind of like mining. You don’t methodically tear
the whole mountain apart. Rather, you seek a
"vein" and dig until the vein is played out.

Certain things are indicators of goodies. For
example, boxes sealed with tape are almost al-
ways filled with good stuff. If it isn't good stuff.

Diving Techniques Illustrated 51

it is seldom garbage. You're more likely to find
somebody's obscure documents than, say,
empty bean cans. ALWAYS grab sealed boxes
behind bookstores. These boxes contain books
and magazines with their front covers ripped
off. Toss those sealed boxes on the back of the
vehicle and keep diving. In fact, when you find
ANY box that seems to be crammed with good-
ies, or even really promising, just grab it. You
can check the boxes later, away from the dump-
ster.

Produce boxes are always good to check in
supermarket dumpsters. In fact, check any
sturdy-looking box. Employees will always grab
a midsized, relatively tough box when throwing
out, say, a whole freezer full of "expired" t.v.
dinners. I have also noted bakeries where plas-
tic-lined fifty pound flour sacks were used to
discard "two day old" bakery items, still conven-
iently packed in plastic wrapping and styrofoam
trays. The problem isn't finding them — it's us-
ing them up.

Check the stuff on the low side first,
then work your way down the high side.

Always check inside unusual containers like
discarded suitcases, duffel bags, purses, garment
bags, trunks, dressers and so forth. These items

are frequently full of good quality discards, even
if the container is in bad shape.

Rip or slice the lining out of purses and suit-
cases which are too beat up for use. Sometimes
you will find small, valuable items lost by the
original owner. I've found several Mercury
dimes in this manner. Check stuff left beside the
dumpster, first. These boxes and bags frequently
contain high quality items that people feel guilty
about discarding. They want you to pick it up.
Don't say to yourself, "They can't be throwing
this away." They are.

So check those "hot spots" first. After that,
check the dumpster methodically. If the stuff in
the dumpster is piled mostly to one side, check
the low side first. When you are done with the
low side, you can move articles from the high
side to the lower area, maximizing your search.
Carefully check under both lids. Check both
sides. An area may look unpromising, but
viewed from a different angle hidden goodies
can be spotted.

You may have to temporarily remove light,
bulky articles while you search. For example, a
Christmas tree or an empty television box can
really get in your way. Pull the item out and
check the dumpster, then toss the item back. If I
know I'm going to check the dumpster the next
day, too. I’ll sometimes tear a bulky box apart
and toss it back inside. This creates a nice layer
which will be easier to check the next day.

Learning how much time and effort to spend
on individual dumpsters comes with practice.
Generally, I will carefully check my "hottest,"
most dependable dumpsters and merely poke
around in others. I always take more time and
care with grocery and bookstore dumpsters, be-
cause finding even a few good articles justifies
my efforts. In residential areas I poke around,
slice a few bags that look promising, then move
on. I won't spend a great deal of time and effort
on these dumpsters because they don't pay off
as frequently as bakeries, bookstores, grocery
stores, etc. All the same, you won't find very
much unless you make the effort to toss a few
boxes around, slice some bags, etc. A dumpster

52 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

which looks dreary and unpromising can quick-
ly become "hot" if you shift one or two boxes.
And vice versa.

When I'm checking out a residential area that
I'm considering incorporating into my route. I'll
merely skim at first. It gives the people in that
area a little time to become immune to my
presence. After that I rummage intensely. But
when I'm checking out a new commercial
dumpster I really check it out good, so I can
quickly develop an idea how "hot" it is. If a week
goes by and it’s never hot. I'll just skim it after
that. Remember, these "heat patterns" change
constantly. A shake-up in management can lead
to new waste patterns.

During moving day in campus areas I will
check out strange dumpster territory with
methodical care. Why? Because it pays off. I al-
ways make an effort to focus on the biggest,
most dependable pay offs. If I can’t check all my
dumpsters I'll check my best ones. Every dump-
ster is different and you learn with experience.

Bag Blades

Using a bag blade will help you increase your
take. The trick is to figure out which bags are
promising before you waste effort slicing the
bags open.

I love white trash bags because you can see
through them slightly. Press the surface of the
bag closer to the contents and you’ll be able to
see more. If a bag has interesting angles, if it's
really heavy, if it rattles or plays a few bars of
"We're In the Money," slice that sucker. Watch
out if it sounds "squishy."

When you slice a bag, hold it up and cut the
bottom off with a couple circular swipes. An ex-
pert can "spin" the bag with one hand, holding
the blade steady, and take the bottom off in one
quick motion. All the contents will fall out the
bottom for examination. WATCH OUT for your
feet. WATCH OUT for clouds of choking dust
from, say, discarded vacuum cleaner bags. Keep
the bag close to the surface of the other trash, to

minimize damage to fragile items as the con-
tents fall out.

IF a bag is caught on something or wedged
tightly, IF you can't lift it, IF you're 90% sure it's
full of good stuff but you want to check, then cut
off the top of the bag like a coconut cup. Other-
wise, slicing off the bottom works best and will
save you effort.

Even if you don’t have a bag blade, you can
easily pull a plastic trash bag apart with your
hands. Poking a hole in it first works well. Trash
bags are NOT tough, or even "hefty," despite the
commercials.

But, for God's sake, be careful with that bag
blade. Don’t cut yourself or your partner.

Dumpster Etiquette

This ain't Emily Post here. The point is to stay
out of trouble. And ninety percent of "dumpster
etiquette" can be summarized as follows: DON'T
MAKE A BIG MESS!

If a lid is closed when you arrive, leave it
closed when you leave. If it's open, leave it open,
unless stuff is blowing out. Avoid slicing bags
outside dumpsters. If you must, cut off the top,
not the bottom. Toss every scrap you don’t sal-
vage back in the dumpster. However, if a few
scraps get away from you, don't fret. Just be rea-
sonably careful. Throw a few unopened bags,
large boxes, or other articles on the loose refuse
to prevent it from blowing out or rousing un-
necessary suspicion. If you remove a large
article from the dumpster to obtain more room
to rummage, put it back, of course. These actions
will keep residents and employees from becom-
ing enraged. Don't make a mess and they usu-
ally won't harass you or call the police. Throw
crap all over and they certainly will. Often I
leave a dumpster area cleaner than I found it.

Another major thing to remember is AVOID
PEOPLE AND THEY WILL CAREFULLY
AVOID YOU. If you are rummaging and from
the comer of your eye you spot somebody com-
ing to "make a deposit," grab your things and

Diving Techniques Illustrated 53

leave. Don't run like a criminal, just proceed to
leave like you're finished, even if you just lifted
the lid. If you remain, some sort of verbal con-
tact is hard to avoid. Most people can live with
the idea somebody is picking through their gar-
bage, but they don't want to deposit the refuse
into your eager hands. After all, if I notice a copy
of Hot Babes Over Fifty in a dumpster, it's no big
deal. But if somebody is discarding their in-
tensely personal trash and I'm right there, ready
to dig through it, it becomes embarrassing to the
person doing the discarding. Embarrassment
turns to anger pretty quickly, and next thing you
know they're telling some cop bullshit about the
sanctity of their refuse. Like they needed it. Like
people at the landfill don't see the stuff. Idiots.
Anyway, simply leave and return later. This will
prevent a lot of hassle.

The best way to slice open a garbage bag is to lift
from the top, cut from the bottom.

If somebody comes upon you unexpectedly,
make every effort to ignore them and avoid
contact. Ignore them even if they speak to you.
Act deaf. Bend over and act intensely interested
in some box or bag. Don't say anything witty to
diffuse the tension, just ignore them completely.

They will probably ignore you and then try
earnestly to forget that you exist.

Slash makes a point of mumbling things about
"CIA plot to monitor my ejaculations," but then
Slash relishes confrontation with authority. He
once spent 45 days in jail for refusing to stand
for the judge in traffic court. Anyway, avoid
contact and save yourself a lot of hassles — un-
less you’re into that sort of thing.

To a certain extent, the same rules apply to
commercial dumpsters. However, stock boys
discarding crates of bruised peaches don't really
give a damn about dumpster divers. They're not
throwing away something personal. But avoid
contact, anyway. If the stock boys discard stuff
right in your face and completely ignore you,
just ignore them and keep rummaging. After a
while, a few of them might say, "Hey, buddy,
here’s some good bread." Thank them, smile
broadly, but don't converse with them. They
may figure out you're not poor, dumb and des-
perate. You may get them in trouble with their
boss, also, who is usually an asshole. BEWARE
of a possible attempt to poison you, but don't be
paranoid. There's a lot of sick people out there,
and somebody who appears to be a transient
makes a tempting target. That's why I prefer the
look which says, "I have a home, somewhere —
but maybe not a job."

Bleeding hearts may sometimes make an ef-
fort to speak with you, offering some sort of
help. Play this by ear. Slash once obtained $20 in
this manner to "buy medicine for my little
brother." The young lady who gave him the
money was wearing a cotton serape and a button
which said, "I don't eat my friends." Slash ran
out and bought bullets for his squirrel rifle. I
think this sort of thing is dangerous in the long
run. If they offer help, take it, but don't make up
elaborate stories unless you have an independ-
ently confirmed knack for it. DON'T give them
information about yourself. They may not be as
sympathetic as they appear. WHATEVER YOU
DO, don't speak to the news media. This just
stirs up anti-dumpster diving programs. The
people who are sympathetic to "vagrants" don't,
as a rule, have very good garbage.

54 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Certain dumpsters must be treated almost like
burning buildings. Bookstores would be the best
example. These people rip off the front covers of
magazines and paperbacks, sending these back
to their distributors for rebates. They become
very irate if you retrieve these books and sell or
barter them. Best dive these dumpsters at night
or like lightning during the day. If I have to dive
a dumpster like this during the day I send my
partner on foot to "scout" the dumpster, quickly
lifting the lid and peering inside. If sealed boxes
or scattered paperbacks are noted we dive the
dumpster in a rapid manner. I back the truck up
with my partner in the truckbed. My partner
lifts the lid, gets inside carefully, and rapidly,
calmly hurls the boxes on the truck. He climbs
out, closes the lid and sits down. I throw the
truck in gear and take off. The whole time. I’ve
been keeping a look out. Diving in this manner
we have obtained over a thousand paperbacks
in ninety seconds.

DON'T use these kind of extreme methods
merely to avoid embarrassment. This method
should be used only in a maximum profit, high
risk situation. For example, you KNOW the
dumpster is full of food but the asshole junior
manager has a habit of walking out and saying
"Get da hell outta der." Sometimes we obscure
our license plates with mud for good measure,
cleaning it when we're out of sight. DON’T drive
around with muddy plates while using a
vehicle, or you'll have problems.

Back to the bookstore dumpster. Once, Slash
noted a coupon for two free packs of cigarettes
in one issue of a "celebrities and events" maga-
zine. We had obtained approximately fifty cop-
ies of that magazine. Slash carefully tore out
each and every coupon, selling these to his
friends for a buck apiece. He used this cash
windfall to purchase a used pistol. (What can I
say — the guy loves weapons.)

First "Solo" Dive

My first "solo" dive was a bookstore dumpster.
It was a memorable experience.

When I was twelve, I started riding my "almost
new" ten speed to town where I would hang out
all day — mostly at the library. Dumpster diving
on my own wasn't something I did immediately.
After all, my parents had all the good spots cov-
ered and I certainly didn't lack anything. But it
was I who "discovered" bookstore dumpsters for
my family. Prior to that we obtained books in
residential areas, trading titles we didn't want
for other titles at used bookstores.

I knew "solo" dives were bound to cause con-
flicts with authority if I was caught doing it.
People won't confront an adult but a kid dump-
ster diving provokes more comment. Where are
his parents? Who is allowing this behavior?

The first solo dive was kind of a lucky acci-
dent. The dumpster was neatly identified with
the name of the bookstore. I love this kind of
convenient labeling. It must be for my benefit,
since the sanitation workers don't give a damn.
Anyway, I loved that bookstore. I read most of
the novels of Robert A. Heinlein there. I would
go in there and read all day. So that was why I
peeked in the dumpster. I knew the store well
and loved their merchandise.

The first thing I spotted was a Star Trek photo
novel. Oddly enough, it still had its covers. You
will periodically find books with covers, mostly
"classics" with a 50% OFF! sticker. Bookstores
seem to think it's better to discard these books
than sell below a certain price. Most of the
famous titles I've read in my lifetime were books
obtained in this manner.

Anyway, my mind fairly reeled with the
possibilities when I spotted that Star Trek book. I
liked Star Trek, but the Kietzer twins were nuts
about the old series. I could read this book, enjoy
it, then trade it to the twins for comics. I'm a
bibliophile, and right then I was looking at a
biblio pile.

Only one problem: this was daytime. My par-
ents knew I was a good kid, but I still had to be
home before dark. And this dumpster wasn't in
an alley, but a busy parking lot outside a mid-

Diving Techniques Illustrated 55

sized shopping mall. Visibility was a big prob-
lem.

I locked my bike up in front of the mall, then
walked around the back. When nobody ap-
peared to be looking I climbed in the dumpster
and closed the lid. I gathered up all the books
that caught my fancy, carefully and quietly,
putting them in a box. Then I peered outside,
barely lifting the lid.

Damn! The parking lot had grown busy while
I rummaged. This was going to be tricky.

I continued to watch, waiting for a moment
when I could pop out. Nowadays I’d just climb
out, and to hell with bystanders. But I was only
twelve, diving solo for the first time. My hands
were full of literary loot, and I was overly para-
noid. I waited and waited.

I heard staccato footsteps. Without moving
my head more than a few inches, I peered off to
the side.

It was a saleslady from the bookstore. This
was the lady who always made a point of say-
ing, "May I help you to find something?" She
would do this even when it was clear I was pro-
gressing in my copy of The Puppetmasters quite
well, thank you. Oh, excuse me, their copy.

"Sheeez!' I gasped, seeing she was walking
right toward my hiding place.

I sat down slowly, quietly. I picked up a box
with shaking hands and put it over my head
and shoulders, pulling my knees close to my
chest. My hands covered my chattering teeth.

I was really scared, expecting arrest and a
severe bawling out. My heart slammed in my
constricted throat, but I didn't move a muscle.

I heard the lid squeak open. The next instant,
something went "SLAM!" on top of my head
box.

"This is it!" I thought.

Something cascaded down my arms and
landed around my butt. Copies of Newsweek, as
it turned out. I heard a weird sound.

"Sluuuuuuurp!"

Something crashed on my feet. I felt a cold,
watery sensation on my ankles. The lid went
BOOM! over my head, and the dumpster went
black except for the shaft of light between the
lids.

I didn’t move. I stayed absolutely still as I
heard the saleslady's footsteps fade away. After
about a minute, I carefully lifted the box off my
head and figured out what had happened.

The saleslady hadn’t seen me. She had
casually dumped a whole box full of magazines
on my head, finished her cola and tossed it on
my feet, ice and all.

My mouth was so dry that my teeth were
sticking to my lips. I fished some cola flavored
ice out of the cup and sucked it gratefully. Then
I peered out of the dumpster, saw nobody
nearby, and tossed out my box of loot. I clam-
bered out, picked up my goodies, and walked
away casually. A hundred yards away, I saw the
saleslady discard more trash.

So here I was with a large box of books, nine
miles from home. Briefly I considered securing
the box to my bike and pedaling home. As I
thought about this, the wind blew wastepaper
and dust around my feet.

The wind had been at my back on the way to
town, but I dreaded pedaling against it with a
big box tied to the bike. That was when I started
thinking about stashing the goodies somewhere.
Being an active twelve-year-old, I already knew
the location of a variety of culverts, vacant lots,
abandoned buildings and so forth.

Again, I started thinking in paranoid terms.
These books were so precious to me that I im-
mediately considered an elaborate hiding place.
I knew the location of an abandoned building
nearby. Rather than riding my bike, I walked.

56 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

I was disappointed when I arrived at the
"abandoned" building. Workmen were fixing the
roof, joking around on their lunch hour. I
walked right past, careful not to look wistfully at
the building.

I had to use a cement culvert. A small amount
of stagnant water was in the culvert, so I found a
broken plastic milk crate to set the box up on. I
was careful that nobody saw me, remaining in
the culvert for several minutes until I could spot
no passing cars on the road above. Before
leaving, I grabbed several of my favorite books
and stuffed them in my jacket pockets. It was
hard to control myself once I started doing that,
and I briefly reconsidered bringing the box
home on my bike. A quick glance at the sun told
me I couldn't make it home before dark if I did
that. With a heavy sigh I took only half a dozen
science fiction novels, including the Star Trek
book I had first spotted. Then I walked to my
bike and began the journey home.

As it turned out, my parents were heading to
town anyway. We picked up the books in the
culvert that very night. I could barely contain
my excitement over my haul. My parents told
me the whole box was, in fact, my personal
property. I could sell, barter or give the stuff
away as I pleased.

Little Jed, nine-years-old, listened with wide
eyes. Bekka, age eleven, started to butter me up,
saying, "Wow! You really did good!" She wanted
a share of the books. Jed was slow to figure out
Bekka's game, but once he did he made up for
lost time. I was feeling generous, and told them
we could go through the books and pick things
out.

My dad pulled up to the bookstore dumpster
when I explained other stuff had been dis-
carded. Dad turned off the headlights as we en-
tered the deserted parking lot.

As it turned out, a lot of stuff had been dis-
carded since I had been sitting in that dumpster
with a box over my head. My dad told me qui-
etly that I was lucky nobody broke my neck. We
pulled half a dozen sealed boxes out of that

trash bin, some so heavy we could barely lift
them.

Dad split one box open.

"Holy mackerel!" he said, looking at dozens of
tightly packed paperbacks.

We pulled out all the boxes, then Jed and I
collapsed in the truckbed, exhausted. Dad
scooped up a coverless copy of Newsweek.

"I hope there's some romance novels!" Bekka
said, as we roared off.

There were. It was a huge bonanza, and there
were many, many such nights after that one. We
kept the books we wanted, traded a few to
neighbors, and bartered the rest to a flea market
dealer. My little box of books was dwarfed by
the big haul, but the whole night felt like it was
my personal victory. I had a feeling of mastery
that wasn’t matched until I poached a deer later
that fall. The bookstore discovery, and the many
beneficial barters that followed, made me feel
like a provider to my family, a male who could
stand in for my father if necessary. Without in-
flating my ego to dangerous levels, my parents
hinted as much. Of course. Dad about fell out of
his chair laughing when I told him about the
box over my head and the cup of cola hitting my
feet.

Using A Cache

Later, I explained to my father why I had cho-
sen the culvert rather than an old building. Dad
explained to me how the culvert was actually a
better choice. Poking around an old building in
the dead of night could attract unwanted atten-
tion. He said the plastic milk crate was a good
idea, and pointed out that elevating the box
would be a good idea even if the bottom of the
culvert was dry. If it rained and water ran
through the culvert, my loot would still be rea-
sonably dry — as long as it wasn't enough water
to sweep it away.

When you're on foot, a cache is a great way to
save effort. Rather than returning home with
your find right away, or dragging your find

Diving Techniques Illustrated 57

along with you, simply hide it while you con-
tinue your route. I still prefer culverts if the cul-
vert is large, relatively dry and available. I like
to keep plastic milk crates or an old shopping
cart in my favorite culvert rather than search for
something to elevate my goodies at the last
minute.

Remember, you don’t need anything elabo-
rate. You're only going to use the cache for a few
hours or, at most, half a day.

Hedges and small, brushy trees next to walls
and fences are good temporary hiding spots. Be
careful not to damage shrubbery or you'll piss
somebody off and cause yourself a problem.
Pick an obscure, neglected spot. AND BE CARE-
FUL. The act of stashing something in a hiding
place causes dramatically more attention and
comment than rummaging in a dumpster. Don’t
let ANYONE see you using a cache.

If you find food that animals might damage
(plastic packs of half frozen turkey wieners, for
example), stash the food in the lower branches
of a pine tree if available. Remember, dogs love
leather, too. Using the lower branches of a tree
will keep dogs away, but probably not a highly
motivated cat. Pigeons and other birds will find
uncovered bakery items and peck at them, but
most animals don 't find things right away. But if
you stash that stuff in front of a stray dog, he'll
be there, whether he can actually get into the
things or not. Somebody will happen along and
investigate what he's doing.

So be careful. As a precaution, use double
boxes if available. I've used packing tape, but I
don't recommend you rim out and buy the stuff.
Just use the stuff you find thrown out when
people are moving.

Vacant lots with high weeds or mounds of re-
fuse make good temporary caches. Just leave the
stuff away from walking paths and pick it up
later.

Once I left a box of bakery items on a lot of
this type. When I came back, something was in-
side the box, moving around.

"Damn!" I thought. "Some dog found it."

That was when I heard a soft, "Quack-
quack..."

1 realized immediately that it was a far rang-
ing duck from the local park. These were ducks
that lived mostly on bread from park visitors.
They could fly, but preferred to run or stay close
to the ground. I often contemplated catching a
few, but the park was always full of visitors, the
fines for this sort of thing are huge — it wasn't
worth the risk. Until right then.

I walked quietly to the box, blocking the
opening with my body. I reached inside,
grabbed, and quickly found the neck of the duck
in question. As I snapped its neck, something
flew in my face with a noisy flapping of wings.
There were, as it turned out, two ducks. I fig-
ured, better the bird in my hand.

It was a nice, plump mallard duck. And, luck-
ily, the birds had only ruined one loaf of bread, I
left the bread right there and used the plastic
bread bag to wrap the duck's body. That night,
we had roast duck with "dumpster bread"
stuffing. Come to think of it, the orange gar-
nishes came from the dumpster, too.

If I had lived near that vacant lot, I certainly
would have been grabbing ducks left and right.
As it was, I had a lucky accident. The ducks had
followed a trail of bread crumbs right to the box.
If I had tried to do it, probably it wouldn't have
worked.

Be careful about your habits, or some little kid
or intrepid vagrant will rip you off. On the other
hand, I've left stuff practically in plain sight and
found it untouched. It's amazing. Use common
sense, and with experience you'll learn the
quickest, most effective methods.

In a limited number of circumstances. I've
actually left the stuff in the dumpster and picked
it up later. You might do this if you notice a big
piece of furniture and you're on foot. Leave the
loot, get your vehicle or buddy, THEN lift the
thing out. You don't want it sitting outside the
dumpster for several hours, attracting the atten-

58 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

tion of sharp-eyed dorm dwellers, other dump-
ster divers and the guy who discarded the thing
in the first place.

If the item is small, however. I'd rather use a
cache twenty yards away and practically in
plain sight than leave the item in the dumpster.
If the dumpster is against a wall I'll put the item
behind the dumpster. I’m not worried about
competition, I just don’t want somebody to
dump trash on my new finds.

Cops

That about covers caches. Let's talk about
cops.

Cops piss me off. They come at you with an
attitude that you are guilty and they are going to
get you to admit it with a few verbal tricks. Just
once I’d like to meet a pig that comes at me with
an attitude like I have a shining aura of civil
rights around my body and possessions. Crimi-
nals with guns and badges, that's all they are.

But I digress. Prior to this I have pointed out
ways to avoid problems with the local swine
patrol. DON'T dress like a damned burglar.
DON’T carry a straight edged razor, samurai
sword, meat cleaver or any other exotic blade.
DON'T use matches or lighters around dump-
sters. DON'T make a mess. DON’T wear cloth-
ing such as "Kill All the Pigs" t-shirts, military
garb or pro-skateboarding stuff. DON'T let
people see you using a cache. DON'T confront
residents, employees, or otherwise act outra-
geous. And, of course, DON'T rummage right in
front of the cops.

If you are rummaging and a cop, mid-level
asshole manager, or other authority figure hap-
pens along, immediately drop your bag blade
and dive stick, DON'T just toss it in the middle
of the dumpster, unless you see a complex pile
of waste right in that spot. In a very full dump-
ster, you may have the opportunity to jam your
bag blade and/or dive stick into a pile of boxes.
Otherwise, hold it flush with the nearest wall of the
dumpster and drop it straight down. When Herr
Copmeister shines his light in the middle of das

dumpster in his straight ahead, snout-to-the-
front manner, he may miss the dropped item.
Also, bags flush against the wall of the dump-
ster can enfold and partially conceal the item.
(This is a good reason to paint your dive stick
black or wrap it in electrical tape.)

Believe me, it's hard to spot a specific item in a
messy dumpster unless you've been diving for a
while or you know exactly what you’re seeking.
Slash told me he has hidden his diving efforts
three times in this manner.

If, however, you're positive the police officer
saw your equipment, don't try to conceal it.
You'll piss that cop off, and he's probably dull
and short tempered. You're cutting into his
doughnut break. An attitude of mild chagrin
and smiling cooperation is better than being
even mildly confrontational. You can always
talk shit about the police later, or seek to
actually even the score. But, when confronted,
the point is to get away cleanly and avoid a
hassle. Don't be a slave to false pride and pro-
voke that pig.

If you're certain he saw your bag blade,
DON'T drop it but DON'T just stand there with
the knife in your hand. Snap the blade shut.

Climb out of the dumpster if you're in it, but
DON'T walk up to the policeman. DON'T make
sudden moves, DON'T start offering excuses. Let
the pig talk and figure out his major problem.
THINK your way out, don't TALK your way
out. DON'T become loud or emotional. Remain,
at all times, calm and nonconfrontational. RE-
MEMBER, you've done nothing wrong.

Tell him you're looking for boxes. This is why I
like to keep several empty cardboard boxes in
the back of my truck. Don’t let them become rain
soaked, however, or they won't make a good
alibi. It's best to be familiar with the local laws
regarding dumpster diving BEFORE you find
yourself in this situation. More discussion on
laws later.

Whatever you do, DON'T try to blather your
way out of things. Cops will nod sympatheti-

Diving Techniques Illustrated 59

cally and ply you for information. Sentences
like, "I've been doing this for years and never
had a problem" will produce a smile, lots of
head nodding, then arrest. Minimize what
you're doing. You needed a few boxes and hap-
pened to spot this nice little vase in your hot
little hand. The "needed boxes" excuse is the
only excuse I've known to produce a positive ef-
fect. After all, cops don't make much money,
either. They're not smart enough.

By the way, always drop your loot, even if the
rest of your truck is full of items. If the police-
man says, "Where did you get this stuff?"
DON'T say "from a friend." The policeman will
immediately ask your friend's name and ad-
dress. Remember, if the cop had enough evi-
dence to arrest you and make it stick, he'd be
pressing your face into the hood of his car. Open
your mouth and say too much and he will have
enough evidence to arrest you.

REMEMBER: No innocent person ever avoided
arrest by answering all the questions of a suspicious,
paranoid pig. DON'T fall into the trap of trying to
talk your way out of things. It won 't work.

As I stated, be cooperative and friendly, but
firm. DON'T submit to search, seizure and
questioning. If the cop says, "Mind if I have a
look in your truck?" and you say, "No, I have
nothing to hide," then you have just given that
suspicious, paranoid Nazi pig the opportunity
to look through your shit and draw his own
conclusions. Empty beer cans? If he can shake
out a drop you're looking at "open bottle, driving
under the influence." What's that? A discarded
steak knife? Looks like a concealed weapon to
me. Clothes, eh? Whose clothes? Oh, you’ve got
somebody's dress in your car and you don't
know whose?

Even if that cop knows in his swiney little heart
that this stuff is innocent discarded all-American
trash, he can still satisfy his probable cause
criterion, haul you in, and cause you problems.
DON'T consent. Project the image of a cooper-
ative, friendly, law abiding citizen who happens
to be conscious of his civil liberties and willing
to be firm, even though he is innocent and could

answer the questions if he wished. Even if you
have a pile of dumpster dived goodies at your
feet and the cop saw you rummaging in the
dumpster, don't admit the stuff is yours. Smile
broadly, shrug a lot.

Use the phrase "civil liberties," not "my
rights.” Cops believe that only criminals know
their rights. On the other hand, they've all heard
of time-consuming, cop-defeating battles over
"civil liberties." So use the phrase "civil liberties,"
but not a lot.

DON’T say something like, "Why don’t you go
catch a bank robber?" This sounds a lot like a
confession of a minor crime. Cops hear this a lot
and it pushes their buttons, since they CAN'T
catch the major criminals and must, therefore,
concentrate on speeders and various kinds of
thought crime. Don’t be abusive, or even mildly
sarcastic. NEVER call the cop names or bring up
numerous instances of local piggy foul ups. If all
else fails, that cop can slap you with a
"disorderly conduct" charge just for waving your
arms or snapping your gum too loud. Instead,
play on his vanity. Say things like, "I know you
have a tough, dangerous job and I hate to waste
your time," or, "I'm sure glad to have your pa-
trols in my neighborhood, officer!" If you're a
female, and the cop is male, don't worry — you
won't have a problem if you stroke his ego a bit.
Cops are pervert sex pigs.

The only time I would use the excuse "looking
for boxes" would be in a town with NO LAWS
WHATSOEVER regarding dumpster diving, or
in my own neighborhood. And I would only use
that excuse on a really friendly cop, and ONLY
if I didn't have a truck full of loot.

I wrote the following and field tested it twice
on real, live porkers. It worked both times. Try
it:

"Officer, sir, I respect your profession and
wouldn't want you to think I’d break any laws.
But I'm conscious of my civil liberties and my
freedom as an American, and I don’t wish to an-
swer your questions."

60 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Smile sincerely when you say this. Set aside
all negative energy and thoughts. Don’t say "sir"
with sarcasm, don't act prideful or obnoxious,
don't be loud. Speak to that poor, deluded pig
like he’s your dear, lost brother who has never
seen the light of liberty. After you've said this,
WALK AWAY. Don't say anything else, even if
he is speaking to you, don't even turn around
unless he says, "You're under arrest'" or, "Stop or
I'll shoot!" or some other official announcement
of forthcoming civil rights violations.

In fact, whenever possible, walk away from
dumpster confrontation. Don't use that snappy
one-liner, don't say anything, act deaf and just
walk away. Wait a few days and then go back to
rummaging the same spot.

Remember, from an outsider's perspective,
dumpster diving is a harmless, pathetic, and
not- very-profitable activity. You are hardly
worth the time of a cop. You may be hassled and
warned, verbally abused by pompous pigs, but
most of the time you WON'T face arrest. Con-
frontations with cops are rare.

Good luck. Watch your rear and be prepared,
just in case. Carry a quarter for that "one phone
call."

More Etiquette

Before we conclude this chapter, I'd like to
share a few more tricks with you about dealing
with other dumpster divers.

I figure a dumpster is rather like a store shelf.
Just because somebody parks their cart in front
of a sales special doesn't mean it's all theirs.

If somebody is rummaging in a dumpster,
DON'T intrude on their "intimate personal
space." DON'T touch them. But feel free to reach
in and grab. If the other person says, "Hey! This
is mine!" just smile broadly and keep rummag-
ing. DON’T wage a war of words, even if they
start telling you about the rock hard nature of
their luck. If you have a vehicle, toss the crap on
your truck. Otherwise, drop it at your feet and
stand over it. Putting stuff in a box, if available,

establishes a more definite claim. NEVER try to
grab from somebody else's hands or their "pile."
Eighty percent of assaults in a psychiatric setting
occur when somebody tries to take an object
away from the patient in question. Most va-
grants are psychiatric patients, so DON'T grab
stuff out of their hands or their pile. You’re do-
ing this to profit, but the other guy may be do-
ing this to stay alive. Don't assume he is stable.
Don't underestimate his level of motivation.

If the other dumpster diver is on the right side
of the dumpster, start at the left and work to-
ward the middle, dominating as much space as
you reasonably can. Climbing inside the dump-
ster will give you more opportunities to grab
and more chance to dominate the dumpster
space. If you have a partner, both of you should
rummage. You can pick up the stuff and toss it
on your vehicle AFTER it's all in your pile.

If you are the one rummaging and somebody
else approaches, use these tactics in reverse.
Move to the middle of the dumpster or climb
inside. If they approach, say, "You mind? I was
here first! Go somewhere else, I got this spot!"
Say this in an assertive, firm manner but not as
though you are willing to become violent. This is
the one exception to the rule NO VERBAL
CONFRONTATION. Why? Because it works.
You were there first, you're dominating the
dumpster, most people will back off. Tossing in
a remark like, "I got five kids to feed!" works
well, too, but only use this as a second line of
verbal defense. It gives them an opening to jus-
tify their intrusion. DON'T try this tactic if you
are outnumbered and/or the people look big
and strong enough to cause you a problem. This
works well on most vagrants, who are a timid
lot, though most vagrants wouldn't approach in
the first place.

If you have a partner, he should stand in front
of the dumpster in a protective manner, facing
off the competition, while you toss stuff out of
the dumpster, either into your vehicle or behind
your partner.

DON'T get into a battle of words. Repeat once
if necessary your position: A) Here first. Go

Diving Techniques Illustrated 61

elsewhere. B) Five kids, the youngest needing
surgery.

Say this firmly, not TOO loudly, but with true
sincerity. YOU should believe it. I've seen Slash
almost weep as he named all five younger sib-
lings and described the needed surgery in gory
detail. But that's Slash. He has a knack for bull-
shit.

Remember, YOU may be a self-reliant indi-
vidual who doesn't waste pity on folks who
can't cope with the cold, hard universe. How-
ever, the "five kids" approach works well on
people who receive welfare because they need it
and never heard of Ayn Rand.

Let the competition talk, threaten, beg, show
you kiddie photos, doctor's orders, etc. Remain
silent and firm. If you can't stay silent, say, "No!"
Say it a lot. After you’ve cleaned that dumpster out,
toss them a few "Hungry Man" dinners or
something. Say, "No hard feelings, buddy, but I
got kids to feed." This is not a concession to pity.
I believe that if you can avoid having a mortal
enemy for the price of a few discarded pot pies,
pay that small price. But DON’T negotiate a
split. Dominate those dumpsters and throw the
competition crumbs, not concessions. Only the
lean and hungry shall survive.

After a bad confrontation, lay low for a few
hours. And, if you can, get rid of all your loot be-
fore you dive another dumpster. The competi-
tion might be calling the police, claiming you
and your vehicle have committed various
crimes. DON'T be tempted to do likewise. Call-
ing the police in order to get somebody else in
hot water seldom works and often backfires.
NEVER call the police and claim your least-
favorite dumpster diver is making a big mess.
You'll just start an anti-dumpster diving pro-
gram that will hurt you.

Some dumpster competition is no big deal. I
get pretty hard assed about FOOD, but I've had
some nice conversations with people while sal-
vaging books from library dumpsters. I also had
some nice conversations with an old lady while
diving a wholesale florist dumpster. She did.

however, try to lay a guilt trip on me, saying she
was giving flowers to her friends in the hospital
while I was just giving the flowers to women I
wanted to date. I saw her at a flea market some
weeks later, selling pressed flowers, potpourri,
used pots and small, carefully pruned vines.

So play it by ear where competition is con-
cerned.

If you see graffiti inside dumpsters, don’t be
intimidated. Ignore it or slap a SUPPORT
LOCAL POLICE bumper sticker over the graf-
fiti. In a residential area, the locals will think
some other resident did this. NEVER put graffiti
on a dumpster to mark it as "yours." This doesn't
work and only causes hassles.

The "Big Three" Dumpster Hot Spots 63

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Chapter 7

The "Big Three" Dumpster Hot Spots

Remember the "maximum profit, minimum ef-
fort" approach: grab the good stuff first! In
keeping with that spirit, allow me to present my
"big three" dumpster hot spots, followed in the
next chapter by my "lucky seven diving sites." If
you dive only the "top ten," you could still have a
"maximum diving lifestyle."

#1 With A Bismark — Bakeries!

For sheer dependability, combined with value
and volume, bakeries can't be beat. Each day
bakeries produce thousands of doughnuts,
loaves of bread, pies, cinnamon rolls, cookies,
cakes and specialty items. If the stuff doesn't sell
the first day, or in a couple days at the most, out
it goes. The problem isn't finding the stuff, but
consuming it. One bakery can supply a small
commune.

Like all dumpster loot, the stuff you find isn't
necessarily a cross section of what the business
sells. Seldom will you find those tempting,
crispy French cookie things covered with dark
chocolate. You know, the kind you'll gladly pur-
chase for 60c apiece, just for a taste.

Bakeries will provide more "two day old" bread
than you can handle.

Here's what you will find: BREAD. Enough to
supply you and yours with toast, buns, sand-
wich fixings, stuffing, croutons, French toast,
bread pudding and much, much more. Enough

64 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

to feed a handful of hungry swine. Rye, pum-
pernickel, wheat, white, French, Italian, raisin
and sourdough, TONS of it over the course of a
year.

Sometimes you'll find lots of one kind, then
you won't see more for months. Often you'll find
the same thing day after day. Once, we kept
finding so much cheese bread that I was
tempted to walk inside and say, "What is the
problem, folks?" (Don't do that, of course.) We ate
the stuff, we bartered it, we fed it to hogs and
chickens and still the damned cheese bread was
gaining on us. Slash would look at me tiredly as
we loaded up our truck and say, "Brother...
there's something cheesy going on here."

We finally had to run out and acquire more
chicken and swine just to keep ahead. But what
a pleasant problem to overcome... too much food.

In most cases the bread isn't "stale," merely
less than oven fresh. For reviving stale bakery
items, either pop in a microwave or sprinkle
lightly with water and warm in the oven. But
even less-than-fresh bread has value. In fact,
stale bread is better for French toast.

Expect also to find caramel rolls, doughnuts,
cookies, and pies. In my experience you'll find
few cherry pies, lots of apple, raisin, chocolate
and pumpkin. Does the bakery make "gross
looking" chocolate pies? Expect plenty. You'll
find things that actually taste better than they
look or sound. I wouldn't rush into a bakery and
buy "chocolate pineapple chunkies." However,
when I find something like that and sample it ala
dumpster, I find it tastes good. I'm tempted to
walk in the bakery and say, "Hey — why don't
you call these things 'tropical chocolate treat-a-
roos?' You won't end up throwing so many in
the dumpster." (I never do that, of course.)

Expect more pumpkin pies around Christmas
and Thanksgiving, as well as more cookies
shaped like turkeys, bells, Santa, etc. Cakes are
more rare in my experience. I suspect this is be-
cause many bakeries make cakes on a pre-order
basis and leave the stuff on display longer.
When I do find a cake it's often in bad shape.

good only for a few quick bites and the rest is a
treat for the hogs.

Sometimes you’ll find bakery "screw ups.”
Once we found some chocolate cookies which
were so fresh the whole cab of the truck was
filled with a delightful aroma. Slash and I
couldn’t resist — we pulled over and started
stuffing our faces.

We only had a mouthful apiece when we
looked at each other, dismayed.

"Bleccch!" I said, spitting the stuff out the
window.

Slash didn't have the window down on his
side. He spat right on the floor.

"Whuh da fuuuck?" he asked, scraping his
tongue.

"No sugar in the damned mix!" I said, looking
frantically through our "blizzard kit" for our
emergency fruit juice.

"We ought to go back and complain!" Slash
exclaimed.

(We didn't, of course.)

We carted the stuff home for the hogs. How-
ever, only a few weeks earlier we had found
dozens of cans full of ready-made frosting. Dad
smeared the stuff on the sugarless cookies and
pronounced the result quite good. Slash and I
passed, thanks.

Stale cookies are just fine when dunked in
milk, or ground up for pie crust or ice cream
topping. You'll never manage to use all of them,
however, unless you have eight kids or a com-
mune.

Often you'll find wasted raw materials. If you
gather up ten or so 50 lbs. flour sacks, and shake
and pound them over a large container, you can
often salvage a pound or so of flour. Sometimes
you'll find ten or fifteen pounds of flour, wet at
the bottom of the sack or "contaminated" by

The "Big Three" Dumpster Hot Spots 65

chocolate syrup. Often you'll find plastic bags
with twenty pounds of "bad" dough, pouches
full of fruity filling, poorly scraped gallon con-
tainers of chocolate syrup, and so forth.

Slash always thought it was amusing to pick
up a half-used cone of whipped cream, place it
between his thighs, and say, "Look!" When his
unfortunate partner would look. Slash com-
pressed his legs and squeezed the cone with his
hand, producing an obscene blast of whipped
cream. I hated it when he wasted stuff like that. I
always liked to "shotgun" it into my own mouth.

When you find a large amount of dough, take
it home and let it rise for an afternoon. Keep it
covered with a wet piece of linen. Bake the
whole thing in one humungous loaf and feed it
to hogs or chickens. ( Don't feed animals raw
dough.) In hard times, bake and eat it yourself
in suitable portions.

Don't eat stuff directly from the dumpster. It's
hard to resist, especially at bakeries, but always
check things out carefully first and, again, don't
attract attention and comment.

Bakeries are more predictable than most busi-
nesses, and discard their goodies in a routine
manner. I find this is often done at night, shortly
after the close of business, or first thing in the
morning. Hang around the bakery until closing
time and see if you notice the workers grabbing
large amounts of stuff from the "day old" and
"bargain" shelves. Stuff from the other shelves is
probably making its way to the back to be pack-
aged as "bargains." You can hang out across the
street and watch for the same thing. If you can
find out the "discard time" you can usually
count on it within an hour or so. Remember, the
days around a holiday are hot, especially when
the bakery is closed and can't sell off its day old
stuff.

But WATCH OUT! Bakeries can be in full
swing at three o'clock in the morning. Be quiet.
Remember, also, that many stores have "in
house" bakeries. These places can be even more
lucrative than a regular bakery, because they are
one component of a business and wasteful prac-

tices can be absorbed by the rest of the opera-
tion. The "cheese bread" dumpster was behind
an in-house bakery operation. Doughnut shops
are also an excellent and dependable dive spot.
The bigger, the better. Such places are more
profligate in their waste. But I've had excellent
luck with small bakeries, too.

Don't delay. Get yourself "a piece of the pie."

#2 Grocery Stores, Supermarkets, Food Marts

Happy divers display a moderate haul of
grocery store goodies.

You may never shop the same way again!

Given a choice of diving only one kind of
dumpster, I would choose grocery stores. Baker-
ies can’t be beat for value, volume and depend-
ability. But for value, volume and diversity, gro-
cery stores are in a class by themselves. Some-
times you'll find nothing of value. Other times
you'll make out like a bandit. Because of the

66 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

tremendous variety in this particular dumpster.
I've used categories in this entry.

Discarded Produce

Produce found behind grocery stores
can require quite a bit of sorting.

You can count on grocery stores to provide
you with fruits and vegetables on a regular ba-
sis. The number one item, in my experience, is
GRAPES. After that, count on bananas, apples,
pears, peaches, and grapefruit. Frequently, these
delicious bonanzas "hide" beneath piles of plas-
tic, unconsumable produce refuse, outer lettuce
leaves and so forth. If you dig into something
and notice one or two respectable pieces of fruit,
just grab the whole box. A great deal of sorting
and trimming is required to make the most of
discarded produce, but it's easy and worth it.

You can expect almost anything. My favorite
vegetable is the artichoke, but I never actually
purchased one until age 26. Expect seasonal
cycles, of course. When the store is full of water-
melon, so are the dumpsters.

Citrus Fruit. Citrus fruits often take a beating
and end up in the trash bins. This happens to a
lot of fruit, but it seems to me that citrus is more
vulnerable.

Oranges, in particular, are wimpy fruits. I
often find whole crates covered with greenish

mold, useless. Now, mind you, a little mold
never killed anyone. If you see a tiny piece of
mold, rust, mildew, rot or bruising on a piece of
fruit, just trim it. The American obsession with
pure produce drives me nuts, honest to God,
even though I thrive from it. Seriously, you
think those people on wagon trains chucked
their food supplies whenever they found a green
speck? Of course not. Mold was around for mil-
lions of years before homo sapiens, and as we
evolved we have been eating the stuff. I believe
that decades from now people will take "mold
and mildew supplements." Of course, that's not
what the people marketing the stuff will call it.

Anyway, I've taken five pound blocks of
cheese completely covered with furry colonies of
mold, trimmed it into a respectable three pound
block, made myself half a dozen grilled cheese
sandwiches AND I’VE BEEN NONE THE
WORSE. Every day you consume small amounts
of mold without becoming ill or dropping dead.
It's ironic that people will shim something basic
and natural like mold but will gladly eat foods
laced with chemicals. You can’t live your life in a
germ-free bubble. People never exposed to
anything have wimpy immune systems. People
exercise their bodies and minds, but — except
for receiving a few shots — few people make an
effort to exercise their immune system. They're
afraid they will "wear themselves down." Like
an army, an immune system requires drills to
become proficient.

But I digress. Often I find oranges that look
like tennis balls. These are good only for com-
post. But lemons, limes and grapefruit seem to
endure better. The fruit may not be fresh enough
for table display, but it is still great for juice. I'm
a firm believer in the value of a juice extractor —
but don't pay full price.

Manage your haul carefully and you should
always have a stockpile of citrus fruit and juices.
After a hard morning of chores on the farm, the
Slashmeister and I would take a break and slam
down a quart of juice apiece. This helped a lot
when we boarded the bus with all those sick
children whose parents wouldn't dream of pok-
ing about in an "unsanitary" dumpster.

The "Big Three" Dumpster Hot Spots 67

Non-Citrus Fruit. Grapes, as I stated, lead the
list. When the bunches arrive, employees trim
them into small bunches — the kind you buy in
the produce section. They discard many small
strands of grapes — anywhere from six to three
dozen. These "reject" bunches are discarded by
the crate. Some are small, some discolored, some
have broken skins. Don't fret. Run the grapes
under cool water (do this with all fruit) and pick
off the worst-looking grapes. Don't worry about
a little bit of brown on the ends. If your apple
begins to turn brown while you eat it you prob-
ably will still finish the apple. NOTHING IS
WRONG WITH THOSE GRAPES.

Eat and enjoy. Very small grapes are often
sour or extra-sweet. One tiny grape may be sour,
and the next one on the bunch sweet. I like to
watch CNN with my teeny tiny dumpster
grapes, breaking the skins carefully with my
teeth. When Jed was really little, and a bad taste
in his mouth was enough to make him bawl,
Bekka and I would triple dare him to sample
teeny tiny grapes. He would eat happily for a
while, then start to wail. Jed recalls those days
fondly.

Homemade raisins are good, too, especially
when you find too many grapes to eat fresh.

During the Chilean grape scare some years
back, my parents brought home four truckloads of
grapes. Some of the stuff wasn't Chilean, but
grapes that went bad because people wouldn't
buy grapes. Realizing the stuff was being
thrown out all over the country, my parents
went to several stores we rarely dived and even
another town we seldom visited. The solution
which sprang to mind, naturally, was to make
juice. We also made several bottles of wine, just
for fun. The thought that the stuff might actually
be poisoned occurred to us after several hours of
sorting. We solved that problem by feeding the
grape pulp to the hogs after we juiced it. The
hogs didn’t keel over and neither did we.

Most food scares are bullshit. Whenever we
hear some crap on t.v. about "contaminated" or
"poisoned" food, we fire up the truck. Once, an
employee asked Slash if he wasn't afraid the

stuff we were loading on our truck wouldn't
make us sick. It was, as I recall, some crap about
ice cream bars that may or may not cause a cer-
tain influenza.

"Hey, buddy," Slash said. "Watch!"

With that, he unwrapped an ice cream bar and
shoved the whole thing in his mouth. The em-
ployee looked at Slash as though Slash had just
swallowed arsenic.

"Thagh whlzh dub nob kuiw muh shtrum-
phemph muh!" Slash stated.

"What did he say?" asked the wide-eyed em-
ployee.

"He said," I answered, "that which does not
kill me strengthens me."

With that, I casually consumed a "deadly” ice
cream bar myself.

Again, however, avoid outrageous behavior
even when provoked by stupidity.

Back to fruit. Peaches, pears, apples, plums
and apricots can be bruised or even rotting a
little and still have good, edible portions. Trim
and eat, use in pies or other cooking, or dry for
future use. Apples are good for apple butter and
cider. DON'T try to run "mushy" apples through
a juice extractor. You'll get mush. Exotic fruits
like papaya and guava frequently find their way
to the dumpster. Enjoy, enjoy.

Bananas are a favorite of mine. You will
frequently find whole boxes of "rotten" bananas,
so ripe they've turned black. These make excel-
lent banana bread. Grab it and growl!

Watermelon is wasted in tremendous
amounts every summer. You'll find lots of indi-
vidual slices wrapped in plastic as well as bro-
ken or cracked whole melons. Trim until you
find firm flesh. Chill and eat. Delicious! Chilled
watermelon juice is refreshing, and easily pro-
duced from "less than firm" flesh. Little children
like this stuff during the summer more than

68 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

thick, tart juices. The seeds are good roasted and
have an exotic flavor.

Other melons are wasted in delightful abun-
dance, including honeydew, cantaloupe, "musk"
and bitter melon. One great thing about a melon
is size. Trim a peach and you've got three quar-
ters of a peach. Cut the spoiled patches off a
melon and you've got a meal. So when you find a
whole box of melons, you're in business. For a
delightful dumpster treat, make a fruit tray fea-
turing grapes, watermelon and honeydew. De-
licious!

Berries, especially strawberries, are wasted in
huge amounts in their proper seasons. It may
seem like a lot of work to trim individual straw-
berries, but have you priced the darned things?
It's well worth the effort to sort and trim the
darlings. Don't eat too many while you trim or
you won't have enough for strawberries and
cream! (We'll obtain the cream for you under
DAIRY FOODS.) If you have several crates,
which often happens, use in pies or trim and
freeze in plastic bags. Don’t buy bags — old
bread bags work just fine. (Despite a B.S. "paint"
scare some years ago.) Store abundance away
for a rainy day. Strawberries add a kick to other
juices, too. I like a strawberry garnish on a nice
glass of carrot-apple juice, all components gratis,
of course.

Raspberries, blueberries, gooseberries and
other little delights are discarded more rarely.
Don’t let a few smashed berries discourage you.
You’d eat it if you had just picked it.

Cherries are discarded extravagantly in their
season. Better to pick out the worst ones and set
the fruit out for consumption — let the person
eating the cherries do the trimming. Don't fret
about a few brown spots. Cherries also add a
"kick" to other juices and are good dried.

Pineapples are discarded more rarely. When I
find a discarded pineapple the outside of the
fruit is often dark and/or feels "slimy." It's still
good inside, however. After you eat the best part
of the pineapple toss the tough "core" in the
juicer. It's good.

Bruised figs are excellent, even the bruised
parts. I rarely find dates, however. This about
covers most of the major fruits. There are plenty
of other things you'll find, such as pomegranates
and avocados, kiwi and star fruits. Simply trim
the "bad parts" and use. With large amounts,
keep an eye toward preservation.

Grocery stores discard lots of lettuce and
cabbage leaves suitable for animal feed.

Dive Your Veggies! The vegetable you’ll find
most frequently isn’t fit for human consumption.
That vegetable is lettuce. No, not succulent
heads of lettuce but the outer leaves. These are
routinely discarded by the boxful. Hogs will eat
the stuff if nothing else is available. Chickens
will peck at it half-heartedly. But rabbits and
goats love it. We raised a hundred or so rabbits
and they required little more than these dis-
carded leaves, water and a salt lick.

As an experiment, we once made homemade
"kimchee" out of those tough discarded cabbage
leaves. It was excellent. The succulent inner cab-
bage leaves turned out too soft. So it's nice to
know that when economic collapse takes place,
you'll probably still be able to find discarded
cabbage and lettuce leaves.

The "Big Three" Dumpster Hot Spots 69

Cabbage and lettuce are sometimes discarded
by the head. Peel off the wilted outer leaves and
eat. By the way, no matter how wilted a
vegetable might be it still tastes good boiled or
steamed thoroughly. In fact, it’s tough to tell
fresh boiled stuff from stale boiled stuff. Re-
member that, because you'll find a lot of wilted
stuff. Artichokes, for example. A buck or more
apiece but you can have 'em for free. Don't be
discouraged by brown tips on the leaves, or
brown wilt on lettuce. Just don’t eat that part.
After all, the thing grew in the dirt. Don't be a
wimp. Don't trim off the artichoke stem. Boil
and eat. It's good, too.

Speaking of growing in the dirt, many excel-
lent root vegetables are discarded simply be-
cause they are too small. You'll find carrots,
radishes, beets, turnips, parsnips and other root
vegetables with their tops still attached. Other
than a few blemishes, nothing is wrong with
these delicious vegetables except their size or
freshness. Little bitty veggies smothered in but-
ter — mmm , mmm! Need I say more?

Often you'll find "assortments” of veggies in
plastic wrap, labeled "stir fry" or something.
This is dumpster convenience at its finest. Take a
gander at those price tags and pat your own
back heartily.

You’ll frequently find wilted spinach, collard
greens, and other leafy green veggies. Boil or
steam and enjoy. Wilted celery! Trim the brown
spots, chop it up and toss it in a stew. Throw in
the leaves, too. They're good.

Cucumbers aren't as tough as they look. I find
lots of them, bruised and banged and even split
in half. Trim carefully and cut into cucumber
coins. Leave the skin on, it's the best part.

When you find tomatoes they are usually in
bad shape. Don’t fret. Carefully pick out the
worst parts and make spaghetti sauce with
what's left.

Potatoes are often found in a somewhat dried-
out state, frequently with "eyes" on their outer
skins. Wash 'em, trim 'em, fry 'em up skin and

all. If you see the top of a potato or onion bag in
a dumpster, pull it free. These vegetables are
frequently discarded in their bags.

With onions, you may note black spots or soft
areas. Simply trim. Treat garlic bulbs in the
same manner. Naturally, these vegetables aren't
very expensive. But every little bit helps. Use the
money you save to purchase a big, thick steak.

Often, you'll find broccoli which has become
slightly yellowed, wilted, or has a "slimy" tex-
ture. Slimy vegetables are generally the result of
those stupid misting machines in the produce
section. These things don't keep vegetables
fresh, merely fresh looking. The veggies actually
go bad quicker as the constant water action
sucks the life out of their degenerating cells.

Well, don’t fret about slimy broccoli. Simply
trim, preserving as much of the tender upper
stalk as possible. Then chop up the whole stalk,
including the leaves. This is really good, and
good for you. I actually prefer the stalk to the
broccoli tips. You've probably eaten so-called
"tough" stalks of broccoli in an oriental restau-
rant and enjoyed it.

Sometimes you'll find nothing but whole
boxes of broccoli stalk. This is more common
behind restaurants but I've seen it happen at
stores, too. When I find nothing but the broccoli
shaft I cook it up and call it "Broccoli ala Bush."
Read my lips — it's delicious!

I'm a firm believer in using the whole piece of
produce whenever possible. When I put a melon
in my juice extractor I leave the skin on it. Slash
and I eat every part of an apple but the seeds
and stem, and Slash likes to eat small shreds of
orange skin with his orange pulp. Many people I
meet are shocked that I have such good
nutritional habits and yet I do this nasty
dumpster thing. On the contrary — dumpster
diving has always been an aid to my nutrition.
Can you imagine supplying three kids with all
the fresh produce they can eat — especially if
they really develop a hankering for the expen-
sive stuff? But I've always had every kind of
food I could desire.

70 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Back to veggies. Sometimes you'll find sweet
com still in the husk. When you peel back the
husk you'll notice black kernels, soft spots, etc.
Don't fret. Take a knife and cut, cut, cut. The
com looks funny when you serve it, as though
somebody came along and tasted each cob.
When you find a lot of com, strip off the husk
and freeze it.

Around Halloween, expect pumpkins. Use in
pies, bake like squash, roast the seeds. Don't for-
get about seed "windfalls" from produce.

Besides the veggies already mentioned, you
will frequently find green beans, fresh peas,
bean sprouts, cauliflower, asparagus, and all
types of peppers. You will rarely find dried
beans such as pinto beans, but I've seen it hap-
pen. I've also seen such exotic and expensive
veggies as French endive. Now that's gourmet
dumpster diving.

Remember, produce is frequently discarded in
boxes which carry the name of some fruit or
vegetable. Don't be dismayed by a "crappy" ap-
pearance. Carefully separate trash from treasure.
Remember, safe inside its "natural packaging"
that produce is clean and delicious.

Other Produce. Besides fruits and vegetables,
there is another category which includes such
things as coconuts and cashews. Perhaps I
would mention it only in passing if it wasn't for
coconuts. And stale peanuts in the shell.

I find coconuts constantly. Whenever a cus-
tomer drops a nut and busts the shell, out it
goes. Other customers feel compelled to poke
the coconut "eyes" until they pop. Then the juice
drains out while the customer trudges off to the
canned pasta section. When you find a coconut
smash it open, pull the meat out, shred it and
toast for cookies. Don't trim the brown layer off
the meat (where it touches the inner part of the
shell) because it's so good. You can also eat coco-
nut raw for a chewy snack.

My dad used to love raw coconut, despite the
fact it took him half an hour to eat even a small
slice.

"It prevents beri beri and dysentery!" he
would exclaim.

So far as I know, none of the Hoffmans suf-
fered from these diseases while we had fresh
dumpster dived coconut. And a little goes a long
way.

A few times we made huge hauls of stale pea-
nuts. These can be toasted and "revitalized" or
made into peanut butter. Infrequently, we have
found other nuts such as cashews. But these are
better dived at specialty shops.

Be aware of odd produce. Once Slash and I
found a box full of "petrified" parsnips. We did-
n't even bother to grab 'em for compost. They
smelled terrible. Later, we found out what we
had foolishly left in the dumpster — horseradish
root. We felt sick at our mistake. Mom loves
horseradish with meat and the opportunity to
trade it with neighbors would have been profit-
able.

Another time we found some cactus leaves.
We figured somebody in the "potted plant" sec-
tion had trimmed these leaves off some orna-
mental cactus. A few weeks later we found out
these were tender cactus leaves intended for
human consumption. I didn't have the oppor-
tunity to sample this delicacy until years later
when I moved to Texas.

From these mistakes I learned to take an inter-
est in anything new or different in the produce
section. When a Chinese student moved from
his apartment and tossed out most of his pantry,
I quickly recognized dried straw mushrooms,
seaweed, black fungus, and a variety of other
odd-but-edible items. Take an interest in food
and you will do well. What could be more fasci-
nating than your next meal and where it's com-
ing from?

The "Big Three" Dumpster Hot Spots 71

"Expired" dairy products are a frequently discarded
food item. This dumpster divin' dog knows he’ll
soon get a treat.

Dairy Products — The Sour Smell Of Success

Thank goodness for power outages, refrigera-
tors with bad motors, and other things that
curdle the cream in the night. Thank heavens for
expiration dates — and mold. Some of my best
friends are spores.

Dairy products such as milk (skim, homoge-
nized, 2%, chocolate, etc.), cream (including
whipping cream and half 'n' half), yogurt, and
all that lovely cheese and pseudo-cheese have a
wonderful habit of going bad or remaining in
stock past their so-called expiration dates.
Expiration dates are mysterious dates when per-
fectly good food mysteriously transforms into
deadly poison at the stroke of midnight. Yeah,
right. And my pet rabbit does book reviews. Of
course, when I find expired food still in stock I
complain vigorously to the management. I've
also been known to file complaints with my lo-
cal health department.

Often, "expired" milk isn’t even sour when dis-
carded. However, if the weather is warm it soon
will be. If you see discarded ice or dry ice from

the meat department, pack it around your sal-
vaged perishables. Cold weather is excellent
when you find meat, frozen foods and dairy
products. It thins out the riff-raff, too.

Usually you won’t find one or two gallons of
milk — it's more like ten or twenty gallons at a
shot. Just because milk is sour doesn't mean it’s
"bad." Use for cooking. Refrigerate it as soon as
possible and use it while it's fresh. Encourage
your kids to drink a gallon a day when it's
available. Feed it to cats and dogs. They won't
bitch because the milk is "sour." Animals are
smart that way.

Trim moldy cheese and consume it with con-
fidence. Novices may feel more comfortable
making grilled cheese sandwiches, but there's no
reason you can't trim and eat immediately. In-
visible mold spores will quickly recolonize the
cheese if you leave it sitting around too long af-
ter trimming. Don't be discouraged by cheese
that looks like a furry brick. As long as some
cheese is still visible the stuff is probably good
— especially if the brick weighs several pounds.
When you price a five pound slab of cheddar,
Colby or Swiss you'll pat yourself on the back.

Cottage cheese holds up amazingly well
when exposed to summer temperatures. Drain
off excess whey before consuming. If you find
frozen cottage cheese in the winter, the stuff will
"break down" when thawed. Don't worry about
it. Use in place of ricotta cheese in lasagna.

Of course, when I think of dairy foods I think
of ICE CREAM. Lots of this wonderful stuff is
discarded, everything from plastic gallon buck-
ets of butter brickie to chocolate-covered ice
cream bars to boxes of Neapolitan. Despite my
anecdote, food scares are rarely the reason this
stuff is discarded. It is tossed out as commonly
as milk. However, it's a little trickier to use.

If you obtain the stuff in a frozen state toss it
in the freezer and pat yourself on the back. But if
you obtain the stuff in a severely melted or a
liquid state, more work is required. As you may
have discovered, ice cream does not return to its
previous state when melted and refrozen. So

72 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

you'll enjoy the stuff more in shakes. Use a
blender. You can also convert severely melted
ice cream bars into chocolate shakes in this
manner. Be careful to remove all the sticks, of
course.

Some ice cream bars and other "frozen treats
on a stick" can be refrozen and then chipped out
of the box for individual consumption. This
works especially well with snacks that are all
one "component" like fudge bars. It also works
well for stuff with a chocolate "sheath" which
holds the thing together, even in a melted state.
However, a lot of frozen treats separate when
melted and refrozen. You might pull out a
banana fudge pop, refrozen for consumption,
and find a thin, icy "banana" flavored section on
one side, and the other side is a sludgey, frozen
"fudge" flavor. Yech. But you won't know until
you try. Some refreeze successfully.

Melted ice cream in a plastic or paper bucket
is easy to deal with, but the stuff in a box is
harder. If you pick it up, try to open it, etc., it
can turn to glop and run through your hands.
Best to freeze it immediately, handling it as little
as possible. If you have a huge freezer, toss the
whole box inside. Don't sort, don't separate,
don’t poke around too much, just freeze the
whole thing. When it is frozen you can peel off
the packaging and utilize it.

Once, Bekka and I returned home with four
large crates of melted ice cream. I would sup-
pose each crate contained sixteen boxes of ice
cream — liquefied.

"What should we do. Mom?" we asked,
showing her the boxes.

Mom scratched her head, thought a moment,
then said, "Were going to put off butchering that
hog a few days."

I thought her reply meant we should feed the
stuff to the hogs, but then she directed us inside
the porch with the first of the crates. She lifted
the lid of our huge storage freezer, and I was
surprised to see it was almost empty. Usually it
was nearly full.

Of course! I thought. She moved everything
around so we could put the hog meat in the
freezer. But, instead, we tossed those four crates
inside.

As we moved the crates, our farm cats scur-
ried around lapping up the melted ice cream
oozing from the boxes.

"Let's field test the stuff," I suggested, and
tossed a gloppy box of vanilla toward a group of
kittens.

They loved it. After they finished licking that
box completely clean, inside and out, they licked
each other clean the rest of the afternoon. It was
quite amusing.

A few days later we "peeled" everything and
put the ice cream in more convenient contain-
ers. And, of course, we made lots of shakes.
Most of the ice cream was Neapolitan and it had
retained its striped appearance despite being
liquefied. Jed found the slightly warped stripes
amazing. He kept saying, "Wow.. .wow..."

Dumpster diving is a whole universe of
"cheap thrills."

Sour cream and various dairy-based dips are
thrown out with amazing frequency. I can even
tell you the two most commonly discarded
types: French onion and garlic. Of course, spicy
avocado is gaining rapidly on the two leading
dips. Even when exposed to warm temperatures
for several hours, these dips hold up amazingly
well. You may find a few tablespoons of whey
on top of the dip. Simply drain it. Use these dips
with chips or as baked potato toppings. Of
course, I like sour cream so much I can sit down
and eat it with a spoon. Hope you love dip, too.
The problem isn't finding the stuff, but using it.

And you'll find a lot of yogurt, too, especially
pineapple. Hope you like that flavor. A lot of
pineapple, lemon and lime flavored things end
up in dumpsters. My dumpster diving has led
me to the following insight: Americans don't like
yellow things or lime green things. They
especially don't like yellow or lime green slime

The "Big Three" Dumpster Hot Spots 73

textures. I think it all goes back to slapping their
little hands when they pick their noses.

Frozen Foods — Dumpster Gold!

A huge variety of frozen foods are available
in our society, everything from two-for-a-buck
pot pies to gourmet entrees. All these delicious
delights have expiration dates. And they are all
wonderfully vulnerable to freezer bum, to being
crushed and ripped and dropped. The dump-
sters are full of this expensive, wonderful stuff.

Pot pies and frozen dinners of all sorts are
among the most commonly discarded items. If
you find one, you'll often find twenty to sixty. I
have seen something near a truckload, hundreds
of these delicious and filling delights. If you find
six or twelve, you can toss 'em in the freezer and
use individually. However, when you find a lot
and start to run out of freezer space, simply
break the meals down into individual compo-
nents. For example, take the t.v. dinner and
scrape the vegetables into one container, the
fried chicken into another, the potato and gravy
unit into yet another. Tupperware is wonder-
fully useful, but don't run out and buy the stuff.
Plastic ice cream and margarine containers work
just as well. If they become warped and won't
seal properly toss them out and get more.

Regarding frozen food, remember this: the
stuff has been frozen for a long, long time. It was
packaged under reasonably sanitary conditions.
It won't kill you just because it sits thawed for a
few hours.

Various types of frozen dough are exciting
items. When the stuff begins to thaw it begins to
expand. Sometimes one of these "cardboard
cans" will go pop! right in your hand. I have
picked up a large box of frozen dough and heard
up to half a dozen soft pop! sounds.

"They're playing our song!" Slash would say
on these occasions.

If you find dough in a frozen state, toss it in
the freezer for later use. But don’t freeze it if it
has thawed and started to "rise." Let it rise and
bake according to the directions. Fresh baked

cinnamon rolls straight from the dumpster!
How's that for delicious convenience? Most
instant cookie dough doesn't "rise," so just
refrigerate when you obtain it.

A variety of frozen, breaded meats can be ob-
tained in dumpsters, such as veal patties, fish
sticks, chicken nuggets, and so forth. If these
things are thawed, cook 'em extra good before
consuming. These meats, however, are not dis-
carded as frequently as the "meal" and "entree"
packages. And, oddly enough, I rarely see fro-
zen vegetables or stuff like hash browns and
french fries. Perhaps these have a longer shelf
life, or sell quicker because they are cheaper.
When I do see these items it is usually in
amounts of one or two and damaged in some
way.

Keep in mind food is discarded for a variety of
dumb reasons, including expiration dates, dam-
age or convenience. If a customer rips open a
box to see if the "Hungry Dude" dinner contains
extra cheesy weenies, then leaves the item on the
shelf, that item won't sell. Often, the last item on
a shelf won’t sell.

If a product has been discontinued, and half a
dozen "Turkey Gizmos" continue to monopolize
shelf space, a manager might simply say,
"Chuck ’em!" That is an example of discarding
for the sake of convenience.

I make an effort to determine why food has
been discarded, and I’m especially careful about
meat. Usually you can tell by looking at the
package. Has it been opened, ripped, crushed or
otherwise damaged? Next, check the expiration
date. Lastly, ask yourself if you've ever heard of
"Mr. Rudy's Extra Spicy Clam Chunks 'n' Brisket
Bits." Maybe this is a discontinued product that
sat around for too long. But don't be paranoid,
don’t start making phone calls or playing Sher-
lock Holmes. Most things are discarded because
somebody in management is an idiot. Or a
chicken. If I were running the store I'd say, "Eh,
yeah... just load that stuff right in the back of my
truck. Make double sure everything is really
expired, in case the general manager asks. Oh,
and take an entree home for yourself, too."

74 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Most managers are so afraid of a "pilfering"
accusation they won’t take advantage of these
goods. This is stupid, since I've noticed most
managers actually pilfer. They'll fear for their
soul over a box of paper clips but God forbid
they should salvage perfectly good food.

Frozen juice concentrate is often discarded.
Don't worry if it has thawed, just refreeze. Of
course, things like this may leak, and the con-
tainers are often splattered with food refuse. A
stain on a package is considered "damage," and
most people won't buy the stuff. And here I
thought packaging was to "protect" food. Go
figure. Anyway, wiping something clean or re-
moving a juice stain from your freezer is a small
price to pay for juice concentrate. But don't spill
the stuff on your carpet. Grape, especially, be-
comes a permanent fixture. So handle with care
when the stuff inside is liquid.

Considering their cost, frozen foods are
dumpster gold. And they are a commonly dis-
carded item. Assume the stuff is good, because it
usually is good. Price it, and pat yourself on the
back.

Canned and Dry Goods — Primo Dumpster
Loot!

Because of the durable nature of canned and
dry goods, these items are not discarded as fre-
quently as produce, dairy or frozen foods. How-
ever, I've seen many hauls which involved
nothing but canned and dry goods. I've seen
hauls of a hundred salvaged cans, a hundred
boxes of cereal and macaroni. Many people as-
sume dumpsters contain very little usable food,
but I tell you that one of your biggest problems
is dealing with the surplus.

Cans are at least as common as boxes, but I be-
come more excited about canned foods because
these items can be stored as part of an emer-
gency stockpile for a long, long time. Also,
frankly, lots of yummy things are in cans and I
have fond memories of all the fun I had as a
child with "mystery cans."

"Mystery cans" are cans without labels. Natu-
rally, the only way you can determine the con-

tent is to open one or speculate intelligently. In
the case of two dozen different sized and shaped
cans this can be quite a puzzle.

I have asked grocery people why a label would
be removed from a can before the can is dis-
carded. One told me, "To obtain a rebate." An-
other said, "Maybe to keep count of what they
threw away." Yet another said, "To prevent re-
sale." When my brother was a stock boy, he told
me that he asked the manager why he was re-
moving the labels and was told, "Just do it." Ap-
parently, even grocery stores don't understand
the ways of purple-fingered stock boys.

Anyway, it's exciting to find a bunch of mys-
tery cans. Trying to lift them can be exciting, too.
Exercise care. That stock boy probably dragged
that box out and then bench pressed it.

Often you’ll find cans that are dented or
bloated into interesting shapes. This may be the
most shocking claim in this book, and I know
many of you will shake your head in disbelief,
but here it is: MOST OF THE TIME THE FOOD
IN THESE CANS IS O.K.

I'm not talking about meat, naturally. NEVER
eat from a bloated can containing ANY meat.
That includes a can of beans with one little piece
of fat. But dented cans are O.K., even if the can is
bent nearly in half. It is good if it's sealed.

Most of the time I’ll open a "bloated" can and
find grapes, pineapple, fruit cocktail or some
other fruit or fruit juice. Tasting the juice after
carefully smelling the contents, I find it has a
slight "kick" due to fermentation. I was told by a
cannery supervisor that "low canning heat can
cause on-shelf fermentation." Thus the football
shape.

Anyway, most of my college-educated,
germophobe friends won’t believe my claim that
these dented, distorted cans are safe for human
consumption. It's easier to argue them out of
political positions than to convince them a
dented, bloated can is safe to eat from.

The "Big Three" Dumpster Hot Spots 75

One of my bleeding-heart "open-minded"
college roommates was particularly hard to
convince. I had to bring "Scott" to my farm for a
demonstration. When we arrived home, my
gray-haired mother was in the kitchen cleaning
a Canada goose that Jed had gunned down as it
invaded our farm's sacred airspace.

"Mighty big hole in that goose," I said, sneak-
ing up behind her.

"Well, Jedediah Bradford Hoffman, you had to
use Willard's big rifle..." Mom began, then
turned around.

"Hi, Mom!" I said.

"John!" she exclaimed. "And Scotty! You both
here for the weekend?"

"Oh, tonight and tomorrow," I said. "Hey, I
have to show something to Scotty, got any mys-
tery cans?"

"The usual place," Mom replied, turning back
to the goose. "Don't make a mess."

I opened the utility room closet and rum-
maged amid the cans until I found a severely
dented can marked "TUNA?" I also found a
small, nearly ball shaped can marked
"PINEAPPLE?"

"You don't have to do this!" Scott said, looking
at the cans with trepidation.

"Mom!" I yelled. "When did we get this stuff?"

Mom thought out loud for a moment, men-
tally placing the discovery of the cans amid
known birthdays, visitations by relatives, and
notable winter storms. She pinned down the
date to nine months earlier.

"Nine months!" I told Scott dramatically,
holding up the cans.

"Certain-fucking-DEATH!" Scott declared.

"Let's see the money," I replied.

Scott produced a twenty dollar bill.

"Don't show Ma," I said. "She hates gambling."

"You can't vomit in the next twenty-four
hours," Scott said. "Or go to the hospital. Or die."

I handed him my twenty. After all, how else
could he collect if I died? We shook on it.

"Mom!" I said, as we returned to the kitchen.
"Got a can opener?"

Mom pointed it out amid her zillion or so
utensils. Right in front of my face, of course!

I grabbed the can opener (dumpster dived
behind a residence years ago), a few slices of
wheat bread (courtesy of the local bakery), mayo
and a bowl. Few of our bowls match. I think this
produces a neat effect, very post-apocalyptic.
Mom saw what I was doing and warned me that
I would spoil my supper. And it was roast
goose!

'Til still be hungry," I assured her. "But I have
something to prove to Scott. Hey, where did we
get this mayo?"

"You know where," she smiled.

"Jerry's?" I asked.

She nodded.

"The mayo was discarded, too!" I told Scott.

He was grinning, already counting his money.
Everybody knows that mayonnaise is practically
cyanide disguised as sandwich spread. I opened
the mystery can of tuna and smelled its contents
carefully.

"If it's so good, why are you smelling it?" Scott
demanded.

"I smell everything," I answered. "You know
that. Chill."

76 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Normally, Scott would begin a litany of my
weird qualities, but my dear sweet mother was
standing right there. And she was cooking his
goose.

Determining the contents were good, I swiftly
made myself a sandwich. Without considering
the drama of the moment, I took a bite. Scott
gasped out loud. So I took two more bites, con-
suming half the sandwich.

I opened the severely bloated "pineapple" can.
But it turned out to contain fruit cocktail.

"Thought this was pineapple!" I said to Mom.

"Ail the pineapple is fruit cocktail. And the
sardines are anchovies," she replied, testily.
"Jedediah knows."

"My mistake," I answered.

I dumped the fruit cocktail in a bowl and be-
gan to eat. Scott's jaw was somewhere near his
sternum.

"Want the cherries?" I asked Mom.

She loves the cherries in fruit cocktail.

"Thanks, honeybunch!" she said, and began
picking them out with a fork.

"Duh — doesn't that stuff make you ill?" Scott
asked, growing more shocked by the moment.

We often forget how strange our behavior
seems to non-divers.

"THAT STUFF OUGHT TO KILL YOU!" Scott
exclaimed.

"Scott," I said, looking him in the eye.
"Sometimes people have deeply-held beliefs that
happen to be bullshit. Like your position on
firearms."

Scott was literally grabbing his hair and pull-
ing it.

"This is not happening," he declared.

"Reality is real," I replied. "Ayn Rand.”

"Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!"
Mom said.

She loves to say that every so often, though it
seldom fits anywhere in a conversation.

Well, Scott observed me carefully for signs of
impending death throughout supper and an
evening of Clint Eastwood videos.

"Get 'em, Harry!" I'd yell every so often. "Use
yer right to bear arms!"

"Praise the Lord!" Mom would chime in. "Pass
the ammunition!"

Scott would shake his head as though he had
accidentally beamed into the third century A.D.
The next day he was bleary-eyed from lack of
sleep. He later confessed that he had stayed
awake all night, hoping to catch me secretly
puking. When he handed over my cash, Scott
boldly announced that he was ready to try a
"mystery can."

"No, Scott," I said. "You better not."

"No?" he replied. "What do you mean? I knew
it! IT WAS A TRICK! You must have heated the
can and made it expand...!"

"It's no trick, Scott," I answered. "But you're
not ready. Deep down you're still convinced the
stuff is poison. You will psyche yourself into
being sick."

Scott, always a sensitive guy in touch with his
feelings (especially guilt and doubt), agreed I
was right. In fact, he had worked up a whole
rationale to explain what he had seen. Here's
Scott's Crackpot Theory: The entire Hoffman
family has, over the years, ingested small
amounts of botulism toxin, the world's deadliest
poison. Gradually we have acquired immunity.
Anybody else would die from eating a bloated
can of fruit cocktail. Possibly our blood could be

The "Big Three" Dumpster Hot Spots 77

used as a vaccine. It is worth $20 to witness such
a miracle. Somebody should write to Omni
magazine.

Yeah, right. And my cat can name all 50 states.

Plenty of cherished notions are bullshit. Once
we were told by the powers-that-be to suck the
venom from a snakebite. Now that's wrong —
harmful, in fact. Once we were told that only
homosexuals, IV drug users, and Haitians were
at high risk for AIDS. Prostitutes were not con-
sidered high risk. Now prostitutes are high risk
and Haitians have pretty much recovered from
the bad press. Supposedly sugar causes cavi-
ties... but recently I read about a study that con-
cludes it may, in fact, be starch.

So what happens to the people who sucked
their snakebites, slept with whores and brushed
after consuming sweets? Let them take comfort
in the fact they had the "right" beliefs... God rest
their souls.

Eventually, Scott was able to eat from a
"mystery" can. But his whole perception of the
world began to shift. Last I heard he was con-
sidering the purchase of a .38 pistol and talking
about preserving his capital. I felt like the guy
who had ruined Santa and the Tooth Fairy for
him. It was a great feeling.

My mother and father grew up with the same
beliefs about bloated cans as everyone else. So,
for a few years, our pigs enjoyed lots of canned
fruit. However, these animals enjoyed the stuff a
little too much.

"Is that pig sick?" my father asked one day.

The pig was galloping about unsteadily,
squealing with delight.

"Sick nothing!" my mother answered. "That
hog is liquored up!"

Dad looked at the bloated can in his hand and
suddenly thought of the "hooch" he and his
buddies made in the army. They would put
grape juice or some other sugary fruit juice in a

can and cover it with a rubber glove. The glove
would slowly inflate, then deflate, over the
course of a few days. If you drank lots of it, the
mildly alcoholic brew would give you a slight
buzz.

"Why would stuff ferment in the can?" Dad
asked. "Why doesn’t everything ferment?"

"Maybe it's not canned right," Mom answered.
"Maybe some bacteria got in."

"But the bacteria that causes stuff to ferment
ain't the same as the stuff that causes food poi-
soning," Dad said.

They looked at the marinated hog with a
sideways glance. He was standing at the trough,
waiting for more peaches, grunting.

"Of course," Dad added, "hogs can eat lots of
things that people can’t."

"That's true, too," Mom said.

"By God," Dad said, "I bet this stuff is good."

So, right there in front of the pig pen Dad
opened a can of peaches and drank the juice. We
still enjoy this unusual beverage, which we call
Fuzzy Hog Navel. Dad suffered no ill effects
whatsoever. There was nothing gradual about
this, no "building up immunity." He grabbed a
can bloated into a football shape and he drank
from it. Then he drank two more. And we've
been eating the stuff in these "deadly" cans ever
since.

Ask yourself this: if a bloated can is really full
of deadly botulism, if it truly contains a toxin
which can kill whole cities, then WHY aren't
there special laws regarding the disposal of
these deadly cans? Obviously the stuff is more
deadly than PCPs, which require years to cause
health problems. Yet no special disposal
methods for bloated cans exist.

Most bloated cans do not contain botulism
toxin. Of course, if a can did contain clostridium
botulism, that can would probably be bloated.

78 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

What to do, what to do? Simple: test the batch.
If you obtain thirty cans of fruit cocktail, feed
one to a pig, goat, or other poor dumb animal.
DON'T feed it to chickens. Birds are very
vulnerable to even a small amount of alcohol.
They will walk into walls or simply keel over,
dead. DON'T open every single can and feed a
portion of each to the animal. This is foolish. The
stuff came from the same lot and one can will
do. If the animal suffers no ill effects in 36 hours,
you can be sure the can is free of botulism... a
rather rare type of food poisoning, I should point
out.

Other common food borne bacteria include
Salmonella, Clostridium perfringens (involved in
perfringens poisoning, which is rarely deadly),
and Staphylococcus aureus (involved in common,
generally mild staph infections).

Salmonella is killed by heating food to 140 e F
for ten minutes (or less time at higher tempera-
tures). The stuff remains alive on frozen foods.

Perfringens is everywhere. You eat it on meat
every day. Only by eating an unusually large
amount will you become sick. (Unless you are
immunocompromised, i.e., sickly.) To control it,
cool meats rapidly and refrigerate at 40 9 F or be-
low. That would include, for example, discarded
veal cutlets and chicken nuggets.

Staph is controlled by heating food to 140 S F,
cooling below 40 S F. However, only by cooking
in a pressure cooker (240 s for 30 minutes) can
you destroy the toxin. That's why staph is de-
lightfully hardy and involved in so many infec-
tions. I just have to admire it. Luckily, staph in-
fections are rarely anything to worry about.

So, by chilling food below 40-F and heating
food above 140 S F, you are rendering it safe ex-
cept for, possibly, staph. Life has risks and staph
is easily controlled. When I suspect a possible
staph infection in myself or a loved one I go into
Mexico and buy cheap, over the counter anti-
biotics. No $50 doctor visit or $30 throat culture
is required. I have medical coverage, but why
waste my time? Mexico... what a country!

By the way, even deadly botulism toxin is de-
stroyed by boiling for ten to twenty-five
minutes. So much for the world's most deadly
poison which can kill whole cities.

One health department director I know likes
to hold up a bloated can of jalapeno peppers
while he talks about the incredibly deadly na-
ture of botulism toxin. He urges poor, underpaid
food workers to toss such cans in dumpsters.
{First he says a thimbleful can kill a whole city
then he urges them to send the stuff to a leaky
old landfill. People should be dropping dead by
the millions.) If their boss gives them a problem,
he says, call the health department. His govern-
ment-sponsored gorillas in pinstriped suits will
set matters straight. And this man knows about
killing botulism toxin by boiling.

If those poor, underpaid workers had just a
thimbleful of knowledge they'd know enough to
toss those bloated cans in the trunk of their car.

I should point out that my bet with Scott was,
after all, risky. We "batch test" everything but I
was still risking staph. I should have cooked the
stuff. But Scott knows I have a brain, and he
might have gone running to a reference book. I
wasn't risking death, only diarrhea. So grab
those "deadly" cans and use 'em.

It’s amazing how many fears our society has
concerning cans. Obviously, most people find
cans a profound theological mystery. I’ve met
people who sincerely believe you'll be poisoned
if you open a can and then refrigerate it. This is
bullshit. This minute, as I draft this. I'm eating
from a can of fried hake and salted black beans
which has been sitting, open, in my fridge for
two days. And the can was dented when I found
it.

Dented cans cause almost as much fear as
bloated cans. Plenty of people have told me the
inside of a dented can will "oxidize" and make
you sick. Apparently, "vegetable noodle oxide"
is one of the world's most deadly poisons.

Try an experiment. Next time you are going to
open a can, whack it on something and dent it.

Don't puncture it, don't break it in half, just dent
it. Now open it.

Is it poison? No? Why not? Not enough time,
huh? How much is enough?

So dent it half an hour before consumption.
One hour. Three hours. Twelve. A day. Three
days. Two weeks. A month and a half. A year.
WHEN does the deadly miracle take place?

It doesn't. So long as the can isn’t punctured, it
is safe. Think about this: many cans are made
with invisible imperfections. Why aren’t people
dropping dead left and right? What is the differ-
ence between one large dent and the hundreds of
microdents inflicted on the innocent can as it
travels? And what about the "flexible cans" in
army MREs? Those things are treated brutally
before soldiers eat them months or years later.
They should be deadly, but they're not. The
whole "dented can" theory is bull.

Such ignorance makes me rave but, of course,
it's the same fanatical superstition that causes
stuff to be discarded in the first place. So I
should really be thankful.

Sweet fruits packed in water (as opposed to
syrup) are the most commonly discarded
bloated cans. I've noted many cans of pineapple,
grapes, peaches and fruit cocktail. Many canned
tomatoes, too, and tomato juice. As you open
these cans, note their contents. Check for lot
numbers and label all the other cans which re-
semble the first can. This will help you plan
your meals. An indelible laundry marker works
best for this, but use what’s available. Don't run
out and buy things.

Stack bloated cans sideways, like loaves of
bread, so they don't fall over. Carefully shaking
the cans will help you determine what they
might contain. Kids find it fun to help label the
cans. Let 'em draw a picture of a pineapple or a
peach if they can't write yet. This is a delightful
opportunity for "quality time." Mistakes are
often made, so keep your menu flexible.

The "Big Three” Dumpster Hot Spots 79

While not common, mystery cans are certainly
not rare. And when you find some you will
often find a lot. When Slash and I found a good
haul we would rush in the house and yell,
"Mystery cans!" It was almost like bagging a
deer.

Lately, I have seen many "drink boxes," which
are a delightful new trend.

Dry Goods — Things That Got Hard In The Night.
Boxes and bags are wonderfully vulnerable to
humidity, causing caramel com to form a solid
clump or sugary snacks to fossilize. And, of
course, ugly things sometimes happen to bags
and boxes. What a shame. Besides that, the
things expire... especially dry cereal. And have
you priced your favorite sugary cereal? How
would you like to find thirty boxes in perfect
condition except for having their tops ripped
off?

When you find "clumped" items, just use a
common sense approach. Use a grater. Dissolve
things like Jell-O carefully, breaking up the
clumps with a spoon. Stale cookies and crackers
can be "revitalized" in the oven. And, frankly,
plenty of things that are "stale" don’t taste so
bad. Once I traded half a dozen boxes of stale
"Crunch 'n' Munch" to a friend in exchange for a
ride. This beats handing over my cash for gaso-
line. My friend said he would eat the stuff when
he had "the munchies." He later came back and
cut a deal for another two dozen boxes. He and
his friends had eaten all six boxes in one night.

Don't assume everything will be stale. Most of
the, time these items are not stale, merely "ex-
pired." But expired goods become stale quickly,
so seal the bags back up if you don't eat every-
thing immediately. And pat yourself on the back
while you save a small fortune.

Sugar and flour are found in punctured bags
more often than solid clumps. Sure, the stuff is
vulnerable to humidity — in your house. It
doesn't stay on the shelf long enough to clump
up in the store. Expired goods, besides sugary
cereals, include cookies, crackers, and all man-
ner of snack food... the stickier, the better. For

80 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

some reason Jell-O, cake and pudding mixes are
especially vulnerable. I can even tell you the
most commonly discarded flavors: lemon cake,
lime and pineapple Jell-O, pistachio pudding.

You know the little "bargain" carts in stores
featuring "odd" items? If you're on a tight
budget you've probably picked through these
carts many times, hoping for a steal. (By the
way, I notice plenty of dented cans. The man-
agement doesn't worry about a lawsuit from the
family of some "fruit cocktail oxide" victim.)
Ever notice how that cart sometimes becomes
"cleaned out?" Well, after the manager takes his
pick the unsalable stuff goes in the trash. How
has the stuff "changed" twixt the cart and the
dumpster's lip? It hasn't. Boy, you can find
everything in these situations. Ethnic foods.
Gourmet items. Kosher foods. Toiletries. Dog
food. Grab it and growl.

Stuff In Bottles And Jars

Often I see the remains of broken glass con-
tainers but, naturally, I let 'em be. Contrary to
popular belief, broken glass won’t kill you if in-
gested in small amounts. But I'm not desperate.

Sometimes, however, jars become messy. One
bottle of salad dressing breaks in transit and
messes up the other fifteen bottles. Excellent!
You weren't going to eat the label, anyway.
Sometimes you'll see cans in the same condition,
such as cans of chocolate syrup smeared by an-
other can. What luck! Of course, the substances
don't have to "match." You might find cans of re-
fried beans smeared with pink dishwashing
liquid. Beans tonight! Rim the cans under your
faucet after the meal to save yourself some
dishwashing liquid.

Jars expire, but not as often as other stuff.
Treat jars with "expanding" lids like a bloated
can. By the way, I love those lids which read,
"SAFETY BUTTON POPS UP WHEN ORIGI-
NAL SEAL IS BROKEN." I think a few good
temperature changes will pop those buttons, or
maybe some leave the factory with their little
buttons already popped. In any case, I find
plenty of them and I'm very thankful somebody
is so concerned about safety.

Be careful when you spot jars. The stock boy
hurling stuff in the dumpster isn't worried about
breakage. Wasteful little puke.

If a jar is only cracked, I will remove the con-
tents and wash carefully. You can do this with
large dill pickles, for example, but not a jar of
salad dressing. So pour something like that
through a fine mesh strainer. I won't knock my-
self out like this over a $1.50 jar of salad dress-
ing, but I'll certainly do it for a quart of stuffed
olives. Ever price those things? I refuse to pay
that kind of money. So I dive the stuff. Exercise
care and common sense and WATCH OUT FOR
GLASS.

Meat — Need I Say More?

Ever held a big ol' steak in your hands and
wished to God you could afford to purchase it?
Heck, ever held hamburger in your hands and
felt that way? Well, I can afford steaks, chops
and hamburger because I save a big chunk of
my food budget dumpster diving.

Steaks or hamburgers are very rare... no pirn
intended. But it's not so unusual to find bologna,
hot dogs, breakfast sausages and other "cheap"
meats. This usually means one of two things:
some manager had an attack of conscience or a
health inspector dropped by the store, acting
fussy. Hey, maybe I called him. But I always
play the game fair and only make legitimate
complaints about flagrant violations.

Usually, meat which thaws accidentally is
simply refrozen and allowed to become "freezer
burned." People buy the stuff all the time. You
have probably purchased some.

Naturally, you don't want to eat rotten meat.
But you have more leeway than you think. Ever
hunt deer? How long was it from the time you
shot the deer until the meat was refrigerated? A
day? Longer? I know plenty of people who hang
a dead deer in their basement a few days to let
the meat "age." So don't be a wimp. Grab that
meat and get it to a cold place with all due haste.
Don't run lights or act as though you're rushing
a human organ somewhere — just ice the meat
down as soon as you reasonably can.

The "Big Three" Dumpster Hot Spots 81

Once, Slash and I found almost fifty packs of
turkey franks sitting outside on a hot summer
night. We dug deep, deep in our frugal pockets
for some of that money we earned selling alumi-
num cans, selling frogs to bait stores, and inde-
pendent junk sales. We pooled our change and
had just enough to buy a few blocks of ice at a
convenience store.

"It's worth it," I assured Jed. "This is almost a
hundred bucks worth of meat!"

Jed had forked over the majority of the cash.
When you're thirteen, a few bucks still seems
like a lot.

"Think Dad'll pay us back?" Jed asked, hope-
fully.

"Jed," I told him, "If he doesn't, he doesn't. But
think about this. This is meat. This is like bring-
ing home a bunch of turkeys. You don't mind
kicking in money for ammunition, do you?"

Dad always made us buy our own ammuni-
tion so we'd learn to be frugal. Of course, he had
to purchase the ammo for us. So much for the
right to bear arms.

"I guess not," Jed sighed.

"We're providing for the family," I told Jed.

"You're right!” Jed said, straightening his
shoulders and putting a grim expression on his
young face.

However, I ran interference for Jed. When we
arrived home I cornered Dad and explained how
Jed had willingly contributed to our effort, de-
spite the fact he rarely had much money. Dad
nodded and called Jed into the room. He pulled
a $10 bill out of his billfold and gave it to Jed.

"You two split that according to how you
bought the ice,” Dad said.

"That's..." Jed hesitated. "That's three times
what we paid for the ice."

"Forget it, Jedediah," Dad said. "You're saving
us a bundle."

All this might seem quite weird to a child psy-
chologist, but we thought this was a wonderful
lesson in personal responsibility. We were a
happy pair of divers that night.

Once, my mom found five huge steaks behind
Jerry's, neatly wrapped in butcher's paper and
concealed in a box. This was the first example
we ever saw of employee theft using dumpsters.
Over the years I have seen many more examples,
often involving alcohol. These are lucky inter-
ceptions with little skill involved. But, if you
dive long enough, it happens. But meat is a good
source of bacteria, so be careful. Eat those steaks
WELL DONE, even if you prefer rare.

Honest injun, you’ll rarely find good cuts of
meat in dumpsters. You will frequently find
trimmings of fat and gristle. Fat is useful in
making homemade soap, lard and so forth. I
find all the soap I need in hotel and residential
dumpsters, so why bother? You may find some
good cuts for your dog, however.

Miscellaneous Items... Delightful Dumpster
Surprises

Of course, grocery stores sell non-food items.
Toilet paper, for example, laundry soap, tam-
pons, brooms and mops. Drugs. Many of these
things don't expire and people in the store will
grab these items if damaged. Though not often,
you will find this stuff. Treat with a case-by-
case, common sense approach.

Once I dumpster dived behind a store that
had been "sealed" for several weeks due to an
IRS seizure. The store sold mostly household
items, but there was candy at the cash registers
for "impulse" buyers. The Infernal Revenue
Service, in its finite wisdom, let all that candy go
stale. (This was the same dive where I found all
that Crunch 'n' Munch.) Candy is a rare find be-
hind grocery stores, but it happens. Use in
recipes or make "smores." Eat when nothing else
is available. Stale candy is better than no candy
at all.

82 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Once we found several boxes of cheese in
pressurized cans. The nozzles were inoperable
and we couldn't get the cheese out. Bekka sug-
gested putting the cans in a vise. We covered the
cans with a few layers of towels and opened
them in this manner. It was exciting and fun, a
sort of cheesy bomb squad. That was the only
time we used this manner of opening pressur-
ized cans. But creative problem solving and
imaginative application is useful for any dump-
ster diver.

Spirits are extremely rare. So, for that matter, is
soda. Sometimes, however, you'll find a few
two-liter bottles with ice crystals, or a messed up
container. And you'll sometimes find a "half
can" of soda. This is a can which was not filled
completely at the plant. I've only observed this,
so far, in soda cans. The first time I found such a
can I expected it to be filled with "bad" soda,
maybe even cola syrup. But it was filled with
common cola.

And what a convenient serving size!

Areas behind a business are full of equipment. Stick to the
dumpster and don't bother the other property.

You will often see shelving components, milk
crates and other equipment near dumpster
areas. Leave it be unless it has obviously been
discarded. Some shelving units are so product-
specific that it's tough to find any practical home
use. Once we found a unit which consisted of

cubbyholes the size of a bread box. We used it
for our chickens to roost. But most shelving
units are useless, though they appear valuable at
first glance.

This is sort of weird and personal, but here
goes: it gives me a rush to see commercial bric-a-
brac in a down and dirty survival context. For
example, when I see cardboard shacks in the
Mexican colonias, I always feel a little rush when
I see the word "Pringles," or "THIS SIDE UP," or
"IBM." It's so... post-apocalyptic. So that shelving
unit in the chicken coop always gave me a small
charge, and I get a rush from burning wooden
crates with produce trademarks stamped on the
ends.

You see, commercial products are constantly
hyped, creating little "recognition centers" in our
heads. So, when you walk down a busy street or
store aisle familiar products seem to leap at you
screaming, "Buy me!" But seeing the product in a
compost-splattered "no bull" context is like
mental anti-toxin. You see the product leap out
at you and think, "Our hogs like that!" You be-
gin to feel layer upon layer of artificiality
stripped away as you peer in dumpsters and use
what you find.

Burning crates... oh, yes. Grocery store dump-
sters usually contain discarded wooden produce
boxes. These make excellent firewood, and you
can pick these crates up by the truckload. (This
makes a good cover story, too.) The main com-
ponent of these boxes is often pine, so clean your
chimney regularly. The boxes that are part
wood, part wire are not good for burning but
excellent for transporting fowl, rabbits or other
small stock. You can pick up wooden bushel
baskets, also, which are great for storing pro-
duce over the winter.

Hit those grocery stores regularly. They are
excellent dives. Don't forget "no frills" ware-
house food stores, "members only" buying clubs,
natural food stores, etc. GO WHERE THE FOOD
IS!

The "Big Three" Dumpster Hot Spots 83

Tons of wooden crates are discarded behind grocery
stores, and these are suitable for firewood. Also pictured,
a shelving unit which may be useful
in a basement or garage.

#3 On The Best Diving List... Bookstores

I love to read and collect books, so my listing
shows a distinct bias. But books can be con-
verted to cash or bartered, and bookstores dis-
card a lot of material. Hit 'em at the end of the
week for news magazines, and the end of the
month for monthly magazines. Actually, the end
of the month is a good time for most dumpsters,
commercial and residential.

You’ll find plenty of books which were heav-
ily hyped but didn't sell so many copies. Flea
market dealers will often give you ten to twenty
cents apiece, but try not to dump more than a
dozen copies on 'em at one time. Go to more
than one dealer if you can. You're better off
trading the books to the dealer for something
you can use like a piece of furniture or a few
good hardcover books. These people hate to part
with cash but often relish a good trade.

Hea market dealers are fully aware of the
"gray market" nature of these books, and many
used bookstores won't touch the things.
Anything with a cover is like gold, however.
Take "classics" to a campus book buyer first.
Once I found a whole box of classics, including
stuff like The Trojan Women. The books were

dusty, as though they had been sitting in storage
for years. I checked the titles with the book
buyer on a hunch. I obtained 50tf to a buck
apiece, enough to buy two expensive texts (used,
of course) for my own classes.

Lately, I've seen a few books which contain a
front page saying, "WARNING: THIS BOOK IS
NOT TO BE SOLD WITHOUT ITS COVER. IF
COVERLESS, THIS BOOK SHOULD BE CON-
SIDERED STOLEN PROPERTY." Yeah, right.
This fills me with the same spine-tingling fear I
get from the "FBI WARNING" at the front of my
videotape copies. Ooooh, I'm shaking. Rip that
one lonely page out of the book and start your
fireplace with it.

Don't forget to flip through the books and
look for stuff like mail-in cards for cigarettes.
When you notice a mail-in card in a paperback
or magazine, mail in at least half a dozen for
your wife, kids, dog, etc. Send to your friends,
also, and people in prison for tax evasion.

So improve your mind... dive a bookstore
dumpster. Good luck with all the "top three."

The "Lucky Seven" Dive Spots 85

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Chapter 8

The "Lucky Seven" Dive Spots

Don’t just dive the mall across the street.
Branch out, expand, keep looking for new hot
spots. Dumpster diving is like fine wine. Sure,
we have one or two favorite vintages. But it’s
always delightful to sample something new,
perhaps to find another favorite.

Discount Stores

Discount stores such as K-Mart throw out a
lot of packaging and certainly aren't as hot as
grocery stores, where stuff expires regularly.
Discards at these stores depend almost entirely
on damage. It's a diverse mix from week to week
with few clear patterns. You'll find paint, cos-
metics, small appliances and household items,
and "broken” toys to name only a few. (You
know what "broken" toys are — new toys after a
week.) You may obtain potted plants, stuff suit-
able for building materials, even small amounts
of snack food.

Those times when you really are looking for
nice clean boxes, bubble wrap, styrofoam pea-
nuts, etc., these dumpsters are a good bet. I
know the owner of a small mailing service who
saves money by salvaging these materials. He
offered me cash to obtain these materials for

him, but his offer wasn't enough. If I had been
thirteen, however, I would have jumped at it.
Here's a great opportunity for kids to obtain
spending money.

Frankly, it's not worth my time or dignity to
tear through a dumpster looking for cans I can
sell for 20C to 25c a pound. However, it's nice to
know that if I were in serious financial straits I
could still obtain small amounts of cash in this
manner.

Having mentioned kids and discount store
dumpsters, this is a good place to mention
"bogus loot." As I said before, the lean and hun-
gry dumpster diver senses the potential of dis-
carded objects. Some stuff has "false potential."
Kids are especially vulnerable to this. As a teen-
ager I often grabbed stuff because it looked
"neato." False teeth, for example, and used busi-
ness ledgers, headless stuffed raccoons and
whole boxes of empty film canisters. After a
while, I would realize the stuff was basically
useless.

Oh, given a decade I could probably find
some clever application. But, sooner or later,
even a brilliant dumpster diver will grab some-

86 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

thing that serves no purpose in the near future
and only clutters his life. Food and reading ma-
terial serve an obvious function, but what about
a couple busted clock radios? You can cut the
cords off and sell by the pound to a scrap dealer.
You can give the clock radios to your genius
child for his amusement. You might fix the
things or trade to a small appliance repairman.
(Talented people like this are as rare as talking
dolphins.) So, even though a broken clock radio
may seem "neato" at first glance, the applica-
tions are actually quite limited.

Slash and I made a snowmobile sled from the
hood of a '56 Chevy, insulated the walls of our
hog house with bubble wrap, and used depart-
ment store dummies to drive the local swine
patrol insane. But even innovative lads like
Slash and me would sometimes grab something
useless like a giant cardboard Easter Bunny or a
crate of empty aerosol cans. So we’d bum the
stuff to keep warm, shoot holes in it or discard
it. Discount stores often contain "neato" pieces of
store displays. But the only thing giant card-
board figures are good for is decorating a kiddie
clubhouse or starting your fireplace. A word to
the wise.

Here's a handy tip: Want to provide your little
ones with hours of fun and save yourself a
bundle? Give your kids a giant cardboard box at
playtime. Kids love big boxes. Bubble wrap with
giant bubbles is fun, too, but don't let them wrap
it around their heads. Slice the stuff in manage-
able chunks. People are warned constantly that
plastic bags will suffocate children, damage
their brain cells, etc. If you're worried about
your child's brain cells then yank 'em out of
those damned public schools. THAT'S brain
damage. THAT turns people into vegetables.

Teach your kids how to dumpster dive, how
to do things. Go to the discount stores and obtain
the best discount of all — GET IT FREE!

Candy Stores — A Sweet Deal

A little candy goes a long way, making candy
stores an extremely good dive. For really great
hauls, dive these places after Christmas, Easter

and Halloween. Valentine's Day has potential,
too. The stores can't sell all those heart, bunny
and Santa-shaped candies at 50% off.

One problem I often encounter is that plastic
wrappers will adhere stubbornly to sticky
candy. Attempting to peel this stuff off with
your fingernails is time consuming if you are
making, say, caramel apples. I've had good luck
dipping this stuff in boiling water for several
seconds and then scraping the melted candy off
with a small spatula. Hold the rubber end of the
spatula in your hands like a stone tool for better
control. Kids can often be enlisted in the tedious
process of peeling the packaging off sticky
candy. If they are little and can't help them-
selves, let them eat as much as they like and
make the candy the next day. If you have a dog
WATCH OUT when doing sorting of this type.
They’ll dive into that pile of sticky plastic and
graze. But remember that a little piece of paper
or plastic in your food won't kill you.

For a great dumpster treat, toast stale marsh-
mallows and sandwich them between revital-
ized cookies or graham crackers with small
pieces of stale chocolate. This chocolate will taste
relatively fresh when melted, so break in pieces
small enough to melt instantly when you slap
that hot marshmallow between the cookies.
Bum pine crates with apple or peach scent for
atmosphere. Read a salvaged kiddie book to
your children or work on an artsy project with
dumpster dived materials. This is real quality
time.

Seldom do I think to myself, "Why, I dump-
ster dived everything at this table!" Nor do I set
out to create all-dumpster projects, meals or de-
cor. Rather, I smoothly incorporate dumpster
goodies into my life. But sometimes I do look
around and say, "Wow... I've got a lot of great
stuff!" I look in my wallet and note that extra ten
or twenty. I think for a moment where I ob-
tained the shirt I'm wearing. And, while I don't
have any children, I know it made my parents
feel good to watch me, Bekka and Jed eating
fresh fruit, meat and candy that would normally
cost a limb and a vital organ.

The "Lucky Seven" Dive Spots 87

The other day I watched a woman on televi-
sion bitching about the bad economy. She said it
broke her heart when her kids asked for candy
and she had none to give. Only the previous
week I had found enough butterscotch candy to
last three months, not to mention two dozen
rolls of Lifesavers. The lady on television lived
only a mile from the dumpster in question.

"Tsk, tsk," I said.

This wasn't pity or sarcasm... I was sucking on
a piece of butterscotch.

Often you’ll find bulk candy discarded in
cardboard boxes, all mixed together. Put that
candy in an airtight container even if it’s stale.
There are, after all, levels of staleness. If you
have a large amount of candy a clean plastic
trash bag can work, too. Enjoy in moderation.

Wholesale Florist Dumpsters

Wholesale florists will allow you
to carry on multiple romances.

Small florists buy their blooms from
wholesale florists, who receive their goods from
growers and/or middlemen. Flowers are even
more perishable than fruits or vegetables. Plenty
of stores will sell a small or oddly-shaped

cucumber, and plenty of customers will buy one,
despite the paranoia about "perfection." But
would you purchase a blemished long-stemmed
red rose? A less-than-fresh carnation? The
dumpsters behind this business are bursting
with ever-so-slightly wilted roses, smaller-than-
average carnations, depressed daises and other
flora. You will often find flowerpots, vines,
potted plants, and in some cases even seeds and
small ready-to-plant bushes and trees. Raid
those large nurseries and florist shops, too. A
dumpster diver's table should always contain a
lovely floral arrangement.

Of course, clever dumpster diving dudes in-
terested in the opposite sex will quickly grasp
the concept of converting flowers into romance.
For example, the day after Valentine's Day, I, a
lowly college "frosh," presented a lovely senior
lady with 144 long-stemmed red roses. That's a
dozen dozen.

We've obtained so many small trees from
nurseries that we have planted a virtual forest in
our rural township. After we filled our orchard
with trees we planted isolated spots around our
favorite hunting areas. Naturally, these baby
trees are in bad shape, dried out or damaged by
rough handling. About 25% survive after plant-
ing, even with care. But have you ever tried to
buy fruit trees? Or flowering bushes? Plant
enough fruit trees and you may be able to give
up dumpster diving. Not that you would want
to, of course.

Naturally, the days before and after Arbor
Day are hot around tree nurseries.

Ornamental vines and potted plants are fre-
quently discarded. These require only a bit of
tender loving care to flourish. It's hard to believe
"plant people" would do these horrible things to
plants, but plenty of people work in jobs they
actually hate. You should see the books I find
behind libraries and the dead animals behind
pet stores. Sick. Post-dumpster survival of potted
plants varies considerably, but 80% is about
average. You can find almost as many potted
plants in residential areas.

88 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

This is just my view, but I hate to see living
plants in dumpsters. Things that grow from the
earth should go back to the earth, not to the
landfill with all the plastic and chemicals. So,
whenever I see a plant I grab it. If I don't want
the plant, can't trade it and don’t feel it can be
saved, I plant it on a vacant lot. Once I returned
to find a wilted, sad little vine had virtually
colonized the lot. This gives me a feeling of one-
ness with the earth.

By the way, what good are a hundred wilted
roses? Make potpourri. By the way, the flowers
you obtain will last longer if you trim the stems
before putting them in water.

Toy and Novelty Stores

There's more to be found in these places than
heart-shaped handcuffs. Toys are obscenely ex-
pensive, and even broken toys are plenty of fun.
After a toy machine-gun no longer makes a pop!
pop! sound, it is still a useful toy. Toy trucks that
no longer spin their wheels are hours of fun in
the sandpile, anyway. Do yourself and your
children a favor — stop buying new toys and feel
good. Dive toys in dumpsters! Don't be a slave to
a Madison Avenue guilt trip.

Toy stores are wonderful places from a dump-
ster diving perspective. There are always
"display" toys being handled in a brutal manner,
boxes tom open by eager little hands, heavily
hyped items selling poorly in a subjective and
emotion-charged atmosphere. Of course, plenty
of toys and novelties have a limited shelf life —
such as Halloween costumes and toy Easter
bunnies. Toys are seldom sturdy and frequently
composed of little parts which disappear into an
alternate universe. A dumpster diver who con-
sistently dives these dumpsters will eventually
acquire enough bike parts to construct a ten
speed. Certainly, you will find a fixable trike for
your little one. Unlike food, a few toys go a long
way.

Use a common sense approach, and get your
children involved in the process. If you see a
teddy bear losing his stuffing, sew him up. My

mom would don a pretend surgical mask and let
Bekka and me watch as she "operated" on in-
jured stuffed animals. She was a miraculous
surgeon, reattaching limbs and eyes good as
new. The "patient" would be conscious the
whole time, numbed with pretend medicine,
commenting hopefully on the procedure.

Be careful when you acquire these toys, or
ANY toys for that matter. Look for sharp edges,
loose parts, and any other possible hazard. And
remember, kids see toys differently than adults.
My GI Joe was a real American hero, because he
never allowed his missing arm to affect his life.
To the horror of their parents, the Kietzer twins
modified their new GI Joe figures accordingly.
Tea sets don't have to match, toys can be dented
or scratched and still be fun. Little Jed had so
many toy guns that we called his room "the
armory." When his (weird) little buddies came
over to play, they had several guns apiece and
real pieces of army uniforms. Playtime would
culminate with the firing of actual rifles under
the close supervision of my dad.

Liberate yourself from an expensive guilt trip
— dive those toy store dumpsters for your kids
or to acquire salable items for yourself.

Restaurants, Fast Food — Down And Dirty
Diving Opportunities

So, let’s just say it: dumpsters at food places
are somewhat disgusting. But the payoff can be
big.

Think fast food. Burger places and fried chicken
places make food which sits on the hot rack,
awaiting customers. After twenty minutes to
half an hour it is discarded. Pizza places mess
up an order, then toss it in the trash.

Here's the key at burger and chicken places:
find out what that bag under the front counter
looks like. Plenty of places use a small white bag
in the front and big black bags in the back. Use
any ruse to get a look at that bag. Peer through
the door that leads behind the counter. Roll your
child's toy ball behind the counter and rush

The "Lucky Seven " Dive Spots 89

around, apologetically, to retrieve it. Get a look
at the bag!

Fast food places with hot racks have three
distinct categories of garbage: A.) Customer
crap. All those empty drink cups, half-eaten
burgers, french fry boxes, etc. Too much sorting
unless your hogs are starving. B.) Kitchen crap.
Mountains of coffee grounds, plastic pouches of
shake mix, cardboard containers, etc. Sometimes
you'll get lucky and find a bag of buns or
something. C.) HOT RACK TREASURE!
Comprising roughly 5% of the discarded stuff,
this is what you seek.

It's not impossible to find, but it's not easy.
Your task is made harder by the security fences
many fast food places have erected. Explaining
your presence inside a security fence is no pic-
nic. So check out every fast food place until you
find one without a security fence, or with an un-
secured entry like a simple latch. That dumpster
is your baby.

All you have to do is find that bag. Visualize it.
It's slightly heavier than most bags in relation to
its degree of "fullness!” It contains boxes and
boxes of burgers, loose french fries, maybe a cof-
fee filter or discarded straw wrappers. Believe in
the bag.

Once you locate it, the rest is easy. Toss those
burgers in the microwave or warm them in the
oven. Scrape off lettuce and tomatoes, as these
veggies become limp and tasteless. Replace with
fresh dumpster dived toppings. Try to salvage
some of the fries by carefully lifting them out of
the fry boxes, salvaging what you can. Fried
chicken is usually dried out and turns to leather
with rewarming. Scrape the meat (including the
breading) off the bones and make cream of
chicken. Serve over dumpster dived toast. Deli-
cious!

When you become proficient you'll have a
surplus of burgers or chicken. Salvage the meat,
put it in bags and freeze for a rainy day.

Or a snowy day. Reminds me of a story. As a
freshman I used to do a lot of my homework at a

local burger place. They had a "free refills" pol-
icy on soda and coffee, so I would just sit there
all day with my study partners and do my
homework. Well, one day a severe winter storm
hit the state like a big white wall. Businesses in
"College Town" closed early so people could
make their way home. I watched a steady
stream of customers flock through the burger
place — then business became dead abruptly as
the storm hit.

"What are you staring at?" Rhoda, a rich
friend, asked.

I was staring at the hot rack, transfixed.

"All that food!" I answered.

Right then an employee came along and be-
gan to clear the hot rack. I watched him toss
dozens of burgers in a plastic bag, then grab the
bag and disappear with it.

"Gimme your car keys!" I said to Rhoda.

She handed me the keys with a quizzical
look. I ran out the door and saw the employee
toss the heavy bag in the dumpster. That bag
wasn't it in the dumpster more than a few sec-
onds when I ran up and snatched it. I made my
way through the blowing snow to Rhoda's car
and locked the bag in the trunk.

"Let's go home!" I said, going back inside.

My dorm was just across the street. We could
walk across and leave the car until the storm
blew out of town.

"Why?" Rhoda asked.

"I found something!" I said.

Rhoda knew what that meant. And she
quickly connected my disappearance to the
empty food rack.

"You went and grabbed those burgers from
the trash?" she hissed.

90 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

I nodded vigorously. She smiled.

"You going to give those burgers to your
friends under the bridge?" she asked.

"What friends?" I answered.

"You mean you’re going to eat that stuff?" she
asked. "What about the homeless people who
dig through that dumpster?"

"Do they come knocking on my door offering
to share with me?" I asked.

"But ...!" she was aghast with upperclass guilt.
"But you have more than they do!"

"Does your father come knocking on my door,
offering to share with me?"

"That's different!" she said. "How will the
world become better if we don't help people
who can't provide for themselves?"

"Are you going to keep spreading Marxism or
are you going to help me eat some burgers?"

Rhoda considered this for a moment. She
could probably pull out her checkbook and buy
that burger place, but she was always chasing
down new insights among the downtrodden.
Like many people who inherit large amounts of
money, Rhoda was searching for a connection
with the so-called "real" world. Whenever she
gained some sort of working class insight she
would write down her thoughts on expensive
stationary, keeping the papers in an attractive
leather portfolio. Once, against her instructions,
I peeked in the notebook. I wanted to see if she
was learning anything from me.

"Slopping hogs and plucking chickens," I read,
in an elegant, flowing hand.

"This will help her run daddy's empire," I
thought.

Because Rhoda considered me a source of rare
experiences, she treated me rather like a person
from a primitive culture: if my customs offended

her, she was willing to endure it in exchange for
a learning experience.

"I’ll help you eat the burgers," she said, pack-
ing up her books.

And, as it turned out, she ate more than me.

Burger places are an area where "interception"
can be an important factor. During my senior
year of college "Scott" worked at that same bur-
ger place. When he carried out the "hot" bag he
would mark it with an indelible marker and toss
it in the upper right comer. His clever little
"Burger Boyz" costume had no pockets, so Scott
carried the laundry marker in his sock.

Late at night I would raid the dumpster and
grab the bag. If I had been caught and forcibly
detained I would have kept my mouth shut
about Scott's role. Scott and I would split the
burgers and have a feast. Every few weeks I
would bring home frozen bags of hamburger,
fish and chicken to my parents. Scott would use
the money he saved on food to purchase beer.

This basic "interception” method, with subtle
variations, can be used at any business. The key
is to be the one who takes out the trash. Jump in and
lend a hand until that's your job. When my
brother worked as a grocery store stock boy (oh,
the irony!) he would use this same trick. When
he had a huge stash, or knew of one, he’d call
home and talk to a family member. "How's El-
mer?" meant a personalized delivery in the right
comer. "How's Bipper Bunny?" meant we'd have
to hop all over to find the stash. Asking about
both pets, of course, meant both types of loot.

This simple system worked to perfection and
never grew more elaborate. The manager, by the
way, was very impressed with Jed's willingness
to keep the stock rotated and his touching con-
cern for his pets. Jed was voted Employee of the
Month and Employee of the Quarter, receiving
$50 and a plaque both times.

Jed might have made Employee of the Year if
our family had ever purchased groceries. The
manager was always lamenting the fact Jed's

The "Lucky Seven" Dive Spots 91

family never came by the store. Little did he
know Jed was sometimes flinging boxes of chow
right in our hands, acting like he didn't know us.
Jed kept the stock rotated daily. A dented can or
expired milk carton was not to be found any-
where in the store on Jed's watch.

Back to dumpsters behind food places. Go to
quality restaurants and grab the bags that make
"squishy" sounds or feel extremely heavy. The
places don't need to be expensive so long as they
don't use disposable cups and tableware. Such
places produce C-R-A-P. It's not worth the time
it takes to sort unless, as I said before, your hogs
are starving and no alternative is available.

WATCH OUT for broken plates and glasses.
Pick through the hog chow with thick gloves.
Smash up the broken chinaware (NOT glass)
and toss it around for chickens. This aids their
digestion. Pull out the large, jagged pieces and
don't sweat the small stuff you can't see.

But DON'T allow hogs to eat raw pork. This
can give healthy hogs more problems with
worms than they currently experience.

I feel so much better about slaughtering hogs
when I know the animals had a short, happy life
feasting on oysters Rockefeller, pizza, pasta,
chicken, burgers and all manner of produce.
And it gives me a cheap thrill to watch our hogs
eating sirloin and shrimp while people on t.v.
bitch about their grocery bill. We give the pork-
ers names like "Taco John," "Sheraton the Swine”
and "Angelo" so they remember who is butter-
ing their dinner rolls.

In regard to HUMAN chow: eateries don’t
throw out "good" food like grocery stores. A
store can't sell bruised, soft melons but a restau-
rant will trim and utilize "bad" produce without
blinking. But plenty of good things can be ob-
tained if you're there at the right moment.
Brown bananas, for example, and broccoli stalks.
Bread ends, neatly wrapped in plastic bags. And
lots and lots of stale dinner rolls.

Check these places after a major power out-
age. (One that lasts a while, as opposed to one

that is widespread.) Grocery stores usually have
better emergency measures because of their
huge, valuable inventories. I swear, I have found
filet mignon like this, five gallon buckets of ice
cream, and other goodies too numerous to
name. But the best approach with eating places
is to hit the fast food joints and look for the "hot
bag."

Behind restaurants, you'll find plenty of dis-
carded five gallon buckets. These are containers
for such goodies as salad dressing, tartar sauce
and other condiments, various syrups, even
pickles. The buckets are sturdy and fantastically
useful on a farm. I've seen them sold for a buck
apiece at flea markets.

Collect the buckets and use a spatula to scrape
out a pint or so of salad dressing from each
bucket. Wash and use the buckets. I like to leave
the labels on the buckets and particularly like
the ones with brand names stamped on the
plastic. But that's me. Many of the buckets will
retain the aroma of their original contents even
after careful washing. I consider this a bonus.
These buckets are excellent for long-term storage
needs. Remember to grab the covers, too. You
can also find many produce crates behind res-
taurants.

Quality restaurants and hotels which use
"chafing dishes" at banquet functions throw out
lots of stemo containers, as well as other types of
"canned heat." Frequently, these are only half-
used. You can use "as is" or take out the fuel.
Drain the ones which contain alcohol or extract
the solid "canned heat." The waxy blue canned
heat is so pretty that Slash and I just hold it up
to the light and say, "Wow...!" Don’t smoke
while you do this.

If homeless people are in the area, they will
compete vigorously for this canned heat. The
stuff is a great survivalist item, and if I were
homeless I'd find a big hotel and dive for the
stuff. As it is. I've used the stuff on my adoles-
cent bike trips.

Eatery dumpsters are messy, but with luck
and skill you can experience excellent pay-offs.

92 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Residential Areas — The Ultimate Dive

You haven't really experienced dumpster
thrills until you've dived residential. Other
dumpsters are more reliable, or produce bigger
bonanzas, but for sheer variety and fun you
can't beat thy neighbor's dumpster.

Ultimately, everything in our society is pro-
duced for consumers. And, sooner or later, most
of this stuff is discarded. Even things made for
specialized business applications — like uni-
forms, copies of NASA Tech Briefs, and sets of
law books — end up in residential dumpsters.
Sometimes I am awed at the incredible journey
these items made before ending up in my eager
hands: for example, Chilean abalone canned in
Hong Kong, sold in San Francisco (judging by
the receipts) and then discarded on the U.S.-
Mexico border.

Plenty of stuff in residential areas can scarcely
be found anywhere else. Clothing, for example. I
haven't mentioned clothing stores because these
places seldom discard anything but boxes and
hangers. If they want to dispose of unsaleable
clothing they sell it back to bulk clothing buyers.
If you want clothing — go residential.

These dumpsters are delightfully personal.
You'll find mail, private personal papers, pho-
tos, discarded credit cards, unused checks and
ID, books, magazines, furniture and household
items. You'll find an amazing amount of usable
food. You will find this week's copy of
Newsweek, potted plants, working appliances
and whole boxes of half-used toiletry items.

And, of course, plenty of crapola. Kitty litter.
Used diapers. Snot filled tissues. Empty cans,
cartons, and pizza boxes. But that's no big deal
thanks to "trash segregation." A box of paper-
backs might be right next to a bag of disgusting
crap... but the twain shall never meet. Buck up
and dive.

Middle class neighborhoods are best. Working
class and upper class neighborhoods can be
good dives, if the working class neighborhoods

are tidy and the upper class neighborhoods lack
xenophobic security forces. Get your classes
straight, too. Plenty of working class stiffs fancy
that they are "middle class" just because they
made cannery line supervisor. Plenty of upper
class people who own controlling interest in a
bank fancy they are "just middle class folks try-
ing to make a living." Yeah, gimme a break.

Working people discard a surprising amount
of good stuff, but don't bother with crappy-
looking neighborhoods unless the dumpster is
on your way. Rich people throw out surpris-
ingly little good stuff, but it was probably
frugality which made them upper class. What
you do find is worth the effort. This is a glimpse
at the "lifestyles of the rich and famous" which
few people ever see. Does she or doesn't she?
Only the dumpster diver knows for sure.
(Answer: She does. And often.)

Quality and content vary wildly from week to
week, neighborhood to neighborhood, dumpster
to dumpster, even from bag to bag. Currently, I
live in a neighborhood with lots of military
people. I frequently find specialized army
manuals, pieces of gear, even MREs. A
neighborhood only a few blocks away is full of
retired people. As these old folks die I find piles
of discarded "junk," including 1920s costume
jewelry, old cans, vintage clothing and interest-
ing documents. Some junk! Many people have
paid good prices for my dumpster pickings in
some high-priced places.

The best time to dive residential dumpsters is
when people are moving out. When you spot a
moving van, start skulking. Frequently, how-
ever, people are moving with no visible indica-
tions that this is taking place. You’ll know when
you find the stuff in the dumpsters. Here’s a tip:
when you find discarded mops and brooms, tear
open every hag in the dumpster. Plenty of people
moving from a rental facility will buy and then
discard mops and brooms. Often, it’s tough to
tell the difference between moving, and ambi-
tious cleaning/remodeling projects or death
(which is a kind of move). Other things like a job
change, child leaving home or change in marital
status produce a lot of good junk. Every day

The "Lucky Seven" Dive Spots 93

people make little changes that produce good
discards and interesting trash.

Once, I found so much good stuff and so
many highly personal articles that I wondered,
"Did this young lady die?" The stuff included
photograph albums and diaries dating back to
the age of seven. There were more than a few
sexually explicit photos and old appointment
slips for an abortion clinic. I figured out very
quickly that this young lady was a self-critical
over-achiever who dated abusive young men.
There was even one old letter which began, "I
know you're wondering why the return address
on the letter says, 'Steve.' Well, the answer is that
my grandmother is going to let me stay here and
go to school and pretend I'm Steve until every-
thing cools off back in D — County. So how are
you? Sorry I didn't write or anything but I was
kind of keeping a low profile."

Fascinating stuff. I looked through it for hours,
drinking some fine Earl Grey tea I discovered in
the top part of the box. No, the young lady had
not died. But I found out she had made a serious
suicide attempt only days after discarding most
of her life (including several books of blank
checks!).

Now, if I knew thousands of intimate details
about a depressed, confused young lady WHAT
could I do with that information? Many, many
times I have found out the damnedest things
digging through somebody's trash and won-
dered, "What could I do with this?" A more
ruthless person would pose as a dashing young
man with psychic abilities. A more ruthless per-
son would urge his wife or girlfriend to dye her
hair, get some glasses and start passing around
a lot of bad paper.

I'm not that ruthless. But it amazes me that
people seem to think tossing stuff in a dumpster
is some final act, like hurling it in a volcano, as
though human eyes will never glimpse the stuff
again. Many times I glimpse those wild little
secrets and wonder to myself what I could do
with a Mexican voter's card, an Electric Com-
pany identity badge, and so forth. I even found
some sort of Satanic get-up one time, and a

pouch from a bank another time. Some really
great practical jokes begin to materialize in my
mind when I find such things.

Dumpster dived forms of ID, credit cards and checks
dived over the course of a few months.

Skulk big, nice apartment complexes with high
turnover. My own apartment complex is full of
military officers and the lease has a liberal
military "escape" clause. The city is a "buyer's
market" for housing, with people moving often.
That's hog heaven.

The process of moving mysteriously trans-
forms people into idiots. They take everything in
their fridge and toss it out. They toss out the
stuff in their pantries. They throw out whole
boxes of soap, shampoo and medicine, some of it
never opened. Finding neat stuff like Valium is
rare, but it happens. You can find unopened
rolls of bathroom tissue and even boxes of un-
used diapers. I've found dinette sets missing one
chair, spice racks missing one or two jars of
spice, couches with a ripped cushion, flashlights
with dead batteries, you name it. Half the
clothing I find comes in bags or boxes washed and
folded. This never fails to amaze me. People
throw out underwear without taking it out of
the plastic bag. People throw out lots of books,
including a surprising amount of erotic material.
That includes everything from deadly dull
copies of Playboy featuring LaToya Jackson to
specialized cross-racial fetish mags.

94 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Residents often throw away valid credit cards.
These cards often have one month left before
expiration, so I conclude the individual just re-
ceived a new card. Forms of ID can be found
frequently in discarded boxes of "odds and
ends." I believe crime doesn’t pay, but I often
find myself utilizing a fake "student discount,"
park pass or other small perks. And, of course, I
can't help saving forms of ID, blank checks and
credit cards. It's nice to have something to fall
back upon in an uncertain world. I've found
every form of employee ID imaginable, pass-
ports, drivers licenses, medical insurance cards,
you name it. I’ve found plenty of credit cards
clipped neatly in half, plenty of credit card re-
ceipts, typeset resumes, completed forms filled
with personal information, letters filled with
interesting tidbits, and so forth. Many of these
belong to dead people.

I admit it... I'm a snoop! I like to pick up a
"story box" and figure out things about people.
Trashy stories can be found everywhere. I call
this "ersatz archeology." I love to find out about
the troubled young woman discharged from the
Navy for psychiatric problems... the compulsive
dieter, bingeing once again... the home based
business that went bankrupt... the woman who
had a baby, lost her figure, and tossed out all her
college textbooks... and much, much weirder
stuff. What is that pair of ballerina slippers
doing with the child porno mags? Why would
somebody throw away a wad of banknotes from
Trinidad? Just how many penpals does this man
have? And why do they always talk about feet?
And, much, much more. Garbage is intensely
human and personal, terribly interesting stuff.

Besides being a snoop. I'm a nut for special-
ized magazines aimed at different professions. I
love to find copies of Restaurants and Institutions
because I know I can send off the mail-in card
and obtain, perhaps, ten pounds of muffin mix
or a can of vegetable oil.

But I also read the American Bar Association
Journal, Physics Today, Police, The Pipeliner,
Journal of the American Medical Association, and
every annual report I can obtain. And I learn the
damnedest things! This is so much more conven-

ient than using the stuff at the library, and more
serendipitous, as it were. Sometimes I find a
whole pile of material that doesn't interest me,
but it may be gold to you. Sometimes I feel SO
strongly about the things I read that I write let-
ters to the editor. Hard to tell if they get pub-
lished — I won't see another issue unless some-
body discards one.

Hardcover books and paperbacks are gold to
me, even if the topics don't interest me. I can
trade copies of romance novels for copies of
Black Powder Digest, Finding and Buying Your
Place In the Country, The Seven Laws of Money,
and so forth. You may prefer to trade those titles
for romance novels. Whatever.

Slash and I once tried to pinpoint good
dumpster dives by reading the obituaries. It
didn't work. Stuff can be tied up in probate for
months before somebody gets control and
promptly discards half the stuff. But if you
know an old recluse in your neighborhood
knock-knock-knocking on heaven's door, keep
your eyes peeled.

Once Jed and I found several boxes of old
school books from the 1800s and a load of
"vintage" clothing. Sometimes you'll spot a lot of
good stuff, load it up, and later figure out that
the resident must have died. All the more reason
to move with efficient haste and to avoid verbal
confrontations.

Residential dumpsters are full of aluminum
beverage cans. People drink more beer and soda
than you can imagine. Often you'll get lucky and
find an aluminum stepladder, screen door or
other aluminum scrap. And, of course, whole
families on the south side of the border make a
living selling aluminum cans. Nowadays, can
collection is not worth my time, but I keep
abreast of developments. Besides aluminum,
dumpsters are full of copper in the form of elec-
trical cords. You can sell these by the pound to
scrap dealers.

It's lovely to watch the change of seasons and
special events in dumpsters. Around Thanksgiv-
ing, you’ll find half-eaten turkeys, perfect for

The "Lucky Seven" Dive Spots 95

your pet when you pick off the meat. Christmas
means the piney scent of discarded trees and
tons of wrapping paper. Wedding showers are
followed by baby showers and dirty diapers.
Clothes are discarded as the seasons change.
People buy new things and throw out old
things. Children outgrow their clothes and toys.
Potted plants wilt under neglect. People die,
people move, styles change, technology moves
forward despite the government, and gradually
people acquire more elaborate televisions. Al-
ways, people eat and throw out tons of packag-
ing crap. But sometimes they get confused and
throw out the food before they've eaten it. Every
now and then somebody throws out something
really good.

Toys picked up in an apartment complex in a single dive.

As I said before. I’m picky about residential
food. It's been through somebody's hands twice,
double the danger of store-discarded food. But
when I find something like a freezer-burned ten
pound turkey, a three pound slab of cheese or a
hunk of smoked sausage I grab it joyfully. I al-
ways grab stuff in cans. Be picky, not paranoid.
Plenty of people throw out good food for dumb
reasons.

Use a common sense approach with discarded
toiletries, pills, detergents, etc. For example, if
you find a half-used roll-on deodorant, carefully
slice off the exposed "used" portion. Save and
use the rest. Clean the end of toothpaste tubes

and squeeze out a bit of paste before using. Use
bottles of shampoo and boxes of detergent "as
is." Handle medications on a case-by-case basis.
Remember, if it's sealed, it's good. If it's unex-
posed to the elements, it's good, too. But beware
of expiration dates with such fragile meds as
antibiotics. Some stuff can turn on you. In the
case of pills in open containers, carefully exam-
ine them before using. After all, you'd use a
Tylenol from a friend, wouldn't you? Think of
residents as your friends, your clean and
friendly pill-dispensing friends.

The problem with most medications isn't
contamination but usefulness. Painkillers and
mood-altering substances aren't as common as
vitamins and diet supplements. Once I had over
thirty pounds of assorted vitamins. Jed would
run his hands through the box and do his Time-
W arped-Pirate-Tums-Narco-Smuggler routine.
Finally, we ground up the vitamins and tried to
fertilize some plants... just as an experiment. The
mixture looked like powdery vomit. The plants
died within a day.

A physician lived in my neighborhood and he
received many "samples" of various medica-
tions. I used to find whole boxes of cough syrup
samples, even strange foreign meds. This
dumpster was so dependable I began to call it
the "Med Box." After a while the doctor relo-
cated and a chronic dieter moved into the vacant
apartment. Whenever she went on a diet she
would throw out most of the food in her house. I
would find unopened boxes of snack food, fro-
zen entrees, half-melted fudge bars, piles of fro-
zen goodies that reminded me of a supermarket
dumpster. Her struggle with food was evident
by such clues as writing on the containers. Some
boxes had the words "NO WAY!" A tightly
sealed jar with electrical tape on the lid had the
words "REAL SUGAR" written on the front. I
once found a whole set of tapes from a nation-
ally-known diet guru. The boxed set of sixteen
tapes (minus two of the "binge" tapes) cost. I'm
told, about sixty bucks. My wife listened to some
of the tapes, found them useful, and promptly
lost fifteen pounds.

96 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Like any professional, dumpster divers de-
velop their own jargon. Jed will tell me, "Hey,
let's hit that dumpster where we found all the
carnations." Pretty soon this is shortened to
"carnation dumpster." A more spectacular find
at a particular location will change or modify
the name. Sometimes we'll talk about our "raids"
or "hits" and our "E.T.A." Don't take yourself too
seriously and don't be afraid to have fun.

Residential dumpsters are so varied in their
content that considerable smarts are needed to
use what you obtain. A good trade network can
help a lot. You may not have any need for blank
prescription pads but this stuff could be ex-
tremely valuable in a barter situation.

Dumpster Diving and Higher Education

I've dumpster dived in campus areas both as
a student and a "townie." In fact, dumpster div-
ing made a vital difference to me while I sought
my degree. Some other dumpster diver may
have a magtia cum laude but I've never met him
or her. More proof that "dumpster diving is like
crime." It’s not that crime is dumb, just that most
criminals are dumb. When I tell you that dump-
ster diving can help you achieve your goals. I’ve
been there and achieved those goals.

As a college student I never bought a pair of
shoes or other clothing except, a few times, at
rummage sales or second hand stores. I never
bought a newspaper in four years of college. I
did buy typing paper a few times when I
couldn’t "liberate" some. However, I never
bought a notebook, pens, paper, paperclips,
staples, or numerous other items. Frequently, I
had a small "stockpile" which I could sell or
trade for other items. I even dumpster dived
sheets of fabric softener which I reused to keep
my laundry "sunshiny fresh."

Let's examine college kids. Lots of college kids
are wasteful little pukoids. Plenty of them have
never worked for a living and don't realize the
value of possessions. They'll cry about the poor
hungry people in Ethiopia, but watch 'em throw
out a whole fridge full of good food.

Obtain class schedules at your local campus
and know when the semesters end. Moving Day
(when the dorms must be vacated) is a few days
later. Spring and Fall Break as well as the be-
ginning of Christmas Vacation are hot, hot
times. You can pick up furniture by the truck-
load. Funny thing is this: you can sell the furni-
ture back to other college students.

You can also pick up textbooks, though only
ten percent of the books can be resold to a text-
book buyer. However, I've made $100 cash
money for twenty minutes work simply by
raiding the trash cans of a dorm full of Arab
students. Even textbooks which have been sub-
sequently updated (and the old edition can't be
resold to a textbook buyer) are useful and worth
a small amount to a used book buyer. Of course,
you may find it useful to have your own text-
books on investment management, biology,
Native American studies, higher mathematics,
etc.

Here's a hot tip: walk into the various campus
departments and look for "give away" textbooks.
The companies which print textbooks send
sample copies to profs, and these profs often
give away or discard the samples at the end of
the semester. These books may have the word
"sample" on the front in gold letters, or a sticker
on the cover. Alter before selling to a textbook
buyer.

College kids have some unique habits which
show up in their trash. For example, they are
usually not allowed to have dogs or cats in
dorms. However, they use their overly-large al-
lowances to obtain such exotic pets as snakes,
lizards or tropical fish. Being irresponsible, first-
time snake owners, their pets often perish.
Plenty of the little creeps just flush the fish at
semester's end. You can find lots of aquariums,
fish food, little nets, pretty stones, etc. Even a
cracked aquarium makes a good terrarium with
a little work.

Slash obtains damaged aquariums, patches
them up, and creates nice little terrariums. When
Slash visits me in Texas he acquires a bunch of
tarantulas, free. Back in Minnesota he sells the

The "Lucky Seven" Dive Spots 97

tarantulas and aquariums cum terrariums for
$30 or more. CAREFULLY CLEAN all aquari-
ums lest your critter die from the same thing
that killed the other critter. Be careful, by the
way, with bird cages, animal travel compart-
ments and things like dog dishes. Protect your
pet.

College kids use space-saving "lofts" also. At
the end of the semester you can pick up next-to-
new lumber, bolts and nuts from discarded lofts.
You can also find plenty of cinderblocks pressed
into service as shelving components, sturdy milk
crates and carpeting remnants.

College kids love to collect some weird stuff.
Usually these are items acquired during a night
of drunken debauchery or in a scavenger hunt
that went out of control. Road signs, hazard
lights and full-size ''burger dude" figures, for ex-
ample. Slash loves to collect signs, and has deco-
rated his bedroom and several utility buildings
in this manner.

"Wild" Willard Hoffman once made good use
of a couple signs acquired on a campus. Despite
repeated appeals to our city, Hoffmanville
couldn't see the wisdom of installing "WATCH
FOR CHILDREN" signs in our isolated neigh-
borhood. Documented incidents couldn't sway
the paper-pushing bastards. Then Dad had the
incredible luck of acquiring two such signs on
campus. He found a couple metal posts left in a
ditch and established his own 30 m.p.h. zone.

Years later the signs were growing rusted and
had a few stray bullet holes. Dad boldly asked
the city council to replace the signs. When the
flustered red-tapists couldn't find the "proper
papers" on the signs. Dad raised hell about their
idiocy. An individual campaigning for local of-
fice gladly cited their incompetence, too.

A week after the election we had our new
signs.

Once, I called a business and offered to return
their "burger dude" figure... for a price. The
manager acted like a total asshole and implied
that I might very well be responsible for the

"hamburglary" in the first place. Luckily, I had
provided a fake name and address. So I hung up
on the bun-stuffing bastard. A week later the
figure was found on a public median, wearing a
Mexican sombrero and women's underwear. A
sign hung around his neck. "My meat hurts!" A
tragic incident that could have been avoided.

The signs and figures you find in campus
dumpsters often have an ironic twist. For ex-
ample, "CLIMAX, MN" has a helluva time
keeping its sign. "SLIPPERY WHEN WET' and
"MEN AT WORK" signs were popular a few
years back because of musical associations.

Well, you can't sell the signs for scrap. And
the victimized town or business will probably be
less-than-grateful if you offer a return. The stuff
is "neato," but often useless.

So, generally, campus areas are a great place
to pick up a large amount of books, notebooks,
light household items and other select materials
during certain "hot" periods. You can often find
essays which can be sold to other college stu-
dents. And you’ll find a surprising amount of
checks, credit cards and forms of ID. It's useful
to have a campus ID so you can attend cultural
events and receive student discounts. I rarely
find less than a dozen forms of ID and at least
one book of checks at the end of the semester. If
you are "inside" the campus then odd papers
from the office of the dean and an essay or two
are very useful.

By the way, watch the college library closely.
For that matter, most libraries are a good bet. As
books become worn, damaged or grow old these
volumes are routinely discarded. Nice old
magazines, too! I once found a huge box of
National Geographic. I was able to extend my per-
sonal collection of Geos into the 1930s. One issue
from the 1940s contained color plates of military
insignia. I traded that one magazine to a junk
dealer for a coffee can of unsorted "junk" coins.
Not only did I extend my coin collection, but one
of the coins turned out to be a token worth $20. 1
used this to buy an unabridged dictionary
which I had been lusting after for a long time.

98 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

As a sophomore, I obtained a large box of old
books from the late 1800s. Many of the books
bore the personal library mark of Arthur J.
Anders. When my roommate Arthur J. Anders
IV came home I said, "Look, A.J.! This guy has
the same name as you! Some relative?"

A.J. looked through the books and went nuts!
The books were from the personal library of his
great-grandfather, founder of the family fortune.
Great-grandpappy's donation of books had
started the early college library. Now the pre-
cious books were being ignominiously dis-
carded like a pot-smoking frosh-stroking prof.
The shame!

A.J. agreed. He trembled with upper class
miff.

Well, not only did I sell the books to A.J.
Anders Mark IV at a good price, but Arthur John
and his numeral appeared in a number of
pissed-off letters to the administration. (I helped
him come up with a few good words like
"ignominiously" and showed him how to make
the remarks inflammatory.) Arthur John Mark
III (A.J.'s father) threatened to curtail his sub-
stantial donations to the college. A sniveling
apology was obtained. And I spent a lovely
weekend at the Anders’ family summer cabin,
eating substantial amounts of uppercrust food,
driving the speed boat and talking about busi-
ness with A.J.'s father.

"You should write a book about these unusual
skills and sell it in the specialty market," he sug-
gested.

"Yeah, maybe," I agreed. "Uh...Yes, perhaps I
shall."

At the end of the weekend I went home with
some lovely odds and ends. Try as I might, A.J.'s
17-year-old sister was not among my souvenirs.
So, folks, WATCH THOSE LIBRARIES! Look for
opportunities to make unique transactions.
Swapping is fun, and tax free! What the govern-
ment doesn't know won’t hurt YOU!

So drop that Sumerian Pottery Philosophy
course... dumpster depths are the thie path to
higher learning!

Converting Trash to Cash 99

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Chapter 9

Converting Trash to Cash

It's a great feeling to have somebody hand you
CASH MONEY for an item you found in the
trash. I rarely become as excited about my pay-
check as I become over a few bucks from dump-
ster loot. It's like I created that handful of cash.

Actually, in an economic sense, I did create the
wealth. Those items were set aside for destruc-
tion, effectively removed from the economy. By
recapturing that wealth and injecting it back
into the economy, I have created wealth. Best of
all, when I receive cash it is untaxed. The under-
ground economy triumphs again. Being "junk"
or "secondhand," the items are sold for less than
merchandise at the retail outlet. This contributes
to driving all prices down, and allows people on
the economic edge to acquire otherwise unob-
tainable goods.

Best of all, these goods allow people on the
fringe of society to continue leading unconven-
tional lives. When I sell an old pair of gym shoes
for 50c, some mega-corporation suffers. The tax-
collecting retail whores suffer. The coercive tax-
collecting apparatus suffers. And, perhaps, some
radical has shoes to carry on his good works. I
hope and will it to be so.

Many times I have loaded up my vehicle with
clothes, toys, books, tools, etc., and looked at the
stuff thoughtfully. I try to picture people using
the stuff for a good purpose. Perhaps I’ll pick up
an item and say, under my breath, "God grant
that the man who wears this hard-hat works for
cash and avoids taxes."

This is another reason I donate unsaleable
items to my local Goodwill. I'm not interested in
charity for pathetic parasites. I see organizations
of this nature as radically subversive. Think about
it: as long as anybody can obtain clothes for a
buck and books for a dime, they can avoid
working a dehumanizing slave job to obtain
their basic needs. Thus, they pay less taxes. The
government pushes harder to collect more taxes,
radicalizing more people. Far be it from me to
provoke government coercion, even by a letter to
the editor or a nod of consent. However, when I
read that the government has committed yet an-
other coercive act, I nod and say, "Good! Good!"
Things do not change until a general level of dis-
content is achieved.

In our overly-regulated and coercive society,
the majority of businesses are simply fronts for
the government. When you shop at K-Mart, for

100 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

example, you are supporting a multi-billion
dollar entity that jumps through hoops for the
government. If the government demanded all
persons buying books show proper ID, K-Mart
would slavishly obey the edict. Don't pity the
"poor businessman." He’s a whore for the govern-
ment. You may as well be shopping at the IRS
Store, Inc., instead of IGA, KFC, L.L. Bean, 7-11,
whatever. The only "pure" capitalist is the guy
selling stuff from the back of a van.

And so it is quite understandable that I take
more pride in a small dumpster loot transaction
than what's left of a paycheck. When I obtain
that money it's all mine. And what's more, I have
committed a subversive act.

But enough about the philosophical joys of
liberated economic acts. Let's look at how to do
these things.

My focus, of course, is on dumpster goods and
I will address that in detail. However, I recom-
mend reading How to Make Cash Money Selling at
Swap Meets, Flea Markets, Etc., by Jordan Cooper
(published by Loompanics Unlimited). This
book addresses the sale of all types of used
goods in wonderful detail. You might also read
The Garage Sale Book by Jeff Groberman and
Colin Yardley (published by Prima Publishing).

Two general rules will help you profit im-
mensely from dumpster goods.

1. Never, never tell people you obtained the
stuff from a dumpster.

2. Avoid middlemen whenever possible. Sell or
barter directly with the "end-user."

Rule 1 is tried and true, my friend. Telling
somebody at a yard sale that you picked up
these nice clothes "in the trash" is like casually
mentioning that a smallpox victim died in 'em.
People who saw a "great deal" a moment ago
will drop the stuff like it burned their hands.
Even if somebody looks right at you and says,
"Aw, you picked this stuff up when somebody
threw it away, didn't ya?" say nothing of the kind.
Shrug. Roll your eyes. Pretend you didn't hear

the remark. Turn around and say, "Mind you
kids don't drop that." NEVER admit the stuff
was in a dumpster.

Here are some good lines you can use when
pressed for a response.

• Junk I acquired when I helped a friend to
move.

e Stuff I've had in the basement/ attic-
/ garage / dungeon forever.

• Picked it up here and there.

» Grew on a tree. (For pesky people and/or
wooden objects) .

Most people, of course, don't give a damn.
They might ask something like "How old is
this?" or "Does this still work?" You can either
tell them you don't know or make up elaborate
stories.

The only times I have been pressed for the
source of items were at consignment stores. I
used to sweat over this until I figured something
out: their only concern was whether the stuff
was "hot." Oh, a few times I have been ques-
tioned for no good reason by nosy, unprofes-
sional consignment store clerks. However, in
every case these were stores run by charities.
Charity-based consignment stores are hopeless.
More on this shortly.

Rule number two is less immediate but cer-
tainly more important. You will almost always do
better to sell the stuff yourself or barter it. Junk
buyers of every sort are cheap, crafty bastards.
(The worst of the worst are token buyers. NEVER
sell a token unless they show it to you in a book
or a listing of some sort.) Extracting bucks from
these junk-dealing bastards is like pulling away
meat from a pit bull. However, a trade with
these folks can be the highlight of your week.

A Barter Network

Bartering most types of non-food items is
easy. Explaining how you happened across 200

Converting Trash to Cash 101

t.v. dinners is very hard. Even if you find an en-
lightened individual willing to accept dumpster
food, you risk revealing your sources. I'd rather
use perfectly good food for compost than create a
stampede to my favorite dumpster. In my own
neighborhood I often grab items like old cloth-
ing that I will end up giving away. I do it to dis-
courage the competition.

Mostly, I use dumpster food for myself and
family. On the farm this allowed us to sell more
homegrown produce. Another method that
works is the "mysterious source." This is tough
to pull off when you dumpster dive a lot. People
are bound to see you. Usually your source needs
some basis in fact. When Slash worked at the
grocery store we made money hand over fist!
We sold or bartered items like mad, explaining
that our source had acquired the stuff. We
would never say it was Jed, but our neighbors
assumed it was. In a typical week we acquired
more wealth in this manner than Jed's weekly
paycheck. (This was the only reason he kept the
job, by the way.) Our neighbors kept their
mouths shut, too. They didn’t want a stampede
to their cheap food source.

The best approach to trade "suspicious" items
is to develop a network far away from your
source of supply. My father developed such a
network while I was still a baby and Bekka
wasn’t even bom yet. He regularly traveled to
the VA hospital in a nearby city, where he struck
up a relationship with the "Matthews," owners
of an "antique" shop. Dad showed them a truck
full of expired food items, and came home with
a truck full of furniture, clothes and toys for the
kids. Plus a few bucks for gas.

It was a scene repeated many, many times in
years to come. I’ve seen little kids run into their
houses shouting, "The Hoffmans are here!
Hurry, hurry!" It's a real status thing to miracu-
lously produce hundreds of dollars worth of
"gray market" goods. A casual air helps increase
the dramatic effect. Practice announcing this
with a nonchalant air: "Say, I've got about a
hundred frozen dinners and some crates of
grapes. Want to make a trade?"

The dubious legality of these deals only adds
to your stature. The funny thing is this: you be-
come that mysterious, connected individual.
Your announcement of goods to trade causes all
kinds of hidden wealth to appear. People in
printing plants offer books that aren't even in
stores, yet. Pizzeria workers offer you half a
dozen extra-large pepperoni pan pizzas. Poach-
ers produce venison, still warm. Clothes, tools,
job offers and skills are yours for the asking.
Next thing you know your whole life has
changed for the better. All you need is that
"commodity connection" found in dumpsters to
wheel and deal.

Years of trading and thousands of dollars
worth of untaxed goods and services flowed be-
tween the Hoffman and Matthews families. Mat-
thews helped us build an addition to our house
and, years later, arranged for me to attend a far-
right political camp in South Dakota. I shot real
automatic weapons, hiked in the badlands,
played games and met my first real girlfriend.
Vehicles were fixed, families fed and clothed,
pets and livestock obtained, medical care ac-
quired, connections and skills traded.

Here's the kicker: A few years down the road
Mr. Matthews asked my Dad if he would be in-
terested in some food items that had been dis-
carded. And next thing we knew, we were
dealing t.v. dinners in "Hoffmanville" that had
been dumpster dived in "St. Helga.”

Cash for Trash

Remember, avoid the middleman. This means
selling stuff yourself. It's not as hard as it
sounds. Jordan Cooper's book provides much in-
formation. Here are some simple ways of selling
goods, which I will cover only briefly.

Rummage Sale

Accumulate enough stuff until you can have
a decent sale or profitably rent a space at a flea
market. Remember, sell everything, even old
shoes. You can even take magazines and sell 'em
by the bundle or for a dime apiece. Somebody
will buy almost anything. I've seen people buy
used underwear with holes. (Of course, they

102 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

paid in pennies.) If you can't have your own
sale, go in with a friend or make a deal to use his
garage. Distinguish your goods from his with
cheap tape labels. Wheel and deal.

Postings

For one or two nice items, post a sign on a
bulletin board. Churches, laundromats, apart-
ment mail rooms and grocery stores are good lo-
cations. And you can sell almost any kind of
furniture to college kids. They will pay five
bucks for chairs with the stuffing dragging on
the ground. Describe the item and always add a
glowing term like "good condition!" or "like
new!" A justification for selling it is good, too,
like, "Moving — must sell!" Utilize bright colors
and neat lettering. A Xerox of a Polaroid or the
actual picture works well, too.

Friends

Sell items to friends, colleagues and co-work-
ers as they express (or you anticipate) their
needs. My mother knew the tastes, current
clothing sizes and fashion likes and dislikes for
every kid in her barter network — by heart!
People would ask her, "Vemie, can you please
get a pair of size ten shoes for Billy? He has a
gym class and we can't afford any new shoes."
And, incredibly. Mom could produce results. Of
course, she also had a sideline hauling away
rummage sale remnants. People knew she sold
the stuff, but they would call her because she
hauled the stuff away for free. But she would
only haul away good stuff and demanded
money if she showed up and the stuff looked
like hell. (Personally — I would only haul stuff
away for money.) We had a "permanent garage
sale" in our old converted grainery, and it was a
rare week when we didn't make at least $20
bucks. We usually made more.

Don't form a habit of giving things away to
potential trading partners. I've seen shiftless
people like the Ruben clan shell out cash money
once they figured out the Hoffmans weren't go-
ing to hand out free slacks — school pageant or
none. Once you give something away making a
cash deal in the future becomes next to impos-
sible. Many people believe we live in a "cashless

society" but they aren’t talking about credit
cards. I'll pack up stuff and give it to the
Goodwill before I will spoil relations with po-
tential trading partners. (I think nations should
do this, too.) When people ask me for something
they offer something to trade in the same breath.
Only trusted friends can ask me for things on
the basis of a future favor.

Like dumpster diving, barter is an art. Telling
you how to trade is like explaining how to paint
pictures. Not only is every deal unique unto it-
self, but you learn by doing. Find yourself some
barter buddies and soon you'll discover a hid-
den talent in yourself. It isn't so hard. Strike up a
conversation about bartering. Brag a little about
having goods to trade. When somebody says,
"Gee, I could use a few boxes of produce," sim-
ply say, "Well... got anything to trade?"

Many people become idiots at this point. Try
to avoid talking to idiots in the first place. But a
few people make a surprising and welcome re-
sponse like, "I can introduce you to Kathy So-
and-so." This is the art part. Determining the
cash value of discarded doughnuts is easy com-
pared to figuring out the "exchange rate" to con-
vert expired cheese into an oil change. A glow-
ing recommendation to an employer equals how
many gallons of apple butter? See what I mean?

Pick trading partners with something to trade
or extra cash to spend. Hit ’em on payday when
the money is burning a hole in their pocket.
There are certain people who will express a high
level of interest in your goods, they will be
charming and talk a lot but they have no cash
and nothing to trade. I'd rather deal with a mean
old cuss who has money or goods to trade. I
once made a deal to have someone type a re-
sume moments after I made an appointment to
meet the same person in an alley behind our
place of employment. I gave him a bloody nose
and then told him to drop the resume by my
house. Hey, business is business. At least na-
tions have learned this lesson.

Pick people with a basic barter philosophy...
people who don’t expect favors on the basis of
charity or their pathetic needs. Survivalists,

Converting Trash to Cash 103

many third world people (especially Vietnamese
and people from Hong Kong), backwoods
Mormons and many LIBERTARIANS are good
bets.

Middlemen

As I stated previously, you will always do bet-
ter to sell stuff yourself and avoid the middle-
man. I warned you. However, there are a limited
number of circumstances when it is expedient to
use a consignment store, flea market dealer or
junkman. But BEWARE.

Consignment Stores

The way a consignment store works is simple
in theory. You bring in the goods and the store
owner sells the stuff for you. You obtain a cut
and the dealer gets a cut. Everybody is happy.

But there's many a slip. For example, some
stores demand 30% of your take. But that store
may charge high prices and turn stuff over at a
good rate. Another store may only take 25%, but
the store is poorly managed and goods turn over
slowly. High or low percentage is not necessar-
ily an indication of good or bad management.
Most stores will take a smaller percentage on a
higher-priced item. For example, 40% on knick-
knacks but 10% on high-quality furniture.

You determine the prices together — in
theory. I’d rather find a dealer who knows his
stuff and tell him, "What do you think? You've
priced all my other stuff pretty good." But it's
sheer torture to deal with a crazed old coot who
determines a price too high and lets your stuff
accumulate dust. Then he blames you for
bringing him "crap." Or he sets the price too low
and your good quality items sell for a song.
You're left with 60% of a song. And about two
thirds of such dealers will screw you in this
manner. Worse, they lie about what they sold
the item for and give you 60% of the fake price.

Most consignment stores have a 30 day limit,
60 for higher priced items. After that, they
steadily drop the price. Most stores have some
legal means of discarding unclaimed junk that
doesn't sell. And, to be a consignor, you must

usually produce a goodly amount of stuff. If you
have that much stuff, you could probably have a
yard sale anyway. However, establish an ac-
count and you can often drop off one or two
items as you acquire those things, even if your
total stuff in the store drops to a small amount.

Consignment stores are great in one regard.
Somebody else does most of the work. You can
unload that stuff and keep your Saturdays for
yourself. I used this "lazy alternative" when I
was trying to accumulate a wad of cash by
working many hours a week. But you lose con-
trol, and you pay for that convenience. I've seen
stuff "disappear" on some fellow consignors.
And most of these stores are in old tinderbox
buildings.

On the other hand, having your stuff on dis-
play for 30 days (versus a one-day yard sale) can
actually obtain you more cash, even with the
dealer percentage. Consignment stores work
well for busy people who can barely spare time
to dumpster dive, let alone sell the stuff. It
works well for small items you can't sell with a
posting.

Always gather information and impressions
of the store before doing business there. Under-
stand the consignment contract fully, and in-
quire about how the stuff at the store is insured
in case of fire, flood or theft.

But don't assume the contract will be applied
to the letter. A consignment store may establish
the right to discard property after 60 days, but
many won't do it. Others may state they will not
call you, even when you have some money from
a sale. But, in fact, they might call you or send a
postcard. A lot of stuff is put in the contract to
protect the store from bastards. But don't as-
sume they won't apply it, either.

Don't bring in stuff the store doesn't sell. For
example, many stores sell high quality clothing
like nice coats, but refuse to deal in old shirts,
pants, etc., even if the clothing is in good shape.
Some deal mostly with clothing, others mostly
furniture, while the majority are "antiques and

104 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

collectibles" oriented. You may find many
"antique" stores are really consignment stores.

Clean your stuff before consigning. Most store
owners have a pet peeve about this. Dirt marks
in flower pots are O.K., a few stray crumbs in
the toaster, but clean your stuff as much as you
reasonably can. You'll obtain more money this
way, too. If something came in a box or con-
tainer, bring it. Bring warranties, instructions,
etc. Confession time: I’ve often used appliance
boxes obtained in the trash for my old
appliances. There are exceptions to the cleaning
rule. Don't try to strip old varnish off antique
furniture and don't remove the dross from old
silver. You can actually reduce the value.

Grab any "baby things" you see, even old
clothing. Some shops specialize in this stuff.
Baby clothes are grossly overpriced, always in
demand, a good bet all the way 'round. (Better to
sell them yourself or barter.)

Develop a good relationship with your con-
signment store based on mutual respect. If the
dealer says, "This is no good," DO NOT become
emotional. I have yet to hear any dealer in
"junktiques" tell me, "Why, these things are
wonderful! This stuff is worth a bundle! Where,
oh, where did you find this?" The best response
I've obtained is a raised eyebrow or a quiet
statement that, "This may bring a good price."
And many dealers, frankly, are masters of psy-
chological browbeating. If you find yourself
asking, "Why, oh, why did I think this stuff was
worth anything? Maybe I should just sell it for a
few bucks!" you're being manipulated.

Most dealers will attempt to purchase stuff by
the lot. In an uncompetitive area, finding a con-
signment store willing to fill out the paperwork
for a small lot is tough. And getting a good price
is tough, too. Ten bucks and twenty bucks are
some kind of "glass ceiling" for most dealers.
Storming off in a huff or negotiating vigorously
WON'T raise the price. These dealers (most of
'em) are mean-spirited or dumb. They know
stuff takes a while to sell. Furthermore, they
know most people with a trunkful of junk will
accept their low offer.

You are much better off looking through the
store (or around the flea market) for an item you
like and then arranging a barter. Have the item
in mind before showing your wares, and make
sure it is an item the dealer owns, not a con-
signment. Express interest in the item but wrin-
kle your nose at the price. Then offer your items.
Negotiate in cash and then ask about your items
of interest. Play fair but play hard.

Last week a flea market dealer offered me $3
for a birdcage. Instead, I expressed interest in an
old pistol holster, a coin and a book. We made
the trade and I obtained stuff that would have
cost me $18. Furthermore, it was exactly what I
wanted. Best of all it cost me nothing. I may as
well have found that holster, coin and book in
the trash. I sat for a while looking at that lovely
old coin and said, "Mine, mine, all mine." This
sort of thing makes you feel so clever, so self-
sufficient.

WARNING: Stay the heck away from con-
signment stores operated by charity organiza-
tions. These people are idiots. Worse, they have
no profit motive. They might turn you and your
stuff away because you are young and well-
nourished. Meanwhile, some seedy old hag is
given special consideration because she needs
the money. Dropping prices or giving you a
phone call requires a damned board of directors
meeting. If you ask one of the employees a
question they will invariably say, "I don't know.
I'm a volunteer."

Used Bookstores

My personal favorite. I was tempted to put
this first. I have already explained how to deal
with coverless paperbacks. Now let's examine
undamaged paperbacks and hardcover books.

YOU ARE BETTER OFF TRADING. Ask for
cash and you will receive a pittance. (Unless the
books are "rare.") Offer to trade and the whole
store is your oyster.

Many dealers will demand 5tf or 10c per
book traded, or they will impose special rules.
One dealer I know won't trade westerns or

Converting Trash to Cash 105

science fiction unless you bring some. Another
has certain authors that can only be purchased
for cash. These dealers are not mean or dumb,
they are simply responding to market condi-
tions. In fact, most of these dealers are very
friendly people and brilliant conversationalists.
They can steer you toward many a good book.

Some of these dealers sell magazines by the
bundle, but that doesn’t mean old copies of
Family Circle. Many kinds of "soft pom" are very
salable, especially old copies of Playboy and
Penthouse. (Watch out. Some of these mags are
worth a lot and that dealer won't tell you.)
National Geographies are worth a bit, but tend to
accumulate rapidly. If you find a collection of
magazines in sequential order, or stuff like Ari-
zona Highways, you can strike a good deal. Don't
be surprised if the dealer wants to trade hard-
backs for hardbacks, mags for mags, softcover
for softcover. This is pretty standard. Tell deal-
ers about your special areas of interest and they
will set stuff aside for you, even call you at
home. (Be specific so you don't waste your time
or theirs.)

Many times I'll spot a title that I want, but I re-
fuse to pay cash. So I leave with my other trades
and remember the title. When I find some books
in the dumpster I think to myself, "Hooray! I
just found that edition of From Here to Eternity. "
And, by golly, that’s the title I obtain. Then I hug
it to my chest and feel clever. I haven’t paid re-
tail prices for a book in years. Standard proce-
dure in used bookstores is half the cover price un-
less otherwise marked. So if the book was printed
ten years ago, you pay half the price the book
sold for ten years ago. Why would you ever pay
retail prices?

Scrap Dealers

Personally, I'm not willing to dig through a
dumpster for individual cola cans... not now,
anyway. But, of course, I have income from
other sources. As a young person I spent many a
day obtaining cash in this manner. I know an 11-
year-old child who gathers up discarded soda
cans so her mother can send her to beauty
pageants. Whole families in Mexico support
themselves in this manner, selling aluminum.

cardboard and other materials. If I were in need
of cash in the worst way I would not hesitate to
gather up soft drink cans.

Let me tell you, there is a lot of aluminum out
there. All this publicity about recycling isn't af-
fecting the majority of people. The average resi-
dential dumpster contains 50«! worth of alumi-
num, minimum. Often, you'll find discarded
stepladders, lawn furniture, screen doors and
other aluminum scrap. Naturally, I won't turn
my nose up at something like that!

You'll find plenty of copper in the form of
cords on discarded appliances, old jumper
cables, decorative items, etc.

Cut cords off discarded appliances and
sell to scrap copper dealers.

Iron and steel scraps? Forget it. At $20 a ton
this stuff is only a good deal if somebody pays
you to haul it away. Glass? Don't bother. At $35 a
ton you must collect 200 55-gallon drums of
cullet to make a ton. And it all better be the same
color. This isn't worth the effort even if some-
body does pay you to haul it off. The stuff is
made out of sand. Old tires? Hey, make yourself
a swing, make planters out of 'em, but don’t ex-
pect to be paid for your efforts. Paper? Only $10
a ton for mixed scrap. $35 a ton for newspaper.
$150 a ton for high quality paper. Anybody dis-
carding that much high quality paper would

106 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

have to be in the printing biz — and they recycle
everything at big printing places.

As a kid, I obtained the entire archives for a
failed local paper. The stuff wasn't ancient, so I
loaded up the truck and sold it to "Boa Brothers
Recycling, Inc." I obtained 80tf. That's it. I threw
the money in a soda machine, bought myself
two colas and fumed.

Only aluminum, copper, and, in a few select
areas, cardboard is worth the effort. Some cities
have machines which allow you to insert soda
cans and receive cash. These things are, in my
experience, notorious cheats. The key to obtain-
ing cash for scrap is to have somebody pay you
to haul it away. I highly recommend How to Earn
$15 to $50 an Hour and More with a Pickup Truck
or Van, by Don Lilly (published by Darian
Books). It seems to me that, by combining
dumpster diving with the principles in Lilly's
book, you can change that title to How to Earn
$30 to $80 and More, Etc.

Other Outlets

A variety of specialized businesses exist
which may be interested in your dumpster loot.
Per pound clothing buyers, for example. Appli-
ance and small engine repair places. Used bike
shops. Army surplus stores. Campus book buy-
ers. Typewriter repair shops. Coin, stamp,
comic, baseball card and other hobby dealers.
Some grassroots organizations may purchase
office supplies. A pawn shop may give you a
decent price, but don't count on it.

I know one guy who sells almost nothing but
hubcaps. I know another guy and his brother
who do nothing but purchase used batteries.
(Sell used batteries for $2 to $5 apiece to auto
parts supply dealers. Some junkyards buy 'em,
too.) You might also find an auctioneer to sell
your lot.

Many unusual outlets exist. Seek and you will
find. My brother sold a broken, damned near
useless pistol for $50 to a police "buy back" pro-
gram aimed at reducing the number of hand-
guns. Another time we obtained and immedi-
ately traded some discarded needles and

syringes to a "clean needles for junkies" pro-
gram. We used the new needles to stock our
survivalist medicine chest. Opportunities are
unlimited. Dumpster loot provides a commodity
to grease the economic wheels and start deals
rolling.

Know the value of things. Whenever possible,
snap up old antique guides, price lists for col-
lectibles, books about collectibles, even old cata-
logues. These books, even when outdated, can
help you determine which items are common
versus rare. Whether you sell direct or use mid-
dlemen, read up on these subjects. With the ex-
ception of your next meal, what could be more
interesting than the products of human society?

Note differences in price between retail and
used. The minute you take a purchase out of the
store, the price you can reasonably demand for
that item drops by 30% to 50%. I believe this is
due mostly to hidden taxes in production and
sales costs.

There's another reason secondhand dealers of
all kinds charge much less than retail: they must
do this to attract a market. Frankly, most people
would rather go to K-Mart and charge a leather
jacket on their credit card than skulk around
yard sales and secondhand shops. If you go in a
retail store you know the item will most likely
be there. In fact, there will be a selection. So you
are paying somebody to do your thinking for
you, to locate the suppliers for you and display
it for your convenience. In effect, you're paying
for a convenient source of supply... which is fine,
if you can afford to pay 30-50% more than the
actual street value. Do yourself a favor: become
an expert on yard sales, flea markets, second-
hand and junk shops. Take the money you save
and send baby to medical school.

The Oddest Deals

The kind of deals you can make are as unique
as YOU, as your individual circumstances. Some
of the most artistic barter deals involve one-of-a-
kind, impossible-to-duplicate circumstances.
Only YOU can pull 'em off, because they are
unique to you.

Converting Trash to Cash 107

Take, for example, the time Jed and I man-
aged to ruin a political career with some dis-
carded x-rays. It wasn't really barter, but let me
tell you about it.

Often I find things in the garbage that are un-
usual, personal, "neato" stuff that seems valu-
able but you wonder how, exactly. So it was
when Jed and I found the x-rays. This was the
dive where we acquired those used syringes. It
was easy — all we had to do was locate a red,
plastic "sharps" container. Let me tell you, we
removed those needles with old salad tongs and
had gauze over our noses and mouths. I highly
recommend avoiding hospital waste except in
extraordinary circumstances. We probably could
have acquired needles and syringes through
veterinary sources. However, Slash and I were
all set to visit friends in the city and saw an
opportunity to acquire these supplies for noth-
ing. Heaven only knows what we did to the
precious statistics of that "clean needle" organi-
zation.

Anyway, I saw an oversized folio in the hospi-
tal dumpster and picked it up. It was full of x-
rays. The very first one was a skull with broken
teeth.

"Check it out!" I said to Jed, my voice muffled
from the mask.

"Neat!" he said.

So I dragged the folio home. The x-rays be-
longed to all sorts of people with lots of cool in-
juries. I thought these x-rays may have been
used for instructional purposes, given the vari-
ety of fun fractures. The prize shot was a hand
with an extended middle finger, with no appar-
ent bone injury.

"Fun and games in the radiology lab!" I said to
Jed.

"F--u--u— ck y— o~ o— u!" he gasped in a
"skeleton" voice.

Jed thought the x-rays were so much fun that I
finally traded him the whole bunch for some fa-

vor or another. He decorated the window in his
room and put the rest aside. It complemented
his road sign motif fabulously, I thought. Jed
even took Polaroid shots and sent the pics to
some kind of "beautiful house" publication. He
received a terse letter thanking him and stating
that the photos and text were being sent to the
"proper department."

"Psycho file," I told Jed.

"I just want to EXPRESS myself!" he replied in
his "effeminate artist" voice.

Well, one day I came home from fishing and
noticed a sporty little ragtop in the front yard. I
tossed the stringer of fish in the sink and asked
Mom who owned the car.

"Denise Bulltwaddle," my mom replied. (Not
her real name, of course.)

"Daughter of COMMISSIONER Bulltwaddle?"
I asked.

Commissioner Bulltwaddle was a notorious
liberty-trampling bastard. Our neighbors were
fighting him to the death over some kind of ob-
scure zoning issue involving the proximity of
livestock to a residential structure. An abandoned
residential structure, I should point out. Only
Bulltwaddle had a problem. There wasn't even a
citizen complaint involved.

On several nights Slash and I kidnapped his
garbage, looking for something incriminating to
help our besieged neighbors. No dice. Lots of
pizza boxes. We were set to try again.

"John," my mom said, "Denise is a nice young
lady and you have to take her for what she is.
And Jedediah likes her, so don't go spoiling it."

I wondered how this strange pair of bedfel-
lows developed. Did the young Slashmaster find
some sexy underthings and search out the
owner? Was he pumping Denise for informa-
tion? Was he pumping her for some other rea-
son? Were there photos involved? Video? Why
was he holding out on his brother?

108 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Slash had a sign on his bedroom door which
read, "DANGER! RADIATION! DO NOT GO
BEYOND THIS POINT WITHOUT AUTHOR-
IZED SAFETY EQUIPMENT." Another prize
from the night at the hospital.

Slash answered the door and I had my first
look at Denise. She had a punk haircut, black
lipstick and tight leather clothing. She had skull
earrings, a skull pendant, skull rings and little
skulls on her t-shirt. A glow-in-the-dark plastic
skull dangled from her miniskirt belt above tom
fishnet stockings.

"Hey, John!" Slash said. "You met Denise?"

"Call me 'Daughter of Death’," she cooed.

"Charmed," I said, shaking her gloved hand.

So we all sat down to chat and the subject
turned, naturally, to her Nazi pig Fascist father.
Looking at her jewelry, a thought formed in my
mind. I wasn’t planning the demise of a county
commissioner's career. I was simply seeking a
way to make Denise happy and, perhaps, assist
in the formation of a helpful alliance.

"You like Jed's room?" I asked. "The decor, I
mean. Death and Injury on the Road of American
Dreams, Jed calls it."

"It's O.K.," she said, nodding. "That magazine
should have published Slash's photos."

"Stuck-up pigs!" I agreed.

"I really like the skulls," she said.

"You do?" Jed said, leaping up. I got a bunch
more x-rays here in my dresser."

"Got any more skulls?" she asked.

I left quietly, smiling. And so the daughter of
Commissioner Bulltwaddle left Jed's bedroom
with a bunch of broken bones and teeth. Jed
even parted with the prized x-ray we called
"Bony Bird." And Denise a.k.a. Daughter of

Death promptly covered every inch of her large
bedroom window... which faced the street.

When Commissioner Bulltwaddle arrived
home from a hard day of harassing citizens he
saw the bizarre window and exploded. He was,
after all, chairman of the county hospital com-
mittee. Decorating his home with confidential
medical records did not look good — and in an
election year! How could his daughter do this to
him? He charged into her room and began rip-
ping down the x-rays, even breaking the bedside
lamp. Denise had used the lampshade to dis-
play, for maximum effect, "Bony Bird."

Naturally, Denise jumped up to defend her
property. And naturally Commissioner Bull-
twaddle punched her in the face. Denise ran out
of the house and straight to the county social
services department. The social workers quietly
transferred Denise to an overnight foster home.
She called Jed, in tears. Jed promptly telephoned
our neighbors. Our neighbors promptly called
Commissioner Bulltwaddle and threatened to
drag his name through the dirt if he didn't
BACK OFF on the zoning issue.

And, amazingly, it worked. The very next day
Slash and I sorted through twelve bags of
courthouse waste and two bags of Bulltwaddle
crap. We managed to obtain some social service
papers which basically gave us clear title to
Bulltwaddle's political soul. We also found,
oddly enough, the x-rays. This is the only time
we have dumpster dived the same items twice.

And we all lived happily ever after. Except
Bulltwaddle, of course, who dropped out of
politics and returned to the funeral parlor biz.
Our neighbors presented us with several baby
swine, in gratitude. And Denise presented Jed
with a strange token of affection. The social
workers had transported Denise to the hospital
for x-rays, just to make sure Bulltwaddle hadn't
busted her head. Somehow, Denise managed to
obtain her own x-rays, which she presented to
Jed. Eventually, she and Jed broke up in a dis-
agreement about the morality of hunting ani-
mals, but they still lived happily ever after.

Converting Trash to Cash 109

Obviously, it would be impossible to dupli-
cate a situation of this nature. But it illustrates
odd, creative use of dumpster loot... which YOU
can do just as easily and just as well as I. Fur-
thermore, it illustrates the value of dumpster
dived information... which we will cover more
later.

Remember, sell or barter the stuff yourself
whenever possible. Barter requires considerable
creativity but can be more profitable than selling
for cash to middlemen. BE CAREFUL with the
middlemen you elect to use.

Good luck... and good diving!

More Dumpster Doings 111

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Chapter 10

More Dumpster Doings

In this chapter, I will discuss even more places
to dumpster dive. We'll also discuss more as-
pects of self-sufficiency using dumpster goods.

The Manufacturing Sector

As much as I might like, I haven't had the op-
portunity to dive dumpsters from every type of
business. Like you. I'm still feeling my way, so
to speak.

The retail sector is more profitable to divers
than the manufacturing sector. Why? Retailers
depend on receiving goods and selling at jacked-
up prices. To make more money, they find better
ways to price or sell. They don't make much ef-
fort to "recapture" wasted materials, but try to
order what they need when they need it. And
their goods are finished. However, the people
who produce goods deal with raw materials.
They fret about waste and costs. You know
what's in their dumpsters? Cigarette butts, cof-
fee cups and empty bottles of Pepto Bismol.
Dirty paper towels from the men's room. And
paperwork, lots of obscure, dull documents.

But surprises lurk out there. I know of a busi-
ness that makes specialized machines for pack-
aging goods. A worker at this business used to
bring our family big boxes of, say, individually
wrapped cheese slices. They would run
"product" through the machines to test the
packaging functions. Most of the time this prod-
uct was discarded, but the night shift always
managed to make off with quite a bit. Our
"contact" would trade us stuff like this for veni-
son, seamstress service and various dumpster
goods.

Obviously, this was an obscure kind of busi-
ness. You probably don't have such a business in
your area. But you may have something else just
as good — if not better! The best way to find
these goods is to get out there and hit dumpsters
in a random manner to see what you might find.
But logic and info-gathering can play a role, too.
Think about the manufacturing sector in your
town. What raw products do they use? What do
they make and under what circumstances would
they discard a "bad" lot? How would they
"recapture" waste to cut costs? Would they do
that? Is it cost effective?

112 The Art and Science of Dumpster Diving

I once went behind a poultry processing plant,
hoping to obtain some feathers. (These add
nitrogen to soil.) I was surprised to find out the
feathers are processed and used to add protein
to, among other things, chickenfeed and dog-
food. Yech! Double yech! Watch 'em put this
stuff in hotdogs a few years from now.

When you find yourself saying, "Why, they
can't be recycling all their waste byproduct!"
then you should go look and see. But don’t be
surprised if they are. A lot of food processors,
especially, sell their waste to the people who
make animal feed. I hope this doesn't "trickle
down" to bakeries and grocery stores.

Another way to find out these things is to ask.
This isn't so hard. Strike up a conversation with
an employee. Ask him about his job and the
manufacturing process. You can learn a lot this
way even if you don't obtain a "dumpster lead."
The employee who would bring us the cheese
and stuff switched jobs, so we started diving the
dumpsters at the plant. We wouldn’t have
known about this little plant if it weren’t for that
employee. Unless, of course, we had learned of it
paging through the phone book. This is a good
way to learn about obscure, hot diving spots.
You may have some fierce competition from the
people who live across the road from the plant.
They may consider that dumpster their little
secret.

Some surprisingly good junk can be found in
the office waste from the plant. Businesses
wishing to capture a market will bombard the
'big cheese" at these factories with all kinds of
samples — everything from plastic doodads to
industrial lubricants to management texts. (By
filling out postage-paid cards in obscure trade
journals you can have these samples mailed
directly to you!) Sometimes the big wigs run out
and buy a sample of something just to examine
it, discuss it with the other stuffed shirts, and
discard it. You can also find golf shoes, attache
cases, postcards from Europe, all the bric-a-brac
of the executive lifestyle.

Furniture Stores
Which Feature 'Trade-Ins"

When you "trade in your old couch or dinette
set" you may think you're getting a deal. Bull!
They could hand out coupons just as easily. It
would be a lot less work, too.

Once, some fairly well-off friends of my
mother traded in a simulated leather recliner for
a new chair. A few days later, they were driving
through the alley and noticed their "trade in"
tossed out amid a dozen other trade ins. They
were outraged. For one thing, the chair had sen-
timental value. It hurt "Mr. Tillman" to see his
Superbowl viewing companion tossed out like a
piece of garbage. For another thing, they had
paid a young man to bring the chair to the furni-
ture place. (And let me tell you, I was glad to
take their money.) Now their "great deal" didn't
seem so great, after all. The "trade in" was a
scam.

My mom assured the Tillmans that such a nice
old chair could find a happy home, after all. We
went to the furniture store, loaded up those dis-
cards, and brought 'em home. We kept the
simulated leather recliner and used it for several
years. The other furniture we sold for a few
bucks apiece from our converted grainery.
Whenever we saw ads telling people to trade in
their old furniture we would go out of our way
to dive that store. And, actually, they weren't
discarding ALL the trade-ins. We figure 20%
ended up in the alley. But that 20% meant quite
a few bucks to us.

Here's a tip: Don’t ever pick up an old mat-
tress unless you need one. These items are vir-
tually useless, and can rarely be sold for so
much as a buck — even on the border. And
you'll need a foam rubber pad to protect your-
self from that one spring.

After Charity Sales — Help Yourself

I love a good church bazaar or a fundraising
booksale on a Saturday afternoon. Of course, it's
a pain in the ass to deal with all the volunteer
salespeople. They always ask, "May I help you?"

More Dumpster Doings 113

and then never have answers. The point of their
so-called "sale" never seems to be fundraising
but rather the establishment of little committees
and sale rules. But there are plenty of bargains if
you can get at ’em.

Anyway, years ago somebody figured out
these sales were good fundraisers. Many people
will actually contribute costly items, believing
the money will go to a "good cause." (Sure! If
you call mass mailings, expensive office furni-
ture and fat cat salaries a good cause.) But what
happens AFTER the sale?

I'll tell you what DOESN'T happen. The Gray
Ladies League doesn't call up every contributor
to have them pick up their unsold items. They
don't put the stuff in storage for next year's sale.
After the Gray Ladies loot the leftovers some-
body young and strong chucks everything in the
trash. And, if it rained that afternoon or the sale
wasn't well-publicized, you can find a LOT of
decent stuff. I once found a box containing doz-
ens of hard rock albums. Obviously, the albums
didn’t appeal to the housewives and little old
ladies who were the primary customers at the
sale. Or, perhaps, these "evil" records were re-
moved prior to the church sale.

Another time, at a library fundraiser, I ac-
quired a whole truckload of books. This was at
the end of my senior year of college, and since I
was leaving the area, anyway, I fired off a letter
to the editor about this wasteful practice. What's
really sad is that people donate items for a "good
cause," often stuff with sentiment attached. They
sacrifice the opportunity to have their own sale.
And the human parasites who run non-profit
organizations discard all this good stuff because
they can't non a sale effectively.

If somebody in your neighborhood has a yard
sale, don't forget to check their trash. You might
find a lot of neat odds and ends. And, believe it
or not, stuff can be found behind the Goodwill
and Salvation Army. If you need a bunch of
clothes for grease rags, go here. People often
drop off nice pieces of furniture behind the
Goodwill, and these donations tempt me se-
verely.

Hotels — Soap City!

NEVER buy soap. You can obtain all the
little-bitty soaps you need behind hotels. You
don't need to settle for the used ones with pubic
hair, either. If these little soaps are dripped on or
steamed too hard in the shower, the maids toss
'em out, unopened.

Hotels which feature a complimentary news-
paper are a good place to obtain your own sub-
scription if you live nearby. This can be a very
pleasant aspect of your morning walk.

Commercial Festivals,

Grand Openings, Etc.

When I was a little kid, small towns through-
out Minnesota would feature "Crazy Days" in
late August. Merchants would drag out odds
and ends of merchandise, put on silly costumes
and have a big street festival. Unfortunately, as
the festival matured the "odds and ends" mostly
disappeared, leaving nothing but silly costumes
and petty discounts. Still, wide-scale commercial
activity often means lots of good discards. The
only problem is digging through the wax paper
cola cups, popcorn boxes and half-eaten hot-
dogs. This is particularly true of "grand
openings."

Often, the days BEFORE a festivity are more
profitable than the dive afterwards. It's not that
more good stuff is discarded — just that it's
easier to find.

Watch for "seasonal peaks" among certain
businesses. For example. Slash wanted one of
those grotesque rubber masks to compliment his
road sign and x-ray room motif. We determined
that it would be best to dive a novelty store im-
mediately before and after Halloween. So we
did, adding it to our "route." Halloween came
and went, and still no rubber mask. But we
found a lot of other fun stuff, so we kept hitting
the dumpster. On November 16 (Jed's birthday),
we pulled up to check the dumpster, by this
time having forgotten about the goal of obtain-
ing an expensive rubber mask. Slash casually

114 The Art and Science of Dumpster Diving

opened the dumpster and shined his light in-
side.

"SHIT!" he hollered, and jumped back so hard
he hit the side of the truck.

The lid crashed down, making a sound you
could hear for miles.

"What's the problem?" I asked, jumping out of
the truck with my bag blade in hand.

Jed caught his breath, grinned sheepishly, and
pointed at the dumpster.

I raised the lid carefully, expecting a rat or
some really gross dead animal with its eyes
open. A delicious chill went through me when I
saw the "zombie" mask staring back at me. I
noted a rip that made the two eye openings into
one large hole. Somebody had probably yanked
it too hard while trying it on. I threw the mask at
Jed's feet.

"Happy birthday. Slash," I said. "Or should I
call you 'Crash'?"

And we found two more damaged masks in
that dumpster. So, be mindful of heightened
commercial activity, since it often translates into
increased breakage and/or discards. But
dumpster diving, like fishing, is more of an art
than a science. People don't always discard stuff
when and where you expect. I frequently find
fake Christmas trees in the middle of July.

Your Own Personal Fire Sale,
Earthquakes, Etc.

Natural and man-made disasters frequently
mean discard-o-rama. Check the garbage cans
and/or dumpsters after fire, flood, earthquake,
riot, etc. Remember, these "disasters" can be
quite limited and personal — such as one
flooded basement or a little fire in somebody's
kitchen. Insurance estimates take a few days or
even weeks, so keep your eyes peeled for dis-
cards. The more affluent the business or resi-
dence, the more likely it will be insured and
there will be a "discard delay factor." You are

also likely to have competition. People who
wouldn’t normally dive a dumpster are drawn
to the spectacle of disaster, and they will poke
through their neighbor's smoke damaged prop-
erty with morbid delight. (Morbid delight that
should be yours!)

Dumpster diving friends in California tell me
that, after a good quake, you can pick up
enough stuff to feed yourself for months... but,
again, amateur competition is fierce. I’ve never
seen this first hand and would love to hear from
more divers in California.

The first time I took my wife dumpster diving,
she located a slightly smoke damaged antique
cola sign. We took the sign home and plugged it
in, not expecting it to work. However, it did
work and still works today — four years later.
She has been offered as much as $50 for the sign,
but keeps it for sentimental reasons.

When you dive disasters, don't forget about
those interesting and oh-so-personal papers.

Construction And Destruction Sites

Dumpsters on construction sites are often
fenced off. You may need permission to
scavenge for building materials.

You can pick up all the building materials
you'll ever need where buildings are being put
up or tom down. Don't forget that an addition

More Dumpster Doings 115

or a remodeling effort can also mean a lot of dis-
carded materials. You can find a few of these
items by keeping an eye on "do it yourself
stores — though construction sites are far more
profitable. The only problem is that these sites
are frequently fenced off and even guarded be-
cause of the tools, vehicles and supplies sitting
around, not to mention the danger to adventur-
ous kids. I find it's best to obtain permission
from a foreman. Be respectful, say "sir" a lot, and
ask for this person's permission to salvage ma-
terials. Be polite but persistent, smile, look 'em
in the eye and NEVER act pathetic.

If the guy in charge says he can't have un-
authorized persons on the site while work is
taking place, ask if you can come back around
4:45 and grab a few materials while work is
wrapping up for the day. Always indicate that
you want "a few" or "some," then grab as much
as you can. If pressed, however, look 'em in the
eye and say you would like to fill up your truck.

Construction businesses benefit by your ef-
forts, since they pay to have the materials
hauled away. It sometimes helps to mention
that, politely. Find out from the refuse company
how much it costs and drop that figure, casually,
like you're estimating. By the way, maybe YOU
can do it cheaper and make a profit while keep-
ing the good materials.

Don’t be discouraged. Keep coming back, be-
ing extremely polite even in the face of rudeness
or direct refusal. When one person grants per-
mission, GET HIS NAME! This has saved my ass
quite a few times when somebody comes run-
ning up, shouting, "Hey! Hey! What are you do-
ing?" Be polite to this person, too, saying, "Sir,
Mr. Blank indicated I could have some of this
waste!” (Don't say "boards." Call it waste. Who
wants waste?) Don't cop an attitude or you'll get
your benefactor in trouble with his boss. Don’t
abuse your privileges and stay away from their
other stuff. Thank your host. Once you have
permission, scrounge daily. You might be able
to sell some of this stuff, so grab all you can.

Destruction sites are good places to scrounge,
too, and not as supervised. The people who do

this type of work are paid to take the building
down within a certain period of time and haul it
away. Some are paid as little as $1 and depend
on the sale of salvaged materials to make a
profit. They are after stuff like copper pipes,
quality hardwoods and old fixtures. Most lum-
ber is "scrap," and they will gladly let you sup-
ply "free labor" and haul it away — if you ask
right. Bring a hardhat if you plan to ask permis-
sion to rip stuff out of the building. Offer to sign
a "waiver of liability" if they express concerns
you might sue them if injured. This is often their
reason for refusal, even if they don’t say so.
Many times I have turned a "no" into a "yes" by
remaining polite, persistent, and offering to sign
a waiver of liability. Don't look clumsy. Don't
use big words or they'll think you lack "common
sense." Most people in this biz are self-made
men lacking formal education, so approach
them with this in mind. Follow their rules and
grab, grab, grab. This is also a great way to get
firewood.

Needless to say, it's easier to obtain access to
good sites if you know somebody. Once you es-
tablish a good relationship you can scrounge
again and again. Sometimes they will call YOU.
The solid oak flooring in the Hoffman residence
is a tribute to my Dad's ability to scrounge these
sites effectively. (With the kids helping, of
course. Again, never act pathetic, but a kid can
open a lot of doors.)

There's an excellent book called Building With
Junk and Other Good Stuff, A Guide to Home
Building and Remodeling Using Recycled Materials.
It's by Jim Broadstreet and is published by
Loompanics Unlimited. This book not only ad-
dresses scrounging construction sites but details
many types of unusual building projects.

Thinking Garbage

Growing up on a farm, we always had tons of
materials around for different projects. Some-
times I would read about a self-sufficiency idea
in a magazine, show it to Bekka or Jed, and soon
we would be banging a project together. Every-
thing we needed was in arm's reach or easily
obtained. It wasn't until years later that I un-

116 The Art and Science of Dumpster Diving

derstood self-sufficiency projects are a hurdle for
most people. If they want to build a chicken-
coop, they start pricing lumber — as though the
fowl will appreciate that "new house" smell and
those expensive materials. The trick is to "think
garbage." Translate the materials you need into
"dumpsterese." When you read about a great
project, ask yourself, "Where can I obtain these
materials for free?"

My senior year of college, a friend made a
wonderful dish of pesto for me and my room-
mate, Scott. I knew right away that I wanted to
have this dish all the time, and started thinking
of a way to grow basil leaves on the balcony of
our apartment-style dormitory. I eagerly told
Scott about my idea, showing him some easy-to-
make planters in a book.

"That's great," he said. "But where will we get
all the stuff? "

Taken aback, I said I'd obtain the materials on
my farm. But the tone of his question started me
thinking. What if I didn't have a farm full of
stockpiled supplies? What if all I had was this
little apartment? Rather than grabbing the stuff
from the Hoffman homestead, I decided to
challenge myself and obtain all the materials
right there in town.

I found some flowerpots discarded in the gar-
bage cans at a cemetery. The wood was obtained
behind a grocery store, from peach crates. I
obtained the nails from these same crates. I
found some discarded "Astroturf behind the
college stadium, to protect the wood balcony.
The soil was dug up from a vacant lot, and
baked in our oven to kill the bacteria and weed
seeds. Thank goodness the utilities were in-
cluded in the rent. I did cheat a bit by borrowing
a hammer from the farm, but no big deal. And
Scott "liberated" some sky blue paint with the
help of a contact in the art department, trading
her some dumpster dived hamburgers. She even
painted a lovely white decorative design on the
planters, watching Scott's skinny posterior
whenever he walked by.

And we had our planters! Scott and I ceremo-
niously redeemed some soda cans and bought
the basil seeds. Yes, it was tougher than picking
up all the materials on the farm. But we proved
something. And we didn't have to call up our
neighbors saying, "Got any lumber?"

So translate your projects into dumpster
goods. It's good to have the stuff on hand,
though, rather than running around looking for
stuff. If you see some lumber, grab it. You'll
think of a project later.

One easy-to-acquire item with survivalist
applications is an old screen. You can use these
to make drying racks and preserve your dump-
ster dived produce. You can also dry seeds from,
say, spoiled squash. Being hybrids, these seeds
may produce many different kinds of produce
— not all of these types are large or flavorful.
But they are free, and good for neglected patches
of ground.

No "Bag Lady" Decor

Of course, half the do-it-yourself ideas that I
read about are pretty stupid. These are just ideas
somebody thought up to make use of all the
crap we can't recycle. Frankly, anything can be
made into a lamp. That doesn't mean you need it
in your home. Art is in the eye of the beholder,
but I would rather not behold a wall hanging
created from plastic cups.

Sick people dream up these projects, trying to
save the earth and the precious landfill by
tricking little kids into using piggy banks made
from plastic bleach jugs. If somebody gave me a
bleach-jug-piggybank. I'd cry and scream and
throw a tantrum. I had a real china piggybank...
with a chipped ear. My sister had a matching
china piggybank with a chipped snout. Jed set-
tled for a rubber "sad doggy" bank. All this stuff
was dumpster dived, and we used bleach jugs
and gallon cans to protect plant seedlings. Rainy
day projects with the kids are fun, but why are
so many "kid art" projects pure crap? I've seen
many kids excited about a picture or painting; I
have yet to see any kid truly excited because he
made some "art" from a plastic beverage ring.

More Dumpster Doings 117

This is, quite simply, a highly advanced form of
institutionalized child abuse. This sort of thing
dulls a child's creative drive, makes it a pawn
for some adult eco-game. Teachers who do this
sort of thing should be flogged.

Back-To-Nature Snobbery

Digging through the refuse from a city is the
last thing many self-sufficiency buffs want to do.
And that’s just what these people are — "buffs."
Bark basket-weaving hobbyists. Survival is not a
hobby — it's a goal. It's the goal, the only goal. If
I knew there were some good things behind
Sludge-o-chem, Inc., or a nuclear power plant,
by god. I'd grab that item and use it to build a
glow-in-the-dark rabbit hutch. I exaggerate to
make a point.

The Amish, for example, strike me as ridicu-
lous. If progress is so evil, why use a horse and
buggy? Why not simplify to the point where
people don't have domesticated animals? Let's
really be righteous and take off all our clothes.

I look forward to the day when I can dump-
ster dive hydroponic solutions, supertrain pub-
lic access cards, and books with holograms that
are the right colors. Years ago I found the first
hologram issue of National Geographic, and knew
I had reached a dumpster diving milestone. So-
ciety will continue to advance, but we will still
discard lots of great stuff. Hopefully, it will be-
come easier and easier to achieve a comfortable
level of survival using dumpster materials. One
day, I believe, we will put a dumpster diver on
the planet Mars. God speed the day.

Places To Avoid

Simple... none.

There are no dumpsters you should avoid
unless, of course, the dumpster is locked, well-
lighted, and rigged to explode. (We’ll cover
"obstacles" in the next chapter.)

Some dumpsters are more productive than
others. But even a dumpster behind, say, a bar-
ber shop can have a "hot" day. (Besides, all that

hair is full of nitrogen and minerals — makes
great fertilizer. Six pounds of hair has the
nitrogen of 100 pounds of fertilizer.) When my
wife and I dive a dumpster, we hit the "hot"
dumpster first. Say, for example, a bookstore
behind a minimall. We hit the bookstore first,
then one person drives slowly while the second
person checks the Italian restaurant, beauty
shop, and travel agency. (By the way — I hate
that "perm" smell in beauty shop dumpsters.
Eww! Give me kitty litter any day!)

A scenic vista for your viewing pleasure.

When you raid "hot" dumpsters, raid all
the other dumpsters in the area, too.

This is the kind of thing I mean by your "route."
Say you have six "hot" dumpsters at points A
through F. So you figure out the shortest route to
dive them. But, along the way, you may
encounter numerous other dumpsters. Dive ’em
all. Go through alleys all the way. If you're
young and nimble, run along while your partner
drives. But don't dawdle. If you're old and slow
you can bum up a lot of gas and energy for very
small rewards. Whenever you are in a new area
and have the opportunity, explore. You may
find another "hot" dumpster. I like a nice mix of
diving spots, for variety.

Of course, you should try to incorporate
dumpster diving into your regular driving — no

118 The Art and Science of Dumpster Diving

sense wasting a trip. But don't get so excited that
you show up late for your job.

Keep that positive dumpster diving attitude.
The good stuff is just around the bend and it
won't cost you a thing!

Recycling Programs and Other Obstacles 119

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Chapter 11

Recycling Programs and Other Obstacles

This is a short chapter because, really, there
aren't that many obstacles.

There are, however, some enemies. The biggest
enemy is the ecologically unsound and eco-ter-
rorist sponsored refuse compactor. In this chap-
ter you will learn that "W.O.R.C. makes you
free." That is to say. War On Refuse Compactors.
You will also learn about the intensely retarded
nature of municipal recycling programs, and
why anti-dumpster diving laws aren't worth
fretting about.

Your Enemy, The Compactor

Everybody's enemy, actually. The worst thing
about compactors, from a dumpster diving point
of view, is that perfectly good stuff is destroyed
and/or rendered inaccessible. So let’s explode
some myths about the enemy.

MYTH #1. Compactors save landfill space.

Uh-huh. So, you think once that stuff is com-
pressed it stays compressed like a lump of coal
reduced to a diamond?

Your enemy — the trash compactor.

All the compactor does is keep dumpster di-
vers from acquiring materials, like edible food,
prevent the waste mongering business from re-
quiring several huge dumpsters, which will
mean a bigger refuse pick-up fee and an
"unsightly" alley.

When that "compressed" refuse is unloaded at
the landfill, it has just as much volume as the
other refuse. Landfill savings are non-existent.

120 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Think about this: the garbage truck compacts the
stuff. The sanitary landfill runs bulldozers up
and down all the refuse. So compacting at the
discard point doesn't save any landfill space.

You know what saves landfill space? Ecologi-
cally committed divers like yourself.

MYTH #2. Compactors are good for the environ-
ment.

This wicked lie is merely an extension of
Myth #1. Compactors are, in fact, bad for the
environment in three ways.

• Dumpster divers are prevented from re-
ducing waste bound for the landfill. This not
only strains the landfill, but requires the
growth, manufacture and distribution of
more goods to replace these horribly
squandered items.

« Compactors require electricity. 'Nuff said.

• And, perhaps worst of all, compactors in-
crease toxic landfill seepage.

You know what seeps out of landfills and into
the water table? A noxious, toxic, horrible mix-
ture of pesticides, human waste, carcinogens,
metals and other terrible stuff. The creature in
Alien didn't leak juice this bad.

Any entity that every local governing body in
the country calls "sanitary" is, obviously, an
endless stream of filth. That’s euphemism logic.

Allow me to explain this seepage thing.
Visualize a half-empty can of insect spray.
Somebody tosses it in the dumpster and the gar-
bage truck picks it up. Maybe the can makes its
way to the back of the garbage truck without
exploding. Maybe, just maybe, the bulldozer at
the landfill and the frequent garbage fires miss
exploding the can. So the can is covered with
dirt and garbage and corrodes ever-so-slowly,
leaking that vile bug spray into the water table
at a relatively slow rate.

By the way, all landfills leak to some extent,
and the very worst of them in poorer areas sim-
ply spew. When the landfill management runs
bulldozers up and down the waste, they know
this will increase long-term seepage. But they
don't have a lot of landfill space, so they do it
anyway.

However, what if that can of bug spray goes
in a compactor? Then, the can has several more
opportunities to be crushed. The can arrives at
the landfill, a mass of crumpled metal and liq-
uid, and seeps into the ground water all at once.
Feel thirsty? Good luck.

MYTH #3. Compactors are private property and,
as such, deserve to be respected.

Compactors are the tools of eco-terrorists. And
eco-terrorists deserve whatever they get. The
only time you should hold back is when it's too
risky. And, unfortunately, that is most of the
time.

But, you know, things go wrong with ma-
chines and these things can be difficult to pin
down. Some vagrants I know once disabled a
new compactor by putting super glue all around
the "on" button. Then they sniffed the glue and
were arrested the next morning, passed out.
Their hearts were in the right place, though.
Compacting perfectly good food amounts to a
policy of deliberate starvation of the homeless,
not to mention the environmental impact.
W.O.R.C. could be considered a form of "urban
monkey wrenching." Hey, no decent person
likes to wreck property. But there are times
when we must. And, given sufficient justifica-
tion to soothe one's conscience, it becomes good
clean fun.

W.O.R.C. hard to keep the food free. Hard
W.O.R.C. is its own reward.

Padlocks... Easy As Pie

First of all, not all padlocked dumpsters are
secured all the time. It's a pain in the ass to run
around looking for the key. And for what? To

Recycling Programs and Other Obstacles 121

lock up the garbage? Who gives a damn?! Not snipped dozens of locks. Call it a community
somebody making four bucks an hour. service.

Even padlocked dumpsters are frequently left unsecured.

Most of the time the padlock is welded to a
chain, so you'll have to gum up the lock mecha-
nism to ruin the padlock. If it's not welded, cut
that sucker off with a lock cutter. Dispose of it
properly. After all, you're not an eco-terrorist
like these bastards standing in the way of waste
reduction. Slash thinks it's funny to replace
loose padlocks with an identical padlock —
which, of course, can't be opened with the
original key. I say that’s a waste of a perfectly
good lock. But isn't humor worth a few bucks?
This is especially funny a few hours before
garbage pick-up.

Gates, Fences, Enclosures

Some dumpsters aren't accessible because
they are surrounded by a fence. Other dump-
sters are near truck bays, behind locked gates. A
padlocked gate in front of a truck bay isn't there
to protect the dumpster as much as the truck
bay or loading dock. The business doesn't want
somebody sneaking around the back of their
property stealing equipment or breaking into
the building. You may as well forget this dump-
ster unless faced with impending starvation.

This dumpster enclosure is attached to a building.
You don't want to raid this type of dumpster because
somebody will think you 're a burglar,
not a dumpster diver.

There are a few rare dumpsters with built-in
lock mechanisms. Give ’em blows with a rock.
The business will blame the garbage men...
hopefully.

Is all this stuff risky? You bet. Don't do it un-
less these locks and such are cutting off your
food supply. Weigh the risks carefully. How-
ever, if you are a thrill-seeker I would point out
to you that this sort of thing is more productive
than, say, spray painting walls or throwing
rocks at windows. Fight the bastards by freeing up
the food. Before I moved to the southwest from
the midwest, I went around my area and

Fenced enclosures around dumpsters are a
different matter. These are mostly found behind
fast food places, and serve two purposes.

• Deny access to the dumpster so all those
transients will come inside and buy the $2.99
triple decker. (Get real!)

• Hide unsightly dumpster areas.

Frequently, these enclosures contain equip-
ment such as milk crates or grease encrusted
stuff awaiting a good cleaning. Don't assume the
enclosure is locked. Frequently, there is nothing
but a simple latch. If it is locked, it may be more

122 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

expedient to climb over rather than snipping the
lock or gumming it up. Also, there's no sense
snipping the lock and provoking the bun-stuff-
ing bastards until you establish the value of that
dumpster site. Besides, fast food people are ro-
bots. Cut their lock and they will replace it again
and again.

A dumpster enclosure at a fast food restaurant. This
enclosure has only a simple latch with no lock.

Another fast food enclosure. This one can be accessed with
a little effort, but some are topped with barbed wire.

Check for a way under the fence first. Also,
when you climb out you may be able to reposi-
tion some milk crates or other equipment to
form a step for yourself. But be careful you don't
slip, like Jed's friend, Teddy.

Jed was dumpster diving with Teddy, out of
town, trying to find that hot burger bag. This

was in St. Helga, where Dad befriended the Mat-
thews family. Anyway, Teddy got inside the
enclosure by climbing the fence, but the dump-
ster was almost empty. Teddy was trying to
climb back out, standing on some milk crates,
when he slipped and hurt his ankle.

Though in extreme pain, Teddy kept calm and
pulled out his flashlight. He began flashing the
light through a crack in the board to signal Jed,
who was waiting across the parking lot in the
truck. Jed climbed inside and assessed the situ-
ation. Sure, Jed could climb back out, but Teddy
couldn't. And the enclosure entrance was pad-
locked from the outside.

"Take the tire iron and pry the latch off,"
Teddy suggested.

"I got a faster way," Jed said.

Slash wheeled the nearly-empty dumpster
back a few yards, then slammed it into the door
like a battering ram. He backed up and slammed
it again, knocking the door off its hinges.

Then Jed, no STnall person, picked up Teddy
and began carrying him to the truck.

"Lookit, Jed!" Teddy said, pointing.

Jed looked. The dumpster was rolling across
the inclined parking lot, slowly picking up
speed. It rolled out of the parking lot, bounced
off a curb, and began to make its way down the
darkened road toward Radison Lake public
beach.

Jed followed in the truck to make sure the
dumpster didn't hurt somebody. He heard a
terrific "bang!" as he turned out of the parking
lot.

The dumpster had made its way into the
empty parking lot for Radison Beach, where it
collided with, strangely enough, another dump-
ster. Both dumpsters rolled over a slight curb
and ended up in a pile at the foot of a steep con-
crete embankment, in the sand. They landed in a

Recycling Programs and Other Obstacles 123

position which, Jed told Mom, reminded him of
two cattle mating.

Teddy and Jed looked for a moment, said
"wo-o-o-ow!" and left to fix Teddy's ankle. To
my knowledge, Jed and Teddy are the only two
people alive to witness the mysterious dumpster
mating ritual.

Retarded Recycling Efforts

Getting people to recycle is about as easy as
getting people to poop in their pants., and
roughly equivalent. Dumpster divers will be in
business for at least two centuries, even if recy-
cling efforts go ahead full steam.

Let me explain. Long, long ago, happy little
proto-humans lived in harmony with nature.
They ate bananas and threw away the peels.
When their stone tool broke they tossed it away.
When they had to go doo-doo, they bent over
the branches and cut loose. When a furry little
proto-human died, they put his/her little hands
over his/her chest, laid out some bananas and
stone tools, and buried him in leaf refuse (so he
wouldn't attract predators). Then they cried, ate
a few bananas, went back to the trees and kept
doing their thing.

All this banana-peel-tossing, stone-tool-dis-
carding, cutting loose and proto-human-burying
didn't hurt nature. In fact, the plants grew back
more lushly than before where the proto-hu-
mans were buried, leading to proto-religious
beliefs about the immortal nature of life.

But mankind progressed, discovering useful
stuff like lead-based paint, styrofoam and insec-
ticide. But he still insists on tossing his refuse
around like a furry subhuman, expecting it to
magically transform into a banana tree.

Something else happened, too. Germs were
discovered. This simple but terribly important
discovery caused a profound shake-up of
human society. Before germ theory, spiritual
forces were blamed for illness and disease.
Certain objects were "taboo," or "unkosher," and
certain people could, supposedly, administer

"magic" substances or perform ceremonies to
keep these forces at bay. The all-pervasive
nature of these beliefs cannot be over-em-
phasized.

But the germ theory changed everything.
Suddenly ( too suddenly!) people were told that
natural forces were to blame for disease. Though
remnants of the "spiritual forces" theory exist
everywhere, the majority of people have accept-
ed germ theory. However, they still needed
certain objects or practices to be "unclean." So
the germs became the focus of hate and fear
formerly reserved for the dark spiritual forces.
Garbage — once an emotionally neutral sub-
stance — has become the object of hatred and
revulsion vastly out of proportion to its real
danger. "Germs" have replaced the old "taboo"
and forbidden objects and places. Germs have
become the focus of irrational fear charged with
spiritual themes.

Do you imagine that primitive man held his
nose in revulsion when he smelled the drop-
pings of an animal he was tracking? Of course
not — odors were neither good nor bad, merely
odors. Small children are fascinated by "poo-
poo" and lots of bad-smelling things, until their
parents teach them such things are repulsive
and filled with unknown dangers.

Mankind must come to terms with the spiri-
tual void created by the introduction of the germ
theory. Garbage dumps are poorly-designed
"forbidden zones" for "unclean" objects. We are
being poisoned by our own festering landfills
because we refuse to look refuse in the face, as
though it had the "evil eye." And we are squan-
dering the opportunity to recover millions of
dollars worth of materials at the discard point —
because we fear the dark. Because we fear poo-
poo.

That is one reason I'm proud to be a dumpster
diver. I believe the simple views I have just
stated are important and real. Dumpster diving
brings mankind closer to a rational society in
harmony with the forces of nature and econo-

124 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

mics. We will never colonize the stars until we
deal with our fear of "dirtyness."

And, besides. I'm just a kid at heart and I like
to play with messy stuff.

Americans lead the world in waste. Our coun-
try is one big monkey house, only worse. Mon-
keys aren't afraid of banana peels after they toss
them on the ground.

Some countries, like India, still use leaves to
package their equivalent of ’’fast food." Many
primitive countries rely on a variety of "organic"
materials for packaging purposes. Weepy liber-
als point to these nations and say, "They're not
advanced — they're backward! Boo, hoo, hoo."
Of course, many of these "banana leaf republics"
are acquiring a solid waste problem because
they want First World products and technology.
But it's a fact that America has the world's most
shameful solid waste problem.

To deal with this problem, cities start
"recycling" efforts. The word "recycling" has
such a holistic ring — God forbid we should call
it "resource recovery." Anyway, for a variety of
reasons, only manual separation of garbage at the
point of origin leads to effective waste reduction.

Garbage, you see, is complex stuff, a messy
mixture of plastics, glass, metals, rubber, wood
products, organic stuff, and so forth. It's hard
enough to build a machine that will assemble an
automobile when every part is the same every
time and the end product is a high-value item.
So "disassembling" garbage is tough. Garbage is
different every time, and the end product of all
this effort is worth only a small amount. If we
could build machines smart enough to perform
this complex task we would use these machines
to perform surgery. Garbage would be — and
should be — last on the agenda.

But Americans will move heaven and earth to
avoid putting their hands in trash, even if they
are radically committed to recycling efforts.
What they usually attempt is the "big machine"
approach. Simply build a facility which can take

a truckload of garbage and magically reduce it
to neat little piles of aluminum, copper, plastic,
paper, and so forth. Then they will sell that good
stuff for... er... pennies on the pound. And the
plant will pay for itself. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Crock Of Crap

What a crock of crap! This sort of thinking has
no basis in reality. People are willing to build
multi-million dollar facilities and keep 'em run-
ning on huge infusions of tax dollars just to
avoid dealing with old banana peels. Every one
of these facilities should have a large plaque on
the front of the building with the words, "TO
OUR FEAR OF POO-POO. ICK. YUCKY. BAD."
There shouldn't be a groundbreaking ceremony
for these buildings, but a ritual hand-slapping-
and-loud-bawling ceremony.

But, weird as it sounds, the politicians who
push these monstrosities on the public are, in a
sense, right. These facilities are usually built af-
ter the local landfills are full and efforts to pro-
mote trash separation fail miserably. People hate
and loathe their own waste products.

Oh, a number of people will gather up their
newspapers, save their soda cans and such. A
small number of weepy, pathetic individuals
will wash individual jars and sort by color. But
the vast majority will refuse to deal with their
trash.

Working people say they don't have time...
and it's true. Others say, "Why should I sort my
trash when the businesses don't? When my
neighbor doesn't?" And that’s true, too. Apart-
ment complexes say, "Why should we buy spe-
cial containers? Let the city buy ’em!" People
whine that they can't tell brown glass from clear
glass, slick paper from newsprint, tin from
aluminum. They hold up an example of, say,
plastic and paper bonded together. "And what
am I supposed to do with this?" they whine, self-
righteously. God help me, I actually pity the
politicians who are forced to listen to this mon-
key chatter.

Recycling Programs and Other Obstacles 125

And so, the people who wanted to make
everybody sort their trash are tossed out, and
some new bums promising creative solutions
are tossed in office. Invariably, the "novel
solution" they propose is to build a big waste
processing plant.

"We'll heat the whole city with garbage!" they
cry, like a crazed inventor with paint fumes on
the brain. "We'll take all the recyclables and sell
'em! We’ll build schools, hospitals... a Bamum
Bulltwaddle Community Center!"

Pathetic. Really, we should study the long-
term impact of landfill seepage on human brain
cells. These shallow-thinking paper-pushers will
invariably mention someplace like Finland,
pointing out that "dem Finns" convert 60% of
their waste to energy, heating their cities with
clean-burning refuse. That's like pointing to a
country like Bahrain and saying, "Why can't all
Americans have a free college degree?" The an-
swer to all of this starts with the words,
"Because, stupid...!"

Many cities actually import European waste
processing technology. Then, to make the alien
facility run correctly, they hire hundreds of
people to pick out the paint cans, coolant con-
tainers, aerosol spray cans, old motor oil in
plastic soda bottles, and so forth. European trash
is different than American trash. Period.

Mythical Markets

Furthermore, just because somebody, some-
where is buying paper pulp doesn't mean every
community with a recycling program can read-
ily sell these materials. Newspapers, in particu-
lar, are piling up in old airplane hangers, ware-
houses and other storage areas. Some cities are
paying to get rid of their stockpiled recyclables.
Plastic recycling, in particular, is a joke. Plenty
of plastic containers now bear the "recycle!"
symbol. As if! Hell, you can recycle DDT if you
locate a market.

Worse yet are those ads showing "soil" pro-
duced from a treated disposable diaper. Yeah,
right. In what obscure North Dakota settlement?

There’s a name for this kind of bullshit: eco-
pom. The recycling market just isn't out there,
but businesses will keep pretending it is, they
will keep sponsoring their Potemkin Village dia-
per recycling projects. People will feel less guilty
about discarding their diapers and plastic jugs
and the landfill situation will worsen.

Whenever I see one of those "organic dispos-
able diaper" ads. I'm sorely tempted to go out,
find a dirty diaper, and mail it to these people.

The Worst Part

The worst part is, surely, anti-dumpster div-
ing laws and actual stifling of small recycling ef-
forts.

Sooner or later, you see, the waste recovery
plant doesn't make enough money. The people
running the place whine, "We can't make money
if people are picking all the aluminum and other
good stuff out of the trash." Laws are quickly
passed declaring garbage "municipal property"
and dumpster diving is theft. Small recycling
businesses are bought out by the city.

Think about the stupidity! Dumpster divers
and small recyclers are working efficiently, re-
cycling things and injecting money into the
economy. The waste recovery plant lives off tax
money like a junkie, sucking the local economy
dry. Who gets blamed? The dumpster diver, of
course. And when he stops picking through the
trash, the facility still doesn't make money. And
it will never make money because the whole idea
is flawed from the start, based upon an irra-
tional fear of garbage.

Laws Are Funny Things

Pass a weird law, and everyone is all excited
for sixty to ninety days. Articles appear in the
newspaper, praising or criticizing the new law.
A token arrest is made. Everyone at the city
council shakes each other’s plump, hairy hand.
Then the law is forgotten, except by anal reten-
tive folks who write pissed off letters to the edi-
tor asking, "Why are people still diving dump-

126 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

sters? Where are the police to stop this blatant
infraction?"

If your city passes such a law, lay low for
awhile. Then go back to business as usual. Seri-
ously. You might try to obtain some damaging
material on the sons of bitches who passed the
troublesome law. But that's covered in the next
chapter.

These laws suck, and I don't have answers
about how to eliminate them. We can't rid our-
selves of the drug and solicitation laws, despite
vast numbers of people who would like to
eliminate these laws. Fortunately, enforcing
anti-dumpster diving laws usually ranks right
up there with enforcing minor anti-smoking
laws. When threatened by these laws, narrow
your scope to your best dumpsters to reduce
your risks.

And, of course, good luck.

Information Diving 127

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GARBAGE COLLECTOR IS KING. 1 !

Chapter 12
Information Diving

There’s so much interesting material out there!
If, for some reason, I were only allowed to sal-
vage informative materials, I would still dump-
ster dive constantly. Imagine casually walking
into the residence or business of your choice and
perusing files, letters, photographs, everything.
Imagine picking up a few "mementos" like a
checkbook, credit card, cassette tapes, videos,
floppy discs or you-name-it! Many times Jed and
I have literally jumped up and down with de-
light, saying, "I can’t believe it! This is too great!"

Thank goodness we had access to photo-
copiers at various jobs, because we were always
mailing copies of documents to the local paper,
as well as various gadfly citizens' groups. Some
of the stuff was so hot we had to use gloves.
Rubber gloves, that is.

In this chapter we're going to cover lots of
good stuff: finding incriminating and/or dam-
aging information about enemies, forms of ID,
celebrity trash, dumpster dived coupons and
other goodies for your amusement and enlight-
enment. And I mean YOU! "Information" is so
broad, and the value of what you find depends
so much upon your areas of interest, when you

take up "info diving," you'll be writing your
OWN chapter — maybe a whole book.

However, let me preface the discussion of this
delightful stuff with a word of admonition:
dumpster diving is not the only way or even the
best way to obtain information. Use your library
— especially interlibrary loan. Peruse court-
house documents and newspaper archives. Use
your local historical society and the Freedom of
Information Act.

But dumpster diving is invaluable in two
ways: (1) For finding nuggets of info that can't
be obtained any other way. (2) "Serendipitous"
information, or finding something wonderful
and unexpected. That's a rush.

Trash-Picking Private Eyes

Most books I have read about private investi-
gators mention trash as an excellent source of in-
formation. However, these books cover trash
picking only briefly, with few anecdotes. I think
private eyes are trash pickers more often than
they admit.

128 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Trash can tell you EVERYTHING about a per-
son: What he eats. Where he shops. His income.
His hobbies. His doctor and his medications.
Where he works, plays and stays overnight.
And, of course, you might get lucky and find
something really good: A letter from his escaped
felon brother. A note from a mistress. Old
documents alluding to some long-buried scan-
dal.

Dumpster investigations are also cheap. Fol-
lowing somebody around costs time and gas. If
you simply grab the guy's garbage shortly be-
fore trash pick-up, you’ll save oodles of effort.
Hope your "mark" has his own garbage can.
Sorting through the trash from an entire apart-
ment complex is a bitch.

Personally, I try to avoid making enemies.
Plenty of people interested in "survivalist" topics
are vengeance freaks. They carry around a use-
less burden of misdirected rage, constantly tak-
ing offense at imagined slights. This attitude
only encourages people to actually persecute the
individual in question. I'm not a "vengeance
freak," and so I've seldom found it necessary to
investigate enemies. Furthermore, I'm not intent
on defrauding anybody... though I can't resist
trying to learn how. And the potential in dump-
sters to investigate and defraud is vast.

I have accumulated dozens of checkbooks,
bankbooks, credit cards, forms of ID, incriminat-
ing letters and photographs. This stuff is com-
monplace. You do not need to be at the mercy of
your landlord, ex-wife, boss or slimy local politi-
cos. And the information is cheap, cheap, cheap!
Grab it and start analyzing.

Serendipitous Diving Spots
Photocopy Centers

Years ago, a photocopy center set up shop in
Hoffmanville. I was thirteen, and had just com-
pleted a hundred page manuscript about an in-
vasion from Venus. My father was trying to ob-
tain a scholarship for me to attend a "gifted kids"
program at the University of Minnesota. How-
ever, the scholarship form had to be filled out in
triplicate, with photocopies of the kid's creative

efforts attached to each copy. At a page, this
was starting to be some serious change.

One day, my dad was making some photo-
copies relating to his VA benefits. The clerk
handed him a little card, explaining that each
time you made more than twenty-five copies the
card was stamped. Ten stamps meant a hundred
free copies.

My dad quickly grasped the dumpster diving
implications of this concept. WTiat happened to
the stamped-up cards which were redeemed for
free copies? Might a daring diver find some of
these cards and redeem them again? He might!

It was late in the evening, and I was sitting in
the truck eating a dumpster-dived jelly dough-
nut and drinking a cola. I was planning, in my
head, part two of my Venus Invasion trilogy. I
had peered in the dumpster for the copy center,
but noted only bags of discarded paper. But
when Dad walked outside and said, "Throw all
those bags in the back. All of 'em," I just said,
"Yes, sir.”

We hauled the bags into the living room and
began looking for the cards in question. Almost
right away, we found half a dozen.

"Keep looking," Dad told me and Jed. "In a
few months we may need more copies."

Jed and I nodded, and kept sorting. I saved
some blank sheets for typing paper and tossed
the rest in our blazing fireplace.

"What’s that?" Dad asked, suddenly. "That
thing with the star at the top."

I handed Dad a rather dark photocopy of a let-
ter. Dad looked at the letter intently, reading
through the excess toner. It was, as it turned out,
a carefully-worded letter from the assistant city
police chief to the chief of police. The assistant
chief made reference to "selective enforcement"
of traffic laws in favor of certain city officials.
The assistant mentioned "grumbling" by the
lower ranks of law enforcement and wondered if

Information Diving 129

a tactful word to these lead-footed city officials
might be appropriate.

"Well, shit," Dad muttered, and sat there for a
while looking at the letter.

We didn't find any more "hot" documents,
though we found some interesting and personal
stuff that was fun to read as we tossed it in the
fire. Anyway, Dad didn't do anything with the
letter immediately. He figured somebody had
photocopied the document for a reason —
maybe this person was going to send a copy to
the newspaper. So Dad watched the paper for a
couple weeks. When nothing happened. Dad
sent a copy of the letter to the local paper. And
he managed to cause a small but intense contro-
versy to erupt. It was a powerful feeling to
watch the crap fly back and forth and know you
caused all the trouble. Dad warned us in no un-
certain terms to keep our mouths shut. As
poachers, dumpster divers, and welfare form
fiddlers, we had no problem knowing enough to
remain discreet.

Some years later, Jed and I were doing the
"route" by ourselves. I reminded Jed about the
"ticket controversy," and wondered aloud if we
might find something similar in the garbage
from the copy center. So we kidnapped the gar-
bage and perused it. Though we didn't find any-
thing as hot as the police letter, we found
enough interesting stuff that first night to con-
vince us of the dumpsite's potential. After that,
we grabbed the copy center garbage a few times
a month. Call it a public service. Some people
are public watchdogs. We’re public trash
hounds.

Eventually, we found stuff that was better
than the police letter. We found lots of stuff that
wasn't so scandalous, but still informative. Some
of our information erupted in the papers; most
didn't. But, hopefully, hard questions were
raised, rumors started, and the entire weekends
of certain politicians ruined. A good controversy
would cause us to dive the dumpster several
times a week, hoping for more "pay dirt." We’d
sit in our converted grainery, feeding an old
Franklin stove with the "reject" papers, formulat-

ing the wildest plots. These are some real fond
memories for me.

Years of hitting these photocopy places has
taught me a lot. First, these places are hot where
info is concerned. Dig through papers from an
office and you'll find mostly crap. However, a
wide variety of people use photocopy centers for
important papers. These people frequently make
several attempts to adjust the copy size and level
of toner, not to mention aligning the papers cor-
rectly. Often "paste-ups" of originals are dis-
carded. Lots of times sensitive copies are ripped
in half, and both halves are discarded. Easy as
pie!

The sheer variety of these dumpsters is won-
derful. You'll find everything from little old
ladies complaining about dry cleaning to sensi-
tive memos from the campaign headquarters of
congressmen. One of these days I expect to find
a ransom note. You can't expect much monetary
gain from these places — but it's fun. Try it and
you’ll like it.

Photo Processing Places

I promised you pictures of people you know
engaged in sexual acts, didn't I?

Photo processing places charge a lot for pho-
tos, but the number of perfectly good discarded
prints is amazing. As they adjust the color and
exposure of their print maker, thousands of
prints are discarded. These aren't fuzzy, discol-
ored photos, either. The photos are often stuck
together, however. If they won’t come apart eas-
ily, dunk them in barely warm (not hot!) water.
Gently separate the pics and let them dry. You'll
also find empty bottles of chemical crap and lots
of metal film casings. You may find a soda can
or two and discarded bags of fast food. Pray that
nobody at your local photo processor consumes
shelled sunflowers while running the machine.
Or chews tobacco.

It's best to dive photo places in small towns.
You'll obtain more pics of people you know.
However, even in big cities people tend to use
the nearest photo place. My college was in a

130 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

fairly large city, but practically the whole cam-
pus used an "Hour Foto" down the street.

Photo developing businesses are a great spot for "info
diving. " Here, a dumpster diver displays photos
of a sexy classmate in lace bra.

There's a number of things you can do with
these photos, not all of which are malicious.
Frankly, I like to have photos of people I know.
Naturally, I can take pictures of these people.
But dumpster diving is like having a person
hand you pictures from his/her album, saying,
"Here's a nice shot of me with my niece. Oh,
here's an ugly shot of me in the hospital. Here's
me in a string bikini. Here's me exposing one
breast..."

Once, a girl dumped me because of my
wicked ways, leaving me without so much as a
wallet-sized pic. I saw her going into the Hour
Foto one day, and kidnapped their trash that
very night. I managed to obtain some great pic-
tures of this girl, which soothed my broken heart
a lot. A few times I have found photos of myself
taken at parties. Finding a picture of yourself in
a black plastic bag is always a jarring
experience. Stare into dumpsters long enough
and they stare into YOU.

Analyzing dumpster photos is fun. Docu-
ments are pretty straightforward but photos call
for intuition and insight. Scott and I used to sit

in our dorm doing this, saying stuff like "Gee,
she said her parents had money... but what a
crappy kitchen!" Or, perhaps, "Who is this guy?
I thought she went with Paul So-and-so.
Hmmm." It's good clean fun — except when you
find something really hot. The kind of people
who disrobe in front of a camera don't care if the
photo processor gets an eyeful. And this is more
frequent than you might imagine, especially
around colleges. Really, you must dumpster
dive a college-oriented photo place right after
Spring Break. You must. I insist.

Some places will develop the film but refuse
to print the x-rated prints. However, thanks to
the automated process, the photo place doesn’t
know which pics are x-rated until they print a
few. And, frankly, most places don’t give a
damn. You might even find a clerk or two with
his own "special album." I saw a case like that on
a "tell all" show. The problem wasn't his album
so much as the fact he dragged it out at parties.

People are surprisingly uninhibited in front of
their own cameras. Ask Gary Hart. You might
break a scandal wide open and make history.

Government Offices

People are compelled to give all sorts of infor-
mation to the government. This information
may be especially valuable in a small town set-
ting. I've always found county seats to be a fas-
cinating dive. Many times Slash and I have re-
trieved forms from the welfare office and ob-
tained the financial details about our friends and
neighbors. Invariably, we would find these
people weren’t declaring income from lucrative
"odd jobs." Since they weren't our enemies, and
since we were more dedicated to the principles
of economic freedom than the rewards of snitch-
ery, we would simply put these documents in
big ol' manila envelopes and file 'em for future
reference. We had boxes and boxes of odd pa-
pers labeled "MISC. DIRT."

One time, I recall, we came close to using this
information. Jed was participating in a play after
school hours, and one of the Ruben kids had to
stay after class every day for some stupid in-
fraction of the rules. "Billy" Ruben's big brother

Information Diving 131

"Elmo" would pick him up with the
"Rubemobile," an old Cadillac held together
with baling wire. Jed was a husky young lad,
but Elmo was big as a baby whale. He would
find Jed, waiting for his ride, and rough him up.
Dad wouldn’t let Jed carry his "bag blade" to
school, so Jed was taking quite a beating. Dad
broke his "non-interference" policy to call up Mr.
Ruben and told him to instruct Elmo to keep his
slimy flippers to himself.

"Aw, who gives a shit?" replied Mr. Ruben —
liquored to the gills, as usual. "Kids will be kids.
Your kid just can't take it."

"And your kid is no kid," Dad replied. "I don’t
call twenty-one a kid, even if he is just an elev-
enth grader."

"Fuck off, Hoffman!" Ruben replied.

"Listen up!" Dad said. "I didn't want to do
this, but you're leaving me no choice. You know
your gravel pit?"

"Yeah?" Ruben replied, sobering up a bit.

"You're selling hundreds of dollars in gravel
to a certain construction company and not de-
claring it to the welfare people, aren't you?" Dad
asked. "And you've been doing that for years."

"What makes you say that?" Ruben asked,
quite alarmed.

"I know it for a fact," Dad said. "And I don’t
give a shit whether you cheat the government.
More power to you. But if Elmo puts his hands
on Jed one more time, I will turn you in faster
than a bartender will throw a wooden nickel
back at you. Try me."

Dad hung up. And Jed never had any more
problems with Elmo Ruben.

Personally, I'm a "memo man." Blackmail is
not my thing. I'm more interested in contro-
versial interoffice memos that I can provide to
the press for scandal purposes. And I'm very fair
in one regard: ALL public officials are fair game.

So many times I have seen "grass roots" or-
ganizations or individual "gadflies" doing battle
with city hall. Their usual approach is to pore
through public records, looking for stuff missed
by the press — $50,000 for conventions and of-
fice furniture, that kind of thing. This is an excel-
lent approach. But anybody willing to spend
hours and hours digging through public records
should be willing to invest an hour or two pe-
rusing documents which were supposed to be
destroyed. Yes, I mean the garbage.

Public records are on file for years or even
decades and centuries. Garbage — a fragile,
lovely thing — lasts but a moment. Personally, I
would run straight for the trash and save the
public records for a cold, rainy day.

One small problem, folks. Government
buildings almost always have some kind of gar-
bage security. When it comes time to spend the
money in the "physical improvements" budget
you can bet some brown-nose will suggest a big
ol’ fence around the dumpsters. These are the
same bastards who can't do their dull little job
without new equipment, new furniture, frequent
"seminars" and so forth.

However, plenty of government offices are set
up in temporary locations without dumpster se-
curity. Social security offices located in mini-
malls, for example. I've seen everything from the
local branch of the FDA to small chambers of
commerce located in these unsecured locations.
There is so much good stuff, both in the form of
fascinating information and in the form of de-
lightfully blank forms, stationary, ID blanks,
and lots of unused stamps on urunailed enve-
lopes. These places are also a cheap source of
such things as manila envelopes and file folders.
Why pay retail? Why pay?

Police dumpsters are particularly fascinating
— and risky. As a journalist I would go to the
police station every few days to read the Initial
Complaint Reports, or "ICRs." These were fasci-
nating and fun, but rarely important enough to
make the paper. After my job with the paper
was finished, I would grab the police garbage

132 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

every so often just to keep current. One of our
friends was having a terrible time with a certain
neighbor always reporting "suspicious" activity
at his perfectly innocent parties. I found a par-
tially-typed ICR and was able to confirm the
identity of the complainer. Of course, this was
just a document I found by accident. Most things
you find are like that. Be flexible and creative.

Private Organizations

These places have less dumpster security and
can be almost as much fun as government
dumpsters. And, of course, many of these or-
ganizations deserve to be investigated and op-
posed. I know one woman whose son was se-
verely mistreated by a drug rehab program. She
dug through the organization's dumpster look-
ing for incriminating documents and the names
of people she could contact to see if their chil-
dren reported similar mistreatment. She found
both.

I saw another instance where this sort of activ-
ity made a tremendous impact and caused all
kinds of problems for the organization in ques-
tion. This involved Jed's friend, Teddy, and his
mother "Mrs. Spooner."

Mrs. Spooner was a nice lady who made deli-
cious homemade desserts. She was the pretty
young widow of a man who didn’t believe in in-
surance. She was a dedicated mother, a reason-
ably open-minded lady. There was only one is-
sue that could transform her into a foaming-at-
the-chops wild woman: the abortion issue. She
said rosaries daily for the unborn children. She
spent many hours a week working for her cause.
So, when an organization doing abortion refer-
rals set up shop in St. Helga, Mrs. Spooner was
beside herself.

Previous to this, Teddy and Jed spent many
happy hours rummaging through papers in our
converted grainery, which they jokingly called
"INTEL II." One day Teddy found a paper re-
lated to Mrs. Spooner’s issue. It was only a
photocopy of an article, but the paper started
Mrs. Spooner thinking. What sort of documents
might she find behind the "Women's Choice" of-
fice?

Poor Teddy really screwed himself. His radi-
cally dedicated mother insisted on raiding the
office dumpsters nightly. She even dropped her
second job and took up home daycare so she
would be free to raid and rummage.

The first night they encountered a padlocked
dumpster. This was no problem for Mrs.
Spooner. She purchased twenty-five padlocks of
that exact type and tried all the keys until one
worked. Then she returned twenty-four of the
locks for her money back. After all, this was her
cause. Monetary risk was no object.

Mrs. Spooner found all kinds of good stuff.
Receipts from contractors doing work in the of-
fice. (Promptly boycotted by members of Mrs.
Spooner's church.) Names and addresses of
women and girls requesting information and
services. (Promptly contacted by members of
Mrs. Spooner's church.) Names and addresses of
individuals working in the office. (Promptly
harassed by members of Mrs. Spooner’s Church.
And I mean harassed.) A copy of a letter to the
editor concerning the harassment. (Mrs. Spooner
called the paper, impersonated the writer, and
asked that the letter not be published.) And so
forth.

The people at the office were going nuts try-
ing to figure out the source of these "leaks." They
even accused each other of being "spies." One
worker was fired and filed a lawsuit. The repu-
tation of the organization plummeted because
they couldn't keep anything confidential.

Mrs. Spooner never left a clue about her ac-
tivities. She would carefully replace the garbage
after rummaging. Eventually, the office closed
up shop... much to Teddy's delight. Mrs.
Spooner detailed her methods to other people
involved in her cause. The info was, I presume,
passed all over the country.

Mrs. Spooner's activities (love 'em or hate 'em)
illustrate an important principal: the value of
dumpster information is in the eye of the be-
holder. Where a person does his dry cleaning
may be of no importance to me. However, to

Information Diving 133

somebody intent on destroying that person,
such information is like gold.

Jed went along with Mrs. Spooner and Teddy
one night, just to learn about practical dump-
ster-based harassment techniques. Jed looked
through the papers a bit and thought to himself,
"This is shit." The only thing of value to Jed were
the names of local girls who apparently went
"all the way." But these papers were like gold to
Mrs. Spooner.

Jed had even more bizarre dealings with Mrs.
Spooner's group, dealings that involved a hu-
man fetus. But I'll tell you more about that later.

Thy Neighbor's Mail

The best place to obtain mail is in residential
areas. But another interesting dive is the local
post office.

Plenty of people with post office boxes open
their mail on the spot, read it, and discard it.
This is especially common with bills they do not
intend to pay.

One of my friends was particularly fond of
ordering books and magazines, then refusing to
pay the bills. He would claim he never ordered
the books, somebody else did it to harass him.

One day I was rummaging through some dis-
carded mail and found a bill for more than $50
from a seller of "quality publications." The bill,
which was unopened, bore the address of my
friend.

Just for kicks, I called my friend and pre-
tended to be a bill collector. At first, "Fingers"
told me to take a leap. He had not ordered any
books. Somebody was ordering stuff to harass
him, and he didn’t owe the company a dime or
the return of their books.

But I was firm. I stated that we had matched
handwriting samples at Fingers' bank. Third
Digit National. I said we had matched the fin-
gerprints on the mail-in cards with prints on file
at the local sheriffs department. We were, I said,
prepared to file a class-action suit on behalf of

one dozen other book companies. We were also
considering charges of mail fraud. If Fingers
didn't pay his bill TODAY, he could expect an
arrest warrant. Other companies might just roll
over, I said, but not "Quality Publications," mak-
ers of fine books and magazines.

I was so convincing that Fingers capitulated.
He offered to mail me a check. I said a sales rep
would come by and pick up the check person-
ally.

Let me tell you, Fingers was pretty pissed off
when I showed up on his doorstep and said, "So
where's my fifty bucks?"

Of course, I find bills of this type all the time.
But, like I said, fraud isn't my thing.

Another thing I like to do is "check" electric
bills. A couple years ago I called the electric
company and disputed my bill. The company
said they would send out a meter reader to
double check the reading.

"What does this cost me?" I asked.

"Nothing!" said the utility rep. "It's a free
service."

The next day I saw the meter reader doing his
thing. After that, I would have my meter re-
checked monthly — just because I hate the elec-
tric company. But I also "check” about ten other
people's bills every month. Call it a public serv-
ice. One time I became so pissed off about some-
body’s bill that the company rep said, "Do you
want me to just disconnect your service, Mr.
Garcia?"

"Why...no!" I said, quickly.

I also like to call up the credit card companies
and find out everyone's current balance. All you
need is their account number (on the receipt)
and you can hazard a guess at the zip code if
they live in your area. Of course, to cancel the
account or change the address all I would need
is the cardholder's date of birth, social security
number, a few things of that nature. A few

134 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

weeks later I could ask that a card be issued in
the name of my "girlfriend" and sent to the ficti-
tious address.

Yes, it's a bit more complicated than I've de-
scribed. But it's amazing what you can do with a
little information. And, of course, Loompanics
Unlimited provides many quality publications
on these subjects. Dumpster diving can reduce
your risk of detection while obtaining informa-
tion. Read books on these topics and "translate"
the contents to dumpsterese.

I’m more of a "performance artist" than some-
body intent on fraud. For a couple of years I
thought it was fun to call up a certain credit card
company, request some harmless information
about obtaining a credit increase (which they
would sometimes offer me on the spot), then
mention casually that I'd read certain terrible
things about their company and didn't know if I
wanted to stick with such an awful bunch of
people. The abject groveling was always amus-
ing.

Postage-paid return envelopes are also oodles
of fun. I use these envelopes to distribute my fa-
vorite propaganda nation-wide. Several times.
Slash and I have written amusing tracts detail-
ing bizarre theories. Our favorite is "cartoon
balloting," a theory we actually believe whereby
individuals express political discontent by vot-
ing for cartoon characters. We drop the tracts in
the envelopes, then sit back and laugh while
huge corporations pay to receive our weird
propaganda.

Back to the post office. Most of the discarded
mail consists of "bulk" mailings and "stuffers."
However, I often find nice stamps from other
nations, even return envelopes with "good"
stamps on 'em. Soak in warm water, peel off
carefully, and dry. Use paste to attach the sal-
vaged stamp to your own envelope.

Lots of different companies have "contests" in
which they give away a small prize like a fax
machine or a dozen raspberry bushes. Many of
the companies are kind enough to provide a
postage-paid return envelope. Personally, I'm

not a "contest nut." My mother and my wife are
both contest nuts, and also frequent winners. So,
whenever I see a discarded contest offer I grab it.
Small scale contests (the "free fax machine" type)
can be modified with a simple name change. For
stuff like sweepstakes, my wife calls the com-
pany's "800" number or drops a postcard in the
mail and asks to be put on their list. In the past
she has won watches, dogfood, a phone, $50 and
all kinds of other small freebies. She's convinced
that, one day, she'll win something really big. I
think this is all pretty silly, but I'm not one to
talk since I'm a "junkmail junkie."

Another interesting item found in discarded
mail is porno. There’s more of it among your
tightly-buttoned neighbors than you might
think. Many of the companies which sell porno
mail out their catalogs every month, seldom
making any real changes. The customer soon be-
comes bored and discards the catalog as soon as
he receives it. You can tell which envelopes con-
tain porno catalogs by the following criteria:

• Moderately thick, big enough to hold a small
catalog.

• A return address like "Entertainment Pro-
ducts" or "XYZ, Inc." Something that sounds
fun, but cryptic.

• Outside markings like, "TO BE READ BY
ADDRESSEE ONLY.” This is a dead
giveaway.

You can enjoy paging through the catalogs
yourself or simply make a note that your neigh-
bor, Mr. Blewnose, actually likes "red hot trans-
vestites in high heels." You might even obtain a
clue as to which of your neighbors likes to get
wild and naked.

More rarely, you'll find the actual magazines.
Lots of people receive gift subscriptions to
magazines they don't enjoy. I know just where
to look every month for a copy of Penthouse and
National Geographic.

Information Diving 135

Dumpster dived return mail cards can result in nice
freebies by mail, like this butter substitute
and 5 pound boxes of mix.

Specialized Publications

This is a good place to mention this favorite
item of mine. As I've stated before, I can't get
enough of ’em. I’ve learned about "pain compli-
ance techniques" reading Police magazine. I've
learned how vendors position soda machines for
maximum sales, and I’ve learned about new
products designed to look "fresh and tasty" after
eight hours on a "hot rack." Many times I've
saved myself money and hassle by learning the
"tricks of the trade." Everybody's trade, that is.
Libraries sometimes have a few of these publi-
cations, but dumpsters contain stuff you can't
obtain anywhere else with the same ease.

But there's another reason I love these maga-
zines — free samples! I always send away the
postage-paid return cards requesting "more in-
formation." Frequently, this "information" ar-
rives in the form of a free sample. This is espe-
cially true of the food industry.

Ah, but you're saying, they won't send me
anything because I'm not a chef or a hotel man-
ager or anything. Not true! I've been doing this
thing since the age of eleven, and it doesn't
make any difference. Here are the main "tricks."

• Never fill out any of the "extra information."

For example, most of these return mail cards

ask for the name of your business, number of
employees, annual sales, etc. Skip all this
stuff, even if the card says you must fill it out.
Half the time they will send you the stuff,
anyway. DO sign and date your request. But
otherwise, provide ONLY your address.

• Never put your phone number on the card,
even if they say you must. Half the time they
will send you the stuff anyway.

Sometimes they will find out your number
and call you. If they call you, immediately say,
"I don't recall providing you with my home
phone number." Be vague. Be rude even. They
won’t be able to tell you from their other
"prospects."

Sometimes, I actually engage the salesman in
conversation, learning from these enthusiastic
people all the latest advances in "ultra-sonic
vacuum leak detection." My little junk mail
hobby keeps me abreast of high tech stuff so I
can keep writing good science fiction.

Certain kinds of companies will always call.
Insurance people. Various investment firms.
Non-profit organizations. Military recruiters.
Some places that offer to "send information" will
do nothing but call you. They don't even have
materials prepared for mailing.

I always say, "Look, I’ll be happy to look over
any information you might send me by mail, but
I’m a busy guy and don’t want to talk with you
right now."

• Send away for everything. Your name will
end up on everybody’s list and you'll receive
junk mail you never even requested. You'll
have the opportunity to receive free subscrip-
tions to some of these publications. Then you
won't have to locate them in dumpsters.

• Ignore expiration dates on return mail cards
unless the dates are several years old.
"Expired" cards are frequently answered and,
in any case, it costs you nothing.

136 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Lots of people hate junk mail. Well, that's
them. I love the stuff. I love the slick illustrations,
the intense sales pitches, the paper I can use to
start the fireplace. It gives me a sick thrill to set
apple crates ablaze with a bonded paper letter
that begins, "Dear Drilling Site Supervisor." In
fact, I love all my unearned salutations.

I also have another reason for this hobby, a
sort of weird and highly subjective reason for
liking junk mail. It's my way of "taxing" corpo-
rations. Corporations cheat me by collecting
sales tax on the items they sell. Traitors. Who
hired them to do the government's work?

So I "tax" the bastards right back. By demand-
ing information I cost them time, postage and
materials. Sure, I can’t extract as much value
from the materials as it costs the corporation to
mail the stuff. But they can't obtain much value
from my tax dollars, either, since the money
goes to the government. So it's a draw. Every
year, businesses extract hundreds of dollars in
taxes from me and I extract hundreds of dollars
in postage from them. When they let up. I'll let
up.

When the government taxes you, it obtains in-
formation it will probably use against you.
That's what I do, too. I tax corporations and de-
mand information I will probably use against
them. I am a sovereign government unto myself.
And it's grand. I recommend it highly.

Two more reasons I love junkmail are the "big
brother" factor and "micro-immortality." Sit back
and let me explain this weirdness.

First, regarding "big brother." Every time you
make a move it goes in a file or computer.
Somebody can come along and use this infor-
mation against you. So, you can do two things.
You can make as few moves as possible, cover-
ing your tracks, hoping information isn't being
accumulated for use against you. Or you can
mess with their minds by putting yourself on
every list in sight. Apply for everything. Ask for
information about everything. Put your name
everywhere. If you want information from the
Libertarians, ask for info from the Communists,

Expansionists, Grassroots Party, Demopubli-
cans, Repocrats, everybody.

I pity the individual or computer that tries to
accumulate information about me. I've re-
quested info about every group, every piece of
equipment, every profession, every school, every
product, you-name-it. I've sent in warranty reg-
istration cards for hundreds of appliances I don't
own. I have joined virtually every group that
doesn't charge to become a member. My com-
puter file must resemble... well, a pile of refuse.

Most of these things I do to obtain informa-
tion. But there's the "big brother" factor, too. My
philosophy about that is don't hide — mess with
big brother's head.

The second reason is "micro-immortality." I
like to put my name on mailing lists for the
same reason people carve their names on a tree,
have children, write books... I want to live for-
ever.

When my paternal grandfather died, we had
his mail forwarded to our farm. Five years later
we were still receiving mail in his name. It was
like a little piece of him was still alive. I like the
idea of my name and address multiplying like a
living thing and spreading through databanks
forever.

So, you're wondering, how much mail do I re-
ceive? Well, I average twenty-five pieces a day.
When I was a kid I was more dedicated, going to
the library monthly and ripping all the "bingo"
mail-in cards from dozens of magazines. Back
then we left a bushel basket in front of our rural
mailbox. I once received a hundred and twenty-
seven pieces of mail in one day. People would
call from New York offering to sell me gold
futures. My mom always got a kick out of telling
them I was an eleven-year-old kid who enjoyed
receiving such mail. Our living room looked like
an embassy office under siege as we burned
papers in the fireplace.

Once I received a mailing from a company
selling software that could, so they claimed,
eliminate "unproductive" names from mailing

Information Diving 137

lists. People, in other words, who just liked to
receive mail... like me.

I sent the company a letter detailing my sor-
did life of junkmail addiction — right down to
the part about digging in the trash. I pointed out
that, obviously, their software had some holes in
it if they sent an offer to somebody like me. For a
fee, I wrote, I would show them how to pinpoint
"unproductive" names. They never wrote back. I
should have just mailed a copy of my letter to
Omni.

I'm not above using my initials or calling my-
self "Joan Hoffman" in order to receive more
mail. When I was first dating my wife, she told
me one night that she had to run out and obtain
a certain painkiller used mostly by females. I
said, "Here. Somebody mailed me a sample."

You know what else you can find in discarded
mail? Stickers! I'm crazy about stickers and stuff
like Easter seals. In fact, Easter seals are the offi-
cial stamp of my sovereign self-government. The
letters always arrive "postage due," IF they ar-
rive, but is it my fault nobody recognizes my
government? Anyway, I love stickers. I love to
put stickers on everything, creating whole walls
of stickers. The overall effect is a sort of mad,
sticky colorful commercial and political collage.
I think it's a hoot to see a Pat Robertson bumper
sticker next to a sticker that says, "YES! SEND
MY FREE X-RATED VIDEO!"

I'm just a kid at heart who loves stickers. And
discarded mail is full of stickers, even the kind
that say, "THIS HOME PROTECTED BY BOND
HOME SECURITY ALARM CO." My home is
protected — shouldn’t yours be, too?

Here’s a tip: one of the best places to obtain
mail without skulking around behind the post
office is the "mailroom" of a local apartment.

Discarded mail played a role in an encounter I
had with some rat poison. I was diving in a
lovely residential apartment complex when I
spotted a discarded box full of personal papers.
The papers seemed to be in regard to local police
matters. There were also dozens of copies of Po-

lice magazine and a nice pile of books about self-
defense subjects. Only one problem: the box was
covered with a white, powdery substance. It
wasn't flour and it wasn't cocaine.

I found an empty box in the same dumpster
and began to remove the articles one by one. I
shook off the majority of the rat poison and
dropped the items in my box. When I arrived
home I took the box to our bathroom and set it
in the tub. I turned up the fans to keep the air
moving and began to carefully wipe each item
with a wet rag. The letters I simply read and
tossed away, since they were interesting but not
valuable or incriminating.

Our pet rabbit peeked in the bathroom door-
way. She loves to chew on paper.

"Scat!" I said, closing the door to keep the
dumb bunny out.

Well, perhaps I should have just locked the
bunny in her cage. The air didn't flow as freely
once I closed the door. And the materials were
so interesting! I must have spent an hour in that
bathroom wiping off books and perusing letters.
I was wearing rubber gloves but probably in-
haled small amounts of rat poison.

Suddenly, I felt dizzy. My heart was beating
rapidly. I felt like vomiting and passing out at
the same time. I left the bathroom and sat down.

Luckily, the symptoms passed in half an hour
or so. Dying from rat poison in a lavatory would
have been an inglorious end to a master diver. I
had saved all the books, so I just took the rest of
the "poison letters" and tossed 'em out.

Anyway, be warned. There have been many
times I’ve boldly rummaged amid rat poison,
grabbing one or two non-food items. But I try to
limit my exposure. Those interesting letters just
tempted me too badly.

Celebrity Trash

Ah, many is the time I've thought of moving
to Hollywood, California to begin a life of

138 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

beachcombing, screen writing and dumpster
diving.

Ah, Hollywood. Good supermarkets... nice
climate... and celebrity trash with a decent resale
value. That's the life for me.

Most of my "celebrity" dives have been limited
to the trash of local officials. However, I once
worked in a luxury hotel and had the opportu-
nity to scrounge numerous souvenirs from ce-
lebrity visitors. These included rock stars, movie
stars and political candidates. I found a quick
market in the "groupies" hanging around the ho-
tel.

If you have a celebrity in your area, be aware
of this: celebrities frequently have private secu-
rity and these people are all-too-aware of the
tendency of celebrity garbage to "walk off."
Some years ago I watched one of those "real
people" shows which featured a celebrity-trash
raider. He had souvenirs from such notables as
Richard Nixon. Unfortunately, he didn't sell the
stuff — he just made artsy collage things.

I'm sure YOU are smarter than that.

Trashy Art

People who prefer pictures of Labrador re-
trievers and duck decoys to abstract expression
have been calling modem art "trash" for dec-
ades. But some art has actually gone in a trashy
direction, using discarded materials for the pur-
pose of artistic expression. Some of this is just
"bleach jug piggybank" stuff... in other words, a
bleeding heart attempt to save the world from
plastic beverage rings. But plenty of "trash" art is
quite good. And it's good for this reason: you
can find ANYTHING in the trash.

Your means of expression are not limited to
eggshells and fish skeletons... despite the illus-
tration I saw, recently, for a "trash art" show in a
major southwestern gallery. How insulting, I
thought. What a stereotype! Would they show a
black artist painting pictures of fried chicken
and watermelon? Dumpsters are so much more
than food refuse. I've been diving for more than
a decade and have yet to see a fish skeleton with

head, despite the cartoons which show this to
illustrate "garbage" in visual shorthand.

Where else but a photo processing dumpster
can you acquire thousands of color prints for use
in art projects... FREE? For absolutely nothing,
you can obtain wild stuff like telephone parts,
giant cardboard cut-outs, uniforms, and all the
glass, plastic, paper, cardboard and cloth you
can haul off. FREE! Dumpster diving artistes
don't have to work food service jobs to buy ma-
terials. Get your supplies FREE and spend your
time doing what you love.

As you've noted throughout this book, mem-
bers of my diving clan love the colors, smells,
tastes, and textures of discarded materials. Often
we use the items we find in a certain way to
produce a unique look or feel. Art doesn't have
to be in a museum to touch your soul, to stir
something within you. I’ve been drug free my
whole life, but many times I will see a weed-
filled crack in a sidewalk or a discarded piece of
clothing in a vacant lot; I stop, look for a while,
and say "Wow" a lot.

When Slash decorated his room with road
signs, x-rays and rubber masks... when we cov-
ered the side of a building with multi-colored li-
cense plates... when we used a brightly-colored
shelving unit for a chicken roost... these were in-
stinctive integrations of art into our daily lives.
The art is highly subjective and may only appeal
to us. But it appeals to us at a deep, wordless
level. We love it, and we don't give a shit what
the world calls "real" art.

Perhaps my happy descriptions of discarded
commercial bric-a-brac in a hog farm context
don't strike a chord with you. But maybe you
become ecstatic over military items. Western
things. Old phones. Orchids. Cacti. Van Gogh.
Seashells. Whatever is a unique tum-on to you,
well, THAT'S how I feel about the inside of a
dumpster.

Jed and I know one guy who is crazy about
antlers, bones and horns. Whenever we found a
discarded rack of antlers we would sell 'em to
this guy for some quick cash. He made wonder-

Information Diving 139

ful objects for sale, but the point of these sales
was to allow him time to work with his favorite
things: antlers, bones and horns.

Personally, I'm crazy about fossils, soda cans,
and old newspapers. I would love to have a
huge home decorated with these objects. But
that's me. Other people like antlers or old
Chevys.

My aesthetic sense and dumpster diving ma-
tured together. I can look in a dumpster, see a
circle of discarded cigarette butts smeared with
lipstick, and say, "Wow!" Ancient Indian pot-
tery, on the other hand, makes me say, "That's
nice." If I weren’t a writer, I would probably
make art objects using dumpster materials. And
I would be happy as a hog with a bucket of
pasta. Ancient Indians probably felt the same
way about their pottery.

Both Slash and I have pursued careers as
writers, though Slash is very involved with what
could be called drama or "performance art."
Bekka has become a sketch artist and painter
who also creates expensive quilts with modem
materials. So I suppose all three of us grew up to
become artists, sharing a common "dumpster
eye."

Dumpster diving was never purely a matter of
survival to us. We did it because we liked doing it,
because it was incredibly fun and, weirdly
enough, beautiful and mind-expanding. We did
it to defy stale convention even as we hid our
activities. To us, discarded tomatoes weren't just
food, they were beautiful. We were eating (and
smelling and tasting and seeing and touching)
beauty. And garbage. And there was no line to
distinguish beauty from garbage.

I believe that every expression of human be-
ings is art. I see life and expression and soul (as
well as despair, ignorance, death) in every as-
pect of human activity. And it turns me on. I
happen to be a dumpster diver, and I do it with
the mind of an artiste. The diving part is art... the
barter... the careful storage of materials... the use
and consumption of these items is wonderful
and beautiful (as well as ugly and sad) and I love

it. When I find a can of chunk tuna, I don't
merely eat it... I commune with its essence. I
own its beauty and substance (and its pain and
ugliness) FOREVER. I throw away the can with
reverence.

Art and the use of discarded materials goes
back a long way. For example, Edvard Munch
painted "The Cry" on a discarded piece of card-
board. The artist who can only acquire dis-
carded materials — perhaps because he has de-
fied every aspect of the status quo — speaks to
me more deeply than the artist who is coddled
by rich patrons, his every need for materials in-
stantly fulfilled. Such an artist sells little pieces
of his soul for a morsel of meat.

Dumpster art is truly "art from the edge.” And
that's where art belongs — on the frontier of
human experience.

Perhaps you're not into drawing, painting or
making statues. But dumpster diving can sus-
tain you while you pursue other creative goals.
Those "other goals" are YOUR art. And, if
dumpster diving helps you in your art, I will be
glad, indeed.

The Future: Floppy Disk Diving

In the last few years, I have seen an amazing
dumpster phenomenon. People are discarding
floppy disks and computer related materials by
the ton. Often, I'll grab a box full of "interesting
papers" and find it's all "computer stuff."

Finding a floppy disk is like finding a whole
file cabinet full of papers — but in a compact,
easy-to-use format. I've accumulated dozens of
these disks, looking forward to the purchase of a
personal computer with the proceeds from this
book. Often, I'll take a few discarded disks to
work and use the office PC to check out their
contents. I'm always careful to use our "anti-vi-
rus" program with this mysterious software.
Once, I actually found the infamous "PLO" vi-
rus.

"No wonder they threw it away" I thought.

140 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

But most of the time all I find are hundreds of
personal files, computer games and programs —
all kinds of neat stuff. I'm saving these disks for
use and in-depth perusal at a later date.

A group of "hackers" at my college who ran
afoul of college authorities confessed that they
had obtained "passwords" by rummaging
through discarded papers from the Admin
building. Yes, computers are here to stay but so
is dumpster diving — and many times the twain
shall meet.

Cassette Tapes, Videos, Records, Etc .

You can find lots of these materials discarded
in residential areas. Personally, I won't purchase
cassette tapes or videotapes when I know I can
obtain ’em from the trash. Just erase the junk on
the tapes and record your own stuff. But many
times I find tapes or videos I want to keep. And,
as CDs edge out the old vinyl records, you can
find more and more old albums hitting the bins.
Sometimes I find tapes with arcane conversa-
tions recorded — these are always fun.

X-rated videos are almost always broken.
Either they are made cheaply or people do
rough things to them.

More Neat Access and Freebies

A few chapters ago I mentioned a free oil
change that I scammed thanks to dumpster
diving. The trash is filled with such freebies for
the sharp-eyed and daring diver.

Lots of businesses and organizations give
"freebies" or "special deals" to certain customers.
These aren't exactly like coupons, which are
generally available. I mean stuff like "free car
wash with your next five gallons! Hot wax, too!"
Things like ski passes. Mail-in rebates. Stuff you
can turn in for free photo processing, a nickel
cola or a dollar sandwich. I've even found school
lunch tickets. (There is a free lunch!!)

Sometimes considerable boldness is required
to use these freebies. More often it's no big deal.
For example, a local grocery store cashes payroll
checks — for a fee. When you cash your check.

they charge $2. However, you are given a cou-
pon good for $2 off a $25 purchase. Amazingly,
people discard these coupons. I use 'em myself
or sell ’em to neighbors for a buck. And the trash
is full of this sort of thing, all of it unique to your
area. But, again, a sharp eye and boldness is
required. Don't ask dumb questions or act like
something is "wrong" with your coupon,
voucher, seat ticket, etc. Act like you're in some-
thing of a hurry. But do have an excuse ready in
case you are vigorously questioned — which
hardly ever happens. I frequently gain access to
movie theaters, museums, food fairs, etc., by
using things I've found in the trash. NEVER pay
full price for anything if you can avoid it.

The best place to obtain such things is, of
course, in the trash of the business in question.
Our "free photocopies" scam is an excellent ex-
ample. It also pays to read your "mailbox stuf-
fers." When you find something free, pig out!
Store up fat for the dry season.

Dumpster Coupons

It pays to clip and organize coupons. Plenty of
"super dooper shopper" books exist that tell you
how to use coupons to the max. And you've
probably read an article or watched something
on television which features a lady obtaining
$200 worth of groceries for $1.27. Well, it is pos-
sible but, like everything else, requires some ef-
fort and some smarts. The principles in these
"coupon books" can almost always be summed
up as follows:

• Organize, organize, organize. Clip your
coupons and organize according to category.
Don't just save 'em all in a big cookie jar.
People with a HUGE food budget will find it
more effective to organize by category AND
brand name.

• Sit down with your weekly shopping cir-
culars and plan your grocery shopping as
carefully as a coup d'etat. Don't walk into the
store without planning your every move.
Don't buy on impulse. Don't shop while
you're hungry. Know your local stores like
the back of your hand.

Information Diving 141

• Find a store that "doubles" coupons. This is
the "secret" to all "super" shopping. Double
coupons and buy the item while it is on sale.
Buy great deals in volume.

• Don't be conned. The whole point of coupons
is to lure you into buying a certain product.
Don't be suckered. Use coupons YOUR way,
to YOUR advantage, and don't play the game
the way Madison Avenue wants.

I should point out that coupons are a great
thing to have while skulking "bargain" carts. A
few times I have found stuff like, say, a slightly
squashed box of cereal for a buck. If you have a
50<f coupon, and the store doubles coupons, the
item is YOURS for nothing but the tax.

So, you're wondering, where do you obtain
coupons? Well, besides your local paper, coupon
clubs, magazines, and freebie "bins" in the gro-
cery stores, there are a number of dumpster
sources.

• Residential garbage. Collect the coupon
sections from discarded papers. If there is a
20t coupon for canned beans, and a store that
doubles coupons is selling those beans for
50tf, it makes sense to obtain as many cans as
you can for 10 <t. So you need lots of coupons.
So start looking for those discarded Sunday
papers.

• Post office trash. Coupons should be con-
sidered a "bonus" in addition to all the inter-
esting mail. I wouldn't dive a post office for
just coupons, unless it was a little post office
with lousy dumpster security.

• Apartment complex mailrooms. When I pick
up my mail, I check out all the coupons and
bulk mail deals. If something looks really
good, like a one-per-customer-with-coupon
grocery special, I grab a handful of discarded
circulars. I'll go back again and again in
different store locations and "stock up" on the
really good specials.

• Recycling bins. The coupon circulars are
discarded along with old newspapers. Since

many people subscribe to papers from distant
cities, you can frequently obtain coupons not
generally available in your neck of the
woods. This is true of apartments, too. You're
also doing the recycler a favor by pulling all
that "slick" paper out of the newsprint.

This is also a great way to obtain a newspaper
"subscription." A paper that is read twice is truly
recycled.

One out of ten coupons is redeemed, which
means nine out of ten end up in the trash. If you
are a die-hard "coupon clipper," trash is a
goldmine!

Don't forget to check discarded magazines for
coupons, especially women's magazines. Dump-
ster diving discarded mail is a good way to ob-
tain "consumer surveys" which you can mail in
to obtain free coupons. I receive dozens of spe-
cial coupons in the mail because I constantly
mail away these surveys. Naturally, I lie about
my marital status, my pets, even my annual
consumption of aspirin. Not only is this a
chance to obtain coupons, but a cheap opportu-
nity to confuse the hell out of "big brother."

Cigarette companies are in a class by them-
selves. Not only will they mail you all kinds of
samples, but you can save their "proofs of pur-
chase" for mail-in freebies. In their desperate at-
tempt to create more nicotine addicts, these
heavily subsidized companies are one of the last
sources of true rebate freebies. Where can you
find proofs of purchase? Everywhere people dis-
card cigarette packs.

It's rare when you can use a "proof of pur-
chase" from a carton instead of a pack. But I
have seen such deals from time to time, and
hope to see more. Empty cartons can be ob-
tained by the dozen at convenience store dump-
sters. That's about the only thing you can obtain
at a convenience store, besides cardboard boxes
and, rarely, magazines.

The Art of Mail-In Rebating
I’m good at this, but I'm a mere novice com-
pared to Teddy's spitfire mother, Mrs. Spooner.

142 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Being a devoted and determined single parent,
Mrs. Spooner was a regular household whiz.
She read all the housekeeping books, magazines
and articles. Mrs. Spooner took great pride in
her ability to make a good party dip or remove a
spot. So it was no surprise she was a regular
whiz at mail-in rebates. And roughly 75% of the
"proofs of purchase" that she used came from
the trash of households where she performed
cleaning services.

Mrs. Spooner had two government surplus
file cabinets from the WWI era. These cabinets
were once dark green but Jed, Teddy and I deco-
rated them with a layer of colorful stickers. It
really added a "coupon" look to the files. Once
we explained THAT to Mrs. Spooner, she
calmed down considerably and even liked it.

Anyway, Mrs. Spooner's motto was "NEVER
THROW AWAY A PROOF OF PURCHASE OR
A GROCERY STORE RECEIPT." She might have
added, "WHETHER IT'S YOURS OR BELONGS
TO SOMEBODY ELSE." She had one file just for
receipts and all the rest of her drawer space was
devoted to proofs of purchase. She had an old
cash register with a fat roll of paper and a new
ink ribbon, ready to manufacture a receipt if the
need ever arose. The majority of her drawer
space was devoted to proofs of purchase. A
small card index (salvaged from a fire-damaged
library card catalog) helped Mrs. Spooner keep
track of what was in the drawers.

You name it, Mrs. Spooner saved it. Soup and
canned pasta labels. Boxtops. "Points" from cake
mix boxes. Certain UPC codes with the words
"proof of purchase." And so forth. When a toilet
paper company demanded the face of their
"tissue kid" as proof of purchase, she began
saving those things. We pasted a "tissue kid" to
the outside of that particular file, as an artistic
statement.

The minute Mrs. Spooner obtained a mail-in
rebate offer, she made a beeline for her drawers.
And, nine times out of ten, she had enough
proofs of purchase to mail in the rebate on the
spot. She would mail one for herself at her home
address, one for her job headquarters (using her

nickname), and one for her elderly mother
across town. If the offer wasn't limited to "one
per household," she would take advantage of the
mail-in as many times as she could.

Mrs. Spooner sort of learned this stuff by acci-
dent. When she was newly widowed with a lit-
tle baby in a strange northern town, she would
use mail-in rebates just to obtain mail. (Mrs.
Spooner and I shared many a laugh and many a
tear over our mutual addiction to junk mail.) She
was willing to part with 50tf or a dollar for
"postage and handling" just to get a package in
the mail and talk to the UPS man. So she wasted
a few dollars obtaining "ketchup cookbooks"
and "guides to using Spanky's Instant Taters"
until she discovered the UPS man was a pot-
head. But at least she had the cookbooks and
guides, which led her in the "art of housework"
direction. When she wasn't working or looking
for a better job she would bounce Teddy on her
knee and dial "800" numbers all day, just to have
an office worker in Atlanta (her hometown) tell
her, "It's nice here. Sunny and 80 degrees!"

Mrs. Spooner's attempt to fill lonely hours had
all sorts of unexpected benefits. She found out
that, by dialing these free numbers, she could
obtain free samples along with the requested
"information.” And the rebates began paying off
in spades as she obtained free coupons for a
gallon of milk or a pack of toilet tissue. Mrs.
Spooner began evolving the moment she asked
herself, "How could I do this better and get more
of this good stuff?" Soon she purchased the old
file cabinets at a weekend yard sale. Grabbing
other people's trash just sort of happened. She
saw a proof of purchase on a box of fishsticks
and just couldn't control herself. It was, she said,
like watching a dollar bill waving to her from
the trash can. Next thing she knew, Mrs.
Spooner was a die hard dumpster diver. Proofs
of purchase leap at her from dumpsters the
same way paperback books leap at me.

Mrs. Spooner used mail-in offers to obtain vir-
tually all of Teddy's toys. Little Teddy probably
never had a teddy bear — ironic as it may seem
— but he had every stuffed cartoon character
from every cereal commercial on television.

Information Diving 143

Usually companies demand "postage and
handling." This may actually exceed the value of
the "free" item, especially stuff like mugs or
bowls. But a buck fifty may be a very reasonable
price for a high quality toy or a wristwatch.
These companies want to make their product
name a fixture in your home, and their freebies
are often surprisingly good in quality. And a
few of them are really crap. Read the info about
the freebie's size, color and composition care-
fully. I've seen "duffel bags" the size of a lady's
purse.

Many mail-in rebates involve checks for very
small amounts of cold, hard cash (like a dollar
and a half or two dollars). And this is where
mail-ins become exciting and addictive. One
woman was recently arrested for obtaining over
$30,000 in "fraudulent" rebates. Her basic mis-
take was that she didn't know "when to say
when." Yes, greed is good, but stupidity will
stop your personal evolution dead in its tracks.
It must have seemed pretty suspicious to the
mail-in companies when the same one hundred
consecutively numbered apartments would an-
swer their offer in the same month, each bearing
remarkably similar grocery store receipts. The
most "shocking" part of the whole thing, accord-
ing to the newspapers, was that the woman in
question was obtaining the majority of her
proofs of purchase from the trash. And, mind
you, this woman who scammed all this money
was no genius — that's clear from her mail set-
up.

If I wasn't so devoted to pursuing my wealth
by other means — means that are more satisfy-
ing to me — I would be attempting the same
thing as this lady. Without the jail part, of
course. And remember this: coupons are an ex-
cellent barter item. You just have to find the
"coupon clippers" in your area. There are also
shady characters who buy coupons by the pound.
These coupons are used in redemption fraud by
stores controlled by organized crime. Some pay
as much as $5 a pound. Coupons are, indeed,
just like money. (Especially Federal Reserve
Notes.)

Perfume Samples

We've covered a lot of things in this chapter
which are actually on the "edge" of pure "info
diving." No matter. Let's end this chapter with a
sweet smell and a good tip. NEVER buy expen-
sive perfume. Lots of discarded magazines con-
tain perfume "samples." Take the perfume-im-
pregnated paper and rub it on sweaty skin. You
can use each sample about twice — maybe three
times. Mmmm! That's the sweet smell of dis-
carded wealth.

Remember, a good diver is a thinking diver.
Feed your head like you feed your body — from
dumpsters!

From Novice to Master 145

TWISTED IMAG E

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Chapter 13

From Novice to Master

In sharing my experiences with you, I almost
feel as though I know you, the reader, person-
ally. Together, we have shared the sights, smells,
tastes and wealth of the diving lifestyle. I almost
feel like we’ve gone rummaging together.

Books are funny things. You can use a book to
increase your knowledge, then go out and apply
the things you’ve learned. But soon you'll en-
counter something not covered by the book —
so you find your own solution. Thus you be-
come wiser than your teacher, the author of the
book. The novice becomes the master and out-
grows the old master in wisdom. Then a new
novice comes along. May it ever be so.

My dumpster diving experiences are not all-
inclusive. It seems like every week I learn some-
thing new in the trash bins. I've tried to point
out the uncharted paths, the unknown places
where wealth might be hidden. If you embrace
the diving lifestyle and venture on those un-
charted paths you will write new chapters. And
you will grow wiser than the master, Trashhop-
per!

I hope this book has been like a garbage con-
tainer to you — full of unexpected surprises!
Wealth! Fun! A book about dumpsters should be
a little like a dumpster.

Wild Willard Feeds His New Family

You may be wondering, "How did this weird
family start doing this sort of thing?" So I'll tell
you. I'll also tell you about old rural dumpsites,
and diving at the actual city dump.

Dumpster diving began with my dad, a
unique individual who did most of his living
half a century before I ever met him. After a wild
life of boozing, brawling, tramping around the
country, jail and soldiering he went from a life
on skid row to — incredibly — almost twenty-
four years of stability with a wife and three
genius children.

I'll give you the highlights and spare you the
dates and other dull stuff. He was bom on a
homestead in Montana, where his first Christ-
mas tree was a tumbleweed decorated with pop-
corn. He didn’t attend school until the age of ten,
and then found himself handicapped by the fact

146 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

he spoke mostly Norwegian. But he became an
avid reader, consuming books about every sub-
ject. But, he didn't consume those books in
school. He would skip school for weeks at a
time and spend his days hunting, fishing and
trapping — sometimes with an Indian compan-
ion.

At 15, he "graduated" from school by complet-
ing the 8th grade. He promptly talked his
mother and father into falsifying his age so he
could join the army. Because of his large size he
was allowed to become a machine-gunner and
tote the heavy weapon around. At the end of his
enlistment — which he spent freezing his ass at
Ft. Snelling, Minnesota and assisting with a
flood in Arkansas — he joined the army of un-
employed workers who rode the rails and
looked for jobs in the 1930s. After a few years he
joined the army again, negotiating a pretty good
deal on the basis of his prior service. The re-
cruiter offered him a choice between the Philip-
pines and Hawaii. Dad flipped a buffalo nickel
to decide. It was heads. December 7, 1941 found
him a sergeant in the lovely territory of Hawaii,
looking forward to a big Sunday breakfast.

The beginning of World War II brought him
into the "island hopping" campaign. He and his
men sometimes survived on snakes, roots and
wild pig while waging war on the Japanese. His
island hopping ended at Leyte Gulf when a
Japanese grenade shredded sixty pounds of gear
on his back as well as the wounded radio opera-
tor Dad was carrying to safety. After the war,
one of Dad’s buddies said they didn't find
enough of the radio operator to fill a helmet.
Dad awoke in the "dead and dying" section of
an emergency field hospital in a Catholic
church. A Filipino priest was trying to adminis-
ter "last rites" to him — a perfectly good
Lutheran who happened to carry a "lucky" St.
Christopher medal. Thinking the priest was a
Jap, Dad grabbed him by the frock and at-
tempted to break his neck. He was unsuccessful,
weak from loss of blood, but this action
prompted the field hospital to grant him some
medical attention.

Dad didn’t regain consciousness for long until
he found himself on a hospital train in Nevada.
He had no identity except the word "sergeant."
He was mistakenly listed as "Roman Catholic."
His parents had been notified that he was miss-
ing in action. Dad had enough pieces of metal in
his neck, back, legs and head to keep medical
personnel busy cutting out small pieces until the
day he died of lung cancer.

He returned home upon medical discharge.
He felt like everyone was staring at him because
he did weird things like hit the deck when an
old lady dropped a hymnal in church. Finally,
he just left home and started riding the rails like
he had done in the 1930s. He worked as a craps
dealer... dock worker... construction worker...
lumberjack... you name it. He would work a few
months then quit or get fired. For a few years he
joined the Air Force and worked in bookkeep-
ing. He went to chef school on his GI Bill. He at-
tempted to join the Marines when Korea flared
up, but was medically discharged when he re-
quired a chest x-ray. The docs couldn't help but
notice that his body was full of cheap metal in
hard-to-get-at places.

Somewhere along the way he had two failed
marriages. He did time in prison for check
fraud. He spent years and years on "skid row"
abusing his liver and practicing bad mental hy-
giene. And dumpster diving.

For several months he worked in a cafe in
Billings, Montana. The owner, "Mrs. Kalina,"
took a liking to him.

"You should meet my daughter, Vernie," she
said. "You two would really get along. She runs
a little farm that my husband left us."

"Nah," Dad said. "Thanks anyway."

Back to riding the rails and liver abuse. One
day he went in a restaurant for a meal. A nice
waitress put his dime tip he gave her in the
jukebox. She pushed B-l, "Pearly Shells."

From Novice to Master 147

"That’s my favorite song!" Dad said. "It always
makes me think of Hawaii." "You were in
Hawaii?" she asked.

Mom had never been further than Montana.
They started talking and Mom offered to give
him a ride to "Hoffmanville" and set him up
with a job at another diner. Along the way. Dad
remarked that he knew a Mrs. Kalina in Mon-
tana. A relative, perhaps?

A few months later they were married. Every-
one — including Dad’s parents and the pastor
who performed the ceremony — predicted dis-
aster and heartbreak. Mom was in her late 30s
and had never married. She went to church
three times a week and was a teetotaler. Dad
was divorced, an ex-con and a heavy drinker.
Friends warned Mom he wanted to murder her
and take the farm.

Instead, Mom and Dad were happy as could
be. Dad would fall off the wagon from time to
time and end up shooting at planes with a deer
rifle, but most of the time he managed to remain
sober for months or even years at a time. And he
never hit any planes with the deer rifle.

Everything wasn’t peachy, however. The diner
where Mom worked burned down, and she
couldn’t obtain another job because of her ad-
vanced pregnancy. Her small herd of milk cows
became sick and died. Dad was "laid off' for no
particular reason except he was the "last hired.”
Even Dad's attempts to poach a skinny deer in
the middle of winter were unsuccessful.

So did he whine about his situation? Did he
give up? Of course not. By God, after you've
been left for dead the universe takes on a sharp-
edged clarity for the rest of your life.

"I've been in worse shit than this!" he told
Mom. "I'll get us some food."

Dumpster diving was old hat to him. He had
been scavenging this way for years. However,
he had never done it to feed a family. And he
had never used a vehicle to haul away his finds.

The dumpster deities looked kindly upon
Wild Willard's efforts. He found all kinds of
bread, bakery goods, frozen foods and dairy
items. The milk and cheese were especially wel-
come in light of the dead dairy cows. Dad also
filled the back of the truck with wooden produce
crates. He had often burned these to keep warm
in the "hobo jungles." He realized this easy-to-
acquire kindling would save him time and ef-
fort.

Boldly rummaging behind every grocery store
in sight. Dad couldn’t believe his good luck. Be-
fore, he had sought enough food to feed himself
for a day or so, and had to walk from dumpster
to dumpster. But there was so much! Why, even
non-vagrants might find this sort of activity
profitable. Why did only vagrants (like he used
to be) take advantage of all this free grub?

When he returned home. Dad came into the
house holding a box with a dozen quarts of
milk. He was as happy and proud as a little kid
holding a stringer of fish.

"I knew I could find something!" he said. "But
it might be sour."

"Doesn't matter," Mom said. "I'll use it. The
baby needs calcium."

So you might say I was a dumpster diver from
the womb. It's in my bones, so to speak. And
everything you’ve read in this book grew from
that small, brave effort to feed a family. Over the
years. Mom wrote to her mother in Billings and
told her about all the good stuff in dumpsters.
So I'm a third generation dumpster diver —
white trash, you might say.

Hidden Wealth At Old Rural Dumpsites

Despite my kind words about self-sufficient
country folks in the good ol' days, they didn't
use everything. They threw quite a few things
away — like old cast iron toys, tin spice contain-
ers, bottles, beer cans. Amazingly, some of this
stuff has become valuable — extremely valu-
able!

148 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Plenty of people prospect around old farms
with metal detectors, hoping to find a buried jar
of wheat pennies or a lost mercury dime. When
their expensive metal detector starts turning up
rusted cans, these weekend treasure seekers say,
"Oh, hell — this is an old dump!"

Hey, I love to find silver dollars, too. But
there’s real treasure in that old trash. I've found
valuable old perfume bottles, cast iron toys, rare
beer cans, old cola bottles, and lots of 1930s
license plates. Toys are particularly valuable —
just one can be worth a hundred bucks. Regional
beer cans which are no longer produced mean
lots to collectors. Some of this stuff might be no
older than ten years, but it's still valuable.

A few feet down the discarded items are
amazingly well-preserved. But excavating this
stuff is hard work and promises no certain re-
ward. You have to love the feeling of finding an
old horseshoe, cartridge shell, or a broken
"Depression glass" piece. Farmers in my area of
Minnesota used to dump whole hayracks full of
field rocks in the same places they discarded
good junk. You might literally move a ton of
rocks to find a rusted tool. Of course, one heavy
metallic rock I moved turned out to be a meteor-
ite. And if you find just one old cast iron toy —
well, that $50 to $100 (or more!) will soothe your
aching muscles a lot.

Personally, I hate lifting weights. I always say
to myself, "What's the point? I'm not accom-
plishing anything but building up my muscles a
small bit." But I'll move rocks all day looking for
hidden wealth. It gives me a purpose to really
work out.

Don't smash that old bottle before you find it!
Use sturdy leather gloves to protect your hands
and keep your eyes peeled.

Diving At The Dump Itself

When I say "the dump," I'm not talking about
a sanitary landfill. You don't need no stinkin'
sanitary landfill. Everything in there is squashed
daily by bulldozers and covered by a layer of

dirt. Some of the poorly-run landfills let things
pile up for a few days, and these places are
worth scavenging. But the best scavenge is the
old-fashioned "town dump." This sacred institu-
tion is going the way of the woolly mammoth
and nobody gives a damn about preserving old
dumps for our children and grandchildren.

It pays to look into your local dump or landfill
and find out their set-up. Dumps fall into two
important categories: places where picking is
allowed and places where it isn’t. (Though I has-
ten to mention ALL dumps are picked. But
picking may not be available to the public at
large. Watch the bastards mention some shit
about "liability.")

Some dumps charge a fee, and scavengers at
these dumps look for the most readily salable
materials — like copper and aluminum. In the
Third World, people scavenge all day to obtain
things like paper to sell for a few cents.

Always check the "exchange." This is the place
where people leave items for giveaway to scav-
engers.

Those places where picking is allowed have
fierce competition. The other humans are bad
enough, especially along the U.S.-Mexico border
and near Indian reservations. But you also have
to compete with dogs, cats, raccoons, skunks,
rats, mice and gulls as big as turkeys. In some
places there are more exotic pests like wolves,
coyotes, vultures, egrets, bears and even bald
eagles. Pack a picnic lunch and bring a camera
for those special moments.

Of course, wear thick boots (not shoes —
boots! THICK boots), thick gloves, disposable
clothing and maybe even a mask. I like the
cheap masks made for painters which cost about
30«!. Of course, I have a nice supply of top-of-
the-line surgical masks from my hospital work-
place. A clean rag or handkerchief works well,
too.

As dumps bum, they give off noxious fumes
like dioxins. Prolonged exposure to dioxins has
been implicated in chloracne, a disfigurement of

From Novice to Master 149

the face, head and neck. The stuff can take two
years to clear up. If dermatology fascinates you,
you can see plenty of chloracne in the cardboard
and tarpaper colonias of the U.S.-Mexico border.
So don't hang around the dump when it's
burning, and protect yourself from lingering
dioxins by wearing a mask. Of course, industry
is a worse source of dioxin pollution than
burning dumps, and one just has to wonder if
industry is contributing to chronic acne
problems.

A red “sharps " collector from a hospital.
Stay away from these “biohazards,"
as well as red “hopital waste" bags.

Watch out in those areas of the dump that
smell "scorched." You can casually pull a bag
aside and have a smoldering area "flare up."
People picking trash dumps have died or been
severely disfigured this way. Don’t smoke.
Methane seeps out of the ground around
dumps.

Of course. I've mentioned a bunch of unpleas-
ant things for safety's sake. But picking the
dump is FUN! You don’t have to fret about be-
ing observed or caught, you can chat with your

partner and take your sweet time. A good dump
can produce a truckload of great finds — on an
outstanding day you can do better than you
would diving dumpsters. If you live near a
dump take advantage of your luck.

The big problem with dumps is the lack of
selectivity. Stuff from apartments, barber shops,
car dealerships and grocery stores is all mixed
together. The "crusher" on the garbage truck
does a lot of damage, but not as much as most
people assume. A couch will be destroyed be-
yond use, for example, but stuff in cans usually
arrives intact. Use a stick to pick through things
and minimize your exposure to bad smells and
stuff that will adhere to your clothing. Bag
blades are essential equipment. I’ve found that a
scythe with a long handle can save you a lot of
bending over. But keep it sharp! Be careful
walking around on trash bags — don’t fall down
and slice yourself.

Dumpsters are filled with little stories, but a
dump is like a big, sprawling novel about the
daily life of the city. Scavengers find bodies and
body parts more frequently than the papers re-
flect. I’ve done a lot of scavenging and never
found a human being — but I was a hundred
yards away when Slash found a human fetus.

He put it in a shoe box and took it home.
Thus began a weird relationship that lasted
about a year. After cleaning it up, he put it in a
deluxe specimen jar filled with formaldehyde.
He used two clear plastic blocks to make it stay
upright, rather than lying on its back.

The fetus looked delightful floating in serene,
preserved solitude. Slash would talk to her. And
he gave her a name — Salina. In fact, he devel-
oped what struck me as a rather unhealthy at-
tachment to her.

Eventually, however, a friend of Mrs.
Spooner's, the head of the Minnesota chapter of
the National Christian Pro-Life Council came
from the Twin Cities and offered to buy Salina.
He wanted to use her in an anti-abortion dis-
play, to show how human-like a fetus looks.

150 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

Slash — very, very reluctantly — said
"Goodbye" to Salina, declining to accept any
payment for her.

The Dumpster Is NOT The End

I hoped to God Salina wouldn't come home
like Lassie did. It still creeps me out to talk about
it. To think we found something like that in the
trash!

The dumpster is NOT the end... it’s the be-
ginning. What mysteries await on the other side
of the lid? Wealth? Survival? Fun? Horror? All
of the preceding?

You won’t know unless you take the leap into
the unknown. I believe riches await you.

Remember — THAR'S GOLD IN THEM
THAR DUMPSTERS!

Trashy Treats 151

Welcome, to "the.

SKIDROW &OURMET”//

TODAH 1 WE'LL BE
PREPARING OUR WORLD -
RENOWNED SPECIALTV

GARBAGE A LA GARBAGE

Ace Backwords

v

©1113

then, mix in a
i/ a POUND OF &ARBA&£|
and neat until
THAT WEIRD GREEN

stuff dissolves^

add assorted clumps

of miscellaneous

garbage and simmer

UNTIL STERILIZED- •” |

GARNISH WITH GARBAGE!
AND SERVE WITH pride i-'J

THE PRECEDING PROGRAM'
WAS MADE POSSIBLE
THANKS TO A GRANT FROM
THE U.S. GOVERNMENT.

Helping to turn the

U«S- ECONOMY INTO
GARBAGE Since

Chapter 14
Trashy Treats

Cooking with dumpster food is no different
than regular cooking except you must pay par-
ticular attention to cooking everything well. (To
avoid bacteria.) The more skillful you are, the
easier you will find it to "whip something to-
gether." But these treasured recipes from the
Hoffman family may be especially helpful to
you. Bon apetit!

Bad Banana Whipped Cream Substitute

Add a soft, overly ripe banana to stiffly beaten
egg whites and whip until fluffy. Add a drop or
two of vanilla or a few spoonfuls of melted va-
nilla ice cream. It doesn't taste like whipped
cream, but it's damned good topping. You might
try it with:

Fruit Cobbler Ala "Slash"

Jed can't get enough good fruit cobbler with
bad banana whipped cream substitute.

Peel the fruit, removing only the very worst
spots. Don't worry about soft spots. Cut into
chunks and spread 3 to 4 cups of fruit on the
bottom of a buttered baking dish. Add a dash of

cinnamon and dot the fruit with butter or mar-
garine. Mix up a simple biscuit dough or use
discarded pizzeria dough, bread dough, frozen
ready-to-bake breakfast rolls, or whatever.
Spread over the fruit and bake at 350 e for half an
hour. Mmm!

Stale French Toast

Stale bread is better than fresh bread for
French toast. Soak the bread in a saucer of milk
(even sour milk) until soft — not spongy. Dip
each piece into a beaten egg and fry in butter.
Sprinkle with cinnamon before serving.

Bad Eggplant Caviar Substitute

Cook the eggplant in boiling water until it is
tender. Let cool, peel, chop fine. Saute chopped
eggplant in 2 to 3 teaspoons of olive oil with Vi
cup chopped onion, one small peeled and
chopped tomato, and two teaspoons lemon
juice. (You can obtain juice from an old, dried
out lemon by boiling it.) When most of the liq-
uid has evaporated from the mixture, salt and
pepper to taste. Chill before serving ice cold

152 The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving

with dumpster dived crackers. Does it taste like
caviar? Alas, no. But it's quite good.

Banana Soul Bread

It's called "soul bread" because you use black
bananas.

Use three overripe bananas, mashed. Vi cup
butter or margarine. 1 cup sugar. Two eggs. 1
teaspoon soda and 2 cups flour. Mix all ingredi-
ents in a well-greased pan. Bake for 45 minutes
(approx.) at 300°

Stale Peanut Butter

Place 2/3 cup stale peanuts plus 2 teaspoons
of com, peanut or other oil in a blender. Vi tea-
spoon of salt optional. You can't tell the differ-
ence between stale and fresh peanut butter.

Candied Citrus Peel

Waste not, want not. Cut citrus peels into nar-
row strips. Put two cups of peels in a pan with
two cups of water and simmer ten minutes.
Drain, add more water, simmer again. Repeat
twice more. Now make a thick syrup from Vi cup
water and 1 cup sugar. Add the peel to the
syrup and boil until the liquid is absorbed. The
peel turns translucent but retains its bright color.
Spread on a rack to dry. Roll in sugar, chocolate,
or eat plain. These cost a lot in specialty shops.

Pea Pod Soup

Put pea pods in a linen bag and boil to extract
the flavor. Makes a light, refreshing soup. Add
carrots, onions or what's available.

Dumpster Burger Casserole

You will need two pounds of hamburger pat-
ties from your local fast food dumpster. Leave
the ketchup, pickle and cheese on the patties.
Don't worry about a little bread stuck to the
patties, either. You will also need three cups of
cooked elbow macaroni (cheap!) and one onion.
Use your favorite spices, such as garlic salt,
pepper, Mrs. Dash, etc. You'll also need two cans

of tomato sauce (cheap!) or a can of tomato soup.
Use whole tomatoes (soft ones are fine) or a can
of cheap veggies like green beans, peas, com,
etc. Use both, if you like. Remember to drain the
cans.

Chop up the hamburger patties and heat
briefly. (They're already cooked.) Mix cooked
macaroni, tomato sauce or tomato soup, spices
and veggies with the hamburger. Top with
cheese if desired and available. (You can use the
cheese from the burgers instead of mixing it into
the casserole if you want the thing to look
pretty.) Bake at 350° for 45 minutes. Use the
hamburger buns to make garlic toast.

Enjoy, enjoy.

Cow Manure To Go

Can't find a better place for this last "recipe,"
which is a clever and convenient way to obtain
fertilizer without driving to the country and
trying to buy some cow-pies.

Obtain plastic trash bags full of leaves and
throw a gallon of water in the bags. Seal it up
and let the bacteria work. Leave in the warm sun
for best results, but do not allow to freeze.
Within 20 to 25 days (depending on tempera-
ture, leaf composition, etc.), you won't have
compost, but manure. And it’s packaged and
ready to use!

Tie the bags loosely to let gas escape. Do this
away from buildings, as you may note a sour
"silage" smell.

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□ 17056 Freedom Road, by Harold Hough . Have you dreamed about leaving the rat race but don't know
where to start? This book will take you down the road to freedom, one step at a time. It will show you how
to make a plan, eliminate your debts, and buy an RV. You'll leam about beautiful places where you can
live for free. You'll leam how to make all the money you need from your hobbies. And you’ll leam how to
live a comfortable, healthy lifestyle on just a few dollars a day. Why wait for retirement when you can live
a low-cost, high travel lifestyle today? Get on Freedom Road! 1991, 5Vi x 8%, 174 pp, illustrated, soft cover .
$16.95.

And much more . Please see our catalog ad on the next page .

Loompanics Unlimited/ PO Box 1197/ Port Townsend, WA 98368

Please send me the titles I have checked above. I have enclosed $ (which includes $4.00 for

shipping and handling of 1 to 3 titles, $6.00 for 4 or more).

Name

Address

City/State/Zip

DD93

“Yes, there are books about the skills of apocalypse — spying, surveillance, fraud,
wiretapping, smuggling, self-defense, lockpicking, gunmanship, eavesdropping, car
chasing, civil warfare, surviving jail, and dropping out of sight. Apparently writing books
is the way mercenaries bring in spare cash between wars. The books are useful and
it’s good the information is freely available (and they definitely inspire interesting
dreams), but their advice should be taken with a salt shaker or two and all your wits.
A few of these volumes are truly scary. Loompanics is the best of the Libertarian
suppliers who carry them. Though full of ‘you’ll-wish-you’d-read-these-when-it’s-too-
late’ rhetoric, their catalog is genuinely informative. ”

—THE NEXT WHOLE EARTH CATALOG

THE BEST BOOK CATALOG IN THE WORLD!!!

We offer hard-to-find books on the world's most unusual subjects.
Here are a few of the topics covered IN DEPTH in our exciting new
catalog:

• Hiding/concealment of physical objects! A complete section of
the best books ever written on hiding things!

• Fake ID/Alternate Identities! The most comprehensive selection of
books on this little-known subject ever offered for sale! You have
to see it to believe it!

• Investigative/Undercover methods and techniques! Professional
secrets known only to a few, now revealed to you to use! Actual
police manuals on shadowing and surveillance!

• And much, much more, including Locks and Locksmithing, Self-
Defense, Intelligence Increase, Life Extension, Money-Making
Opportunities, and more!

Our book catalog is 8 V 2 x 11 , packed with over 500 of the most
controversial and unusual books ever printed! You can order every
book listed! Periodic supplements to keep you posted on the LATEST
titles available!!! Our catalog is free with the order of any book on the
previous page - or is $5.00 if ordered by itself.

Our book catalog is truly THE BEST BOOK CATALOG IN THE WORLD !
Order yours today — you will be very pleased, we know.

LOOMPANICS UNLIMITED
PO BOX 1197

PORT TOWNSEND, WA 98368
USA

The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving is an amazing manual that tells
exactly how to dive dumpsters for fun and profit. John Hoffman has been
finding treasures in the trash all his life. In fact, his entire family was raised
out of dumpsters — and they're proud of it!

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<4

Today, John has a college degree and a good job. He doesn't have to
dive dumpsters — he loves it. Dive into this book and you'll understand
why.

The Art & Science of Dumpster Diving takes you on a guided tour of
America's back alleys where amazing wealth is carelessly discarded: Food
(tons of it), clothes, toys, furniture, books, photos, flowers, and much more.
John Hoffman will show you where to find the good stuff, how to rescue it
and how to use it, including:

• Step-by-step, illustrated dumpster diving techniques

• How to work your neighborhood dumpsters

• Tips for diving a restaurant

• Recipes for food salvaged from dumpsters

• The "big three” dumpster hot spots

• The "lucky seven” dive spots

• Converting trash to cash

• How to dress for diving success

• How to handle run-ins with the authorities

• And much, much more.

As you learn the secrets of an extraordinary master diver, you will hear
outrageous anecdotes collected from a
lifetime of garbage picking. Whether you
ever dive into a dumpster or not, this
book will forever change the way you
think about wealth, waste and the world
we live in.